Darkest before the dawn
Title Darkest before the dawn
Author Rory
'Verse CSI:NY
Claim/Characters/Pairing (whatever applies) CSI:NY general
Rating R
Warnings (inc. Spoilers) spoilers for season 2
Disclaimer I don't own them
Summary Stella helps Don through a difficult time
Table/Prompt size matters/epic
“Hey stranger,” Jess said, smiling warmly when she opened the door and ushered Don into the apartment.
“Hi,” he said, hugging her gently. “How are you?”
“Good,” she said.
“Where’s the baby?” he asked.
“Adam’s trying to get her to sleep,” she said, nodding towards the bedrooms. “We’re not getting a lot of sleep around here,” she admitted. “But she’s so perfect, Don. I can’t believe she’s really mine.”
“I guess that means I can’t convince you to come back from your maternity leave early then, huh?” Don asked as he settled on the chair across from her.
“Why?” she asked, her brow creasing in concern.
They both looked up when Adam padded down the hallway.
“Hey Don,” he said tiredly, stifling a yawn as he settled next to Jess on the couch and let his head rest on her shoulder.
“I should go,” Don murmured. “Let you guys get some rest.”
Adam shook his head. “No, stay.”
“Tell me what’s going on at work,” Jess added.
“Nothing,” Don said. “Just the new guy they gave me to partner with until you get back.”
“What’s he like?” Jess pressed.
Don shrugged. “He’s inept.”
Jess laughed. “Well, you couldn’t expect them to find you another me.”
“I’d settle for somebody that could do their damn job,” Don muttered.
“I’m sure he’s not that bad,” Jess said. “Give him a chance. It’s only a couple of months.”
“You only say that because you haven’t met him. He’s a rookie, brand new, overeager to run into anything. Never thinks about what he’s doing.”
“I think we’ve all been there,” Jess said.
“This guy is different,” Don insisted.
“Only cause you’re stuck with him,” Jess countered. “It’s not forever. I’m coming back.”
“It feels like forever,” Don sighed. “I should really go.”
“Stay,” Jess said firmly. “Spend some time with your goddaughter.”
Hannah’s soft cries filled the room through the baby monitor sitting on the coffee table.
“I got her,” Adam murmured, standing up.
“I really need to go,” Don said after he left the room, standing up and moving towards the door. “I gotta get to work early and keep the new guy from accidentally shooting himself.”
Jess followed him to the door. “I’ll be back at work soon,” she reminded him.
“Yeah, what am I gonna do until then?”
“You’ll barely even have time to miss me,” she said.
“That’s not true,” he sighed. He leaned into kiss her on the cheek. “Congratulations again, to you and Adam. Take care of yourself.”
She nodded. “You too.”
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“Detective Bonasera.”
Stella tried to hide her smile as the young officer’s eagerness as he stood to greet her. “I told you to call me Stella, Officer Baker,” she murmured.
“Yes ma’am,” he said. “And you can call me Jimmy.”
Stella smiled warmly at him. “Good morning Jimmy. Is Don around?”
“Hey Stell,” Don said, walking up behind them.
“Hi,” she said, turning around to face him and holding up the cup of coffee she was carrying. “Thought maybe you could use a treat.”
“Thanks,” he said, taking the cup out of her hands. “Want to take a walk?”
“Sure,” she said, waving at Jimmy as Flack ushered her to the elevator.
“I needed a break,” he admitted after the doors closed behind them.
“He’s harmless.”
“Would you want him watching your back?” Don countered.
“I wasn’t that different from him when I started,” Stella said as the doors opened and they stepped out of the elevator.
“I doubt it.”
She smiled at him. “Everyone has to start somewhere.”
“Yeah, well, I wish he was starting somewhere else.”
“That’s just mean,” Stella scolded. “He’s new, he needs to learn, he needs you to teach him.”
“I didn’t sign up to be the kid’s baby-sitter.” Don sighed. “But you’re right, it was mean.”
“If you keep this attitude up I’m not bringing you any more coffee.”
Don shook his head. “I promise I’ll try to be good.”
Stella smiled at him. “That’s better.”
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Don glanced up when he saw Jimmy hang up the phone and stand suddenly.
“I have to go,” the younger man said quietly.
“Is everything alright?” Don asked, studying his partner’s face.
“That was my mother. I have to go to the hospital, my brother, he was in some kind of an accident.”
Don frowned. “Is he okay?’
“I hope so.”
Don stood, grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair. “I’ll drive you.”
Jimmy shook his head. “You don’t have to do that.”
“We’re partners,” Don murmured.
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“What’s your brother like?” Don asked as he sat next to Jimmy in the hospital’s waiting room.
“His name’s Michael. We call him Mikey. He hates it.”
Don chuckled softly.
“He’s going to the academy too,” Jimmy continued.
“Yeah?” Don asked. “What made you both want to be cops?”
Jimmy shrugged. “You know how every kid wants to be a cop? It was sort of like we never grew out of that stage. What about you?”
“My dad was a cop,” Don answered quietly.
“You have a sister, right?”
Don nodded. “Her name’s Sam.”
“Older or younger?”
“She’s younger,” Don answered.
“You two close?”
“Yeah,” Don said slowly. “Yeah we are. She’s been through some tough things, but she’s handling them. She’s strong.”
“She’s lucky to have you.”
Don stared at his shoes. “I don’t know if that’s true.”
Jimmy was silent for a long moment, staring at the clock on the wall. “I just want to say I appreciate everything you’re doing for me, showing me the ropes.”
Jimmy stood up while Don was trying to formulate a response and crossed the room to talk to a middle aged woman standing in the doorway.
“Mikey’s awake,” she said. “He wants to see you.”
