i swear we'll end this war, 'cause we both know it wasn't worth fighting for
I cannot figure out, for the life of me, how I've reached the age of 28 and am STILL finding myself putting more work into friendships than I get in return. And why I cannot not seem to recognize these situations and get out of them before they escalate into one big fuckfest of a catastrophe. I think it's a point in my favor, however, that I don't freak out about these situations anymore. I possess the ability to, to some degree, look at the situation objectively and recognize that agonizing and crying over it isn't helpful - tears aren't gonna get me anywhere but hunched over a toilet with migraine pain. More than that, I can recognize that some things just aren't worth my time or worry.
At first, it's the end of the world. It always is. I'm emotional and when I'm emotional, I'm irrational. That's something that I have to work VERY hard to control and I have by no means perfected it - actually, there's something in the current situation I have some degree of regret in, but I really think the current situation is beyond salvaging in any case. But the point is I'm not sick, anymore. My stomach isn't churning, I am not wringing my hands in nervous anxiety and this isn't the end of my world. I've accepted it because I realize that the friendship I am in the process of losing has been different for quite sometime now. The transition from friends to mere acquaintances a slow, but steady one. I wish to God that weren't the case, it is hands down one of the best friendships I've ever had in my life, but this person hasn't really cared about me in quite some time. Not in the way that they used to and I still do.
We were twins, of a sort, almost. That hasn't been true for a year or so now, and that's probably where I have some issue letting go. Seeing someone you loved and adored change into this bitter, jaded and cynical person hurts more than I could ever possibly express in words. It was a slow progression, but every step of his journey through it was one that deeply saddened me. But maybe knowing that the person I so explicitly admired and enjoyed no longer exists is part of what makes the process of letting go ... not easy, but bearable. I can live with this. It will not break me. I will always look back on it and feel sadness but what, really, is the use in mourning something that has disappeared completely. Hell, maybe I even idealized it and it was never really what I imagined it to begin with? I have this issue with putting people on pedestals ...
I have a strong suspicion exactly where/what the catalyst for the destruction of the friendship was, what caused such a blatant change in a once beautiful person - but that's for another post. Another much more angry, angsty post.
The jist of all of this is that I think it's time I start this puppy back up. I'm filled with shit I need to get out. Things I'd love to remember. And a peaceful kind of clarity about somethings in my life I'd been ignoring so that I could live blissfully. Funny, though, how much more peaceful it is to acknowledge those things worthy of willful ignorance and put them behind me than to just simply pretend they don't exist. Finally becoming an adult late into my twenties? Better late than never, I suppose.
At first, it's the end of the world. It always is. I'm emotional and when I'm emotional, I'm irrational. That's something that I have to work VERY hard to control and I have by no means perfected it - actually, there's something in the current situation I have some degree of regret in, but I really think the current situation is beyond salvaging in any case. But the point is I'm not sick, anymore. My stomach isn't churning, I am not wringing my hands in nervous anxiety and this isn't the end of my world. I've accepted it because I realize that the friendship I am in the process of losing has been different for quite sometime now. The transition from friends to mere acquaintances a slow, but steady one. I wish to God that weren't the case, it is hands down one of the best friendships I've ever had in my life, but this person hasn't really cared about me in quite some time. Not in the way that they used to and I still do.
We were twins, of a sort, almost. That hasn't been true for a year or so now, and that's probably where I have some issue letting go. Seeing someone you loved and adored change into this bitter, jaded and cynical person hurts more than I could ever possibly express in words. It was a slow progression, but every step of his journey through it was one that deeply saddened me. But maybe knowing that the person I so explicitly admired and enjoyed no longer exists is part of what makes the process of letting go ... not easy, but bearable. I can live with this. It will not break me. I will always look back on it and feel sadness but what, really, is the use in mourning something that has disappeared completely. Hell, maybe I even idealized it and it was never really what I imagined it to begin with? I have this issue with putting people on pedestals ...
I have a strong suspicion exactly where/what the catalyst for the destruction of the friendship was, what caused such a blatant change in a once beautiful person - but that's for another post. Another much more angry, angsty post.
The jist of all of this is that I think it's time I start this puppy back up. I'm filled with shit I need to get out. Things I'd love to remember. And a peaceful kind of clarity about somethings in my life I'd been ignoring so that I could live blissfully. Funny, though, how much more peaceful it is to acknowledge those things worthy of willful ignorance and put them behind me than to just simply pretend they don't exist. Finally becoming an adult late into my twenties? Better late than never, I suppose.