What the Frak Happened on BSG, as Narrated by Billy Keikeya - Part I
Well guys, the week of celebratory picspams continues with my own version of What the Frak happened on BSG! I'm really glad I did these all over my holiday break, so I can have something up daily this week!
This part covers the miniseries through season 1 and the other seasons will be up later this week. Friday is almost here! Oh, and xmaidelx I wasn't able to get Billy 'spam that we'd discussed done in time and I already had this one started, so there you go. Alas and woe. Someday though, bb, SOMEDAY. :-)
All caps from bsg-caps.com and black-celebration.net.
What the Frak Happened on BSG, As Narrated by the Ghost of Billy Keikeya.
Billy: Oooooooo. OOOOOOOO!!!!!. Did I scare anyone? *le sigh* Ok, so I’m not the scariest of ghosts. Whatever. So I have returned from the great beyond to tell all of you what’s been going on with BSG.
Which essentially means, What the Frak Has Laura Roslin been up to on BSG, because as we all know MY SPACE MOMMY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON NOT JUST ON THE SHOW BUT IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
This is my space mom and my president, Laura Roslin. She is super important.
Ahem. So let’s get started. Here’s What the Frak has been going on - as told by me since I am now omniscient and (unfortunately) dead. You win some, you lose some.
The Miniseries and Season 1
Ok, so first we’d best start off with Cylons. Cylons are crazy killer robots that LOOK LIKE PEOPLE! *gasp* Cylons enjoy sexing up humans, throwing humans in jail, killing humans, blowing shit up, blowing up entire planets, committing genocide, being mystical and emo-ish, rambling on about the One True Cylon God, getting knocked up, and being pretty badass, not gonna lie.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s move on to the most important person here: Laura Roslin. On the day where the Cylons blew up the colonies, blah blah, some fool told Laura Roslin that she had terminal cancer. EPIC FAILURE.
Don’t worry though, my space mommy is basically immortal and she totally doesn’t die. In fact, were she to actually die, the entire universe might implode from sadness and woe, which would be worse than the Cylon attack even! So there will be no dying at all.
Here's my space mommy looking pretty.
So my space mommy got on a ship that would become Colonial One and headed to Galactica to meet her future One True Love, Commander (later Admiral) William (Bill) Adama.
This is where I met my space mom!
Except that they weren't going to get around to the whole True Love thing for a while. Cause they really didn't like each other at first. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Anyways, I got lost on board and wandered into a bathroom where I met Dee. She gets her’s in the future, don’t you worry. *glares*
Check out my afro! Fun fact: Caprica had notoriously bad hair salons, thus explaining my, my space mom's, Lee's, Starbuck's, and the Commander's unfortunate hair.
My space mommy met the Commander and they didn’t get along at all. Also a secret Cylon was with her, but we left him in a storage locker later, so there, Cylon. Take that.
Galactica has lots of people on board who will later be important. I’ll give you a quick rundown of who’s who, and then we can get back to my important space mommy.
So there’s Bill Adama who is the best Commander/Admiral ever. He blows up Cylons, saves the fleet, learns to listen to my space mommy’s wise advice, and later falls completely in love with her.
Well, done, Admiral, well done.
Saul Tigh is Bill’s BFF and is a drunken, disgruntled, badass motherfrakker. Shut yo mouth, I’m talking about Saul (Tigh).
Starbuck, aka Kara Thrace, is badass and all kinds of frakked up. There’s lots of yelling and drinking and blowing crap up, and emoish art involved here. She has an awful lot in common with some cylons come to think of it...yikes.
Leeland Adama, aka Apollo, aka Lee, aka Leemo is possibly schizophrenic. He’s a pilot, he’s a presidential advisor, he hates his dad, he loves his dad, he’s the CAG, he commands a battlestar, he’s a lawyer, he’s a politician, he’s kind of the president. He should have listened to my space mommy’s career advice early on, but alas he did not and now we are all subjected to his “inspirational” speeches and silky Eurotrash shirts.
Oh and I am STILL the favorite Space!son, Lee, so suck it.
