Past the Point of No Return
"Past the point of no return, no backward glances
The games we played 'til now are at an end
...
You have brought me to that moment where words run dry
To that moment where speech disappears into silence, silence
...
Past the point of no return, the final threshold
the bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn
We've past the point of no return."
-"The Point of No Return" Phantom of the Opera
I include this quote knowing that many of you will apply it to speaking of passions and the throwing off of reserve of our carnal nature. But please, relook at this with me. I have a habit of doing this, reworking things for my own devices, but this is what I really meant by it.
My family has abused me one too many times with this one. I am past the point of no return. I am willing to stand and watch the bridges burn, I am willing to give up the charades we play. I am a slave to truth. I hate pretending. The relationship I have with my family grates against my soul. It pains me to say that I believe I would be better without it.
When you tell someone that you will pay only $15,000 for their college per year with one child, and say that it is like that with rest, yet my father is paying $35,000 per year for my brother to go to school, and my sister is starting at some $50,000 a year cooking school that requires all funds to be paid up front. Meanwhile, I am the one who is going to a modestly priced school of about $5,000 - $6,000 per year with scholarships and yet we are taking out loans because I am put on the back burner. I will tell you one thing - I will not be held responsible for the interest accrued on those loans. Those are coming out of his pocket.
It is kind of ironic that I choose this song to represent my feelings towards them at the moment. Perhaps it is tied to the Scarlet Letter they have pinned on me. I was just telling Andy how I love our family so much. Even though we got pregnant before we were married, it's not like we are a family born out of wedlock, yet this is how my family treats us. My mother is always judging me behind my back, just like she has most of my life. Just because we don't agree on most things does not mean you have to dwell on them. I wanted to go to church with them on Sunday, but the night before we were having a problem putting Emma to bed. I tried putting her to bed at her normal bedtime but she had taken a nap late that day and we ended up staying up until 2:30 AM with her. We just let her do her thing while we watch movies or play video games, I mean, what else are you going to do? She comes into my room where I'm in bed watching TV and starts judging me, saying, "Is this really good for your daughter?" Ok, she of anyone should know that with small children, there are late nights. It's not like we are pushing it on her. Plus, we usually don't wake up until about noon anyway, so what difference does it make if you go to bed at 9 and wake up at 6 (something I will never do because I am just not wired that way), or if you go to bed at 3 and wake up at noon? I understand that our bodies have a circadian rhythm, but that is our rhythm. I am blessed to be in a family where we are all night people. I enjoy staying up with them. The fact is we're just not tired at 10 PM and I get most of my best work done late at night. GET OVER IT.
You come into my house, mess with my stuff, and then have the audacity to tell me that I'm wrong? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! It was one thing when I was a child living in your house, you could tell me what to do, but now? I am a grown woman and this is the way we choose to live our life. If you don't like it, you can get a hotel.
Alison is a spoiled brat who has never had a real problem in her life. She's going on and on about how they key to life is to just fully surrender to God and realize that you can't do anything on your own. And when you can do this fully, miracles will happen. So, since she's deciding to be so preachy, I ask her what miracles have happened in her own life that she can point to. She is thrown off for a little bit, and then says, "Well, when I wanted to go to the Phillippines on my missions trip, I had to raise $2,000 that I didn't know where it was coming from. I sent out letter and only got about $90, so I decided to have a bake sale. I went out of my comfort zone and I raised more than I needed and people were even giving me more money than the things cost when they learned I was raising money for a missions trip." I'm sorry, Alison, that's a nice story, but it's not a miracle. You raised enough money because you WENT OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Non-Christians do this all the time. You know what other group is urged to go out of their comfort zone? Salesmen.
The other night, she comes waltzing into the kitchen hyped up on some conversation she had just had about how she was going to become a chef and have her own restaurant someday. She says, "I'm going to be an entrepreneur and have my own cafe and my own corporation and I'm going to have five people working under me!" I'm like, really? That's interesting, because I would like to meet the people who would work for you. You would probably have to find some of your equally brainless church friends to work for you, at which point the whole operation would be an utter failure. First of all, "entrepreneur" is a neutral term. It is neither good nor bad. Things could go really well for you or they could tank horribly. Being an entrepreneur is a risk, yet it is an ideal that has been ingrained into all of our friends by my Dad, who happens to be a very successful entrepreneur. I think she is missing the risk factor. There are certain things you need to be successful when starting your own business. #1 - You have to be a hard worker. You have to be willing to put in long hours with little pay. I'm sorry, but I just can't see my sister doing this. She is always concerned with her health. She will just leave the group at random intervals to be by herself and breathe. We were walking around downtown Portsmouth yesterday and she would do random pirrhoutes while we were walking (it was soo embarrassing!). She would not last a day in a real restaurant, the pace would be too fast for her.
