I'm not feeling remotely as despondent...
...as I was last night. That does not, however, mean the issues I brought up are any less urgent; in fact, stripping them of that layer of despondency actually stimulates me to do something about them.
I'd like to use this space in the coming days/weeks to explore what I find dissatisfying about my life at the moment. Hopefully, doing so will bring at least a glimmer of clarity on a topic with many closely entangled threads.
The big, obvious dissatisfactions are my current lack of money and relationships (I use the plural form to signify not only the absence of a romantic, intimate relationship, but also an insufficient number of nourishing friendships). The money issue is mostly due to my continued desire to work at a school that I love, but which still struggles to pay all its staff a living wage. I've told myself and colleagues that this is my last year working for $1,000/month, but even that hardly lifts the shroud of professional uncertainty that covers my near future.
There's a good chance I'll be offered a full-time position next year, which -- should our budget stay the same, which is hardly guaranteed -- would pay me a salary in the low 30s (with no benefits). But frankly, the school is surviving on a year-to-year basis at this point, so what if going full-time buys me just one more year? I don't want to find myself turning 47 (only 5+ years away) in my current position.
Speaking of which, my current lack of access to regular medical visits, therapy, etc. is becoming more untenable with each passing year. Even something as simple as having beverages at the apartment, and going out after choir -- I have to do without pretty much all creature comforts. I'm hardly a materialistic guy, but never having any frills is a bit demoralizing. Not to mention my dependence on my old, old car continuing to function. And the fact that, even if I find a partner, I'm hardly in shape to afford children at this point.
I know I can find another job that will pay the bills with little trouble: my two years at the university taught me that. Yet this remains by far the most meaningful and fulfilling job I've ever had. Anything else would likely be filler until I could find another professional situation that fits my passions, as well as my budget.
I could also move to a city with a thriving Sudbury school and hope to join its staff. But that depends, at least in large part, on the fate of my school here.
I should've been born in a century where my intellectual talents could have been supported by a rich patron. I feel as though I'd do very well, write lots of interesting things, and contribute to society just fine if I didn't have to have a damned day job.
That's plenty for now.
I'd like to use this space in the coming days/weeks to explore what I find dissatisfying about my life at the moment. Hopefully, doing so will bring at least a glimmer of clarity on a topic with many closely entangled threads.
The big, obvious dissatisfactions are my current lack of money and relationships (I use the plural form to signify not only the absence of a romantic, intimate relationship, but also an insufficient number of nourishing friendships). The money issue is mostly due to my continued desire to work at a school that I love, but which still struggles to pay all its staff a living wage. I've told myself and colleagues that this is my last year working for $1,000/month, but even that hardly lifts the shroud of professional uncertainty that covers my near future.
There's a good chance I'll be offered a full-time position next year, which -- should our budget stay the same, which is hardly guaranteed -- would pay me a salary in the low 30s (with no benefits). But frankly, the school is surviving on a year-to-year basis at this point, so what if going full-time buys me just one more year? I don't want to find myself turning 47 (only 5+ years away) in my current position.
Speaking of which, my current lack of access to regular medical visits, therapy, etc. is becoming more untenable with each passing year. Even something as simple as having beverages at the apartment, and going out after choir -- I have to do without pretty much all creature comforts. I'm hardly a materialistic guy, but never having any frills is a bit demoralizing. Not to mention my dependence on my old, old car continuing to function. And the fact that, even if I find a partner, I'm hardly in shape to afford children at this point.
I know I can find another job that will pay the bills with little trouble: my two years at the university taught me that. Yet this remains by far the most meaningful and fulfilling job I've ever had. Anything else would likely be filler until I could find another professional situation that fits my passions, as well as my budget.
I could also move to a city with a thriving Sudbury school and hope to join its staff. But that depends, at least in large part, on the fate of my school here.
I should've been born in a century where my intellectual talents could have been supported by a rich patron. I feel as though I'd do very well, write lots of interesting things, and contribute to society just fine if I didn't have to have a damned day job.
That's plenty for now.