SG1 Picspam: The One Where Jolinar Pays a Visit
Greetings all! So, I'm sure we've all always wondered what Sam was thinking during In the Line of Duty. *crickets* Well, maybe just me then. Anywho, I decided that the world needed some picspam action of what Sam and Jolinar discussed during their quality time together. Trufax. Also featuring - Hammond and Janet being super cool, a cameo by Cassie, the best betting pool in history, Teal'c's shopping habits, Jack's super secret (and overly elaborate) scheme to woo a certain Captain, and the queen bee-yotch, Jolinar herself. Awesome times.
all caps from teh gateworld and vague spoilers for the entire series, but nothing very specific.
So - Sam = Sam's thoughts, Jolinar = Jolinar's thoughts, and Jolinar/Sam = speaking aloud. Ok? Ok.
Ah, another lovely day on a far away planet and ZOMG GOA’ULD ARE ATTACKING!
Which is actually the norm for the intrepid members of SG1. So there’s much running about and yelling and things going splodey.
Sam: Fear not good citizen! I shall use my super powerful brain to save you! Or you know, just give you CPR. Which I learned with the help of my super powerful brain.
*creepy, squeaky Goa’uld sounds*
Sam: WTFPOLARBEAR??
Jolinar: What’s up? I’m SO glad you are hot. Can you SEE my last host? He’s mega fugly. And he’s a farmer. A farmer.
Sam: OMG OMG OMG GROSS GET OUT OF MY BRAIN OMG OMG OMG
Jack: Carter, let’s move! Stop bleeding all over the place, you’re making a mess!
Jolinar: Is this your boyfriend?
Sam: Uh, yes. He totally is.
Jolinar: haha, you wish. I’m in ur brain and stuff, reading ur thoughts.
Sam: Crap. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!
So Jolinar and Sam argue the entire way back to the SGC
Jolinar: Chill out fool! I’m not an evil goa’uld, I’m a TOK'RA.
Sam: A What-ra?
Jolinar: Tok'ra
Sam: A what?
Jolinar: WE’RE REBEL GOA’ULD WHO BLEND WITH SYMBIOTS IN A HIPPIE WAY OF PEACE AND LOVE AND HARMONY AND EQUALITY!
Sam: Well, why didn’t you say so? Also: I DON’T CARE IF YOU ARE SUPER COOL REBELS, GET OUT OF MY BRAIN YOU FRAKKING PARASITE!
Jolinar: Wow, I didn’t know anyone said frak on your planet yet, seeing as how BSG won’t come out for 5 years.
Sam: I’m a genius, I’m advanced.
Jolinar: We’re going to get along swell!
Sam: AAAAHHHH
Jolinar: Your screaming is really starting to hurt my head.
Sam: It’s MY head.
Jack: Carter, quit hanging around blocking the ramp!
Jolinar/Sam: Uh, sure thing Ja ... Colonel, sir, uh CO. Whatever. I'll move right now!
Jack: WTF
Jolinar: Seriously, stop yelling, I can't think straight!
Sam: GOOD, YOU EVIL PARASITE
Jolinar: I take it back, I want out of this admittedly hot body ASAP. And your planet is super ugly. What’s with all the grey concrete?
Sam: Uh, yes, the whole planet looks like this. It’s hideous and boring, you’ll probably want to leave for someplace more colorful like, now.
Jolinar: Oh, shut up, you can’t trick me. I am sorry about blending with you unwillingly but it was out of necessity. I have a badass assassin on my tail as I am a badass rebel.
Sam: I am so going to kick your ass for this.
Jolinar: Won’t you be kicking your own ass then?
Sam: Well ... FINE THEN I WILL. WATCH ME.
Jolinar: Great comeback. I take it you aren’t the witty one on your team?
Sam: I HAVE A FABULOUS SENSE OF HUMOR
Jolinar: STOP YELLING!
So Sam and Jolinar (Solinar? Jam?) go to their very first briefing together.
Hammond: So why did the Goa’uld bother to attack this backwater craphole of a planet?
Daniel: That’s offensive! We should be respectful of their craphole, backwater culture! Oh wait.
Jack: Those people were BORING. At least the Goa’uld attack was exciting or this whole morning would have been a bust.
Hammond: Which begs the question as to why the flashy and tacky Goa’uld would bother attacking them.
Daniel: Maybe the boringness offended them.
Jack: Maybe they wanted to give them a makeover.
Jolinar: Your friends are idiots.
Sam: Shut up, they are not.
Jolinar: And why is there a Jaffa here? Lame. Their makeup trends are mega hideous.
Sam: Uh, yeah, Teal’c is super lame. Can’t stand him. Totally the Colonel’s fault that he’s here. Uh, Jack. Jack, I call him Jack. Yep.
Jolinar: You are a terrible liar.
Sam: Fine I’ll just go back to thinking really really distracting calculus equations VERY LOUDLY.
Jolinar: Noooooo.
Hammond: So Teal’c, can you think of any reason why the Goa’uld would attack these lameass aliens?
Teal’c: To borrow a phrase from O'Neill, the Goa'uld often seem to be lacking a "common sense gene." I am not aware of any Goa'uld motives here.
Jolinar/Sam: Yeah, but you’re just a lame Jaffa so why would anyone tell you anything?
Blank stares.
Jolinar: Aw, you whore, you totally fooled me!
Sam: SUCK IT.
Jolinar/Sam: Er, Jaffa ... Teal’c, I meant that in the nicest way. Who would want to talk to Apophis anyway, am I right?
Teal’c: Indeed, Apophis was a most unsatisfactory conversationalist.
Jack: Yeah, I guess all that “Bow down and worship me” crap got old after a while.
And now some thoughts from the men since we’re getting Sam’s thoughts and this is an equal opportunity recap:
Jack: Why isn’t Carter looking over at me? I usually have her smirking by now. Look at me! Loooook!
Daniel: Could Jack be anymore obvious? I’m surprised he’s not passing Sam notes and yanking her hair.
Jack: I should pass Carter a note.
Teal’c: Taur’i mating rituals are most perplexing.
Sam: Sam: But why isn’t anyone noticing that I’VE BEEN TAKEN OVER BY A FREAKING GOA’ULD?? What the hell? I’m kicking EVERYONE’S ass for this when this is all over.
