thoughts dont stop
when is it finally enough to accept yourself,fully, to look in the mirror and not be sick of seing the same face every day. accept the fact that your there, and there is no changing that. acceptance. when your thoughts wont stop but you feel too tired to write them down, but feel the need to because it seems as if you are drowning in them. do you ever feel like the bottom of the bottle is not enough, it didnt work fast enough or the effects are not harsh enough, it does not stop the thoughts running through the back of your mind. when is it enough to just say that your happy that everything is fine. when will it ever be ok. love is a word that i havent come to understand also what is suicide. well not exactly what. we all know what it is, but will we ever really know why, since those strong enough to proceed in its doings arent here any longer to explain to use why, or what. the cause. if this doesnt make sense, im sorry. my mind has begun to drift in its own fucked direction.alcohol. speaking of the word. why is making love a way to relieve me from frustration( i dont even know if thats the half of it), no not making love, fucking. those who i have acted with i havent loved. its a thought that brings no answer. i keep falling for the people who fuck me over, and fucking over th ones who fall for me.it is rediculous. why? why cant anyone give me a reasonable asnwer to the way i feel at this very moment, which may as well be every day, since the thought never leaves my head. this hardly makes sense to me, maybe that is why it feels as if its crazy. i feel like in the past year i have lost so much. love, what i thought was love. why is it that i can go for weeks, months, a year... since it has been that long feeling ok, and in one slight instant im in shock and in pain, misunderstanding, no answer, it makes me sick. its usual. could she care this much. it really doesnt matter. i have turned to alcohol as a solution, and its as if it is one of those friends that you never trusted in the first place, but spend every day with making memories that will be torn from you. it hurts. this is just a sequence of what i may be thinking. but is it, or is it not? sitting at her funeral, i couldnt comprehend what it was all about. the questions go unanswered. and these dreams they horrify me. i miss you dad. its been a while since ive said it out loud.i had a dream you died the other night, woke up crying, but i couldnt call you, i knew you were on your flight to oklahoma. even now i have not. what happend. it seems like a tornado ripped through my life and my head is still spinning. i wish i never met you. its sad when the glasses have all been emptied a few times and each bottles been tipped upside down at least twice. it doesnt help. its just a hide out. josh, come home. moms crazy. but i love her just the same. i wish i could just hold him. life is so , i dont even have a word for it. i want to sleep right maybe a few times a wekk woulde be nice. why does it take so fucking much just to rest. but im glad your doing ok now. who listens anyways. no one will read this. it is for my own selfish pleasure that i get this shit off my mind. a song stuck in my head repeats, " all my excuses, stuck my tail between these legs of mine, all these sleepless nights" dont know exactly why. im giving up on hope. its as if my hope gave up on me.