put it out there one too many times
I am almost 25 years old, and never had a real loving relationship. And i don't mean friend relationships. I have enough of those, but they aren't enough. They used to be, but not anymore. I look around me, and everyone is either with someone, or getting married. I feel alone in this world sometimes.
I have put my heart out there again and again, hoping that one will pick it up and treasure it, but they all either a) walk right by it, not even noticing, b) trample all over it because they have found something better or think they will if they look hard enough or c) take it, pretend to treasure it and then just hand it back to me in a million pieces. And i am sick of it. You can only mend a broken heart so many times before it becomes useless. And i am at that point.
I always thought you had to put out there, take the risk of getting hurt so maybe you can find something, some tiny piece of love, but thats just bullshit. There isn't that fairy tale love, and it never will be. I have long accepted that there isn't anyone out there with whom i have enough in common with to actually make it work. I also have long accepted that i will be alone for the rest of my life. Not a nice thought, but why should i kid myself? I will only get hurt even more in the end.
I do want that fairy tale love, because i think i deserve it. But who's gonna give it to me? Everyone i meet and like, doesn't like me back. I have tried many different ways. Blind dates, talking to them a long time before i show them my picture, but it all ends the same. Mostly, as soon as they see what i look like they turn on their heel and run. The best part about all of this, they come up with some lame stupid ass excuse and they think that i can't see through it. WTF? Do you think im stupid? I might be ugly, but i am not stupid. I rather have you be honest, then lie to me. I can handle the truth, what i can handle is the lies. Why lie? They hurt even more then if you would have said the truth. And then to top it all of, they pretend to care about everything else in your life, but you aren't important enough to be let in. You have no idea how all of this can hurt.
I think people don't realize that i am very emotional. I have the habit of picking up the emotions from others, trying to make them feel better. It goes as far as receiving emotions with an e-mail, and let me tell you thats not a piece of cake. Sometimes i get so confused on to what are my emotions and what are the other persons. And it is slowly poisoning my body and killing me. I cannot do it no more, as much as i want to. I love you all dearly, but i will not suffer a slow, painful death.
I know i am ugly. I am fat. Thats the biggest thing. People don't even give me a chance because they see im fat. Oh you can all say it's not true and i am a beautiful girl, but that's not true. I do love you all, but I am sorry, somehow it doesn't really matter if you say it, because it doesn't have the same feeling as if someone i like says it.
I have had my heart broken too many times. I like who i am, i like my character, yes i don't like my body, and i can only do so much to change it, but i am not gonna change for someone who doesn't like me for me. And if that means i have to be alone for the rest of my life, then so be it.
You meet this amazing person, and you think you have this great connection, and you get the feeling they think so too, but then something happens that just throws the whole thing into a black hole and all they can give you is friendship. I am so sick and tired of always being in the friendship zone. And once i get put there, everything is different. They either a) talk differently to you like they are afraid, b) they talk little or not at all and c) they ignore you and pretend you don't exists. And i hate it.
I am a human with feelings just like everyone else. Don't i deserve some kind of respect? I think i do. Yet, everyone else doesn't. And people wonder why i am always so down... here is your reason. I just want to be treated with respect and i do want love.
Am i such a bad person that i cannot have it? Did i do something so bad in my past life that i am getting punished in this one? What did i ever do to you? All i am trying to do is be happy, but it's hard. I try, hard. I laugh a lot more then most people around me, i do everything for my friends, and yet the universe seems to have a problem with me.
I did meet this amazing guy, probably the most amazing guy out there. Funny thing is, he is just like everyone else. He complains about never finding a relationship that is worth having and people always leave him, and here is this girl, that likes him back. He askes her out, and before she can give him an answer, he calls it off, telling her the only thing he can offer is friendship. Why tell me all this stuff, like we have this great connection, and i never do anything like this and ask someone out and whine whine whine, but as soon as the person responds in a different way then you expected (by not turning you down and saying something along the lines of, "Oh i am not interested"), you freak and run, with your tail between your legs. Why? Are you afraid of getting hurt? Guess what, so is the other person, probably more then you are. You have to give them a chance to see if they can make you happy, and if you are lucky enough to find a person that will do anything in their power to make you happy, what's the problem?