Hammond: Captain Carter and Colonel O’Neill seem to have toned down the flirting today. I might need to change my bet in the pool ... Also this briefing is getting boring.
So Hammond concluded the now boring briefing with his customary dismissal of "peace out bitchez" (true story) and everyone headed off to do things and stuff.
Jack: *quick, think of something cool to say to Carter* Uh, Captain, the Napoleonic Power Monger requests your presence in the infirmary for a post-mission check-up. *omg, that was dumb*
Jolinar/Sam: Sure thing, Colonel! *Arm punch*
Jack: WTF
Jolinar: Aw, you did it again! There’s totally no arm punching in your relationship!
Sam: YOU ARE GOING DOWN, EVIL PARASITE.
Jolinar: Good grief. I’m going to go glowy-eyed psycho on everyone in the SGC if you don’t knock it off missy.
Sam: Missy?
Jolinar: I’m like way older than you whipper-snapper. Now where’s the infirmary?
So Sam and Jolinar go to see Janet (JANET!!)
Jolinar: Tell me her first name, I’m gonna sound stupid calling her Dr. Frasier when she’s calling me Sam!
Sam: She’s calling ME Sam, you identity thief.
Janet: ... and that’s the deal with my ex-husband. Have you had a sore throat recently? There’s a tiny abrasion back here ...
Sam: TINY ABRASION? I JUST HAD A SNAKE GO DOWN MY THROAT AND ATTACH ITSELF TO MY BRAIN! WHERE DID YOU GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL, YOU HACK?
Jolinar: You Tau’ri are pathetic.
Janet: Also, Cassie wants you to visit.
Jolinar: Who is Cassie? Stop reciting laws of physics and tell me!
Sam: I’m not reciting, I’m rewriting. And Cassie is ... a dog.
Jolinar: Whatev.
Jolinar/Sam: Uh, sure I’d love to see it ... her. I’ve been super busy lately with uh, things and stuff.
Janet: Well that’s vague. Are you having a super secret affair with Colonel O’Neill? The sex seems to have addled your brain. You can totally tell me. *Janet in fact had a bet in the pool for the near future - she had little faith in Sam and/or Jack’s self-control*
Jolinar/Sam: No way! Uh, I mean our relationship is more along the lines of the buddy, arm punching variety. Er.
Janet: Huh?
Jolinar/Sam: What? Uh, gotta go. Laters!
And now we have a scene at Vancouver Memorial ... er, the Air Force Academy Hospital, as we are in COLORADO not Vancouver.
Look, it’s an Ashrak Mummy! And Janet is here being cool. Moving on.
So Young Picasso is hard at work when her BFF Sam comes to visit, or so she thinks.
Jolinar: You said this was a dog. This is a child.
Sam: Blerg. Why didn’t you drink any coffee this morning. WHY?
Jolinar: I don’t need your pathetic artificial stimulants. Though I am getting a headache
Sam: THAT’S CAUSE I NEED COFFEE!!!
Jolinar: Is your true love Colonel O’Neill aware of this charming aspect of your personality?
Sam: Uh, is your true love aware that you spend your free time STEALING PEOPLE’S BODIES.
Jolinar: Er, truce. This painting is ugly.
Sam: Well at least LIE and say you like it, sheesh.
Cassie: Hi Sam!!!
Jolinar/Sam: Uh, hello small human. Your painting is, uh, colorful.
Sam: Good grief.
Suddenly Cassie’s spidey sense activated and she ran away in horror.
Jolinar: I’m not sure why I always inspire that in children.
Sam: Want me to explain it to you?
So Jolinar proceeded to scare the living daylights out of Cassie and Sam was so peeved that she began reciting her wormhole theories in Russian and humming the MacGyver theme song loudly. As a result, Jolinar was quite irritable by the time she and her hijacked body arrived back at the SGC.
Meanwhile, Jack paid a visit to Vancouver Memorial, er, the Academy Hospital in COLORADO.
Janet: So Cassie said she had something important to discuss with you, sir.
Jack: Yeah, I’ve been expecting this.
Cassie: Huh?
Jack: OK, I’m sure you’re wondering why Carter and I don’t just get married already, but I have a MASTER PLAN to ensure that eventuality. See, right now we’re only in stage 3: wooing Carter with my sense of humor. The plan has 50 parts in all, I’ve put this all down in a spreadsheet, which is also a way to impress Carter since she likes organization and crap ...
Cassie: Uh, that wasn’t what I wanted to talk about.
Jack: ... and if all goes according to plan Carter and I can get married the second she gets promoted to her own team and the regs aren’t an issue.
Janet: Well no wonder Sam is getting frustrated, you’re only in stage 3 of a 50 part plan! God. I need to go change my bet in the pool for 10 years from now! Also, this is starting to explain why you never get any paperwork done.
Cassie: NO, I didn’t want to talk about your lame love life. I’m trying to tell your that Sam’s a GOA’ULD!
Jack: Well that certainly throws a monkey wrench in things.
Janet: I’ll say.
So a disgruntled Jack heads back to base in order to see if his super secret (future) girlfriend (so secret even she’s not aware of the fact) is in fact an evil Goa’uld.
Meanwhile, a pissed off Jolinar/Sam is looking for Daniel and Teal’c. Cue the Wicked Witch of the West Theme.
Daniel: Uh, Sam looks pissed.
Teal’c: Indeed. Perhaps it would be prudent to conceal ourselves.
Daniel: Too late. Hey Sam, what’s up?
Jolinar/Sam: What are you people just standing around for? We have a mission! And you two are just gossiping! LET’S MOVE IT PEOPLE.
Daniel: Uh, do you think it’s too late call in sick?
Teal’c: Yes. If I am participating in this mission, then so are you.
Daniel: Crap.
Jolinar/Sam and the non-Goa’ulded members of SG1 head out to the Gateroom. But then ...
Jack: OK, looks like the mission has been cancelled people! Sad news and all, and hey what’s that over there Carter? *stabs with elephant tranquilizer*
Jolinar: WTF?
Sam: FINALLY! It only took you morons a DAY to figure this out!
Jolinar: Did your boyfriend just TRANQ me? Oh, he’s going down.
Jolinar/Sam: OPEN THE GATE NOW, FOOLS!
All gateroom personnel: Oh crap.
Daniel: zomg, Sam’s a goa’uld!
Teal’c: Indubitably, Captain Obvious.