“Go,” Don said when Jimmy turned back to him. “I gotta get back to the station anyway. I hope your brother’s fine.”
Jimmy nodded, raising his hand to wave as Don moved the entrance.
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“Ready to admit you’re wrong?” Stella asked when Don settled into the seat across from her desk.
He sighed, staring out the window. “Jimmy’s not a bad guy,” he admitted. “But he’s still a bad cop.”
“He’s not a bad cop,” Stella argued. “He’s an inexperienced cop. He could turn into a great cop.”
“Could,” Don emphasized. “His metamorphosis is a little slow for my taste.”
“I don’t get it,” Stella said, leaning back in her chair. “What is your problem with this guy?”
Don rubbed his temples, hesitating before answering. “I’m responsible for him. This kid, he can’t take care of himself, he’s hopeless and I have to take care of him, and it pisses me off. I didn’t sign up to be this kid’s baby sitter and I can’t do my job if I’m constantly doing his too.”
“You’re worried,” she said softly.
He shook his head.
“No,” she protested, “hear me out, Don. You’re used to Jess, she can hold her own, she doesn’t depend on you. You know, no matter what situation you get into, no matter what you’re facing, she can take care of herself. She can do her job as well as you can do yours. This kid, he’s not like that. You’re not angry at him, Don, you’re worried about him.”
“Maybe you’re right,” Don said slowly. “I still don’t like him though. I don’t want to be partnered with him.”
Stella laughed softly. “You will survive.”
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It was routine, following up on a lead from some trace Lindsay had found. Jimmy had even almost done a good job with it. They were headed back to the car when they heard the crash in the alleyway. It was all a blur after that, chasing after Jimmy into the alley, shots flying past them as soon as they turned the corner. Don felt a burning pain and then everything went black.
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When Don woke up he could barely swallow. He tried and failed to open his eyes, move his hands, anything.
The room was silent except for a soft beeping that sounded somehow far away from him. There was a clean sterile smell in the room and also, when he breathed more deeply, something sweet and floral.
The shots in the alleyway came back to him suddenly, the sound filling his ears like he was still there. He forced his eyes open this time, slowly, blinking against the bright lights.
“Don?” the voice was soft and warm, familiar.
“Stell,” he said, the word coming out in a rasp.
“Hi,” she breathed and then her soft hands were on his face, stroking it softly and combing through his hair and her face was above his.
He blinked until he could focus on her, the worried expression on her face as she studied him.
“Stella,” he repeated, reaching for her.
She sniffed and hugged him hesitantly like she was afraid of hurting him. “Do you want something to drink?” she asked when she pulled away, wiping her eyes.
He nodded and she lifted a glass up, pressing the straw to his lips. He swallowed slowly, the cool water slightly soothing his burning throat.
“Your sister is here,” Stella murmured, smoothing down his hair. “She’s been here all night, Mac and Danny and Lindsay just took her to get something to eat.”
“What happened?” he asked, trying to shift in the bed.
“What do you remember?” Stella asked, still watching him carefully.
“We were in an alley. Somebody was shooting.” He shook his head. “What the hell happened, Stella? And why do you keep looking at me like that?”
“Don,” she said softly.
“Jimmy,” he whispered, shaking his head, knowing the answer when he saw the pained expression on her face. “No,” he said.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“No,” he repeated. “No, not on my watch.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” she said.
“I was his partner. It’s my job…” he grimaced. “It was my job to have his back.”
“You got ambushed.”
“I should have kept him from ever going down that damn alley.”
“Don,” Stella said, reaching for him. He pushed her hands away and sat up, grimacing at the pain that shot through his body.
“Don?”
They both turned towards the doorway and found Sam standing there with Mac, staring at them.
“Give him a minute,” Mac said softly, steering her out of the room. “Everything okay?” he asked, turning back to Stella.
“Everything’s fine,” she said, wiping her eyes. She turned back to Don. “You can’t blame yourself. Jimmy wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.”
“Doesn’t really matter what he’d want now, does it?” He sighed when he saw the pained look on her face. “You should go, Stella. There’s nothing you can do here.”
She leaned closer to him, staring into his eyes before softly brushing her lips to his cheek. “Don’t do this,” she repeated in his ear. “Even if you do, I won’t give up on you.”
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“What are you doing here?”
“Visiting my partner,” Jess answered, slipping into the chair next to Don’s bed.
“You should be at home with the baby,” he muttered.
“Her father’s taking care of her,” Jess explained. “Adam’s as good with her as I am. Maybe better. She’s fine. You’re the one I’m worried about.”
He shook his head. “Stella call you?”
“You got shot,” she sighed. “You really think I’m not going to come and see you? I was here yesterday, too, you just hadn’t woken up yet.”
“You know when the funeral is?” he asked, turning away from her.
“Saturday,” she said quietly, twisting her wedding ring around her finger. “I got the address for the church at home, I’ll give it to you.”
He nodded. “You going?”
“Of course.”
“Are you coming back?” he asked.
“Coming back where?” she asked, looking up at him in confusion.
“To the force.”
“Of course, Don, as soon as my maternity leave is over. I’ll be on a desk for awhile, but I’ll be back.”
“I don’t think I can be your partner any more.”
“What?” she asked, leaning forward in her chair. “What are you talking about?”
“I got my partner killed. He’s dead because of me.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” she argued.
“I can’t take that risk with you. You got a kid, she needs her mother to come home to her. I can’t be the reason she doesn’t have that.”
“It’s not your job to protect me.”
“I’m your partner,” he muttered. “It’s my job. It was my job.”
“Listen, let’s just talk about this later, okay?” She glanced at her watch. “I have to go soon. Try to get some, rest, okay?”