Goddess, i should really take my own advice. I have done this over and over though, but the last rejection hurt too much. I have never felt exactly like that with anyone else. I am not talking about falling in love, or anything with love. I am talking about opening up to that person in such a short time, and letting them into my heart and my mind. Feeling like you've found that missing puzzle piece that you have been looking for for the longest time. Waking up with a smile, actually having something to look forward to in the day. Just to have everything ripped apart again. I feel like the snowman we build a couple of weeks ago, missing my important pieces. And the weirdest part about this, you knew that the other person felt like it too. So if both people feel like that why not give it a chance?
Omg, i hate this. I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling incomplete after sampling just how it feels like to be complete. i hate having people be cruel and close-minded. I hate you for making me feel this way. I hate you for giving me a sample, letting me smell it and then pulling it back away. Yet you go on, complaining. Why? You could have had what you're looking for, you just had to give it a chance, accept it from someone that doesn't look like a supermodle, but probably had more to offer then one. I guess its your own fault and your loss. I know i will get over it, move on, and repeat. Kind of like a cruel, vicious cicle that will never end. I'll just buy some more duct-tape and superglue to mend my heart, and make it look like one.
I just don't understand it, thats all. And everytime i ask for an explanation, i get ignored and pushed out of the way. You're always sorry for things you have no control over, well you can be sorry for this, and you should be too.
I just have one thing to say to you, well actually more then one, but bear with me. You need to stop your whining, get over it, it's your own fault you're alone. You don't want to be with anyone, you like the selfpitty too much.
I know i will be waking up with a smile again one morning and it will show me that i am over it, and years from now i will look back on this, probably still feel the same way, but i am going to ignore it, just like i always do and get on with my day.
This is all for today. I am going home in a few hours. Maybe being away from here for a while will help me clear my head. I am about to pass out anyways.
So to all, have a happy break, merry christmas, happy holidays, happy yule or whatever you celebrate and if i am lucky enough, i will see you in the new year, which i hope you start with a great big bang!
Love from me to you <3
I have put my heart out there again and again, hoping that one will pick it up and treasure it, but they all either a) walk right by it, not even noticing, b) trample all over it because they have found something better or think they will if they look hard enough or c) take it, pretend to treasure it and then just hand it back to me in a million pieces. And i am sick of it. You can only mend a broken heart so many times before it becomes useless. And i am at that point.
I always thought you had to put out there, take the risk of getting hurt so maybe you can find something, some tiny piece of love, but thats just bullshit. There isn't that fairy tale love, and it never will be. I have long accepted that there isn't anyone out there with whom i have enough in common with to actually make it work. I also have long accepted that i will be alone for the rest of my life. Not a nice thought, but why should i kid myself? I will only get hurt even more in the end.
I do want that fairy tale love, because i think i deserve it. But who's gonna give it to me? Everyone i meet and like, doesn't like me back. I have tried many different ways. Blind dates, talking to them a long time before i show them my picture, but it all ends the same. Mostly, as soon as they see what i look like they turn on their heel and run. The best part about all of this, they come up with some lame stupid ass excuse and they think that i can't see through it. WTF? Do you think im stupid? I might be ugly, but i am not stupid. I rather have you be honest, then lie to me. I can handle the truth, what i can handle is the lies. Why lie? They hurt even more then if you would have said the truth. And then to top it all of, they pretend to care about everything else in your life, but you aren't important enough to be let in. You have no idea how all of this can hurt.
I think people don't realize that i am very emotional. I have the habit of picking up the emotions from others, trying to make them feel better. It goes as far as receiving emotions with an e-mail, and let me tell you thats not a piece of cake. Sometimes i get so confused on to what are my emotions and what are the other persons. And it is slowly poisoning my body and killing me. I cannot do it no more, as much as i want to. I love you all dearly, but i will not suffer a slow, painful death.