Daniel: Teal’c, that’s hurtful. I just do my best not to lord my gigantic brain over everyone else and to make sure that everyone’s on the same page as me and...
Jack: Will you shut up, my secre ... second in command has been snaked! And she just decked me and now has a grenade!
Daniel: haha, she knocked you clear across the room.
Teal’c: Perhaps O’Neill should visit the gym after this.
Jolinar: I’m feeling sleepy ...
Sam: I'm feeling like I did after the last team night ...
*Thunk*
Daniel: Wow
Jack: Yep
Teal’c: Indeed
Briefing Room of Uber Crises. SG1 demonstrates their concern for Sam by being TOO ANXIOUS TO SIT DOWN!
Hammond: All right people, I’ve had the president declare a galactic emergency given Captain Carter’s current condition.
Daniel: Well let’s do some brain surgery and save her!
Hammond: Son, we can’t do brain surgery on Captain Carter of all people. If we accidentally scramble her brain we’ll all probably be dead in a week.
Teal’c: 48 hours.
Hammond: Well I was being optimistic.
Janet: There’s no way I’m doing brain surgery on my BFF after what happened to Kawalsky!
Daniel: Yeah but that other lame guy did his surgery since it was before you showed up. We totes believe in you Janet!
Jack: I say we find out who this Goa’uld’s friends and family are and NUKE THEM ALL TO HELL AND MAKE THE GOA’ULD LEAVE MY GIRLF... UH GIRL 2IC.
Hammond: Colonel, take a chill pill. And for my sake can you at least PRETEND that your feelings for Captain Carter are totally platonic? I mean, really, I’m going to lose the pool at this rate. You’re getting completely ahead of schedule here!
Daniel: *desperate to distract Hammond since he close to winning the pool - like Janet, Daniel assumed Jack and Sam would hook up sooner rather than later* Well, let’s try to negotiate with the Goa’uld!
Fun fact: Teal’c had equally little faith in Jack and Sam’s ability to be even remotely normal and bet that it would take them 8 years to get their frakked up relationship up and running. Teal’c became the 20th richest person on the planet after wining the pool, which had grown to epic proportions after 8 years, but he unfortunately sunk most of his winnings into blu-ray dvds, hats, and a very memorable excursion to Yankee Candle.
Indeed.
Jack: Oh, genius plan Daniel!
Daniel: Well, do you have a better idea? Other than nuking something.
Jack: ...
Hammond: Well someone needs to talk to it at any rate. Colonel, I’ll put you in charge of the interrogation since you’re so objective and all. Oh wait.
Jack: No, too late, you said it! No take backs.
Teal’c: I shall assist O’Neill.
Janet: And someone needs to keep base personnel calm. The members of Sam's fanclub are trying to hold a candlelight vigil and they keep setting off the sprinklers. Siler is bound to slip in the water and break his arm before too much longer.
Jack: Who the hell is in this fanclub? Do I need to have a chat with some people?
Teal’c: I have already spoken to them, O’Neill. They are aware that death will be swift should they grow too obnoxious.
Hammond: Sigh. Teal’c, we really need to work on this Jaffa Revenge thing.
So Jack goes off and emos in the locker room and gazes forlornly at Carter’s locker.
Teal’c: This is quite a pickle, O’Neill.
Jack: Teal,’c, I told you not to pick up idioms from TVLand. And I don’t know how I’m gonna talk to Carter. Any sage advice?
Teal’c: No.
Jack: Well crap.
Meanwhile, Jolinar and Sam were chillaxin in the brig.
Jolinar: I can’t BELIEVE I’ve been captured by a bunch of pathetic Tau'ri! It’s so embarrassing. I’ll never live this down. And this cell is hideous!
Sam: Yes, life is SO hard for you. Boo hoo.
Jolinar: You’ve been hanging around Jack too much
Sam: COLONEL O’NEILL, to you, you slug. And we’re in a brig, it’s not supposed to be pretty in here. I’m finding your obsession with sparkly crystals disturbing, I might add.
Jolinar: Uh, the Tokr’a have fierce decorating/fashion sense.
Sam: You dress like a cross between drunk hippie weirdos on your way to a Renaissance Fair and extras on a Star Wars movie.
Jolinar: Bitch, please, like you’re wardrobe is that great. You are super frumpy.
Both these things are true.
Then Jack comes in to chat with his snaked secret girlfriend.
Jack: GET OUT OF CARTER!
Jolinar/Sam: I want out of here, for reals. This is the worst blending EVER.
Jack and Sam: EVIL ALIEN POSSESSION
Jolinar: aw, you two are so adorable!
Jack: I’m going to get into a staring match with you now and make you to leave Carter with my brain.
Jolinar/Sam: Well then I’ll be here awhile. Oh, snap!
So Daniel goes to talk to Jolinar’s ex-host’s wife (confused much?) and accuses her of being criminally dumb since she didn’t notice her husband had a snake in the head. Maybe they had marital problems, Daniel, don’t be judgey.
Sam and Jack and Jolinar continue to prove that three’s a crowd and that sitting in mood lighting can help to demonstrate how angsty and emo you are.
Jack; GET OUT OF CARTER!
Jolinar/Sam: You are like a broken record. Look, I’m MORE than willing to leave this crazyass psycho who won’t freaking SHUT UP about physics, zomg. Just drop me off on a nice beach planet and I’ll be happy to find another host. I even promise not to kill Sam in the process!
Sam: Gee thanks. Though does your leaving my body involve me barfing up a slug, cause ew.
Jack: I DO NOT LIKE THIS PLAN, LEAVE CARTER NOW
Jolinar/Sam: Did you go to goa’uld diplomacy school? I mean really, there’s no need to yell at me.
Jack: YOU’RE A FREAKING GOA’ULD, AND SINCE I CAN’T SHOOT YOU I CAN AT LEAST YELL AT YOU.
Jolinar/Sam: I’m. Not. A. Goa’uld.
Sam: I told you no one knows about this Tok’ra crap.
Jolinar/Sam: Lookit, I’m a Tok’ra rebel! We are awesome! We hate the Goa’uld! They are gold-loving, totalitarian, capitalist egomaniacs with mega hideous fashion sense. The Tok’ra are cool and anti-establishment and live in crystal cave communes, like Fraggle Rock!
Sam: You dress like Fraggles too.
Jack: Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. Sticking it to the man and all.