He shrugged.
She stood up, hugging him gently. “Take care of yourself, Don. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, but you have a lot of people who care about you, a lot of people who want to help you through this. You’re not alone.”
“Thanks for coming,” he said, his voice flat.
She nodded. “Come by the house when you’re released spend some time with the baby, okay?” She rested her hand on his arm. “Let us help you.”
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After the funeral they headed to Jimmy’s mother’s house in Queens and Lindsay made her way through the crowd, taking a seat in the corner next to Adam.
“How are you doing?” she asked softly.
“I’m okay,” he answered. “How are you?”
She gave him a soft smile. “Awful day, huh?”
“Yeah,” he answered, looking across the room to where Jess was standing talking to some of the other detectives. “I know I shouldn’t but I can’t stop thinking about how it could have been her.”
Lindsay squeezed his hand. “I think that’s probably natural.”
“How do you do it?” he asked. “Go out every day and know that you or Danny might not come home, might not see your kids again? I don’t know how to do it.”
“I guess I just learned a long time ago,” she answered slowly, “that violence, it can find you anywhere.” She shrugged. “All of us have a limited amount of time, Adam, it’s what we do with it that matters.”
He nodded.
They sat in silence until Jess joined them. Lindsay stood and gave her a quick hug. “Hey,” she said softly.
“Hey,” Jess said, taking the seat next to Adam that Lindsay offered her. “I didn’t realize how much harder this would be after having a baby.”
Lindsay nodded. “Makes you feel everything more.”
“Yeah,” Jess agreed.
“Hey guys,” Stella said, stepping up next to them. “Have you seen Don?”
“Not for awhile,” Lindsay answered, glancing around the room.
Stella frowned. “I kind of worried about him,” she admitted.
“We’ll help you look,” Jess said, standing up with Adam.
“Yeah, I’ll go find Danny,” Lindsay added. “He might know where he is.”
“Thanks,” Stella said softly.
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Stella finally found Don outside on the corner, staring into space.
“What are you doing out here?” she asked.
“I needed some air,” he said with a shrug.
“I’ve got the whole team looking for you,” she said. “We were worried.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Don, you’re scaring me. If you won’t talk to me, if I can’t help you, please, let somebody in.”
He shook his head. “I don’t think I can do this any more.”
“Do what?” she asked.
“All of this,” he answered vaguely, gesturing around.
“Let me take you home,” she said, resting her hand on his arm.
“I drove.”
“Danny and Lindsay will bring your car back.”
“It’s not like I’m drunk, Stell. I can drive.”
She closed her eyes. “I don’t want you to be by yourself.”
“I’ll be fine.” He gently took her hand from his arm and stepped away. “I’ll see you soon,” he added as he started to walk down the street.
Stella was still standing there, staring after him when Jess found her.
“I’m worried about him too,” Jess said softly.
Stella closed her eyes. “He’ll be okay.”
“Yeah,” Jess nodded. “I hope so anyway.”
“Me too.”
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Stella stepped off the elevator, moving through the lab towards her office. She glanced absently towards the office Danny and Lindsay shared, freezing in her tracks when she saw them. Lindsay was hunched over her desk, her head in her hands. Danny was next to her, rubbing her back slowly as he stared blankly out the windows.
Stella forced herself to move forward, pushing open the door. “What happened?” she asked, the words almost stuck in her throat. “What’s wrong?”
The couple turned towards her and she saw that Lindsay’s eyes were red.
“Don turned in his shield,” Danny answered quietly.
“What?” Stella asked, leaning unsteadily against the wall.
“I guess he walked in downstairs and just….quit,” Danny answered with a shrug.
“When?” Stella asked, struggling to swallow.
“Twenty minutes ago,” he murmured.
She pushed herself away from them, not hearing the rest of what Danny was saying as she moved back down the hall.
“You have to do something,” she said as soon as she pushed open the door to Mac’s office.
“I’ll have to call you back,” Mac said softly into the phone before hanging it up. “Have a seat.”
“Mac,” she protested.
“I know you’re upset, Stella, we’re all upset. You’re shaking. Sit down.”
She sat slowly in the chair across from his desk and he walked around it. He poured her a glass of water and pressed it into her hands before sitting on the chair next to her.
“You have to help Don,” she said quietly.
“He quit.” Mac shook his head. “I don’t know how much I can.”
“Please,” Stella whispered. “You know he’s upset. He’s not himself, Mac, I think maybe he has some kind of post traumatic stress or something. You have to help him. Explain things. There must be something you can do to fix this.”
He took one of her hands in his. “You know I’ll do everything in my power to help him.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m worried about him too, Stella.”
She nodded. “He’ll be okay, right? Eventually?”
Mac gave her a weak, uncertain smile. “I certainly hope so.”
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Don was sitting in the dark, a half empty bottle of whiskey on the table in front of him when Sam let herself into his apartment.
“You know there’s only room in this family for one screw up,” she muttered, sinking into the chair across from him. “And believe me, big brother, you’re starting way too late to ever catch up with me.”
“What are you doing here?” he muttered.
She shrugged. “When I needed you, you kept showing up no matter what I said to you, no matter how many times I threw you out. I figured it was my turn to pay you back.”
He shook his head. “Get out of here.”
“I think I’ll stay,” she said, smiling at him. “This is a pretty comfortable chair.”
He closed his eyes. “I’m not joking, Sam. I don’t want you here.”
“Pretty annoying isn’t, it?” she asked. “Having somebody around who cares so damn much about you that they ignore what you want so they can do what’s best for you.”
“This isn’t the same. I’m not you.”
“No. Your hair isn’t pretty enough.”
“You think this is a joke?” he asked, pouring himself another drink.