Dee was my girlfriend and was really cute and nice and very very short until she saw Leeland working out in the gym. Well, she didn’t like, grow 5 inches after that but she did turn into a two-faced, mean, superficial... I’ll stop now. Stupid Lee with his stupid arm muscles. If I wasn’t so busy RUNNING THE ENTIRE FLEET WITH THE PRESIDENT then I would’ve had time to get awesome biceps too! As my space mommy is fond of saying ZEUS ON A FRAKKING CRACKER.
Moving on. Here’s Gaius Baltar who is crazy-pants. Really. He’s also brilliant and was apparently the only scientist to survive the attacks (...), so my space mommy was forced to work with him.
He gets to be Vice President later and then becomes the worst president of all time and THEN he becomes a cult leader with girlie groupie sex things whatever they are. He’s almost as scattered as Lee is when it comes to occupations!
The many careers of Gaius Baltar: Scientist, Vice President (also crazy), President (who sucked), Cult Leader
Baltar has a head!girlfriend known as head!Six, not to be confused with her real-life counterpart, Caprica Six. And all the other Sixes running around. There’s a lot of them and they are a complex bunch. They are consistently hot and hardcore
This is Tom Zarek. He’s a giant tool and is my space mommy’s political rival. It’s partly his fault that Baltar got to be VP and later the Prez.
Way to go, Tom. Loser.
There’s also Doc Cottle who is a curmudgeon, but he secretly likes my space mommy, even though he gives her a lot of crap. Doc Cottle and his awesome medical skills have kept my space mommy and the Admiral alive and functioning, so he deserves kudos.
Oh there’s also Chief who yells a lot and fixes things and is generally cool.
Chief loved Boomer, who is a secret Cylon. So much for that romance (for now at least)
Here's Lee probably trying to STEAL SOMEONE ELSE'S GIRLFRIEND, GODS.
Here is Helo who is very noble and gives up his seat on a shuttle to Gaius Baltar when Caprica was getting nuked all to hell. Helo is also somewhat dumb.
While he was sojourning on Nuked!Caprica, he fell for someone he thought was Boomer but was actually a cylon copy later called Athena. Helo and Athena have a magical hybrid baby together and are generally a good couple.
Hybrid babies, hooray!
And finally, we have Boomer/Athena/Sharon/Cylon Number 8 herself(selves). Boomer is very conflicted and in denial about her secret Cylon nature. Athena is also conflicted at times about her decision to join the humans
So that’s all the other people. Moving right along.
So my space mommy became Madam President after everyone else in the government got blown up by the Cylons and right off the bat she was the best president ever.
She rescued thousands of people, made tough decisions. took charge, kicked ass, we bonded, she dubbed Leemo Captain Apollo (probably cause she couldn’t remember his name... I mean I never had a nickname, so there).
And she argued with the then Commander and he was sort of annoying and wanted to go out in a blaze of glory shooting up Cylons or something. I think he was having a mid-life crisis at the time. Anyway, he came to his senses after Madam Prez started talking about having babies and the fleet made a run for it. TO EARTH!
My President likes babies since she enjoys adding numbers to her white board.
Except that Earth was made-up and not real. Except that it was real. It’s confusing.
So the fleet continued to run away from the Cylons, and occasionally we stopped to fight them so that Starbuck and Leeland could look cool in their vipers and shit. And we all tried to survive together.
Madam President was amazing, of course, and kept the fleet running, with my help.
My space mom and the Commander continued to not get along for the most part. Well, they had their moments. It was a roller coaster really. They could go from feeling vaguely cordial towards one another to thinking that the other was batshit insane to wanting to off the other and then back again in a matter of seconds.
My poor boss was fighting cancer at the time, so she also had to take hallucinogenic painkillers and once passed out at her desk and sparked a near fleet-wide riot when she was out of commission for about 20 minutes. Doc Cottle came by and gave her a special kind of shot and I had to deal with the press freaking out. It wasn’t cool. Madam Prez also glared at everyone for the rest of the afternoon, which was scary.
My space mom was also having wacky visions during this time period and her new BFF Elosha, who was a priestess, told her that she was some sort of Dying Leader of Prophecy. I didn’t like the sound of that at all, so I just ignored it. Some of her visions included:
zomgs, it's Stalker!Cylon!Leoben in the mirror!
zomgs, it's magical cartography!
zomgs, there are snakes on the podium!