Jolinar/Sam: Yes! You’ll totally love us when you get to know us.
Jack: Yeah, the only problem with that is that YOU HAVE TO INVADE OTHER PEOPLE’S BODIES IN ORDER FOR ME TO GET ACQUAINTED WITH YOU, AND YOU’RE CURRENTLY IN CARTER! And you are a lying Goa’uld, so peace out. Carter, SG1 has got your back. Janet will totally cut this thing out of your head if she has to.
Sam: zomg, no, that did not go well with Kawalsky!
Jack: And it will be better than that whole Kawalsky surgery, for sure.
Jolinar/Sam: I already told you I can leave on my own, I just need a new host! Just let me take Carter on a little vacay and she’ll come back, tok’ra free in a jiffy!
Jack: Leaving now.
Jolinar: Well, desperate times ..
Jolinar as Sam: *cries* no don’t leave me alone with the super cool Tok’ra! Her coolness is overwhelming me since I’m such a science geek! And she dresses better too! *cries*
Jack: crap, why won’t this stupid door open! I can’t handle women crying, it’s really awkward!
Sam: Please tell me the Colonel didn’t buy that. Like I would freaking cry, I mean really. I am hardcore.
Jolinar: Well crap. Your boyfriend sucks. My boyfriend always does whatever I want when I cry.
Sam: Maybe your boyfriend is a pansy.
Jolinar: Do you wanna throw down? Cause it’s on, bitch, as soon as I get another body.
Sam: ooh, I’m so scared.
So a little while later, Teal’c comes to pay Jolinar/Sam a visit. Jack refused to come back because there might be more crying.
Teal’c: *stares*
Jolinar/Sam: Hey, watch who you are staring menacingly at, buddy. I’m Jolinar of Freaking Malkshur, Tok’ra hero extraordinaire
Sam: And noted egomaniac
Teal’c: *raises eyebrow*
Jolinar/Sam: Be amazed fool. Now go talk to someone in charge and get me the hell out of here.
Meanwhile, Janet discovers that the Ashrak mummy has escaped and has been replaced with Knocked-Out-SGC-Doctor Mummy! Oh noes!
Daniel also stops by to talk to his snaked teammate. After Jolinar totally lies about knowing where his wife is, Sam proceeds to recite the entire dialing program that she designed for the gate while loudly singing terrible 80s songs (off-key). Jolinar considers suicide.
After much prodding (literally) from Teal’c, Jack agrees to come back to see his super secret girlfriend/ self-proclaimed Tok’ra celebrity.
Jack: So ... not lying, huh?
Jolinar/Sam: No.
Jack: You’re really some sort of rebel snake?
Jolinar/Sam: Yes.
Jack: Huh. Really?
Jolinar/Sam: YES. Also, a crazed assassin possibly disguised as a Mummy is on his way here to kill me.
Jack: Uh, you didn’t think to mention this BEFORE?
Jolinar/Sam: Well, no. I need to go before he finds me!
After a few more minutes of this, Jack goes to debrief General Hammond on the latest developments.
Hammond: Well, leave it to Captain Carter to get taken over by some sort of goa’uld rebel war hero ... thing.
Jack: The Goa’uld’s probably lying! They’re all liars! False gods, ringing any bells people?
Daniel: What about this assassin story?
Hammond: We’re underground a mountain in the most secure facility on the planet! Like anyone can get in here.
Yes, Hammond, no one BUT an Ashrak Mummy could get in! Whoops.
Ashrak Mummy: I am here to kill you.
Jolinar/Sam: Duh. But hear this: *epically speechifies*
Sam: What are you DOING? You don’t get to take a dramatic last stand in someone else’s BODY! Shut up and run away or something, omg! YOU’RE GOING TO GET ME KILLED!
*Laser beam*
Jolinar/Sam: Ouch.
So Jack and Teal’c dramatically rush in to ... find Sam nearly dead. Crap timing guys!
Jack: CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP
Sam: Blerg
Life saving measures time!
Janet: God, why are these gurneys so high off the ground? Super awkward. OK, let’s save my BFF and studiously ignore the fact that Colonel is tearing up over there.
Jack: *surreptitiously wipes away tear* I’m totally fine! No problem here.
Teal’c: I cry on the inside.
Murse: Uh, Dr. Frasier, I’m getting MULTIPLE BRAIN WAVES from Captain Carter!
Janet: No need to be a drama queen. And are you sure those aren’t Sam’s regular brain waves? She probably has more than most people.
Murse: No, it’s totally the goa’uld.
Janet: Well I didn’t study freaking GOA’ULD medicine, God! Let’s just start pumping her full of drugs and see what happens.
Jack: Teal’c, my Super Colonel sense tells me that Daniel is in trouble. And the base alarm is going off too, which may or may not have been a clue there.
Teal’c: I shall go see to Daniel Jackson. You should remain here with your Izmadi.
Jack: Teal’c, you need to lay off the Star Trek reruns.
So Teal’c rushes in and saves Daniel from the Evil Ashrak Mummy by Zatting him.
Daniel: omg, you suck.
Teal’c: You are welcome.
Daniel: No, really, YOU SUCK.
And then, Jolinar dies.
Jolinar: Remember me!
Sam: I totally will, don’t worry, you psycho slug.
Jolinar: Well, I’ll make sure you will at any rate since I’m imparting all my memories to you! Be sure to find my boyfriend!
Sam: I hate you.
Jolinar: Goodbye, cruel world!
Janet: It’s a miracle, Sam is totally alive! And I pretty much just stood here!
Jack: Go, doc! Would it be unseemly for me to order everyone out of here so I could hug Carter?
Janet: Yes
Jack: How about if I just sort of crumple by her bedside and cry in a very manly fashion?
Janet: YES it would be unseemly. Suck it up and behave like a good Colonel.
Jack: FINE. *cough* Hey, Carter, glad you aren’t dead. Way to go, you kicked that snake’s ass.
Janet: *facepalm*
Sam: No, that stupid bitchy snake saved me. I’m going to have a weird Stockholm Syndrome complex about this for years now.
Jack: Well I can incorporate complexes into my 50 part plan, but not so much with the dying.
Sam: What?
Jack: What? Uh, feel better soon Carter! You’ll be tromping around offworld with us in the rain in no time.
Sam: God. I’m gonna fake being worse off than I am so I can chillax for a few days. Quick, Janet, come diagnose me as emo!
