"'Are we human? Or are we dancer?..."
I've been feeling lonely, lately. That's not good. It's not the kind of lonely that a roll in the sack can cure, it's the kind that makes you wish someone would hold you while you sleep. I mean, a roll in the sack before sleep would be preferable, but mostly I just want a companion. A lover I do have to love. But that's as good as poison, isn't it? The more I've been thinking about it, lately, I'm addicted to love. I might as well face it, I suppose.
When I was in a committed relationship I would literally drop anything I was doing if my partner needed something. They were all I would think about. It would drive me crazy. In all of the relationships I've been in I would get unhealthily attached and end up miserable. I was miserable during, actually, throughout many of them. Now here I am, single for two and a half years and for the most part happy and enjoying myself and yet still I go to bed every night (or most nights, at any rate) wishing someone was lying down next to me. I wouldn't be so afraid, I suppose, if I had a guarantee that the next guy wouldn't hurt me. But guys don't come with those.
Simon and Travis broke up. I blew off other plans tonight to be there for him. I think I made the right choice. He seems to be doing better than I would be. I'm neither happy or sad that this happened. All I want is for Simon to be happy, and I think he'll be happier in the end for this but it breaks my heart to see him sad right now. Simon is unequivocally my favorite person in life. The other half of my soul. We might move to Boston together next year. Maybe maybe maybe... I think I'd be ecstatic if it actually happens.
I love Megan. Am I still conflicted? Yes. I don't care. Looking back I wish I had known better what was in front of me. My heart is cracking. She's so happy and thus I'm so happy for her... even if this wasn't what I thought our lives would be like now. I'm not good at change. I'm trying to be for her.
These are most of my recent thoughts. There are more. I don't actually write out even a fifth of what gets written in my head each day.
It's way past my bedtime.
When I was in a committed relationship I would literally drop anything I was doing if my partner needed something. They were all I would think about. It would drive me crazy. In all of the relationships I've been in I would get unhealthily attached and end up miserable. I was miserable during, actually, throughout many of them. Now here I am, single for two and a half years and for the most part happy and enjoying myself and yet still I go to bed every night (or most nights, at any rate) wishing someone was lying down next to me. I wouldn't be so afraid, I suppose, if I had a guarantee that the next guy wouldn't hurt me. But guys don't come with those.
Simon and Travis broke up. I blew off other plans tonight to be there for him. I think I made the right choice. He seems to be doing better than I would be. I'm neither happy or sad that this happened. All I want is for Simon to be happy, and I think he'll be happier in the end for this but it breaks my heart to see him sad right now. Simon is unequivocally my favorite person in life. The other half of my soul. We might move to Boston together next year. Maybe maybe maybe... I think I'd be ecstatic if it actually happens.
I love Megan. Am I still conflicted? Yes. I don't care. Looking back I wish I had known better what was in front of me. My heart is cracking. She's so happy and thus I'm so happy for her... even if this wasn't what I thought our lives would be like now. I'm not good at change. I'm trying to be for her.
These are most of my recent thoughts. There are more. I don't actually write out even a fifth of what gets written in my head each day.
It's way past my bedtime.