(no subject)
its one thing when some random people give you the impression that they think you are a terrible kid, which doenst feel good, but it is another when your OWN parents do it. always watching you, thinking you are doing things your not. i dont steal, i dont cheat, i dont swear, i dont smoke, drink or do drugs. so i dont enjoy the people at church, so they dont make me feel welcome. is that my fault that they make me feel hated? maybe to an extent. i cant help how i feel. what else do they want for me? they only see me at home. and when i tell them that i am a good kid, they dont believe me?! thats not right. ok, so i drink caffeinated beverages sometimes. not so often. chai once a month, not even that. and soda, not as much as before. i dont wear skirts that show all my leg, i dont wear shirts that are "reviling" if i wear a tank top i usually have a coat. so what am i doing that makes me a terrible person? a terrible daughter? you know its a real stab in the back and slap in the face for them to say that. for them to give me that impression. for them to think i am out doing all those things behind their back. gee thanks. great trust. and they blame me for us not having trust. excuse me ... im not the one who doesnt trust. WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT ME TO DO?! so im not the perfect daughter you dreamed of, not even close. im sorry if staying up till 5 in the morning makes me not trust worthy. im sorry that WHEN I TELL YOU THE TRUTH you dont believe me. would you rather i be someone im not, and pretend to be someone else so you can be happy? because that wouldnt be right. that would be taking who i am away, and NO ONE can to that from anyone. i'll be the people in China. You be the communist government. and as the people in China, i'll hide who i am. and you wont know me. but thats not my fault, i would be just following orders. You be communist and i will be your China. scared to be who i am.
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.
* a little exaggerated, but you get the point *