“No,” she said softly. “I don’t think there’s anything funny about it. I’ve never seen you like this, not even when mom…” she trailed off, closing her eyes for a long moment. Her voice was shaky when she continued. “Not even when mom died. And it scares me, Don, this really scares me. I need you.”
“I can’t be who you need right now, Sam. Find somebody else.”
“You’re my brother,” she murmured. “I’m always gonna need you around.”
“Don’t you have somewhere you need to be or something?” he asked, staring past her out the window.
“No,” she answered, propping her feet up on the coffee table. “And unless you’re going to pick me up and actually throw me out I’m not leaving. You’re stuck with me.”
They sat in silence as the city continued to darken around them.
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“You’re sure that he’s coming?” Stella asked for what seemed like the thousandth time.
“He said he would be here,” Lindsay answered. “He promised to meet us here at seven. Danny even talked to him this morning.”
Danny nodded. “I’m sure he’ll be here any minute.”
Stella bit her lip, pacing the street in front of the restaurant. “Then where is he?”
“Maybe he’s stuck in traffic,” Lindsay suggested.
“Maybe he’s running late,” Danny said with a shrug.
“Aren’t you worried?” Stella demanded.
“Of course we are,” Danny said with a sigh. “We’re all worried about him, Stell.”
“Did you try to call him?” Lindsay suggested.
“He’s not answering,” Stella explained.
“So go over there,” Danny said.
Stella nodded slowly. “Maybe I should.” She looked back at the restaurant. “You already got a babysitter; you should go inside and have dinner.”
Danny shook his head. “And spend all our time worrying about him? We can do that at home.” He stepped into the street, flagging down a cab for Stella. “Call us, let us know he’s okay, alright?”
She nodded, slipping into the cab and giving the driver Flack’s address. Danny stepped back onto the sidewalk, wrapping his arms around Lindsay and kissing the top of her head.
“He’ll be okay,” he murmured.
She nodded. “He better be.”
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Don poured himself another drink, swallowing it as quickly as if it were water and putting the glass back on the table. His phone vibrated next to the bottle on the table and he ignored it, taking another drink instead.
His thoughts drifted as they always did to Jimmy, to the hazy mess of days between the shooting and the funeral. He could still hear the shots; see the look on Jimmy’s mother’s face during the funeral. He remembered her thanking him, actually thanking him for everything he’d done for her son.
It made him want to scream, some kind of awful joke. All he’d ever done for Jimmy was get him killed.
The phone started to vibrate again, this time falling off the table. Don kicked it across the room, not bothering to look at where it ended up.
His eyes were starting to close when he heard the knock on the door. He ignored it, hoping it would go away. He knew it wasn’t Sam, he couldn’t remember the last time she knocked, instead she just let herself in. It was too late for Jess, she’d be at home with Adam and the kid and Lindsay and Danny were waiting for him at dinner.
He hated lying to them but it was easier than seeing the pain and worry in their eyes. Easier than admitting how much he missed all of them, easier than admitting that he couldn’t stand to lose them.
“Don? Please let me in. I just want to see that you’re okay. Please,” Stella repeated.
He’d somehow known it would be her.
She knocked again, her tone pleading and he sighed. He didn’t want to cause her that pain, he wished she would just go away.
Finally he slowly moved to the door, opening it. He had to close his eyes against the relief in her eyes when she saw him. She resisted the urge to throw her arms around his neck, afraid of making things worse, and instead shifted from foot to foot in a rare show of nervousness.
“Can I come inside?” she asked quietly.
“Now really isn’t a good time,” he answered, still avoiding looking her in the eyes.
“You were supposed to come to dinner,” she said.
“Yeah,” he said, staring at his feet and absently kicking at the floor. “Sorry.”
“We were worried,” she continued.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
“Let me come in.”
He sighed. “I just want a drink, Stella, I want to be able to sit here and get drunk without a babysitter. Sam’s bad enough, I don’t need you too.”
“So pour me a drink,” she said.
“This isn’t what you want.”
“I don’t want to get in another cab and leave and go home and not sleep for another night because I’m so damn worried about you,” she said, her voice breaking.
He finally stepped back slowly, letting her into the apartment. He closed the door behind her, following her through the small space. She picked up a glass and poured herself a drink, swallowing slowly as he watched her.
He took a seat next to her after a minute, picking up his own glass.
They drank in silence, the darkness from outside seeping in around them.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered after they finished their third drinks.
“Me too,” she said softly, resting her head against the back of the couch and closing her eyes. “I’m so sorry that you’re in so much pain,” she said, her voice wavering. “I’m sorry that I can’t help you. I feel like I failed you so much, Don.”
“No,” he said, his voice harsh. “This is my bullshit, Stella. It’s not on you.”
She reached out for him then, finally closing the space that had been between them since he opened the door. It was a simple touch, just her soft fingers reaching out to stroke his cheek but it was almost comforting, for a minute. He closed his eyes, wishing he could sink into her touch and just stay there until everything faded away around him.
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Stella stopped by again the next night, this time with her arms full of groceries. Don stood in the doorway and stared at her with a questioning expression in his eyes.
She shrugged. “We have to eat, right?” she asked, pushing slowly past him on her way into the kitchen.
He followed her, watching her put groceries away in his almost empty kitchen. She cleaned things up as she went, throwing out milk that had gone bad. He fought the urge to actually join her in the kitchen, the small room suddenly seemed so warm and comfortable and alive. He stood on the other side of the doorway, watching, vaguely remembering a time not that long ago when she sat perched on one of the countertops while he cooked.
He shook his head, forcing his mind back to the present. Once she was done putting everything away she started wiping down the counters, tugging her hair back quickly and fastening it in a bun on top of her hair with a rubber band. She smiled at him nervously when she found him staring.
