(no subject)
Eh, it's great how i never update, huh?
I've mostly been paying attention to my myspace, so eljay has been kicked to the curb for a while.
Jesus, i wonder if for one day, my house could be quiet, or my mom would just...not yell. Merry fucking Christmas!
Anyway,
I get the worst of luck. I really do think God has some vendetta against me. Here's just some of the things he's bestowed upon me:
1.) I lost the love of my life.
2.) My mother does nothing but yell.
3.) The one day i want to wear my new outfit, i can't, because i have some sort of allergic reaction to a body lotion, and my skin is all red. funnnn.
4.) My mom can't go one day without hitting me.
I hate him. I hate him. I just wonder what the fuck i did to him. And right now, i could really care less wether or not i go to hell. It's better than the hell i'm living now.
I just wanna...go away. Be invisible, something, anything. To not lead this exsistence would be the best thing anyone could grant me.
I'm unlovable,
and not loved.
I'm uncared for,
and i don't care.
I'm living like i'm dead,
and i feel dead, but i'm living.
And i'm almost failing every subject.
I hate this. I hate how i can't even feel proud of myself for one thing. i try my hardest, and it's still not good enough. nothing. I can't even get the person i'm in love with. Do i not show emotion? Do i not show anything but pain? And even when i do show pain, i try to hide it, like everything else. Behind my smile, there lies millions of secrets, suicide notes, and sin.
And i hate myself for that. Why be brought into a world, when all your life is, is pain. When you live each day knowing that it's not going to be better. When the only thing you have to look forward to is being 16 and being able to drive away, or 18, and being able to move away. And then you can't even depend on happiness, because happiness doesn't happen to a person like me. I always lose it. Just like i lost Chris. I've never been happier than i was with him. And no matter what anyone says, i don't think they can love him as much as i did. And that sounds concieded, but i really don't care anymore. I can't live hiding my feelings. He was the only thing that i woke up for, and he was the only thing that made me forget about my homelife.
I miss going over his house, and feeling safe with him next to me, even if i did have to go back home after, it didn't matter, atleast for one time in a day, i felt safe in his arms. And i miss that security.
I'm gonna end this entry, so i don't ramble on more.
I need to hit something, i'm tired of being the one who's always hit.
<3
I've mostly been paying attention to my myspace, so eljay has been kicked to the curb for a while.
Jesus, i wonder if for one day, my house could be quiet, or my mom would just...not yell. Merry fucking Christmas!
Anyway,
I get the worst of luck. I really do think God has some vendetta against me. Here's just some of the things he's bestowed upon me:
1.) I lost the love of my life.
2.) My mother does nothing but yell.
3.) The one day i want to wear my new outfit, i can't, because i have some sort of allergic reaction to a body lotion, and my skin is all red. funnnn.
4.) My mom can't go one day without hitting me.
I hate him. I hate him. I just wonder what the fuck i did to him. And right now, i could really care less wether or not i go to hell. It's better than the hell i'm living now.
I just wanna...go away. Be invisible, something, anything. To not lead this exsistence would be the best thing anyone could grant me.
I'm unlovable,
and not loved.
I'm uncared for,
and i don't care.
I'm living like i'm dead,
and i feel dead, but i'm living.
And i'm almost failing every subject.
I hate this. I hate how i can't even feel proud of myself for one thing. i try my hardest, and it's still not good enough. nothing. I can't even get the person i'm in love with. Do i not show emotion? Do i not show anything but pain? And even when i do show pain, i try to hide it, like everything else. Behind my smile, there lies millions of secrets, suicide notes, and sin.
And i hate myself for that. Why be brought into a world, when all your life is, is pain. When you live each day knowing that it's not going to be better. When the only thing you have to look forward to is being 16 and being able to drive away, or 18, and being able to move away. And then you can't even depend on happiness, because happiness doesn't happen to a person like me. I always lose it. Just like i lost Chris. I've never been happier than i was with him. And no matter what anyone says, i don't think they can love him as much as i did. And that sounds concieded, but i really don't care anymore. I can't live hiding my feelings. He was the only thing that i woke up for, and he was the only thing that made me forget about my homelife.
I miss going over his house, and feeling safe with him next to me, even if i did have to go back home after, it didn't matter, atleast for one time in a day, i felt safe in his arms. And i miss that security.
I'm gonna end this entry, so i don't ramble on more.
I need to hit something, i'm tired of being the one who's always hit.
<3