(no subject)

[missmaudlin]

So it's been awhile since I posted and many things have happened during that long pause. A few weeks ago Mike moved out. So now I have a new roommate who I hardly know but seems nice enough. Work is exhausting on every level. I am worn out physically and emotionally. Its hard to explain to people what my experiences are like. The patients I take care of every day live in a different world. Same city, different Chicago. The poverty and violence... it's hard to explain without making it sound like a charity case. People are not helpless but they are marginalized. They are surviving however they can and sometimes that involves being very demanding and abusive toward me. Maybe it's the only way they know how to meet their needs, maybe I represent the oppressive hierarchy, maybe no one has ever been good to them. I don't know. It's hard to not turn into an asshole at my job. My friend Christine Geovanis warned me not to develop the mentality of police.. blaming people for their situation, behaving in a cruel manner, etc. I don't think that is going to happen but I do feel that I'm changing. Friends of mine have pointed it out. I'm more quiet and reclusive than I used to be. It's hard to talk to people about all of the things going through my mind lately. I don't want to overly burden people or make them feel that all hope is lost but I do feel it's important to share what I'm learning. Most of the people I know will never, ever interface with the population of people I work with and will never know their reality exists. The problem is that ignorance fuels the machine that keeps people in these dire straights. What I need to do is come up with some alternative or give the people I tell these things to an option to help or something. Otherwise it just seems hopeless. I guess I could remind people that listening is the first step.
Thanks for listening.

-vanessa