Sam turned out to be genuinely emo though, so she took a few days off while the guys hung around pathetically. And that’s how SG1 survived their first Tok'ra possession and how Carter became even more awesome and important than she was already (hint: Tok’ra memory action!).
Thanks for reading!
all caps from teh gateworld and vague spoilers for the entire series, but nothing very specific.
So - Sam = Sam's thoughts, Jolinar = Jolinar's thoughts, and Jolinar/Sam = speaking aloud. Ok? Ok.
Ah, another lovely day on a far away planet and ZOMG GOA’ULD ARE ATTACKING!
Which is actually the norm for the intrepid members of SG1. So there’s much running about and yelling and things going splodey.
Sam: Fear not good citizen! I shall use my super powerful brain to save you! Or you know, just give you CPR. Which I learned with the help of my super powerful brain.
*creepy, squeaky Goa’uld sounds*
Sam: WTFPOLARBEAR??
Jolinar: What’s up? I’m SO glad you are hot. Can you SEE my last host? He’s mega fugly. And he’s a farmer. A farmer.
Sam: OMG OMG OMG GROSS GET OUT OF MY BRAIN OMG OMG OMG
Jack: Carter, let’s move! Stop bleeding all over the place, you’re making a mess!
Jolinar: Is this your boyfriend?
Sam: Uh, yes. He totally is.
Jolinar: haha, you wish. I’m in ur brain and stuff, reading ur thoughts.
Sam: Crap. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!
So Jolinar and Sam argue the entire way back to the SGC
Jolinar: Chill out fool! I’m not an evil goa’uld, I’m a TOK'RA.
Sam: A What-ra?
Jolinar: Tok'ra
Sam: A what?
Jolinar: WE’RE REBEL GOA’ULD WHO BLEND WITH SYMBIOTS IN A HIPPIE WAY OF PEACE AND LOVE AND HARMONY AND EQUALITY!
Sam: Well, why didn’t you say so? Also: I DON’T CARE IF YOU ARE SUPER COOL REBELS, GET OUT OF MY BRAIN YOU FRAKKING PARASITE!
Jolinar: Wow, I didn’t know anyone said frak on your planet yet, seeing as how BSG won’t come out for 5 years.
Sam: I’m a genius, I’m advanced.
Jolinar: We’re going to get along swell!
Sam: AAAAHHHH
Jolinar: Your screaming is really starting to hurt my head.
Sam: It’s MY head.
Jack: Carter, quit hanging around blocking the ramp!
Jolinar/Sam: Uh, sure thing Ja ... Colonel, sir, uh CO. Whatever. I'll move right now!
Jack: WTF
Jolinar: Seriously, stop yelling, I can't think straight!
Sam: GOOD, YOU EVIL PARASITE
Jolinar: I take it back, I want out of this admittedly hot body ASAP. And your planet is super ugly. What’s with all the grey concrete?
Sam: Uh, yes, the whole planet looks like this. It’s hideous and boring, you’ll probably want to leave for someplace more colorful like, now.
Jolinar: Oh, shut up, you can’t trick me. I am sorry about blending with you unwillingly but it was out of necessity. I have a badass assassin on my tail as I am a badass rebel.
Sam: I am so going to kick your ass for this.
Jolinar: Won’t you be kicking your own ass then?
Sam: Well ... FINE THEN I WILL. WATCH ME.
Jolinar: Great comeback. I take it you aren’t the witty one on your team?
Sam: I HAVE A FABULOUS SENSE OF HUMOR
Jolinar: STOP YELLING!
So Sam and Jolinar (Solinar? Jam?) go to their very first briefing together.
Hammond: So why did the Goa’uld bother to attack this backwater craphole of a planet?
Daniel: That’s offensive! We should be respectful of their craphole, backwater culture! Oh wait.
Jack: Those people were BORING. At least the Goa’uld attack was exciting or this whole morning would have been a bust.
Hammond: Which begs the question as to why the flashy and tacky Goa’uld would bother attacking them.
Daniel: Maybe the boringness offended them.
Jack: Maybe they wanted to give them a makeover.
Jolinar: Your friends are idiots.
Sam: Shut up, they are not.
Jolinar: And why is there a Jaffa here? Lame. Their makeup trends are mega hideous.
Sam: Uh, yeah, Teal’c is super lame. Can’t stand him. Totally the Colonel’s fault that he’s here. Uh, Jack. Jack, I call him Jack. Yep.
Jolinar: You are a terrible liar.
Sam: Fine I’ll just go back to thinking really really distracting calculus equations VERY LOUDLY.
Jolinar: Noooooo.
Hammond: So Teal’c, can you think of any reason why the Goa’uld would attack these lameass aliens?
Teal’c: To borrow a phrase from O'Neill, the Goa'uld often seem to be lacking a "common sense gene." I am not aware of any Goa'uld motives here.
Jolinar/Sam: Yeah, but you’re just a lame Jaffa so why would anyone tell you anything?
Blank stares.
Jolinar: Aw, you whore, you totally fooled me!
Sam: SUCK IT.
Jolinar/Sam: Er, Jaffa ... Teal’c, I meant that in the nicest way. Who would want to talk to Apophis anyway, am I right?
Teal’c: Indeed, Apophis was a most unsatisfactory conversationalist.
Jack: Yeah, I guess all that “Bow down and worship me” crap got old after a while.
And now some thoughts from the men since we’re getting Sam’s thoughts and this is an equal opportunity recap:
Jack: Why isn’t Carter looking over at me? I usually have her smirking by now. Look at me! Loooook!
Daniel: Could Jack be anymore obvious? I’m surprised he’s not passing Sam notes and yanking her hair.
Jack: I should pass Carter a note.
Teal’c: Taur’i mating rituals are most perplexing.
Sam: Sam: But why isn’t anyone noticing that I’VE BEEN TAKEN OVER BY A FREAKING GOA’ULD?? What the hell? I’m kicking EVERYONE’S ass for this when this is all over.
Hammond: Captain Carter and Colonel O’Neill seem to have toned down the flirting today. I might need to change my bet in the pool ... Also this briefing is getting boring.
So Hammond concluded the now boring briefing with his customary dismissal of "peace out bitchez" (true story) and everyone headed off to do things and stuff.
