clinging to threads of purpose
To grossly oversimplify, there are three aspects of my current life that have me really dissatisfied: no girlfriend/partner, so little money that my choices are constrained, and that fact that I do not live in a place that feels like Home. Put 'em all together, add in the fact that I'm 41 and feel as though I should have figured out at least some of this by now -- or at least, can't go on living this ephemerally much longer -- and you may begin to sense the depths of my frustration.
I want to live a meaningful life (I know...who doesn't?). I don't want to be ordinary. I want to do things that matter, and not waste precious time. And I do not want to sacrifice a comfortable, interesting life in order to live a life of purpose. The vast majority, I fear, fall into the trap of tunnel vision and endless distraction. Because, in part, we're all so busy, and tired, just scratching out a mere subsistence. And it's so easy to just tune out and float along with the current, concentrating on nothing aside from treading water.
But we need to LIVE. To rise above the base level of merely paying bills and numbing ourselves with entertainment. We must think and question and actually DO something about the things that really matter, to make the world a better place, as cliched as that sounds.
I don't want to lead a brain-dead life. But the mere desire is hardly enough. I've simplified my material existence about as far as I can...to the point that I can't travel as I would like, and even having children (were I lucky enough to find a partner) is a tenuous prospect, from a financial point of view. I have dreams, but life requires funding. And focus.
I want to feel less transitory, for want of a better term. It's not like I'm looking for some kind of master plan, but I don't think that spontaneous living should be confused with mindlessness. I want to feel at home in the world. I want a sense of community, I seek partners in purposefulness. I cannot stomach the idea of working some job just for the money. I have to be creative, and I long to live fully guided by intention and awareness.
But it's all a jumble, and every decision depends on half a dozen others. I don't know what to do. All I can think of is that writing things like this, as random and silly and shallow as they may seem, is like a lifeline, a desperate grab for clarity.
And I loathe this level of abstraction. Sure, it's fun to run at the mouth. But in the end, we have to act concretely.
How can I lead a conscious, extraordinary life? How do I go about making my life more closely resemble what I'd like it to be?
I want to live a meaningful life (I know...who doesn't?). I don't want to be ordinary. I want to do things that matter, and not waste precious time. And I do not want to sacrifice a comfortable, interesting life in order to live a life of purpose. The vast majority, I fear, fall into the trap of tunnel vision and endless distraction. Because, in part, we're all so busy, and tired, just scratching out a mere subsistence. And it's so easy to just tune out and float along with the current, concentrating on nothing aside from treading water.
But we need to LIVE. To rise above the base level of merely paying bills and numbing ourselves with entertainment. We must think and question and actually DO something about the things that really matter, to make the world a better place, as cliched as that sounds.
I don't want to lead a brain-dead life. But the mere desire is hardly enough. I've simplified my material existence about as far as I can...to the point that I can't travel as I would like, and even having children (were I lucky enough to find a partner) is a tenuous prospect, from a financial point of view. I have dreams, but life requires funding. And focus.
I want to feel less transitory, for want of a better term. It's not like I'm looking for some kind of master plan, but I don't think that spontaneous living should be confused with mindlessness. I want to feel at home in the world. I want a sense of community, I seek partners in purposefulness. I cannot stomach the idea of working some job just for the money. I have to be creative, and I long to live fully guided by intention and awareness.
But it's all a jumble, and every decision depends on half a dozen others. I don't know what to do. All I can think of is that writing things like this, as random and silly and shallow as they may seem, is like a lifeline, a desperate grab for clarity.
And I loathe this level of abstraction. Sure, it's fun to run at the mouth. But in the end, we have to act concretely.
How can I lead a conscious, extraordinary life? How do I go about making my life more closely resemble what I'd like it to be?