Stuck like...
A stick in the mud. So upset. Don't even know whew to begin. Wish he'd get his head out of his ass and actually do something. Claims he's waiting with open arms for when I'm ready but yet nothing. Why? Because it doesn't fit into his nice little schedule. At this point I want to come home to find rose petals on the bed and candles in the bath room with a nice bubble bath ready for me or some other elastic gesture that says "hey sorry I've been an ass and been so wrapped up in me and angry that you weren't doing things that I haven't done myself and I am willing to do things that I want to do even though I'm sick but user it as an excuse to not have to do things with you or finish the project for you that I've been working on for 8 months". But at this point I know I won't get anything but an "I'm sorry" and its somehow my fault and I shouldn't be upset.
He had to get two shots but I'm the bitch who didn't ask if he was okay. Wait, that's right, he wouldn't answer his phone or respond when I tried to reach him. And somehow me having cramps, back pain and a migraine so bad I left work early and almost passed out driving home isn't any where near as bad as his shots and being sick. I'd feel bad but that is street ditching me to go to a martial arts class for 4 hours the day after going to the doctor's and getting those shots.
And what about the many times I've asked for a back massage or he's offered to massage my feet and I've never gotten it? A quick rub lasting no more than 60 seconds certainly doesn't count, especially since it's usually right before he turns me over to make out with me.
Or what about the fact that I've been dealing with someone I care about and who is important to my daughter being in the hospital and who's stage 4 cancer is spreading even more completely alone because he won't just ever say yes I'll go with you, or yes I'll take you. Or even saying let's go because I know how hard it's been on you and continues to be on you and I know you need a shoulder to cry on.
Or what about the fact that I'm slowly standing up to my boss and not letting him walk on me anymore. Like how I actually told them I couldn't work a certain day this week so I could work my second job instead. Or that my Monday started with some jack hole cussing me out for something I didn't do but wasn't even around for when someone else assisted him. Or that today, with my massive migraine, was left in charge but not in charge. Having to help out a new girl on one side of the store and help train the manager-in-training. Oh yes. Even love watching him throw money around while I scraped together coins and borrowed from my daughter's piggy bank to go to the hospital for my daughter's papa and then put enough gas in my car just to get to work.
What I need is a back massage and foot massage, and to actually have someone go with me to visit Shayla's papa. Someone to help me finish the holes in the walls so I can finish painting. Someone to hold my hand while walking through the store with me. And someone to help me haul supplies home and haul off crap that family keeps dumping at my house. And most of all what I need is someone to cuddle with me at night.
Just frustrated and hurt and upset and that's only the half of it. Trying so hard not to break down right now but sure as hell feel like its coming.