My boss also discovered her love of airlocks and I think she may have scared the Commander with how hardcore she was. He seemed worried she’d get trigger happy and would airlock him. Which was a valid fear.
Here is my space mom and Starbuck with Leoben, prior to his airlocking. This is my space mom's "WTF no, you are smudging the airlock glass, stop it" face.
Sidebar: Hardcore and Awesome as they are, the Commander and the President were also both gigantic dorks.
Observe their Waves of Dorkitude here. This dorkiness, oddly enough, makes them even more awesome.
This was also the period where my space mom thought that the Commander was a secret Cylon, thanks to Leoben's super secret message to her. There was lots of yelling involved once the Commander found out.
Invasion of Personal Space, Leoben! This is mainly why he was airlocked.
The Commander and the Colonel felt that their 30 year bromance was threatened during all of this, so they ganged up on my space mom who was like "Seriously?"
But he and the Prez seemed to make up after they danced together at the Colonial Day Party.
Then we found Kobol! And it was a Toaster Party.
But my President was convinced, due to some vision action, that Kobol could help us find our way to Earth, which was really real now.
Fun fact: Bill Adama is such a technological-phobe that he mandates the use of clunky old phones, magnifying glasses and abacuses on his ship.
As I recall, my poor space mommy was in a near constant state of disbelief during this period and was also rather painfully aware that she sounded like a lunatic half the time. This, amazingly enough, didn't detract from her overall awesomeness though.
My space mommy wanted to find a map to Earth (which was now real, or something) so she sent Starbuck off to get an Arrow and the Commander got really, really mad. Because he ended up looking like a liar liar pants on fire about the whole Earth business. Chillax, Commander!
Laura: So I need you to go get a magical arrow of prophecy for me....on Nuked!Caprica
Starbuck: Wha???
Laura: *I sound like a crazy person. Oh gods, maybe I AM crazy. This is frakking un-believable.*
Now I always support my President, but I didn’t like it when my space parents fought, so I advised against a divisive course of action. And no one listened to me.
Le sigh.
So the Commander got really mad and tossed my space mommy in the brig, which was not cool at all.
My space mom was seriously displeased.
Then the Commander got shot by Boomer after her robot side got activated. That’ll teach you to lock up my space mommy.
Stay tuned for Seasons 2, 3, and 4 which will be coming soon!
This part covers the miniseries through season 1 and the other seasons will be up later this week. Friday is almost here! Oh, and xmaidelx I wasn't able to get Billy 'spam that we'd discussed done in time and I already had this one started, so there you go. Alas and woe. Someday though, bb, SOMEDAY. :-)
All caps from bsg-caps.com and black-celebration.net.
What the Frak Happened on BSG, As Narrated by the Ghost of Billy Keikeya.
Billy: Oooooooo. OOOOOOOO!!!!!. Did I scare anyone? *le sigh* Ok, so I’m not the scariest of ghosts. Whatever. So I have returned from the great beyond to tell all of you what’s been going on with BSG.
Which essentially means, What the Frak Has Laura Roslin been up to on BSG, because as we all know MY SPACE MOMMY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON NOT JUST ON THE SHOW BUT IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.
This is my space mom and my president, Laura Roslin. She is super important.
Ahem. So let’s get started. Here’s What the Frak has been going on - as told by me since I am now omniscient and (unfortunately) dead. You win some, you lose some.
The Miniseries and Season 1
Ok, so first we’d best start off with Cylons. Cylons are crazy killer robots that LOOK LIKE PEOPLE! *gasp* Cylons enjoy sexing up humans, throwing humans in jail, killing humans, blowing shit up, blowing up entire planets, committing genocide, being mystical and emo-ish, rambling on about the One True Cylon God, getting knocked up, and being pretty badass, not gonna lie.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s move on to the most important person here: Laura Roslin. On the day where the Cylons blew up the colonies, blah blah, some fool told Laura Roslin that she had terminal cancer. EPIC FAILURE.
Don’t worry though, my space mommy is basically immortal and she totally doesn’t die. In fact, were she to actually die, the entire universe might implode from sadness and woe, which would be worse than the Cylon attack even! So there will be no dying at all.
Here's my space mommy looking pretty.
So my space mommy got on a ship that would become Colonial One and headed to Galactica to meet her future One True Love, Commander (later Admiral) William (Bill) Adama.
