ok now THIS is the most emo entry ever written
I said I wouldn't but I did.
I am really sick today and I've been trying so hard to learn this stuff for class and I am SO bad at it I swear. My mom was trying to help me or at least she said she was. She kept taking my book from me and starting to read it and then start watching TV. I kept telling her "If you're going to help me then help me" and she'd once again tell me that she didn't understand what stuff meant and could I explain it to her.
Babe, that's what you're here for. My dad doesn't get being bad at math.He's the math genius. he loves it and is really good at it so when i'm upset and on the verge of crying and yelling he just laughs like it's funny or something. Like i'm being dramatic. I'm upset. I can't help the level of my upsetness and if he thinks that's dramatic that's his deal because to me i'm acting exactly how I feel.
I want out of this damn class. Sometimes I just really wish I could get my GED and be done with it. I won't do that because it's not as good as a diploma and it's only one year. I can tough it out one more year but I wish my parents could understand more. I think it's just been so long since they've been in highschool dealing with these kinds of problems. And I mean neither of them had the problems I do. I've always gotten hit on. It's just happened. and now people my age are hitting on my 15 year old sister. why? Couldn't tell you. No matter how i act or dress no one's interested anymore. I'm not sure why. Sometimes it feels like this huge relief and other times it's a major hit to my ego.
I just want to be out of school and on my own somewhere really far away from here with no one to be disapointed in me, no one to judge me for things I used to do or be and where I can be who I want to be instead of who I actually am. This small southern town has lost it's hospitality and charm and this small town girl has lost herself. I have no idea who I am anymore. I used to know who I was and where I was going. I knew what I was good at and what I wasn't and I was ok with it and accpeted it. Now i'm some freak who has to be good at everything and is inexplicably disapointed and depressed when she realizes she can't be good at everything.
I feel like I hate my brother and that scares the shit out of me. He is nothing but an annoyance. I have no desire to be nice to him or to include him. I want him to stay the hell away from me at all times. I don't want his hugs or his peace offerings. Tonight he came up to me and tried to threaten me into giving him a fucking bag of cheetos. I put it down on the table before he even got around the table because I knew if he touched me I'd really hurt him. I don't want to hate my brother but i don't have any good thoughts about him .Ever. I just want him to leave me alone. Let him leave the house when he wants and lie about whatever he wants just please keep him away from me.
As i read over everything i've just written i feel like a complete emo freak and it makes me want to delete it and I very well might cause i don't get this deep and upsetting where people can see. Yes you have all seen me sad and complaining and who knows. Maybe you all knew everything i just wrote is what really goes on inside me all the time. I didn't. I think about how much I'd love to change about my life all the time but until i wrote this I didn't actually think about how dark it all sounds actually coming out into words instead of jumbled thoughts. I feel like my life is just flying by and I'm not ready to deal with whats coming.
Yesterday I was a freshman with nothing but time to improve my GPA my extracurriculars and my attitude problems against my teachers but here comes senior year. My dad's giving all these speeches about how i'm not doing all I could but i really honestly think I am. This is all I can do from going crazy. I did enough to get by this school year cause all I could think about was how could I get out of this town and into some town that i could do what I loved doing and still just have my own expectations to live up to. I just want to live my life without everyone else on the planet's imput.
I've got a secret that no one knows. It's not a bad secret it's just not something i really want to share with anyone. "If you're not going to tell me your secret then why are you telling me about it?" Well because i felt like it. It feels good to know i have one thing all my own that no one can critique me on or tell me i'm doing anything the wrong way or it being something i shouldn't do. I'm shaking now. i can't tell if it's because i'm angry,tired,fighting back tears or a mixture and frankly i don't really care.
I'm really sorry if you read all that and your opinon of me was changed but i just really wanted to get all of that out. Today has brought out alot of emotions in me that i don't normally ,even with all my complaing, share with anyone. In fact reading over this i've never shared any of that with anyone. So consider your self lucky i guess.
