(no subject)
I was going to send the below letter to my pastor, but have decided not to. I just need to talk to someone so I am leaving this here.
I need some advice from someone whom for one I trust and secondly someone who is not connected to my family (like my parents). I talked to you some about what has happened with Rick just recently but what I did not mention is something I personally am struggling with. I do not want to talk to my parents about it, because I know for one it would scare them and for two it just is really hard to talk about.
I have been a Christian all my life. I have been through a lot I think personally, which I am sure other shave been through harder struggles then I have also. I think you know I was sexually abused by someone as a teenager. This really was a struggle to me in my teen years and also has been a struggle during my marriage also. I know I have come to the forgiveness level of the abuse but never really have dealt with the issue head on. I have tried to just bury deep down. With the help of the Lord I was able to survive and able to overcome what happened and moved on.
I then had Allysa , my first child at the age of just turning 20 years old by two days. I then got married only 9 days after that. We had the wedding planned for about a year, so it was not because of Allysa that I married Rick it was because I truly felt that I loved him. His parents warned me at the time not to marry him because I would be raising two children not just one. Meaning Rick and Allysa. Then the following day after our wedding we took Allysa to the doctor. She kept on throwing up. She was then hospitalized for over a month. I was so scared. During the first year of Allysa’s birth she was in and out of the hospital they did not knwo what was wrong with her. The last time they told us they did not think she would be coming out. I stayed strong in my faith and God again pulled Allysa through. You would never believe that she had such a hard time now. During the whole time thought that Allysa was sick I felt like then I was raising her alone. I also found out 3 months after having Allysa that we had another one on the way. Rick was doing drugs during this whole time. He was there physically in the same room but not really there.
I have dealt with this now for 17 years. We renewed our wedding vows you know just a few years ago. I had no idea at that time too Rick was going behind my back and buying drugs from my best friend. He was basically laughing behind my back that I did not know.
I feel so torn down by Rick. I feel that I have given him chances after chances and nothing seems to work. I have moved him out of our home several times. Once for 6 months. He will change for a little while and revert then back to his old ways. He munipulates the girls by taking knives in rooms with him and tells then he wants to kill himself. Then just on Sunday he took 25 pills of something and told the girls that it was my fault that he wants to kill himself. He is the one who stole, and is doing drugs. I am trying my best to raise two Christian girls that respect themselves and others. I want them to have good morals, but it is hard when they have a father that does everything I am against. I know that God does not believe in divorce, but I feel like I have given up myself these last several years to try to live up to what God expects me to do.
I guess that is why I am writing this to you, sorry for the whole long story. I am struggling very much with my faith right now. I know God loves me, but I just can’t understand what I have done to deserve to keep on having all this happen to me. I have been very ill which you know the last few years. I have never been the person to say “Why me, I say why not me”, but now I feel I am at an end. I am struggle just to write this ( I am in tears here at work writing this down). I have been faithful I know my rewards are in heaven, and I have two beautiful daughters and loving parents who all love me. I just feel that a person can take so much sometimes.
Thank you for listening. I just wanted to get this all out.
I need some advice from someone whom for one I trust and secondly someone who is not connected to my family (like my parents). I talked to you some about what has happened with Rick just recently but what I did not mention is something I personally am struggling with. I do not want to talk to my parents about it, because I know for one it would scare them and for two it just is really hard to talk about.
I have been a Christian all my life. I have been through a lot I think personally, which I am sure other shave been through harder struggles then I have also. I think you know I was sexually abused by someone as a teenager. This really was a struggle to me in my teen years and also has been a struggle during my marriage also. I know I have come to the forgiveness level of the abuse but never really have dealt with the issue head on. I have tried to just bury deep down. With the help of the Lord I was able to survive and able to overcome what happened and moved on.
I then had Allysa , my first child at the age of just turning 20 years old by two days. I then got married only 9 days after that. We had the wedding planned for about a year, so it was not because of Allysa that I married Rick it was because I truly felt that I loved him. His parents warned me at the time not to marry him because I would be raising two children not just one. Meaning Rick and Allysa. Then the following day after our wedding we took Allysa to the doctor. She kept on throwing up. She was then hospitalized for over a month. I was so scared. During the first year of Allysa’s birth she was in and out of the hospital they did not knwo what was wrong with her. The last time they told us they did not think she would be coming out. I stayed strong in my faith and God again pulled Allysa through. You would never believe that she had such a hard time now. During the whole time thought that Allysa was sick I felt like then I was raising her alone. I also found out 3 months after having Allysa that we had another one on the way. Rick was doing drugs during this whole time. He was there physically in the same room but not really there.
I have dealt with this now for 17 years. We renewed our wedding vows you know just a few years ago. I had no idea at that time too Rick was going behind my back and buying drugs from my best friend. He was basically laughing behind my back that I did not know.
I feel so torn down by Rick. I feel that I have given him chances after chances and nothing seems to work. I have moved him out of our home several times. Once for 6 months. He will change for a little while and revert then back to his old ways. He munipulates the girls by taking knives in rooms with him and tells then he wants to kill himself. Then just on Sunday he took 25 pills of something and told the girls that it was my fault that he wants to kill himself. He is the one who stole, and is doing drugs. I am trying my best to raise two Christian girls that respect themselves and others. I want them to have good morals, but it is hard when they have a father that does everything I am against. I know that God does not believe in divorce, but I feel like I have given up myself these last several years to try to live up to what God expects me to do.
I guess that is why I am writing this to you, sorry for the whole long story. I am struggling very much with my faith right now. I know God loves me, but I just can’t understand what I have done to deserve to keep on having all this happen to me. I have been very ill which you know the last few years. I have never been the person to say “Why me, I say why not me”, but now I feel I am at an end. I am struggle just to write this ( I am in tears here at work writing this down). I have been faithful I know my rewards are in heaven, and I have two beautiful daughters and loving parents who all love me. I just feel that a person can take so much sometimes.
Thank you for listening. I just wanted to get this all out.