Every little thing.
Monday: My boss took the day off work so I was in charge all day. Ten hours, busy all day but not end-of-the-world busy, and we had a manager from another store help for a few hours in the afternoon. She wasn't actually much of a help, but at least we had someone able to approve anything over my not-high-enough-when-there's-no-manager limits. And we survived with smiles on our faces.
Tuesday: The bank was closed, thank god and the veterans, because I desperately needed it. Mom called at 8a, and even thinking it was Sunday (not working and there was church going on next door), I knew that meant something was wrong -- a famiy friend who needed a liver transplant passed away Monday evening. I was on my way to Target and had to take a moment on a stoop because, well, damn. The rest of the day was quiet -- cooking, cleaning, running, reading.
Today: No work scheduled because I volunteered to help assemble gift bags for an LGBTQ organization awards dinner happening tonight. Went to work anyway because I needed to talk to my boss about a situation from Monday that took too long to send in an email. Good thing I did because my boss did not come into work after all (her son was sick) so me in my jeans and Chucks tried to keep things moving from behind the scenes and to set the team up for success to do it without Bosslady or myself. And had a crisis about what to do -- go home and change and work or go to the gift bag setup then go home and change and work or just do the volunteering and stay away from work. Thankfully one of my coworkers told me, "Erica, don't let the bank's problem be your problem," and since he's the most senior banker and in charge when I'm not there, I felt a lot better about leaving for the day. And no one ever contacted me so they survived. Yay.
Volunteering was okay. The organizer was super cool and nice, but the gift bag crew was disorganized and got in each others' ways and had too many Indians trying to be chiefs. Got in my own groove doing my own thing and didn't have to make too much small talk. Felt good about being there and doing something that helps promote good in the world but was glad when it was over.
But while I was there, I got a text from one of my roommates -- our landlord has decided to sell our apartment. Oy. We have to vacate by December 31. Fantastic. It was such icing on top of a stressful cake on what should have been a relaxing, feel-good day. Oh well. I cleared my head by getting coffee and saying hello to a barista I used to see at my last bank then sitting by the East River for a long while working on a crossword and gazing out over the water every now and again.
And then I came home and did laundry and went for a run and ate dinner and talked to some friends and called my sister and continued to try not to freak out very much. Moving is moving, and it will suck, and finding a new place is rough and expensive, and I'm probably going to have to ask my parents for money which I HATE but is just the reality of the situation and won't kill me, and there we have it. And that's okay.
It really is. I've had moments of feeling a little like I'm hanging on by a thread but I am able to convince myself that I'm tougher than falling apart at life happening, and then I am tough and don't fall apart. Because this is life happening, and this is the life I choose.
There have also been a couple of moments where I don't feel alone, just lonely, and I wish I had someone by my side because I'm getting too old to do Life all by myself all the time. But then it's okay and maybe it will happen soon enough and if it doesn't, that will just be what it is.
Tomorrow will start the Craigslist searching and talking to my roommates about what they are planning and if anyone is interested in continuing to live together, etc. but tonight I'm not going to go crazy with trying to Make Sense out of anything. I'm going to talk to my sister when she calls me back and watch Grey's Anatomy and take a sleeping pill because I did not remember that drinking a triple latte at 2p is not a good idea. And make a list of Good Stuff, because there is and always will be good stuff.
The Good Stuff:
Tuesday: The bank was closed, thank god and the veterans, because I desperately needed it. Mom called at 8a, and even thinking it was Sunday (not working and there was church going on next door), I knew that meant something was wrong -- a famiy friend who needed a liver transplant passed away Monday evening. I was on my way to Target and had to take a moment on a stoop because, well, damn. The rest of the day was quiet -- cooking, cleaning, running, reading.
Today: No work scheduled because I volunteered to help assemble gift bags for an LGBTQ organization awards dinner happening tonight. Went to work anyway because I needed to talk to my boss about a situation from Monday that took too long to send in an email. Good thing I did because my boss did not come into work after all (her son was sick) so me in my jeans and Chucks tried to keep things moving from behind the scenes and to set the team up for success to do it without Bosslady or myself. And had a crisis about what to do -- go home and change and work or go to the gift bag setup then go home and change and work or just do the volunteering and stay away from work. Thankfully one of my coworkers told me, "Erica, don't let the bank's problem be your problem," and since he's the most senior banker and in charge when I'm not there, I felt a lot better about leaving for the day. And no one ever contacted me so they survived. Yay.
Volunteering was okay. The organizer was super cool and nice, but the gift bag crew was disorganized and got in each others' ways and had too many Indians trying to be chiefs. Got in my own groove doing my own thing and didn't have to make too much small talk. Felt good about being there and doing something that helps promote good in the world but was glad when it was over.
But while I was there, I got a text from one of my roommates -- our landlord has decided to sell our apartment. Oy. We have to vacate by December 31. Fantastic. It was such icing on top of a stressful cake on what should have been a relaxing, feel-good day. Oh well. I cleared my head by getting coffee and saying hello to a barista I used to see at my last bank then sitting by the East River for a long while working on a crossword and gazing out over the water every now and again.
And then I came home and did laundry and went for a run and ate dinner and talked to some friends and called my sister and continued to try not to freak out very much. Moving is moving, and it will suck, and finding a new place is rough and expensive, and I'm probably going to have to ask my parents for money which I HATE but is just the reality of the situation and won't kill me, and there we have it. And that's okay.
It really is. I've had moments of feeling a little like I'm hanging on by a thread but I am able to convince myself that I'm tougher than falling apart at life happening, and then I am tough and don't fall apart. Because this is life happening, and this is the life I choose.
There have also been a couple of moments where I don't feel alone, just lonely, and I wish I had someone by my side because I'm getting too old to do Life all by myself all the time. But then it's okay and maybe it will happen soon enough and if it doesn't, that will just be what it is.
Tomorrow will start the Craigslist searching and talking to my roommates about what they are planning and if anyone is interested in continuing to live together, etc. but tonight I'm not going to go crazy with trying to Make Sense out of anything. I'm going to talk to my sister when she calls me back and watch Grey's Anatomy and take a sleeping pill because I did not remember that drinking a triple latte at 2p is not a good idea. And make a list of Good Stuff, because there is and always will be good stuff.
The Good Stuff:
- I'm alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic. And I want to be, so that's even better.
- A week ago, I started Couch-2-5K (again) -- this time for the last time! I've really had to talk myself into going for a run a few times, but I've always been able to and have always felt better afterward (duh).
- Making cheesecake for the first time tomorrow for work's Thanksgiving potluck on Friday. Pumpkin cheesecake, possibly with Oreo crust. Delicious (I hope).
- California in ten days! My parents in eleven days! Blue-eyed monster nephew in twelve days! Even if it means I should take my computer with me and need be apartment hunting on vacation, I am SO HAPPY to go home and see my family and friends.
- There is In-n-Out in my foreseeable future. This is fantastic.
- Crosswording again. I'm terrible again, but it still brings me such joy.
- Finished the five books of A Song of Ice And Fire and loved them! C'mon , GRRM, book six!
- I have a working body and a wonderful family and truly spectacular friends and am not the person I was ten years ago or five years ago or three years ago or one year ago, and I am happy to be the person I am today vs. any of those other Ericas. This Erica is pretty cool with me, and I will continue to learn and grow and don't have to be fearful of losing people around me to that because they encourage me and love me and want what's best for me and trust me to figure out what that is and have and will support me whatever it is. It is a sweet place to be after so many years not having that or not trusting that. Truly sweet.