I know i am ugly. I am fat. Thats the biggest thing. People don't even give me a chance because they see im fat. Oh you can all say it's not true and i am a beautiful girl, but that's not true. I do love you all, but I am sorry, somehow it doesn't really matter if you say it, because it doesn't have the same feeling as if someone i like says it.
I have had my heart broken too many times. I like who i am, i like my character, yes i don't like my body, and i can only do so much to change it, but i am not gonna change for someone who doesn't like me for me. And if that means i have to be alone for the rest of my life, then so be it.
You meet this amazing person, and you think you have this great connection, and you get the feeling they think so too, but then something happens that just throws the whole thing into a black hole and all they can give you is friendship. I am so sick and tired of always being in the friendship zone. And once i get put there, everything is different. They either a) talk differently to you like they are afraid, b) they talk little or not at all and c) they ignore you and pretend you don't exists. And i hate it.
I am a human with feelings just like everyone else. Don't i deserve some kind of respect? I think i do. Yet, everyone else doesn't. And people wonder why i am always so down... here is your reason. I just want to be treated with respect and i do want love.
Am i such a bad person that i cannot have it? Did i do something so bad in my past life that i am getting punished in this one? What did i ever do to you? All i am trying to do is be happy, but it's hard. I try, hard. I laugh a lot more then most people around me, i do everything for my friends, and yet the universe seems to have a problem with me.
I did meet this amazing guy, probably the most amazing guy out there. Funny thing is, he is just like everyone else. He complains about never finding a relationship that is worth having and people always leave him, and here is this girl, that likes him back. He askes her out, and before she can give him an answer, he calls it off, telling her the only thing he can offer is friendship. Why tell me all this stuff, like we have this great connection, and i never do anything like this and ask someone out and whine whine whine, but as soon as the person responds in a different way then you expected (by not turning you down and saying something along the lines of, "Oh i am not interested"), you freak and run, with your tail between your legs. Why? Are you afraid of getting hurt? Guess what, so is the other person, probably more then you are. You have to give them a chance to see if they can make you happy, and if you are lucky enough to find a person that will do anything in their power to make you happy, what's the problem?
Goddess, i should really take my own advice. I have done this over and over though, but the last rejection hurt too much. I have never felt exactly like that with anyone else. I am not talking about falling in love, or anything with love. I am talking about opening up to that person in such a short time, and letting them into my heart and my mind. Feeling like you've found that missing puzzle piece that you have been looking for for the longest time. Waking up with a smile, actually having something to look forward to in the day. Just to have everything ripped apart again. I feel like the snowman we build a couple of weeks ago, missing my important pieces. And the weirdest part about this, you knew that the other person felt like it too. So if both people feel like that why not give it a chance?
Omg, i hate this. I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling incomplete after sampling just how it feels like to be complete. i hate having people be cruel and close-minded. I hate you for making me feel this way. I hate you for giving me a sample, letting me smell it and then pulling it back away. Yet you go on, complaining. Why? You could have had what you're looking for, you just had to give it a chance, accept it from someone that doesn't look like a supermodle, but probably had more to offer then one. I guess its your own fault and your loss. I know i will get over it, move on, and repeat. Kind of like a cruel, vicious cicle that will never end. I'll just buy some more duct-tape and superglue to mend my heart, and make it look like one.
I just don't understand it, thats all. And everytime i ask for an explanation, i get ignored and pushed out of the way. You're always sorry for things you have no control over, well you can be sorry for this, and you should be too.
I just have one thing to say to you, well actually more then one, but bear with me. You need to stop your whining, get over it, it's your own fault you're alone. You don't want to be with anyone, you like the selfpitty too much.
I know i will be waking up with a smile again one morning and it will show me that i am over it, and years from now i will look back on this, probably still feel the same way, but i am going to ignore it, just like i always do and get on with my day.
This is all for today. I am going home in a few hours. Maybe being away from here for a while will help me clear my head. I am about to pass out anyways.
So to all, have a happy break, merry christmas, happy holidays, happy yule or whatever you celebrate and if i am lucky enough, i will see you in the new year, which i hope you start with a great big bang!
Love from me to you <3