I am really sick today and I've been trying so hard to learn this stuff for class and I am SO bad at it I swear. My mom was trying to help me or at least she said she was. She kept taking my book from me and starting to read it and then start watching TV. I kept telling her "If you're going to help me then help me" and she'd once again tell me that she didn't understand what stuff meant and could I explain it to her.
Babe, that's what you're here for. My dad doesn't get being bad at math.He's the math genius. he loves it and is really good at it so when i'm upset and on the verge of crying and yelling he just laughs like it's funny or something. Like i'm being dramatic. I'm upset. I can't help the level of my upsetness and if he thinks that's dramatic that's his deal because to me i'm acting exactly how I feel.
I want out of this damn class. Sometimes I just really wish I could get my GED and be done with it. I won't do that because it's not as good as a diploma and it's only one year. I can tough it out one more year but I wish my parents could understand more. I think it's just been so long since they've been in highschool dealing with these kinds of problems. And I mean neither of them had the problems I do. I've always gotten hit on. It's just happened. and now people my age are hitting on my 15 year old sister. why? Couldn't tell you. No matter how i act or dress no one's interested anymore. I'm not sure why. Sometimes it feels like this huge relief and other times it's a major hit to my ego.
I just want to be out of school and on my own somewhere really far away from here with no one to be disapointed in me, no one to judge me for things I used to do or be and where I can be who I want to be instead of who I actually am. This small southern town has lost it's hospitality and charm and this small town girl has lost herself. I have no idea who I am anymore. I used to know who I was and where I was going. I knew what I was good at and what I wasn't and I was ok with it and accpeted it. Now i'm some freak who has to be good at everything and is inexplicably disapointed and depressed when she realizes she can't be good at everything.
I feel like I hate my brother and that scares the shit out of me. He is nothing but an annoyance. I have no desire to be nice to him or to include him. I want him to stay the hell away from me at all times. I don't want his hugs or his peace offerings. Tonight he came up to me and tried to threaten me into giving him a fucking bag of cheetos. I put it down on the table before he even got around the table because I knew if he touched me I'd really hurt him. I don't want to hate my brother but i don't have any good thoughts about him .Ever. I just want him to leave me alone. Let him leave the house when he wants and lie about whatever he wants just please keep him away from me.
As i read over everything i've just written i feel like a complete emo freak and it makes me want to delete it and I very well might cause i don't get this deep and upsetting where people can see. Yes you have all seen me sad and complaining and who knows. Maybe you all knew everything i just wrote is what really goes on inside me all the time. I didn't. I think about how much I'd love to change about my life all the time but until i wrote this I didn't actually think about how dark it all sounds actually coming out into words instead of jumbled thoughts. I feel like my life is just flying by and I'm not ready to deal with whats coming.
Yesterday I was a freshman with nothing but time to improve my GPA my extracurriculars and my attitude problems against my teachers but here comes senior year. My dad's giving all these speeches about how i'm not doing all I could but i really honestly think I am. This is all I can do from going crazy. I did enough to get by this school year cause all I could think about was how could I get out of this town and into some town that i could do what I loved doing and still just have my own expectations to live up to. I just want to live my life without everyone else on the planet's imput.
I've got a secret that no one knows. It's not a bad secret it's just not something i really want to share with anyone. "If you're not going to tell me your secret then why are you telling me about it?" Well because i felt like it. It feels good to know i have one thing all my own that no one can critique me on or tell me i'm doing anything the wrong way or it being something i shouldn't do. I'm shaking now. i can't tell if it's because i'm angry,tired,fighting back tears or a mixture and frankly i don't really care.
I'm really sorry if you read all that and your opinon of me was changed but i just really wanted to get all of that out. Today has brought out alot of emotions in me that i don't normally ,even with all my complaing, share with anyone. In fact reading over this i've never shared any of that with anyone. So consider your self lucky i guess.