“Why don’t you get me a drink?” she asked, afraid that he would make her leave at any moment.
He moved through the apartment, filling two glasses and carrying them back. He sat hers down on the countertop nearest the door and leaned against the wall, swallowing his own drink quickly as Stella continued to work.
An hour later she was finished and the kitchen practically sparkled. She had paused occasionally to take small sips of her drink, watching Don out of the corner of her eyes as he moved around in the shadows of the doorway.
She stepped back and surveyed her work for a long moment, finishing her drink before moving back to the refrigerator.
“Do you want a sandwich?” she asked while she was rummaging around.
He shrugged and she continued to move around the kitchen, fixing them both a plate. She carried them over to the couch, setting his on the table in front of him as he refilled their glasses. She sank back into the cushions of the couch as she ate and sipped on her drink.
After awhile he picked up his sandwich and started slowly eating it. It was good, but then, Stella made it. She wasn’t neither the best nor most experienced cook, but it seemed like anything she did she did fantastically.
He caught her watching him finish the sandwich but she disappeared back into the kitchen with the plates.
“Why are you doing this?” he asked when she returned to the couch.
She looked at him for several moments before speaking. “Because I can’t do nothing,” she finally answered, her voice shaky and barely audible. “I figured this isn’t much, but it’s better than nothing.” She paused. “Are you going to make me leave now?”
He studied her and then pressed her empty glass back into her hands. “You want another drink?”
“Sure,” she said uncertainly, holding the glass out when he picked up the bottle.
“Then you should stay,” he said decisively as he filled the glass and sat back next to her.
“For how long?” she asked moments later, no longer worried about pushing too much.
“You want me to make you leave?” he asked, still studying her.
“No,” she whispered. “Don, please.”
“Why?” he pressed. “Tell me why you’re really here.”
“And you’ll let me stay?”
“Maybe,” he answered.
“After Frankie, after he died…after I killed him,” she corrected, “you didn’t leave me. Remember? No matter what, you wouldn’t leave, you were with me through the whole awful thing.”
“You don’t owe me for that,” he said, avoiding her eyes.
“Yes I do,” she said simply. “So I won’t leave you, just like you never left me.”
“It’s not the same.”
“I don’t think it’s all that different,” she said with a slight shrug. “And maybe you don’t want me here, or think that you need me here, but even if you throw me out, I’m going to keep coming back.”
He felt his eyes filling with tears and pushing himself unsteadily to his feet. “I’ll go find something for you to sleep in,” he said, quickly leaving the room.
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“I’ll get it,” Danny murmured when the door started to buzz in the middle of the movie he and Lindsay were watching.
“Sam,” he said with surprise when he opened the door. “Hi.”
“Hi,” she said, giving him a nervous smile. “Sorry for just showing up.”
“It’s fine,” he said. “What’s going on?”
She sighed. “Have you talked to my brother lately?” she asked, kicking at the floor with her toes
“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded. “I’ve been keeping in touch. Stella’s spending a lot of time with him too, she gives us little reports.”
Sam nodded. “Yeah, I know. It makes me worry a little less, you know? I know she’ll take care of him.” She sighed. “God, that sounds awful.”
He shook his head. “I know what you mean. I had a brother.”
“Right,” she said. “Listen, I’m like, the last person who should be doing this after everything, I know how fucked up it is, but I’ve…I’ve been giving him money to, you know, to live on and I’m know it’s enabling or whatever but I can’t just abandon him.” The words came out a rush and she didn’t breathe until after she was finished speaking.
“Hey, hey, calm down,” Danny said. “He’s your brother, it’s only natural. I would have done the same thing for my brother.”
She nodded. “I go and see him and he’s just there, you know? Like it almost doesn’t even feel like it’s him any more, like he’s not really there.” She shrugged. “And I guess I’m just scared that he’s never going to really be Don again. I just want my brother back.”
Danny sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I wish I could stand here and tell you that he’s gonna be fine, but honestly,” he shrugged. “I don’t know, Sam. I hope he is. Anything I tell you, though, about how strong he is, it’s just going to sound patronizing. All I can tell is that we’re all pulling for him, that any of us would do, will do, anything we can to help him.”
Sam nodded. “I guess that’s really the best I could hope for. I don’t know what I expected you to say.” She turned to the door. “I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t ruin your night.”
“You didn’t,” Danny said quickly. “And Sam, listen, this is just my opinion, no promises, no guarantees, nothing to back it up, but I really do think he’ll be okay. I’ve seen people so much weaker than your brother, with so much less than he has come back from worse than this.”
She gave him a weak smile. “Me too. Hell, I’ve been that person before.”
“Me too,” Danny murmured.
“And we turned out okay, didn’t we?”
Danny glanced back into the apartment where Lindsay was waiting for him. “Better than okay, I think.”
“So my brother will be fine then. He just needs to get over this.”
“I really believe that.”
She gave him a small wave as she stepped into the hallway. “Thanks Danny.”
888888888
“Headed to Don’s again?” Mac asked when he ran into Stella in the hallway of her apartment building.
“Yeah,” she answered softly.
“I was hoping you’d have time for dinner with an old friend.”
Her smile was tired and sad. “Sometime soon,” she promised. “I’m sorry, I really need to go.”
“We miss you, you know,” he murmured. “I understand what you’re doing, Stella, and why you’re doing it, and I respect it.” He paused. “Just remember to take care of yourself, too, okay?”
She nodded. “Of course. Thank you.”
He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly to him.
“You’ll let me know if there’s anything I can do?” he asked.
She nodded.
“And you can tell Don that if he ever wants it back, he still has a job,” Mac added.
