don't even know where to start
So, this week has begun well, but by Wednesday shit hit the fan, and i am not talking about a little bit, i am talking like dumptruck load of shit hitting the fan.
I will start with Wednesday when everything began. I was sitting in my room, waiting for emmi to come back or something, and a friend of mine walks in. I knew she has been talking to a girl that has slept with the same guy i have, so i wanted to know what was up. Yes i was curious. So she comes in and tells me what is going on. And all of a sudden she blurts out that she isn't a virgin no more. I knew for a fact that she was before she started having out with this guy (same one me and the other slept with). She tells me how it happens and the first thing that i said was "You got raped". We then told our RA, who told the RD, who filed a report. Things were not good at all that day.
I finally got like an hour of sleep that night, and my doctor called me thursday morning. I have called him because my stomach pains seem to have gotten worse then better, so i asked him to take another look at the x-rays and tests that we did over the summer. He called and said that he looked more careful and he did find some bigger black spots on my intestine. Why he hasn't caught that the first time around, i dont know, but he wants me to come in over break and he'll go in and look and take a biopsy. He said i should be prepared for everything, especially with all the cancer in my family. So that is scaring me. I was very agressive that day, and i let it out on people that care for me.
Friday rolls around, and my mother calls me in the morning, telling me, which took her a while to get out, that some of her new testresults came back and they found more cancer cells in her lymph nods. Not good. She said that this time she will not get chemo or radiation, because she doesnt want to go the medical way. which for me is basically like signing her own death certificate.
And then friday night rolls around, and a friend of mine is feeling very shitty and i actually picked up some of his emotions of his email and it's not feeling too good. Saturday he then tells me that he doesn't want to go out on a date no more, because all he has to offer right now is frienship and thats not much at the moment. He is having a hard time with how his friends are treating him and he's having somewhat of a breakdown over it. and that was kind of the last drop for me.
I started crying for the first time since everything happened, changed my aim and facebook status to "Im going for a walk by the lake and hope i slip and die" and took a walk. I called emmi a little while after and told her it would be a few hours. I came back by 2.20am or so, i walk into the dorms and i hear voices, male voices, from my room. I walk in and there is my RD with two cops. They were worried about me because i have been gone so long that they called the cops. I am now on "House arrest" until tomorrow. I have to stop by my RD's office to say hi and i will be put on probation for suicide or something of that nature. The cops now have all my information. I would have called to let them know that i would be longer, but i didn't have no reception and then my phone died anyways.
So this whole week has been very, very shitty and yeah. I don't know if i can handle it. My mom's cancer coming back alone is going to make it hard for me, but then the big possibility of me having cancer scares me. I wouldn't kill myself, just for the fact that my mom needs me, and i do wanna life long enough to see her and spend time with her. I'm just scared. So i told the guy i liked that i don't think it would have been a good idea for us to go out anyways, because we both have too much shit going on. Which is somewhat true. I did find this icon and it totally says what i think at the moment. it said "I choose to be alone because thats how i will end up anyways." For the first time in a long time, i meet a guy who likes me, we have this great connection and then the universe just rips us apart. What did i ever do to the universe to get fucked over like this?
Didn't i go through enough the last two years? Why add more to it? So yeah, thats whats been going on. So excuse me if im a bitch or cry or whatnot, thats just my way of trying to handle it.
I will start with Wednesday when everything began. I was sitting in my room, waiting for emmi to come back or something, and a friend of mine walks in. I knew she has been talking to a girl that has slept with the same guy i have, so i wanted to know what was up. Yes i was curious. So she comes in and tells me what is going on. And all of a sudden she blurts out that she isn't a virgin no more. I knew for a fact that she was before she started having out with this guy (same one me and the other slept with). She tells me how it happens and the first thing that i said was "You got raped". We then told our RA, who told the RD, who filed a report. Things were not good at all that day.
I finally got like an hour of sleep that night, and my doctor called me thursday morning. I have called him because my stomach pains seem to have gotten worse then better, so i asked him to take another look at the x-rays and tests that we did over the summer. He called and said that he looked more careful and he did find some bigger black spots on my intestine. Why he hasn't caught that the first time around, i dont know, but he wants me to come in over break and he'll go in and look and take a biopsy. He said i should be prepared for everything, especially with all the cancer in my family. So that is scaring me. I was very agressive that day, and i let it out on people that care for me.
Friday rolls around, and my mother calls me in the morning, telling me, which took her a while to get out, that some of her new testresults came back and they found more cancer cells in her lymph nods. Not good. She said that this time she will not get chemo or radiation, because she doesnt want to go the medical way. which for me is basically like signing her own death certificate.
And then friday night rolls around, and a friend of mine is feeling very shitty and i actually picked up some of his emotions of his email and it's not feeling too good. Saturday he then tells me that he doesn't want to go out on a date no more, because all he has to offer right now is frienship and thats not much at the moment. He is having a hard time with how his friends are treating him and he's having somewhat of a breakdown over it. and that was kind of the last drop for me.
I started crying for the first time since everything happened, changed my aim and facebook status to "Im going for a walk by the lake and hope i slip and die" and took a walk. I called emmi a little while after and told her it would be a few hours. I came back by 2.20am or so, i walk into the dorms and i hear voices, male voices, from my room. I walk in and there is my RD with two cops. They were worried about me because i have been gone so long that they called the cops. I am now on "House arrest" until tomorrow. I have to stop by my RD's office to say hi and i will be put on probation for suicide or something of that nature. The cops now have all my information. I would have called to let them know that i would be longer, but i didn't have no reception and then my phone died anyways.
So this whole week has been very, very shitty and yeah. I don't know if i can handle it. My mom's cancer coming back alone is going to make it hard for me, but then the big possibility of me having cancer scares me. I wouldn't kill myself, just for the fact that my mom needs me, and i do wanna life long enough to see her and spend time with her. I'm just scared. So i told the guy i liked that i don't think it would have been a good idea for us to go out anyways, because we both have too much shit going on. Which is somewhat true. I did find this icon and it totally says what i think at the moment. it said "I choose to be alone because thats how i will end up anyways." For the first time in a long time, i meet a guy who likes me, we have this great connection and then the universe just rips us apart. What did i ever do to the universe to get fucked over like this?
Didn't i go through enough the last two years? Why add more to it? So yeah, thats whats been going on. So excuse me if im a bitch or cry or whatnot, thats just my way of trying to handle it.