I miss you, I miss me. Mostly, I miss you.
I'm not sure I entirely like the person I've begun to portray in this journal. I don't really know when it happened but, at some point, I stopped being open and honest and personal and shot more for general and superficial. My entries are filled with meanderings about television shows and celebrity crushes whereas before they were about things that actually mattered to me and in my life. Is it strange that my journal had more meaning when I was younger? That my writing had more meaning? I'm pretty sure I should be past my superficial phase.
What brought me to this was re-reading old emails from Josh. I was reading them with a smile on my face from the wonderful things he had said, then smiling from things certain other people had written about me and how my writing had a "pull" over them ... then I had the depressing thought that Josh and the other people (who I probably shouldn't name) who said such things would probably find me vapid and boring if they had ran into me at this point in my life. I hate that. And part of me thinks that may be why we don't talk anymore or why I've sort of lost touch with the others. It might be selfish, but I miss being important to them and being a person who actually, at one point, left a mark on them.
And truthfully, I don't know if I even remember how to be that honest on here, anymore.
What I do know is that they were wonderful people, people I adored talking to if only through the internet, and people whose present absence in my life fills me with regret and sadness. Believe me, I would change it if I could.
What brought me to this was re-reading old emails from Josh. I was reading them with a smile on my face from the wonderful things he had said, then smiling from things certain other people had written about me and how my writing had a "pull" over them ... then I had the depressing thought that Josh and the other people (who I probably shouldn't name) who said such things would probably find me vapid and boring if they had ran into me at this point in my life. I hate that. And part of me thinks that may be why we don't talk anymore or why I've sort of lost touch with the others. It might be selfish, but I miss being important to them and being a person who actually, at one point, left a mark on them.
And truthfully, I don't know if I even remember how to be that honest on here, anymore.
What I do know is that they were wonderful people, people I adored talking to if only through the internet, and people whose present absence in my life fills me with regret and sadness. Believe me, I would change it if I could.