“How?” she whispered.
“It took some time, I had to call in some favors and it doesn’t come without strings. There are certain things he’ll have to prove.”
She nodded. “Thank you.”
888888888888
They fell into a sort of routine. Stella showed up every night after work, usually bringing some kind of carryout to try to get him to eat. They sat and drank together. Sometimes she got to talk to her in bits and pieces about the shooting and everything that came after. Most of the time they sat in silence next to each other.
She spent more nights in his bed than she did her own while he slept on the couch. She kept extra clothes in his closet and a bottle of her favorite shampoo in the shower.
“Here,” Don said, picking up a key ring off the table and handing it to her.
“What is it?” she asked, staring at the key.
He didn’t answer at first, finishing his drink and pouring himself another. “A key,” he finally said.
She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, unsure how he would take. “A key to what?”
“Here,” he answered. “A key to my apartment.”
She stared, first at the key and then at him. “Are you sure?” she breathed.
He shrugged. “I figure it just makes sense. This way I don’t have to wake up and let you in.”
She nodded. “Okay then.”
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“Mac,” Don said, surprised when he opened his door and found the older man standing there.
“Don,” Mac said with a nod. “Can I come in?”
“Uh, it’s not really a great time,” Don lied.
“It’s important. I need to talk to you.”
Don sighed. “About what?”
“About Stella.”
Don stopped cold at her name. “Did something happen to her?” he asked, his voice shaky.
“No,” Mac answered. “Not yet.”
“Not yet?” Don repeated. “What’s going on?”
“She’s not eating, not sleeping. She’s not herself anymore, just like you haven’t been yourself. She’s so worried about you that she’s not taking care of herself. Ever since I’ve known her, Stella’s always been special, she’s always had this spark that set her apart from everybody else and now that she’s spending all her time here with you, it’s gone. You took that from her.”
Don let out a breath he hadn’t even known he was holding. “Then I’ll make her leave. Problem solved.”
“It’s not that simple,” Mac sighed.
“Then what do you want from me?” Don demanded.
“Do you really want to help her?”
Don hesitated before answering. “I’m not sure I can.”
“If you really want to help her,” Mac explained, “you need to let her in. Let her help you. Not sit here and get drunk with you every night, let her help you, actually help you. It’s the only way she’ll stop. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter what you do or say. She’ll keep showing up here every night, even if you never let her inside again.”
Don was silent, the words slowly sinking in. “I never meant to hurt her.”
“I know. But that’s the thing about Stella. She’ll hold onto you, never let you go, even if you fall and pull her down with you. She’ll hold on until you drown her.”
“Don’t let that happen,” Don whispered.
Mac gave him a defeated smile. “It’s not up to me.”
8888888888888
“We have to talk.”
Stella tensed at the words, spoken as soon as she let herself into Don’s apartment. “I got pasta tonight,” she said, holding up the containers of take out and ignoring him.
“Stella,” he said firmly.
“Don’t make me leave,” she said, a pleading tone in her voice, her face crumpling when she spoke. “Don, please.”
He shook his head. “I’m not good for you.”
“Don,” she repeated.
“I screwed up,” he said, his voice soft.
“What?” she asked, dropping the take out by the door and stepping fully into the room.
“With Jimmy. I screwed up, Stell.”
“Don, what happened that day, it wasn’t your fault. I know you blame yourself, but there wasn’t anything you could have done differently.”
“Not just that day,” he sighed, shaking his head. “I never gave him a chance.” He stared at his hands. “It’s not just that he died on my watch, Stella. The whole time he was alive, I spent all my time resenting him. I never got to know him.”
“That’s not true,” she protested.
“I should have been teaching him. I should have been helping him become a better cop. Maybe it would have made a difference, and maybe it wouldn’t have, but at least I would have been doing my job.” Tears slowly started to roll down his cheeks. “I owed him that much,” he said as he started to cry.
Stella pulled him into her arms, rubbing his back as he buried his face against her neck, tears warm against her skin. She carefully lowered both of their bodies onto the couch, stretching out underneath him and holding onto him tightly.
“Oh Don,” she murmured, her voice thick with pain. “Shhh.”
He gripped her tightly, holding on to her and clinging desperately. He cried more than he thought he’d ever cried in his life, crying until he was completely exhausted and fell asleep in her arms.
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“Wow,” Sam said, stopping in the middle of the room and staring around the apartment after letting herself into Don’s. “You…cleaned.”
“Stella cleaned,” he explained. “I guess she needed a project.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” she said as she hung her coat up, “but I was kind of under the impression that you were her project.”
“Yeah,” he said with a sad smile. “I guess I have been. Listen, Sam, that’s kind of why I called you.”
She nodded, moving to the chair and perching on the edge of it, watching him nervously. “Figured you had a reason.”
“I know I haven’t been a great brother lately,” he sighed. “Or even a good brother. I’m lucky you even still answer when I call.”
She gave him a rueful look. “Let’s be honest here, Don. I’ve done a lot worse than you ever even dreamed of.”
He shook his head. “Don’t sell yourself short like that.”
She smiled, hopeful this time. “You almost sound like the brother I know again.”
He nodded. “I know it’s gonna take some time, but I hope I’ll be that guy again eventually. I’m gonna start therapy, Sam, I’m gonna try to go back to my job.” He took a deep breath. “I know it won’t be easy but I don’t know, I guess I’m just hoping I can put my life back together.”
“I’m glad,” she said softly.
“I know that it isn’t anything like what you had to face, Sam, but I gotta tell you, I have so much respect for you right now, for everything you’ve come through. I’m so proud of you.”
She grinned at him. “You’re getting all soft on me Donnie.”
