First Entry. vacating.
Well. hmmm :)) i get to write! yay! i have a paper journal and have since reading Diary of Anne Frank in like 6th grade. but now i'm an expert typer and near the end of the most beautiful lil book and havn't found one worthy to replace it I must find an alternative outlet for the things rummaging around in me brain. ive had an interesting day really. I'm on vacation from work. and really don't have anything "fun" do to and i AM supposed to be packing and cleaning cuz i'm moving out of here soon. (more on that some other time). so. well. i know right from wrong. and i had decided to do some wrong things. heh. and I did them. mainly yesterday and this morning/afternoon. ugh. so i've got some emotional residue and actually some ugly bruises too. go figure. but its true that what's in your heart comes out. and i hadn't been abiding in the word to say the least. of course at times i was, but. my weak moments have been bountiful of late. (the dead poetic new medicines video is playing now. lead singer is beautiful and i like the idea behind the video) but TIMES UP from my walk on the wild side and now i'm dedicating to fighting the fight. though i know giving in to sin is like just handing over ammunition to the enemy and knocking down any defences i have , right so then when i go back to the FIGHT duh. its like harder. we'll see. and the thing is i am AWARE that consequences and residue and nessecary and aware of how to fight the fight and it was totally an option to be victorious instead of rebellious but i chose to go against what i know to be right and to jump into the wide road. [ ah. the Eisly video. i've been wanting this. aaaaah aaaahahhahaaah. but i hate the way her knee is like cut up in that video.] anyway. its difficult to tie in all the head knowledge. like hey what this thing or these thoughts are , is SIN and sin is so dangerous and destructive and to give into it is to lose a battle and to hurt the Father who loves me intensely and DIED and SUFFERED FOR ME. its insane really. to endanger my spiritual intimacy, sacrifice my spiritual intimacy with the supreme being who is teh ONLY way to meet my needs and to act like i can get fulfilled some other way. like i DESERVE some "pleasure" that is empty anyways. hah. the scary thing is. i was very caculating, aware of the facts when i did wrong. terrible terrible. oh Father. "O God be merciful to me lift me from the dirt and cover me, cover me"- The Violet Burning. and though i'm not "indulging"/rebelling anymore. My repentence is not fully as sorrowful as it should be i think..... ugh. surely i should be heartbroken. weeping. it slowly sinks in.... so other than being "bad" today. i read a little bit about sin in "Lady in Waiting". good book and while i was doing that Shane imd me so i chatted with sweet brother for a while (we were sort of 'together"once and have had some rocky patches but are at a good friendly/platonic spot now that i really like) he's an online friend actually and we've never met in person. huh? its 9pm crazy. well it was the best conversation we had in a long while. then i made some tuna macaroni salad and lavendar cookies. While listening to some mambo and Django Reinhardt and Moon River by Johnny Mercer and a lil bit of Plankeye. then i decided i wanted to start an online journal RIGHT NOW. so thats that. the cookies turned out better the first time i made em. this is the 2nd time and they're a bit thick and dry. ooooh terrible! we've passed the longest day and now it will be less sunlight everday for so long. bummer. hey i have alot more to say. but this is too long already no?