Jack: *quick, think of something cool to say to Carter* Uh, Captain, the Napoleonic Power Monger requests your presence in the infirmary for a post-mission check-up. *omg, that was dumb*
Jolinar/Sam: Sure thing, Colonel! *Arm punch*
Jack: WTF
Jolinar: Aw, you did it again! There’s totally no arm punching in your relationship!
Sam: YOU ARE GOING DOWN, EVIL PARASITE.
Jolinar: Good grief. I’m going to go glowy-eyed psycho on everyone in the SGC if you don’t knock it off missy.
Sam: Missy?
Jolinar: I’m like way older than you whipper-snapper. Now where’s the infirmary?
So Sam and Jolinar go to see Janet (JANET!!)
Jolinar: Tell me her first name, I’m gonna sound stupid calling her Dr. Frasier when she’s calling me Sam!
Sam: She’s calling ME Sam, you identity thief.
Janet: ... and that’s the deal with my ex-husband. Have you had a sore throat recently? There’s a tiny abrasion back here ...
Sam: TINY ABRASION? I JUST HAD A SNAKE GO DOWN MY THROAT AND ATTACH ITSELF TO MY BRAIN! WHERE DID YOU GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL, YOU HACK?
Jolinar: You Tau’ri are pathetic.
Janet: Also, Cassie wants you to visit.
Jolinar: Who is Cassie? Stop reciting laws of physics and tell me!
Sam: I’m not reciting, I’m rewriting. And Cassie is ... a dog.
Jolinar: Whatev.
Jolinar/Sam: Uh, sure I’d love to see it ... her. I’ve been super busy lately with uh, things and stuff.
Janet: Well that’s vague. Are you having a super secret affair with Colonel O’Neill? The sex seems to have addled your brain. You can totally tell me. *Janet in fact had a bet in the pool for the near future - she had little faith in Sam and/or Jack’s self-control*
Jolinar/Sam: No way! Uh, I mean our relationship is more along the lines of the buddy, arm punching variety. Er.
Janet: Huh?
Jolinar/Sam: What? Uh, gotta go. Laters!
And now we have a scene at Vancouver Memorial ... er, the Air Force Academy Hospital, as we are in COLORADO not Vancouver.
Look, it’s an Ashrak Mummy! And Janet is here being cool. Moving on.
So Young Picasso is hard at work when her BFF Sam comes to visit, or so she thinks.
Jolinar: You said this was a dog. This is a child.
Sam: Blerg. Why didn’t you drink any coffee this morning. WHY?
Jolinar: I don’t need your pathetic artificial stimulants. Though I am getting a headache
Sam: THAT’S CAUSE I NEED COFFEE!!!
Jolinar: Is your true love Colonel O’Neill aware of this charming aspect of your personality?
Sam: Uh, is your true love aware that you spend your free time STEALING PEOPLE’S BODIES.
Jolinar: Er, truce. This painting is ugly.
Sam: Well at least LIE and say you like it, sheesh.
Cassie: Hi Sam!!!
Jolinar/Sam: Uh, hello small human. Your painting is, uh, colorful.
Sam: Good grief.
Suddenly Cassie’s spidey sense activated and she ran away in horror.
Jolinar: I’m not sure why I always inspire that in children.
Sam: Want me to explain it to you?
So Jolinar proceeded to scare the living daylights out of Cassie and Sam was so peeved that she began reciting her wormhole theories in Russian and humming the MacGyver theme song loudly. As a result, Jolinar was quite irritable by the time she and her hijacked body arrived back at the SGC.
Meanwhile, Jack paid a visit to Vancouver Memorial, er, the Academy Hospital in COLORADO.
Janet: So Cassie said she had something important to discuss with you, sir.
Jack: Yeah, I’ve been expecting this.
Cassie: Huh?
Jack: OK, I’m sure you’re wondering why Carter and I don’t just get married already, but I have a MASTER PLAN to ensure that eventuality. See, right now we’re only in stage 3: wooing Carter with my sense of humor. The plan has 50 parts in all, I’ve put this all down in a spreadsheet, which is also a way to impress Carter since she likes organization and crap ...
Cassie: Uh, that wasn’t what I wanted to talk about.
Jack: ... and if all goes according to plan Carter and I can get married the second she gets promoted to her own team and the regs aren’t an issue.
Janet: Well no wonder Sam is getting frustrated, you’re only in stage 3 of a 50 part plan! God. I need to go change my bet in the pool for 10 years from now! Also, this is starting to explain why you never get any paperwork done.
Cassie: NO, I didn’t want to talk about your lame love life. I’m trying to tell your that Sam’s a GOA’ULD!
Jack: Well that certainly throws a monkey wrench in things.
Janet: I’ll say.
So a disgruntled Jack heads back to base in order to see if his super secret (future) girlfriend (so secret even she’s not aware of the fact) is in fact an evil Goa’uld.
Meanwhile, a pissed off Jolinar/Sam is looking for Daniel and Teal’c. Cue the Wicked Witch of the West Theme.
Daniel: Uh, Sam looks pissed.
Teal’c: Indeed. Perhaps it would be prudent to conceal ourselves.
Daniel: Too late. Hey Sam, what’s up?
Jolinar/Sam: What are you people just standing around for? We have a mission! And you two are just gossiping! LET’S MOVE IT PEOPLE.
Daniel: Uh, do you think it’s too late call in sick?
Teal’c: Yes. If I am participating in this mission, then so are you.
Daniel: Crap.
Jolinar/Sam and the non-Goa’ulded members of SG1 head out to the Gateroom. But then ...
Jack: OK, looks like the mission has been cancelled people! Sad news and all, and hey what’s that over there Carter? *stabs with elephant tranquilizer*
Jolinar: WTF?
Sam: FINALLY! It only took you morons a DAY to figure this out!
Jolinar: Did your boyfriend just TRANQ me? Oh, he’s going down.
Jolinar/Sam: OPEN THE GATE NOW, FOOLS!
All gateroom personnel: Oh crap.
Daniel: zomg, Sam’s a goa’uld!
Teal’c: Indubitably, Captain Obvious.
Daniel: Teal’c, that’s hurtful. I just do my best not to lord my gigantic brain over everyone else and to make sure that everyone’s on the same page as me and...
Jack: Will you shut up, my secre ... second in command has been snaked! And she just decked me and now has a grenade!
Daniel: haha, she knocked you clear across the room.
Teal’c: Perhaps O’Neill should visit the gym after this.