He shrugged. “I’m your big brother. I’m allowed a moment from time to time.” He pulled her into a tight hug and when he pulled back she had tears in her eyes.
“Sorry,” she whispered, wiping them quickly. “I was just really scared, Don. I don’t know what would happen to me if I ever lost you.”
“I don’t ever want you to feel that way again,” he murmured. “I hope I don’t ever give you a reason to.”
“You better not,” she said sternly.
He glanced around the apartment. “I really owe Stella so much for all of this. Not just this,” he said, gesturing around the space. “I don’t know where I would be without her. How do I ever pay her back?”
“I think she probably just wants you to get better. That’s all any of us want.”
He reached out and squeezed her hand. “I’m trying.”
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“Hey,” Stella said, feeling suddenly awkward and nervous when Don opened the door and ushered her inside of the apartment.
“Hey,” he murmured. “Thanks for coming.”
She smiled at him. “How are you? How’s uh, how’s the therapy going?”
He shrugged. “It’s tough. I think it’s helping though. That’s why I called, it’s why I wanted to see you.”
“Oh?” she asked, trying to mask her nervousness.
“I was hoping you’d stay for dinner,” he explained. “Let me cook for you. It’s really the least I can do after everything you did for me.”
“You don’t have to do anything for me, Don. I was just being your friend.”
“I know,” he nodded. “I really want to show you how much I appreciate it though, Stella. It’s important to me.”
She hugged him tenderly but held on to him tightly for an extended moment. “I’m just glad you’re feeling better.”
“I am, thanks to you. And if I don’t get started on that dinner, we’ll never get to eat.”
She laughed, following him into the kitchen.
“You want to get us a couple of glasses?” he asked, nodding to one of the cabinets as he started moving around the kitchen.
She opened the cabinet, the same space that had only weeks ago held bottles of whiskey and was now filled with sparkling clean dishes. She smiled to herself, breathing another sigh of relief as she pulled down two glasses for them and turned back to him.
“What are you making me?” she asked.
“Chicken parm,” he murmured. “I make the best one you’ve ever had.”
“Is that a guarantee?” she asked.
“It is,” he answered. “There’s wine if you want some,” he added, nodding behind him. “Unless it makes you uncomfortable after…everything that happened.”
“No,” she said. “It doesn’t. Unless it would make you uncomfortable.”
“It’s actually something we’ve talked a lot about in my therapy.” He shrugged. “I’m laying off anything hard for the time being. I thought maybe after Sam, everything she went through, I thought about going to rehab but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be an issue. But I understand if it makes you nervous.” He shook his head. “It was a stupid suggestion. Forget about it.”
She walked over the rack of wine bottles, studying the labels. She pulled one down, inspecting it before holding it up. “How does this look?” she asked.
“I trust your judgment,” he said with a small smile.
She picked up their glasses, filling them both halfway and handing one to him. “So how is therapy going?” she asked. “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to,” she added quickly.
“It’s tough,” he admitted. “I think it’s helping though. No,” he corrected. “I know it’s helping.”
She reached out to squeeze his hand. “I’m glad,” she said softly.
“I’m going to try to go back to work soon.”
“Yeah?” she asked.
“Yeah. I’ll be working a desk for awhile, but I think that will be good. I hope. I really hope I can do it, Stella.”
She nodded. “Me too. And remember, you don’t have to do any of this alone.”
“I know. Thank you Stella. For everything. I can never thank you enough.”
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“You know you don’t have to do this,” Don said. “Really, Stella, you’ve done so much for me, I’m supposed to be paying you back, remember?”
“I thought we decided we were even,” she murmured.
“So that means clearly you should be stopping by to make me breakfast,” he said.
“Exactly,” she said with a smile. “Listen, I know how big today is for you. I just want to help.”
He nodded. “I feel a little bit like a kindergartener you’re sending off to school for the first day,” he said as she handed him a glass of juice and put the plate in front of him.
“If you’re implying that I’m old enough to be your mother then you’re not getting any more pancakes,” she said, pointing the spatula at him.
“Trust me, Stell, you are definitely not my mother.”
She smiled to herself, silently cleaning up the kitchen as he ate. “Are you nervous?”
He shrugged. “Figure I will be when I get there.”
She nodded. “You can do this Don.”
“I hope so.”
She reached out to rest her hand on his arm. “We’re all gonna be there for you, you know that, right?”
“Yeah,” he said, covering her hand with his own hand, holding it there. “I’m trying to just take it one step at a time. Get there, get through today, then focus on tomorrow.”
She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. “You want me to call Mac, tell him I’ll be late? We could go together.”
He shook his head. “No, go ahead. I’ll see you there, right?”
“Yeah,” she said. “Come up to the lab when you get a chance, and I’ll come down to see you. We’ll have lunch together.”
He nodded. “Sounds good.”
She pulled away slowly, reaching up to cup his face. “If you need anything, call me. Promise, Don.”
“I promise,” he murmured.
“Okay,” she said quietly, stepping back and picking up her jacket. “So I’ll see you in a few hours.”
“Yeah,” he said, his eyes on hers. “I’ll see you there.”
888888888888
Jess slowed her walk towards the building when she saw Don standing at the corner.
“I gotta let you go Adam,” she murmured into the phone. “I’ll find you at lunch.” She dropped the phone into her bag and stepped up next to Don.
“Hey partner,” she said.
“Hi,” he said, giving her a tight smile.
“Feels weird, doesn’t it, coming back?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he nodded.
“I know it’s not the same, I’m not trying to say it is, I just, I remember how weird it felt the first time I came back. Adam had to come out and get me and walk me in and then I spent two hours crying in the bathroom. Stupid hormones,” she muttered. “I’m really glad you’re back, by the way. Adam is too. He feels better, knowing you’re gonna be watching my back.”
