Making Up For Lost Time
You know...I'm coming to the distinct conclusion that I did so many damn drugs in High School because I am a complete and total type A, hyper-sensitive, control freak. It sounds counter intuitive, but I came from a very, very chaotic, unstable, and insane environment. The only way I could process that, and live through it, was to create my own order of chaos, unstable, and insane. This was mostly done with drugs, bad decisons, and lots of self loathing. I am really, really good at self loathing. Potentially olympic caliber.
Any-hoo, these days I am trying to deal with my Type A, hyper Virgo, obessiveness the most holistic way I know how...by accepting it and working on behavior modification. The later part is really difficult..the former is too, for that matter. I am having a difficult time sleeping, because I can't seem to get my brain to shut off. I am working full time, taking Anatomy and Physiology, and Chem 2, training for a half-marathon in November, fund raising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and planning a wedding. All of which, I feel like, need to be "perfect." Am I studying enough? Was I nice enough to my co-worker? Did I say something potetially insulting to my friend during dinner? Am I training hard enough? Can I lose more weight? Do my blow jobs rock? Will my $99 wedding gown be pretty? Will I ace the GRE? So forth and so on. I bore myself even writing it all down.
First and foremost, when I get down to the bottom of it all...is the same underlying questions: "Am I good enough?"
It sounds juvenile and pathetic...and I wonder why a woman turning 33 next week still feels like she has to measure up and be good enough. And, why I am so consumed with the fear of failure?
maybe it's my birthday coming up. maybe its a wake-up call to get my life headed in a cogent direction. maybe its biology, psychology, and the alignment of the stars.
I do know one thing for certain though, it is exhausting.
Any-hoo, these days I am trying to deal with my Type A, hyper Virgo, obessiveness the most holistic way I know how...by accepting it and working on behavior modification. The later part is really difficult..the former is too, for that matter. I am having a difficult time sleeping, because I can't seem to get my brain to shut off. I am working full time, taking Anatomy and Physiology, and Chem 2, training for a half-marathon in November, fund raising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, and planning a wedding. All of which, I feel like, need to be "perfect." Am I studying enough? Was I nice enough to my co-worker? Did I say something potetially insulting to my friend during dinner? Am I training hard enough? Can I lose more weight? Do my blow jobs rock? Will my $99 wedding gown be pretty? Will I ace the GRE? So forth and so on. I bore myself even writing it all down.
First and foremost, when I get down to the bottom of it all...is the same underlying questions: "Am I good enough?"
It sounds juvenile and pathetic...and I wonder why a woman turning 33 next week still feels like she has to measure up and be good enough. And, why I am so consumed with the fear of failure?
maybe it's my birthday coming up. maybe its a wake-up call to get my life headed in a cogent direction. maybe its biology, psychology, and the alignment of the stars.
I do know one thing for certain though, it is exhausting.