(no subject)
So I was writing in my real journal, which I've been doing a lot of these days, and I realized that I wanted to write about this thing on LJ -- perhaps it's self-serving, but I thought, I could use my LJ girls around me. Which basically means Rachel and Genna and Steph -- hi, ladies. :) Your support always makes me feel better.
Long story (hopefully) short: There is a boy named Nick, for whom I seem to be developing some feelings. We met through OkCupid around Christmas, went on three casual but fun dates, slept together after the third. Then he disappeared. I called him out on it, expecting to hear, "Hey, I'm really just not that into you, have a nice life," but instead he apologized and told me that he got out of a longterm relationship less than a year ago and isn't looking for a new relationship but didn't know what I wanted and freaked out (his terms). I explained that I had no expectations except that he be open and honest (which was/is true). He said he likes spending time with me but just wants to be friends, and I was fine with that. We've hung out a few more times since then (just as friends), though not recently because of busyness and he was out of town.
Here it comes -- in the intervening few weeks since I've seen him, I've realized and come to accept that I am interested in him. Won't get into details, but we get along well, he is "normal" but still interesting, I like how I feel when I hang out with him, I'm attracted to him. And I get a vibe that he's not completely "just friendly" too but there are his wishes to respect.
The true kicker -- this is really the first time in my adult life that I've had a romantic interest in someone. There were a couple of crushes a few years ago, but this isn't a crush. This isn't twitter-pated and girliness. This is new territory. So I guess it makes sense that it's bringing up a whole gamut of feelings, both familiar and unfamiliar. As I was writing tonight, I realized more of the larger issues and felt like I needed some girlfriends to hear them. My gay boys are amazing, and Carlos and Chris have been especially wonderful sounding boards as I've been navigating this new and rocky terrain, but sometimes a girl needs her girlfriends to hear something too.
Anyway, I'm just going to transfer what I was writing earlier because it's getting to a core, and you all have heard about these insecurities (and supported me through them!) for years.
In that vein, Nick texted today. He asked about St. Patrick's Day plans because he's looking for some. The entire interaction was about eight texts -- sigh -- and I let myself feel used. But he said he'd let me know if he does anything so I guess we'll see.
I'm disappointed because I want more interaction, but he's done what he said he would/what was expected -- he sent a picture of the California mountains, and he texted (technically) about hanging out when he got back. So in that light, no, we're not having a conversation, but it's the interaction he said would happen. I guess I can live with that.
At work today, I said something offhand about wanting to take up sports fanaticism to keep my mind off a boy. Immediately regretted saying it because: a) it's a vulnerability, and b) it meant having to somewhat explain that vulnerability. One of my coworkers asked about "my boo," and I had to try to provide a flippant explanation that there's a guy I'm interested in but he's not interested in anything. She told me not to give up because there are ways to get a boy interested.
My initial reaction to her comment was illuminating -- first thought was, But that wouldn't work because why would he be attracted to me? And I thought about how sad it is that I still struggle so resolutely with believing that I could be considered attractive to a guy (or girl). Attractive enough to desire and/or attractive enough to date. There definitely a part of me that still believes the real reason he just wants to be friends is that my thighs are too chubby and my stomach too thick. Because if I were enough, wouldn't it push everything else aside and make him want to make room for me?
This all evokes a part of me that wants to ask him if he thinks I'm pretty, if the ex was a convenient excuse, if he ever thinks he could have feelings for me. This part is a five year old girl twirling her pink skirts, wanting to know if she's a pretty princess. The part of me that dislikes girliness hates the little girl (defense mechanism ....?); another part wants to give her a hug.
I want, I want, I want to know the answers to those questions, whatever they are. I can't ask, not now. So it is what it is. Universe, hold me and my little girl self as we clasp your sliver of hope. Please don't punish us for clinging to it, it is ever so small, I promise.