Clumsy
I of course mean in the sense of Chris Rice's definition of subsequently getting foolish, stupid, and then feeling useless. I know I'm not useless, but it feels like it after I finally managed to screw up last night while talking to Nagar. Somewhere inside I knew there was the recognition that I needed to just shut up and quit talking about the one subject that was giving her trouble, but like an idiot I took after the article I had just read. It was a really good article that talked about our commission as Christians but from a very real and somewhat dark perspective of what happens when we aren't prepared and can't take our opportunities when they are presented to us. I let that information drown out my common sense judgment that was telling me that this wasn't an opportunity being presented, nor a test to see if I would be faithful enough to address the issue. I immediately apologized when I got the reaction that I had already been warning myself about but was too deaf and dumb to pay attention to. Let me tell you, the feeling that's bugging me right now sucks because by doing what I did, I yet again may have done something stupid enough to break someone's trust. I hate it even more because I know that I wasn't trying to, but my intentions are not the point - the result of what I've done is. So the best I know to do is to take the short conversation today, let things be unless she texts me or something, and give her space so she knows that I am sorry and not trying to be Captain Christian or something like that.
I'll get to a flip side in a moment, but now in the sense that I was just plain clumsy outside of the Chris Rice song, it appears that I might've accidentally conditioned my body in a moment of weakness, and that's why I couldn't get to sleep. I forget if I mentioned it or not, but there was one day last semester where I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was being a big baby about myself, but wasn't quite sure how to identify this or why it was I was feeling so dark and gloomy. So, I allowed myself to sort it out in my sleep that night, and during that time I grabbed the blanket that Fritz made for me, balled it up, and just held it next to me while I slept so I could just hug something. Little did I know that putting that plus having my dog sleeping next to me in my bed when I got home equaled conditioning myself to need something next to me when I sleep. I sort of stumbled on this when I decided that I'd do what I did to sort out the other issue last semester so my brain could work itself out. It did, and I had my answer that morning when I knew I had finally gotten some sleep and actually felt refreshed. On the plus side, this means that when I do get married to whomever, I'll be able to sleep really peacefully at night. The flip side is that every time my blanket has gotten away from me every night subsequent, I wake up; in essence there's no sliding out of bed to surprise me with anything in married life from what it seems. I guess it could be worse, but for now I'll just have to accept this and accept the loneliness I feel every morning now even though I know I'm not alone, either in my room with God, or with the company of friends, and from here on out just use it for what it's worth so I can keep focused on the goal ahead of me until the day comes that I do meet someone willing to take a chance on me and be patient and everything else I outlined previously.
With that off my mind and chest, the brighter side of things. By that, I mean some good funny lines to end this entry and leaving y'all smiling.
*At Wal-Mart looking at the folding toothbrush for traveling with other friends*
Me: "It's like a pocket knife for pacifists."
I used to think the chicken was good for meat, then I took an arrow to the knee, a few knives to the back, some keys in my pockets, loot from the houses the keys went to, and some handcuffs to the wrists...at and after the very first town no less.
*at the Trans-Siberian Orchestra*
Mom: "I wish they would do some more classical music."
Me: "Yeah. I can totally see them doing a rendition of 'Linus and Lucy' and doing it well."
*10 minutes later, they play "Linus and Lucy" and transition into "Wish Liszt". For. The. Win!*
That awkward moment when:
- the squeaking on the older version of the rowing machine that sounds way too much like a chirping bird is instead a talking clock doing its best robin sounds at seven o'clock.
- asked about a cup sitting on the table, the cup in question that is said to not be your cup in terms of personal ownership is still your cup in the sense that you brought it down with the hot cider poured for you earlier that evening.
- in the dinner line what looked like a fried pickle cheesy bite was instead a friend jalapeno cheesy bite.
- the mobile phone's music player decides that hitting the next track button will bring you to the chorus of that one Rick Astley song.
- you realize that the tea leaves in tea kettle infuser/strainer can burn and set off fire alarms if one doesn't realize that the smaller kettles don't whistle to indicate it is done.