She then talks about all these mothers at her church who say, "You would be perfect for my son!" Interesting how none of the sons ever ask her out. I'm just saying, could it be because she's embarrassing? A ditz? A total and complete moron/airhead? Any of the above would be enough to never be asked out again. I mean, the girl is almost 22 and she reminds me of an old biddy.
This week we are going to Orlando for a conference at which my Dad is being honored with an award, the biggest award in his line of work. It is also his birthday and we are all going to Disney World and Universal Studios. Well, I take that back, Andy, Emma, and I, plus Tony and his girlfriend will be able to join us at Universal Studios. My mom and sister who were supposed to go with us flaked out at the last minute with excuses of how tired they would be after three days at Disney World. The real reason, though, is because they are uncomfortable with the "witchcraft" at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, something I was very much looking forward to exposing themselves to. But apparently they will never know. They are blinded by some sense of self-righteousness. If you will be so tired, why don't you take off one of the many days at Disney World instead? It is the biggest load of BS I have ever heard.
I think that's enough of a rant until now. I hope I have painted a good enough picture for you. Alison talks about her school all the time, about how nice it is and how they have these famous chefs come and speak. They better for $50K! I just don't know what she could get out of this school that could warrant that price. She has her head so far up her ass she thinks that she's already "made it" and that life is so easy. I cannot wait until she gets a splash of cool, hard reality. I cannot wait until she is in a social situation that isn't church where people will think she is weird and will treat her like an outcast. She made a complete and utter fool of herself at our wedding. Andy's friends are nice guys, but they noted afterward to Andy how much of an idiot my sister was. I just don't think that she will be able to continue like this if she doesn't have to constant protection of Mommy and Daddy and living at home.
Riddle me this - how does my Dad get off making a list of debts that I owe him, things like paying him back for various minor car troubles, advances so that I could have spending time when I was modeling, community college classes, etc. He has paid all of Alison's community classes. There were times when I couldn't even take classes because I didn't have the money. Did I come running to Daddy? I realized that that was my responsibility. When I turned 18, my parents said that they would start charging me rent to stay in their own home, yet Alison is almost 22 and has not only been living at home, she has been staying at the $3,000/mo. beach condo that my Dad rents for my mother. Does she have a list of debts? Somehow I have never heard of one. It is because she is their little puppet and fits into their society. Because she is the "Creative one," even though she has shown no unusual creative talent. I'm sorry, but creativity is only good for society when it is used to solve problems in an out of the box manner. That is when it is useful. Bringing fake flowers and candied hearts and sprinkling them over the table on Valentine's Day is cute, it's not creative. I cannot believe that people are calling you the next Rachel Ray for this. She and I are about the same when it comes to cooking skill. She has fed me some things that were God-awful. Everything else is just a puffed up ego encouraged by herself and all those around her.
I need to close this post and do my homework for the week so I don't have to worry about it on vacation, but I hope I have made it quite clear why I am at the end of my rope. I guarantee you that we would not even talk with our family if it wasn't for Emma. My mother is so afraid that we will cut her off or that Emma won't love her. Maybe you should have thought of that before you suggested we put her up for adoption. You know, and I even feel bad for my mom sometimes. I bend over backwards to try and please these people, yet it is impossible. They always want to go out and do things, which I have no problem with. They are insatiable. My mom is chlostrophobic. She has this complex where she just, "Has to get out of the house," or she goes crazy. This has led to her getting her own rental car in the past "just so she can get out." It is so pathetic. At least Andy's family actually enjoys spending time with us when they come over.
I suppose at the root of it I just want to be loved and appreciated by my own family. Yes, the hypocracy and the rudeness and the inconsideration bother me, but at the root I think that that is what hurts the most. It hurts me to cut things off because this is all I've ever wanted, is their respect and support, but I just have to accept that I am probably never going to get that. I am sick of my Dad thinking he owns us as long as he dangles a carrot of college tuition in front of my face. You can keep it, we don't need you or your money. I am sick of being a doormat and I truly believe that cutting this off will be the start of my sticking up for myself.