blah blah blah...
having a conversation with someone where you come clean about your faults, air out your dirty laundry, and admit you were wrong is really hard. i had butterflies in my stomach and that dull tingle in my arm when i started that convo with D.
i admitted that he came into my life at a shitty time, and despite his best efforts at being "there", i pushed him away so i wouldn't have to see him walk. i've got separation anxiety BAD. jason, lorina, nana, aunt elaine, podo, jim, aunt jeryl, ella... some of my favorite people have been there one day and gone the next. and, although i know it's something that can't be changed or prevented (in the case of 'going home to glory'), i get cold feet when it comes to opening up to new people.
predictably, he gave me the "you should have told me" line, but hindsight offers perspective. i know my mindset at the time was all screwed up, and even I wouldn't have wanted to be bothered with me. he likes me and can somewhat understand where i was coming from, but he's still hesitant. the best that i could hope for is understanding. if it goes beyond that, great. if not, at least he knows i'm not (just) a bitch.
i admitted that he came into my life at a shitty time, and despite his best efforts at being "there", i pushed him away so i wouldn't have to see him walk. i've got separation anxiety BAD. jason, lorina, nana, aunt elaine, podo, jim, aunt jeryl, ella... some of my favorite people have been there one day and gone the next. and, although i know it's something that can't be changed or prevented (in the case of 'going home to glory'), i get cold feet when it comes to opening up to new people.
predictably, he gave me the "you should have told me" line, but hindsight offers perspective. i know my mindset at the time was all screwed up, and even I wouldn't have wanted to be bothered with me. he likes me and can somewhat understand where i was coming from, but he's still hesitant. the best that i could hope for is understanding. if it goes beyond that, great. if not, at least he knows i'm not (just) a bitch.