Who I was...Who I became...Who I am...
This is for all of you that ask "What happened to you?" when you guya came home from school this year. I can finally look back on the blur and tell you. All inspired by a conversation I had with Little Miss Maggie P. tonight.
I look back at me through freshman year and how I changed. I don't like how I changed at all. I loved who I was and I wish I could jump right back into being that person all over again right now. But, it's so hard because I remember me I just don't remember how to be me. I remember confident, strong, happy, enthusiastic, ALWAYS SMILING me. Who I was like slowly dissapeared though. Beleive it or not who you are can change drastically in 5 months. I'm referring to the five months I spent in the worst relationship ever. When I was with him I became scared of everything. He always implied that he was better than me and I lost my pride I always had. I used to be so confident in who I was and did not give a rip about anything anyone had to say. Everything he said ate away at me though. I was always strong and would tell you exactly what I thought and how I felt. That dissapeared when everytime I would say what I thought or how I felt IT WAS WRONG! Everybody knew me as the always giddy always happy ready to go smiling one. That dissapeared. Everyone who met me would just begin to call me dimples, because you could always see them they WERE always there because I always WAS smiling. But, during our relationship I forgot how to be happy and how to care about me all I did was everything and anything for him. Like on my birthday when I drove all the way to E.L. to pick him up to bring him to my house b/c he was sick. I should have just left him there to be alone and sick and rot away. But, I guess that didn't matter because by that point I had lost every single friend I had because I always was with him and every free second felt I was obligated to be with him. I lost my best friend Katie P. and I had become really close with her roomate Katie (his friend) also and he made me HATE them by the things he would say. When I wanted to stay over there it was always "why would you want to be there on a futon when you could be here in bed with me" until I finally gave in. Or when K.P. and I started to fall apart and were going to chat and work things out he said a bunch of things which made me tell her to screw off and we STILL have not worked things out six months later.
I just want to be ME again.
So who I am now...I am becoming slowly a form of me again. But it isn't me because the old me would try anything. Now I am so afraid to do things because of what the result might be. The smiling...I have reason to be happy again and it is coming back. I love the feeling of smiling. I am still weird when I hang out with my guy friends alone, it's uncomfortable which is bad because before him I was ALWAYS with them and just me. One person who really helped me get back to me was Lindsey. She truly is the definition of a best friend. She was by my side thick and thin and i could talk to her about anything anytime. It sucked to go to parties though and just sit there because I forgot how to have FUN. I would literally just sit at the LAX guys house and watch everyone else have fun. It SUCKED. This summer though has truly helped me become me again. It is amazing the feeling of being free and not being near old memories I just love it!
One bad thing has happened this summer though...Chris and I, we are not friends anymore and it really sucks. Because he needs to write a who he was who he became article too. I used to be able to talk to him about anything and everything under the sun and vise versa and I truly considered him a dear friend, like a brother kind of. When he got home things turned sour, horribly sour. Like we hate eachother sour. It sucks because I don't know what he was going through when we fell apart because all I ever heard from him was that he was having a rough time. Then we just don't talk anymore. We have some of the same friends and I just don't go around them anymore because it sucks to see an old "best" and not want to even look at them. It hurts to lose a friend the way this happened(?).
Back on topic...
It took five months for someone to change me and it is taking over four months to even remotely get back to me...I don't have anything else to say about that. It has just been bottled up in me for a while and I had to get it out to all of you. I just want everyone else to understand what I am going through trying to get back to the way things used to be, because it is hard. Just work with me guys. Chris, you too. Sorry for anything I did that made our friendship turn to shit.
MORAL OF THE ENTRY...
Don't let people change you...I love every single one of my friends JUST AS YOU ARE.
37 days until move in...
I look back at me through freshman year and how I changed. I don't like how I changed at all. I loved who I was and I wish I could jump right back into being that person all over again right now. But, it's so hard because I remember me I just don't remember how to be me. I remember confident, strong, happy, enthusiastic, ALWAYS SMILING me. Who I was like slowly dissapeared though. Beleive it or not who you are can change drastically in 5 months. I'm referring to the five months I spent in the worst relationship ever. When I was with him I became scared of everything. He always implied that he was better than me and I lost my pride I always had. I used to be so confident in who I was and did not give a rip about anything anyone had to say. Everything he said ate away at me though. I was always strong and would tell you exactly what I thought and how I felt. That dissapeared when everytime I would say what I thought or how I felt IT WAS WRONG! Everybody knew me as the always giddy always happy ready to go smiling one. That dissapeared. Everyone who met me would just begin to call me dimples, because you could always see them they WERE always there because I always WAS smiling. But, during our relationship I forgot how to be happy and how to care about me all I did was everything and anything for him. Like on my birthday when I drove all the way to E.L. to pick him up to bring him to my house b/c he was sick. I should have just left him there to be alone and sick and rot away. But, I guess that didn't matter because by that point I had lost every single friend I had because I always was with him and every free second felt I was obligated to be with him. I lost my best friend Katie P. and I had become really close with her roomate Katie (his friend) also and he made me HATE them by the things he would say. When I wanted to stay over there it was always "why would you want to be there on a futon when you could be here in bed with me" until I finally gave in. Or when K.P. and I started to fall apart and were going to chat and work things out he said a bunch of things which made me tell her to screw off and we STILL have not worked things out six months later.
I just want to be ME again.
So who I am now...I am becoming slowly a form of me again. But it isn't me because the old me would try anything. Now I am so afraid to do things because of what the result might be. The smiling...I have reason to be happy again and it is coming back. I love the feeling of smiling. I am still weird when I hang out with my guy friends alone, it's uncomfortable which is bad because before him I was ALWAYS with them and just me. One person who really helped me get back to me was Lindsey. She truly is the definition of a best friend. She was by my side thick and thin and i could talk to her about anything anytime. It sucked to go to parties though and just sit there because I forgot how to have FUN. I would literally just sit at the LAX guys house and watch everyone else have fun. It SUCKED. This summer though has truly helped me become me again. It is amazing the feeling of being free and not being near old memories I just love it!
One bad thing has happened this summer though...Chris and I, we are not friends anymore and it really sucks. Because he needs to write a who he was who he became article too. I used to be able to talk to him about anything and everything under the sun and vise versa and I truly considered him a dear friend, like a brother kind of. When he got home things turned sour, horribly sour. Like we hate eachother sour. It sucks because I don't know what he was going through when we fell apart because all I ever heard from him was that he was having a rough time. Then we just don't talk anymore. We have some of the same friends and I just don't go around them anymore because it sucks to see an old "best" and not want to even look at them. It hurts to lose a friend the way this happened(?).
Back on topic...
It took five months for someone to change me and it is taking over four months to even remotely get back to me...I don't have anything else to say about that. It has just been bottled up in me for a while and I had to get it out to all of you. I just want everyone else to understand what I am going through trying to get back to the way things used to be, because it is hard. Just work with me guys. Chris, you too. Sorry for anything I did that made our friendship turn to shit.
MORAL OF THE ENTRY...
Don't let people change you...I love every single one of my friends JUST AS YOU ARE.
37 days until move in...