Jolinar: I’m feeling sleepy ...
Sam: I'm feeling like I did after the last team night ...
*Thunk*
Daniel: Wow
Jack: Yep
Teal’c: Indeed
Briefing Room of Uber Crises. SG1 demonstrates their concern for Sam by being TOO ANXIOUS TO SIT DOWN!
Hammond: All right people, I’ve had the president declare a galactic emergency given Captain Carter’s current condition.
Daniel: Well let’s do some brain surgery and save her!
Hammond: Son, we can’t do brain surgery on Captain Carter of all people. If we accidentally scramble her brain we’ll all probably be dead in a week.
Teal’c: 48 hours.
Hammond: Well I was being optimistic.
Janet: There’s no way I’m doing brain surgery on my BFF after what happened to Kawalsky!
Daniel: Yeah but that other lame guy did his surgery since it was before you showed up. We totes believe in you Janet!
Jack: I say we find out who this Goa’uld’s friends and family are and NUKE THEM ALL TO HELL AND MAKE THE GOA’ULD LEAVE MY GIRLF... UH GIRL 2IC.
Hammond: Colonel, take a chill pill. And for my sake can you at least PRETEND that your feelings for Captain Carter are totally platonic? I mean, really, I’m going to lose the pool at this rate. You’re getting completely ahead of schedule here!
Daniel: *desperate to distract Hammond since he close to winning the pool - like Janet, Daniel assumed Jack and Sam would hook up sooner rather than later* Well, let’s try to negotiate with the Goa’uld!
Fun fact: Teal’c had equally little faith in Jack and Sam’s ability to be even remotely normal and bet that it would take them 8 years to get their frakked up relationship up and running. Teal’c became the 20th richest person on the planet after wining the pool, which had grown to epic proportions after 8 years, but he unfortunately sunk most of his winnings into blu-ray dvds, hats, and a very memorable excursion to Yankee Candle.
Indeed.
Jack: Oh, genius plan Daniel!
Daniel: Well, do you have a better idea? Other than nuking something.
Jack: ...
Hammond: Well someone needs to talk to it at any rate. Colonel, I’ll put you in charge of the interrogation since you’re so objective and all. Oh wait.
Jack: No, too late, you said it! No take backs.
Teal’c: I shall assist O’Neill.
Janet: And someone needs to keep base personnel calm. The members of Sam's fanclub are trying to hold a candlelight vigil and they keep setting off the sprinklers. Siler is bound to slip in the water and break his arm before too much longer.
Jack: Who the hell is in this fanclub? Do I need to have a chat with some people?
Teal’c: I have already spoken to them, O’Neill. They are aware that death will be swift should they grow too obnoxious.
Hammond: Sigh. Teal’c, we really need to work on this Jaffa Revenge thing.
So Jack goes off and emos in the locker room and gazes forlornly at Carter’s locker.
Teal’c: This is quite a pickle, O’Neill.
Jack: Teal,’c, I told you not to pick up idioms from TVLand. And I don’t know how I’m gonna talk to Carter. Any sage advice?
Teal’c: No.
Jack: Well crap.
Meanwhile, Jolinar and Sam were chillaxin in the brig.
Jolinar: I can’t BELIEVE I’ve been captured by a bunch of pathetic Tau'ri! It’s so embarrassing. I’ll never live this down. And this cell is hideous!
Sam: Yes, life is SO hard for you. Boo hoo.
Jolinar: You’ve been hanging around Jack too much
Sam: COLONEL O’NEILL, to you, you slug. And we’re in a brig, it’s not supposed to be pretty in here. I’m finding your obsession with sparkly crystals disturbing, I might add.
Jolinar: Uh, the Tokr’a have fierce decorating/fashion sense.
Sam: You dress like a cross between drunk hippie weirdos on your way to a Renaissance Fair and extras on a Star Wars movie.
Jolinar: Bitch, please, like you’re wardrobe is that great. You are super frumpy.
Both these things are true.
Then Jack comes in to chat with his snaked secret girlfriend.
Jack: GET OUT OF CARTER!
Jolinar/Sam: I want out of here, for reals. This is the worst blending EVER.
Jack and Sam: EVIL ALIEN POSSESSION
Jolinar: aw, you two are so adorable!
Jack: I’m going to get into a staring match with you now and make you to leave Carter with my brain.
Jolinar/Sam: Well then I’ll be here awhile. Oh, snap!
So Daniel goes to talk to Jolinar’s ex-host’s wife (confused much?) and accuses her of being criminally dumb since she didn’t notice her husband had a snake in the head. Maybe they had marital problems, Daniel, don’t be judgey.
Sam and Jack and Jolinar continue to prove that three’s a crowd and that sitting in mood lighting can help to demonstrate how angsty and emo you are.
Jack; GET OUT OF CARTER!
Jolinar/Sam: You are like a broken record. Look, I’m MORE than willing to leave this crazyass psycho who won’t freaking SHUT UP about physics, zomg. Just drop me off on a nice beach planet and I’ll be happy to find another host. I even promise not to kill Sam in the process!
Sam: Gee thanks. Though does your leaving my body involve me barfing up a slug, cause ew.
Jack: I DO NOT LIKE THIS PLAN, LEAVE CARTER NOW
Jolinar/Sam: Did you go to goa’uld diplomacy school? I mean really, there’s no need to yell at me.
Jack: YOU’RE A FREAKING GOA’ULD, AND SINCE I CAN’T SHOOT YOU I CAN AT LEAST YELL AT YOU.
Jolinar/Sam: I’m. Not. A. Goa’uld.
Sam: I told you no one knows about this Tok’ra crap.
Jolinar/Sam: Lookit, I’m a Tok’ra rebel! We are awesome! We hate the Goa’uld! They are gold-loving, totalitarian, capitalist egomaniacs with mega hideous fashion sense. The Tok’ra are cool and anti-establishment and live in crystal cave communes, like Fraggle Rock!
Sam: You dress like Fraggles too.
Jack: Well, that doesn’t sound so bad. Sticking it to the man and all.
Jolinar/Sam: Yes! You’ll totally love us when you get to know us.
Jack: Yeah, the only problem with that is that YOU HAVE TO INVADE OTHER PEOPLE’S BODIES IN ORDER FOR ME TO GET ACQUAINTED WITH YOU, AND YOU’RE CURRENTLY IN CARTER! And you are a lying Goa’uld, so peace out. Carter, SG1 has got your back. Janet will totally cut this thing out of your head if she has to.