This is where I met my space mom!
Except that they weren't going to get around to the whole True Love thing for a while. Cause they really didn't like each other at first. But I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Anyways, I got lost on board and wandered into a bathroom where I met Dee. She gets her’s in the future, don’t you worry. *glares*
Check out my afro! Fun fact: Caprica had notoriously bad hair salons, thus explaining my, my space mom's, Lee's, Starbuck's, and the Commander's unfortunate hair.
My space mommy met the Commander and they didn’t get along at all. Also a secret Cylon was with her, but we left him in a storage locker later, so there, Cylon. Take that.
Galactica has lots of people on board who will later be important. I’ll give you a quick rundown of who’s who, and then we can get back to my important space mommy.
So there’s Bill Adama who is the best Commander/Admiral ever. He blows up Cylons, saves the fleet, learns to listen to my space mommy’s wise advice, and later falls completely in love with her.
Well, done, Admiral, well done.
Saul Tigh is Bill’s BFF and is a drunken, disgruntled, badass motherfrakker. Shut yo mouth, I’m talking about Saul (Tigh).
Starbuck, aka Kara Thrace, is badass and all kinds of frakked up. There’s lots of yelling and drinking and blowing crap up, and emoish art involved here. She has an awful lot in common with some cylons come to think of it...yikes.
Leeland Adama, aka Apollo, aka Lee, aka Leemo is possibly schizophrenic. He’s a pilot, he’s a presidential advisor, he hates his dad, he loves his dad, he’s the CAG, he commands a battlestar, he’s a lawyer, he’s a politician, he’s kind of the president. He should have listened to my space mommy’s career advice early on, but alas he did not and now we are all subjected to his “inspirational” speeches and silky Eurotrash shirts.
Oh and I am STILL the favorite Space!son, Lee, so suck it.
Dee was my girlfriend and was really cute and nice and very very short until she saw Leeland working out in the gym. Well, she didn’t like, grow 5 inches after that but she did turn into a two-faced, mean, superficial... I’ll stop now. Stupid Lee with his stupid arm muscles. If I wasn’t so busy RUNNING THE ENTIRE FLEET WITH THE PRESIDENT then I would’ve had time to get awesome biceps too! As my space mommy is fond of saying ZEUS ON A FRAKKING CRACKER.
Moving on. Here’s Gaius Baltar who is crazy-pants. Really. He’s also brilliant and was apparently the only scientist to survive the attacks (...), so my space mommy was forced to work with him.
He gets to be Vice President later and then becomes the worst president of all time and THEN he becomes a cult leader with girlie groupie sex things whatever they are. He’s almost as scattered as Lee is when it comes to occupations!
The many careers of Gaius Baltar: Scientist, Vice President (also crazy), President (who sucked), Cult Leader
Baltar has a head!girlfriend known as head!Six, not to be confused with her real-life counterpart, Caprica Six. And all the other Sixes running around. There’s a lot of them and they are a complex bunch. They are consistently hot and hardcore
This is Tom Zarek. He’s a giant tool and is my space mommy’s political rival. It’s partly his fault that Baltar got to be VP and later the Prez.
Way to go, Tom. Loser.
There’s also Doc Cottle who is a curmudgeon, but he secretly likes my space mommy, even though he gives her a lot of crap. Doc Cottle and his awesome medical skills have kept my space mommy and the Admiral alive and functioning, so he deserves kudos.
Oh there’s also Chief who yells a lot and fixes things and is generally cool.
Chief loved Boomer, who is a secret Cylon. So much for that romance (for now at least)
Here's Lee probably trying to STEAL SOMEONE ELSE'S GIRLFRIEND, GODS.
Here is Helo who is very noble and gives up his seat on a shuttle to Gaius Baltar when Caprica was getting nuked all to hell. Helo is also somewhat dumb.
While he was sojourning on Nuked!Caprica, he fell for someone he thought was Boomer but was actually a cylon copy later called Athena. Helo and Athena have a magical hybrid baby together and are generally a good couple.
Hybrid babies, hooray!
And finally, we have Boomer/Athena/Sharon/Cylon Number 8 herself(selves). Boomer is very conflicted and in denial about her secret Cylon nature. Athena is also conflicted at times about her decision to join the humans
So that’s all the other people. Moving right along.