- you nearly set your own garbage can on fire because the match was still warm enough and you didn't realize this after blowing it out.
- you take the words, "Private," "Competing," and "Participating", abbreviate them by their first letter for accounting class, and then sheepishly grin when you realize what you did by accident.
- you realize that instead of snapping your keys to your belt loop, you missed...and the proof is behind your locked dorm room door.
Nagar: "I wonder where they get their chocolate from..."
Me: *thinking she's finished and referring to the people at table, points to the cappuccino machine with the hot chocolate dispenser*
I'll get to a flip side in a moment, but now in the sense that I was just plain clumsy outside of the Chris Rice song, it appears that I might've accidentally conditioned my body in a moment of weakness, and that's why I couldn't get to sleep. I forget if I mentioned it or not, but there was one day last semester where I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was being a big baby about myself, but wasn't quite sure how to identify this or why it was I was feeling so dark and gloomy. So, I allowed myself to sort it out in my sleep that night, and during that time I grabbed the blanket that Fritz made for me, balled it up, and just held it next to me while I slept so I could just hug something. Little did I know that putting that plus having my dog sleeping next to me in my bed when I got home equaled conditioning myself to need something next to me when I sleep. I sort of stumbled on this when I decided that I'd do what I did to sort out the other issue last semester so my brain could work itself out. It did, and I had my answer that morning when I knew I had finally gotten some sleep and actually felt refreshed. On the plus side, this means that when I do get married to whomever, I'll be able to sleep really peacefully at night. The flip side is that every time my blanket has gotten away from me every night subsequent, I wake up; in essence there's no sliding out of bed to surprise me with anything in married life from what it seems. I guess it could be worse, but for now I'll just have to accept this and accept the loneliness I feel every morning now even though I know I'm not alone, either in my room with God, or with the company of friends, and from here on out just use it for what it's worth so I can keep focused on the goal ahead of me until the day comes that I do meet someone willing to take a chance on me and be patient and everything else I outlined previously.
With that off my mind and chest, the brighter side of things. By that, I mean some good funny lines to end this entry and leaving y'all smiling.
*At Wal-Mart looking at the folding toothbrush for traveling with other friends*
Me: "It's like a pocket knife for pacifists."
I used to think the chicken was good for meat, then I took an arrow to the knee, a few knives to the back, some keys in my pockets, loot from the houses the keys went to, and some handcuffs to the wrists...at and after the very first town no less.
*at the Trans-Siberian Orchestra*
Mom: "I wish they would do some more classical music."
Me: "Yeah. I can totally see them doing a rendition of 'Linus and Lucy' and doing it well."
*10 minutes later, they play "Linus and Lucy" and transition into "Wish Liszt". For. The. Win!*
That awkward moment when:
- the squeaking on the older version of the rowing machine that sounds way too much like a chirping bird is instead a talking clock doing its best robin sounds at seven o'clock.
- asked about a cup sitting on the table, the cup in question that is said to not be your cup in terms of personal ownership is still your cup in the sense that you brought it down with the hot cider poured for you earlier that evening.
- in the dinner line what looked like a fried pickle cheesy bite was instead a friend jalapeno cheesy bite.
- the mobile phone's music player decides that hitting the next track button will bring you to the chorus of that one Rick Astley song.
- you realize that the tea leaves in tea kettle infuser/strainer can burn and set off fire alarms if one doesn't realize that the smaller kettles don't whistle to indicate it is done.
- you nearly set your own garbage can on fire because the match was still warm enough and you didn't realize this after blowing it out.
- you take the words, "Private," "Competing," and "Participating", abbreviate them by their first letter for accounting class, and then sheepishly grin when you realize what you did by accident.
- you realize that instead of snapping your keys to your belt loop, you missed...and the proof is behind your locked dorm room door.
Nagar: "I wonder where they get their chocolate from..."
Me: *thinking she's finished and referring to the people at table, points to the cappuccino machine with the hot chocolate dispenser*