fuck..fuck..fuck....fuck............fuck......
I’m sorry for the mother rants, but this is going to help me survive the night without going to jail.
This past week I have been trying to see the best in things, I’ve been trying to be happy with anything and everything, I’ve tried to have faith in humanity, even after today seeing Chinese women curb stomping kittens and puppies and video taping it for sport. I have tried to not get pissed off at even the most dimwitted of people and I was doing fucking good this week trying to be me again until I fucking come home from class after my whole group dumping a whole GROUP project on me to find that my mother has opened up my fucking mail as per usual.. fucking school mail that is not for her eyes, and now she knows that I’m on academic warning. She started screaming, began sweating like some strange turkey creature(she has a fat neck/chin ) got all red telling me I don’t tell her things because everything I do is stupid (well fucking duh I don’t tell you things..) and that I need to seek help.. well yes, I do think I need to seek help. I am treated like some kind of caged animal and it’s beginning to change my whole persona and it’s beginning to affect me big time. I could of probably got myself out of acadmic warning in school if she didn’t know. But now that she knows all hell has broken lose. She already told me last week that I’m going to fail the course I just started. I have no privacy, no freedom, she goes through my room on a daily basis…even in my bathroom to make sure I’m not using a toothpaste or product she doesn’t agree on. My stomach feels knotted and I feel just plain sick to my stomach knowing that I can never get myself out of a bad feeling, I can never help myself because she’ll always be over my should tormenting me when I think I’m finally going to be okay. It’s pretty bad that you have to hide things such as having an ebay account. She has an ebay account, but of course she wouldn’t want me to have one. She doesn’t like me being able to pick out my own clothing and what not, it’s sick. And if she knew I had ebay she would always be trying to hack it and always be trying to find out my user name so she could monitor what I buy. Hell I’m 20 in exactly 7 days and my friends and I are going to the bar.. it’s pretty bad when you and your friends just expect that your mom is going to come barging in screaming in front of everyone. I don’t talk to my friends about this because well, I’m the listener not the conversationalist to them and quite frankly I know they wouldn’t care to listen to one of my problems, so this is why it helps me to write this here..don’t think that I’m one of those people who constantly bitch and cry about how much their life sucks, I don’t do that to my friends so I’ll keep it here. Fuck writing shit out really makes a difference. 10 minutes ago I felt like smashing in faces.