So my space mommy became Madam President after everyone else in the government got blown up by the Cylons and right off the bat she was the best president ever.
She rescued thousands of people, made tough decisions. took charge, kicked ass, we bonded, she dubbed Leemo Captain Apollo (probably cause she couldn’t remember his name... I mean I never had a nickname, so there).
And she argued with the then Commander and he was sort of annoying and wanted to go out in a blaze of glory shooting up Cylons or something. I think he was having a mid-life crisis at the time. Anyway, he came to his senses after Madam Prez started talking about having babies and the fleet made a run for it. TO EARTH!
My President likes babies since she enjoys adding numbers to her white board.
Except that Earth was made-up and not real. Except that it was real. It’s confusing.
So the fleet continued to run away from the Cylons, and occasionally we stopped to fight them so that Starbuck and Leeland could look cool in their vipers and shit. And we all tried to survive together.
Madam President was amazing, of course, and kept the fleet running, with my help.
My space mom and the Commander continued to not get along for the most part. Well, they had their moments. It was a roller coaster really. They could go from feeling vaguely cordial towards one another to thinking that the other was batshit insane to wanting to off the other and then back again in a matter of seconds.
My poor boss was fighting cancer at the time, so she also had to take hallucinogenic painkillers and once passed out at her desk and sparked a near fleet-wide riot when she was out of commission for about 20 minutes. Doc Cottle came by and gave her a special kind of shot and I had to deal with the press freaking out. It wasn’t cool. Madam Prez also glared at everyone for the rest of the afternoon, which was scary.
My space mom was also having wacky visions during this time period and her new BFF Elosha, who was a priestess, told her that she was some sort of Dying Leader of Prophecy. I didn’t like the sound of that at all, so I just ignored it. Some of her visions included:
zomgs, it's Stalker!Cylon!Leoben in the mirror!
zomgs, it's magical cartography!
zomgs, there are snakes on the podium!
My boss also discovered her love of airlocks and I think she may have scared the Commander with how hardcore she was. He seemed worried she’d get trigger happy and would airlock him. Which was a valid fear.
Here is my space mom and Starbuck with Leoben, prior to his airlocking. This is my space mom's "WTF no, you are smudging the airlock glass, stop it" face.
Sidebar: Hardcore and Awesome as they are, the Commander and the President were also both gigantic dorks.
Observe their Waves of Dorkitude here. This dorkiness, oddly enough, makes them even more awesome.
This was also the period where my space mom thought that the Commander was a secret Cylon, thanks to Leoben's super secret message to her. There was lots of yelling involved once the Commander found out.
Invasion of Personal Space, Leoben! This is mainly why he was airlocked.
The Commander and the Colonel felt that their 30 year bromance was threatened during all of this, so they ganged up on my space mom who was like "Seriously?"
But he and the Prez seemed to make up after they danced together at the Colonial Day Party.
Then we found Kobol! And it was a Toaster Party.
But my President was convinced, due to some vision action, that Kobol could help us find our way to Earth, which was really real now.
Fun fact: Bill Adama is such a technological-phobe that he mandates the use of clunky old phones, magnifying glasses and abacuses on his ship.
As I recall, my poor space mommy was in a near constant state of disbelief during this period and was also rather painfully aware that she sounded like a lunatic half the time. This, amazingly enough, didn't detract from her overall awesomeness though.
My space mommy wanted to find a map to Earth (which was now real, or something) so she sent Starbuck off to get an Arrow and the Commander got really, really mad. Because he ended up looking like a liar liar pants on fire about the whole Earth business. Chillax, Commander!
Laura: So I need you to go get a magical arrow of prophecy for me....on Nuked!Caprica
Starbuck: Wha???
Laura: *I sound like a crazy person. Oh gods, maybe I AM crazy. This is frakking un-believable.*
Now I always support my President, but I didn’t like it when my space parents fought, so I advised against a divisive course of action. And no one listened to me.
Le sigh.
So the Commander got really mad and tossed my space mommy in the brig, which was not cool at all.
My space mom was seriously displeased.
Then the Commander got shot by Boomer after her robot side got activated. That’ll teach you to lock up my space mommy.
Stay tuned for Seasons 2, 3, and 4 which will be coming soon!