It's gotta get better than this...

[misspriss210]

Somebody I knew just died the other day. A car crash. The car caught fire. I can't get away from it. I have to be so strong for everybody at school, for Nicci and the others that knew B and Chris. I can't get upset. So I act like nothing's wrong. Then I can't sleep. I can see them in the car when it... There's no air here. It's hard to know that I won't see B again. That he won't be at the arcade acting all cool and watching me play DDR. That there's so much that I could/should have said. People keep asking me why. Why them? Why now? I have no answers. If I did maybe I could let go of them. Move on and let them do the same. I could be alive again. I'm crying so much that I want to sleep, but my brain won't let me. The images just keep replaying. I wish that they would stop. I need them to stop. If things don't get better soon I think that I'll actually let mom put me on some anti depressants. I don't want to feel so horrible. All that I've gotten for the last 3 weeks is bad news, on top of bad news, on top of more bad news. It has to get better. What's worse is there's still fucking burn marks on the road where the fire was... where the car was... I refuse to drive. Day or night I just refuse. They hadn't even been doing anything wrong. It was just an accident. A deer got in the road and B panicked... he swerved to miss it and hit another car. That's what started the fire. The lady in the other car has two broken legs, but she's alive... The funeral is Saturday at 2. I don't think I'm going. I don't have a right to be there. Sitting with his mom and watching her, knowing that anything I'm feeling is so little compared to what she's feeling. What she's lost. Ya know... I was going to ask him out... Always hoped that he would ask me, but I was going to do it... Nobody ever knew. My heart is all tight again... I wish that I would just wake up from this nightmare. That's what this has to be, life can't be this bad... but maybe mine just is... Either way I have to keep living. I have to keep going every day. The days are so long though. Like years almost... I hate it here right now...

EDIT::: B's mom is in the hospital on Morphine and IVs. She won't eat or drink, she just cries. The told her over the phone. Stupid fuckers.