Sam: zomg, no, that did not go well with Kawalsky!
Jack: And it will be better than that whole Kawalsky surgery, for sure.
Jolinar/Sam: I already told you I can leave on my own, I just need a new host! Just let me take Carter on a little vacay and she’ll come back, tok’ra free in a jiffy!
Jack: Leaving now.
Jolinar: Well, desperate times ..
Jolinar as Sam: *cries* no don’t leave me alone with the super cool Tok’ra! Her coolness is overwhelming me since I’m such a science geek! And she dresses better too! *cries*
Jack: crap, why won’t this stupid door open! I can’t handle women crying, it’s really awkward!
Sam: Please tell me the Colonel didn’t buy that. Like I would freaking cry, I mean really. I am hardcore.
Jolinar: Well crap. Your boyfriend sucks. My boyfriend always does whatever I want when I cry.
Sam: Maybe your boyfriend is a pansy.
Jolinar: Do you wanna throw down? Cause it’s on, bitch, as soon as I get another body.
Sam: ooh, I’m so scared.
So a little while later, Teal’c comes to pay Jolinar/Sam a visit. Jack refused to come back because there might be more crying.
Teal’c: *stares*
Jolinar/Sam: Hey, watch who you are staring menacingly at, buddy. I’m Jolinar of Freaking Malkshur, Tok’ra hero extraordinaire
Sam: And noted egomaniac
Teal’c: *raises eyebrow*
Jolinar/Sam: Be amazed fool. Now go talk to someone in charge and get me the hell out of here.
Meanwhile, Janet discovers that the Ashrak mummy has escaped and has been replaced with Knocked-Out-SGC-Doctor Mummy! Oh noes!
Daniel also stops by to talk to his snaked teammate. After Jolinar totally lies about knowing where his wife is, Sam proceeds to recite the entire dialing program that she designed for the gate while loudly singing terrible 80s songs (off-key). Jolinar considers suicide.
After much prodding (literally) from Teal’c, Jack agrees to come back to see his super secret girlfriend/ self-proclaimed Tok’ra celebrity.
Jack: So ... not lying, huh?
Jolinar/Sam: No.
Jack: You’re really some sort of rebel snake?
Jolinar/Sam: Yes.
Jack: Huh. Really?
Jolinar/Sam: YES. Also, a crazed assassin possibly disguised as a Mummy is on his way here to kill me.
Jack: Uh, you didn’t think to mention this BEFORE?
Jolinar/Sam: Well, no. I need to go before he finds me!
After a few more minutes of this, Jack goes to debrief General Hammond on the latest developments.
Hammond: Well, leave it to Captain Carter to get taken over by some sort of goa’uld rebel war hero ... thing.
Jack: The Goa’uld’s probably lying! They’re all liars! False gods, ringing any bells people?
Daniel: What about this assassin story?
Hammond: We’re underground a mountain in the most secure facility on the planet! Like anyone can get in here.
Yes, Hammond, no one BUT an Ashrak Mummy could get in! Whoops.
Ashrak Mummy: I am here to kill you.
Jolinar/Sam: Duh. But hear this: *epically speechifies*
Sam: What are you DOING? You don’t get to take a dramatic last stand in someone else’s BODY! Shut up and run away or something, omg! YOU’RE GOING TO GET ME KILLED!
*Laser beam*
Jolinar/Sam: Ouch.
So Jack and Teal’c dramatically rush in to ... find Sam nearly dead. Crap timing guys!
Jack: CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP
Sam: Blerg
Life saving measures time!
Janet: God, why are these gurneys so high off the ground? Super awkward. OK, let’s save my BFF and studiously ignore the fact that Colonel is tearing up over there.
Jack: *surreptitiously wipes away tear* I’m totally fine! No problem here.
Teal’c: I cry on the inside.
Murse: Uh, Dr. Frasier, I’m getting MULTIPLE BRAIN WAVES from Captain Carter!
Janet: No need to be a drama queen. And are you sure those aren’t Sam’s regular brain waves? She probably has more than most people.
Murse: No, it’s totally the goa’uld.
Janet: Well I didn’t study freaking GOA’ULD medicine, God! Let’s just start pumping her full of drugs and see what happens.
Jack: Teal’c, my Super Colonel sense tells me that Daniel is in trouble. And the base alarm is going off too, which may or may not have been a clue there.
Teal’c: I shall go see to Daniel Jackson. You should remain here with your Izmadi.
Jack: Teal’c, you need to lay off the Star Trek reruns.
So Teal’c rushes in and saves Daniel from the Evil Ashrak Mummy by Zatting him.
Daniel: omg, you suck.
Teal’c: You are welcome.
Daniel: No, really, YOU SUCK.
And then, Jolinar dies.
Jolinar: Remember me!
Sam: I totally will, don’t worry, you psycho slug.
Jolinar: Well, I’ll make sure you will at any rate since I’m imparting all my memories to you! Be sure to find my boyfriend!
Sam: I hate you.
Jolinar: Goodbye, cruel world!
Janet: It’s a miracle, Sam is totally alive! And I pretty much just stood here!
Jack: Go, doc! Would it be unseemly for me to order everyone out of here so I could hug Carter?
Janet: Yes
Jack: How about if I just sort of crumple by her bedside and cry in a very manly fashion?
Janet: YES it would be unseemly. Suck it up and behave like a good Colonel.
Jack: FINE. *cough* Hey, Carter, glad you aren’t dead. Way to go, you kicked that snake’s ass.
Janet: *facepalm*
Sam: No, that stupid bitchy snake saved me. I’m going to have a weird Stockholm Syndrome complex about this for years now.
Jack: Well I can incorporate complexes into my 50 part plan, but not so much with the dying.
Sam: What?
Jack: What? Uh, feel better soon Carter! You’ll be tromping around offworld with us in the rain in no time.
Sam: God. I’m gonna fake being worse off than I am so I can chillax for a few days. Quick, Janet, come diagnose me as emo!
Sam turned out to be genuinely emo though, so she took a few days off while the guys hung around pathetically. And that’s how SG1 survived their first Tok'ra possession and how Carter became even more awesome and important than she was already (hint: Tok’ra memory action!).
Thanks for reading!