Don swallowed. “Not for awhile.”
She shrugged. “Trust me, the desk isn’t so bad.”
“What if I can’t do it?” he asked, his mouth dry. “This, what if I can’t do it?”
“How do you know until you try?”
“You sound like a mom.”
She smiled. “I am a mom.”
He nodded. “You’re gonna be a really great one, Jess.”
“I hope so. Now are you ready to go inside and be my partner again?”
He took a deep breath. “Yeah. I think I am.”
He walked slowly forward, Jess at his side the entire time, her strides slowed to match his. He hesitated at the doors, taking a deep breath before opening them and stepping inside.
Jess gave him an encouraging smile as they made their way through the building and he tried to tell himself that he was imagining every one staring at him as they walked.
“You okay?” Jess asked softly when they stepped into the squad room.
He swallowed slowly. “Yeah,” he nodded, taking it all in. The place seemed unchanged by his absence. He wasn’t sure what he thought would be different, exactly, but it felt like something should be.
He followed Jess across the room to their desks. He stared at his, each and every object almost achingly familiar and untouched.
Jess watched him nervously, standing next to her own desk. “The guy they stuck with me to partner while you were gone, I wouldn’t let him touch anything, I told him that my partner was coming back.”
Don nodded.
“You want some coffee or something?” Jess asked, still studying his face.
“No,” he said, shaking his head, slowly sinking into his chair.
When he looked up Jess was still watching him, perched awkwardly between his desk and her own.
“I just need a minute, you know?”
She nodded. “Yeah. I’m hovering. Sorry.”
“It’s kind of understandable after everything.”
“Still,” she said, taking a seat at her desk, “I’ll try to avoid it.”
He nodded absently. “Thanks.”
888888888
He waited downstairs for an hour, trying to get comfortable at his desk before heading upstairs to the lab. He saw Lindsay as soon as he stepped off the elevator, her face lighting up when she saw him.
“Hi,” she said, throwing her arms around him. “It’s so good to have you back.”
“Thanks,” he murmured, hugging her gently.
“You have to come by the house soon, Emma’s so big now, you wouldn’t believe it.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, Lindsay, I promise I will.” He glanced through the lab. “Is Stella here?”
Lindsay nodded. “She’s in DNA with Adam.”
“Maybe I should come back later.”
“No,” Lindsay insisted. “She’ll be mad at both of us if she finds out you were up here and she didn’t see you.”
“True,” he admitted.
“You want me to go with you?”
“Nah,” he said, shaking his head. “I gotta get to used to doing things on my own again, you know?”
“Yeah,” she said softly. “I’ll see you later then?”
He nodded, walking down the hall. He paused outside the lab, watching Stella, the way she frowned as she stared at the evidence she and Adam were studying.
He knocked lightly on the door as he entered the room and they both turned to face him. Stella’s eyes lit up when she saw him and Adam smiled.
“Hey,” she said softly.
“Hey,” Don murmured. “Hi Adam,” he added.
“Hi,” Adam said. He glanced between the two of them. “Good to have you back, man. Jessie and I….” he trailed off, “I relax a little more, knowing that whatever she’s walking into, you’re going in there with her.”
Don nodded. “I’ll do my best to keep her safe.”
“I know,” Adam said simply. “I’ll go finish up those tests,” he said to Stella. “Find me later?”
She nodded, smiling nervously. “Thanks Adam.”
Don and Stella were silent as he left, exchanging uncertain glances.
“How is it so far?” she asked when they were alone.
“Strange,” he admitted. “I’m not sure if it’s bad, or good, but it’s strange.” He shrugged. “Feels weird just being here and I feel like I’m so different but everything’s the same.” He shrugged again. “I sound like someone who’s been in therapy for way too long.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Just don’t push yourself too hard, okay?”
“Yeah, I don’t really think there’s much danger of that happening. Jess is watching me like a hawk.”
“Good,” she said. “Not that you need someone watching you,” she added, blushing. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“No,” he said. “I do. You more than anyone should know that.”
“Just give yourself a break, Don. Let it feel strange for awhile. It won’t always be like this.”
He nodded. “That’s what I keep telling myself.” He gave her a small smile. “At least being back here, being with all of you, it feels better than sitting around my apartment.”
“Good,” she said. “I’m glad.”
“I should get back downstairs,” he said. “Let you get back to work.”
She hugged him before he could move towards the door. “I know you’ve heard it a million times today, but I’m ready glad you’re back.”
He resisted the urge to bury his face in her hair and hesitated before speaking. “Me too.”
888888888
“Thanks for coming with me,” Don said softly when he and Stella got out of the cab in front of the restaurant.
She smiled. “Really, it’s no problem. It’s not like we weren’t both going to the same place.”
“Right,” he said.
“Listen,” she said quickly, “it was your first day back, if you’re not up to this, everybody’s going to understand.”
He shook his head. “I want to go. I want to try to have a nice normal dinner with friends.”
She reached out, taking his hand in hers and squeezing reassuringly. “Then let’s have dinner.”
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Don was surprised by how relaxed he felt during dinner. Surrounded by all his friends, with Stella’s hand resting reassuringly on the back of his chair, he laughed for the first time in months.
Danny, Lindsay, Adam and Jess had to go first, explaining the need to get home and relieve babysitters.
“I missed you man,” Danny said softly to him as they embraced. “Don’t ever pull a stunt like that again.”
Eventually it was just Don, Mac, and Stella sitting around the mostly empty table and Don found that he was reluctant to leave.
“We should probably go,” Don murmured. “Nobody wants to stay too late at their own party, right?”
Stella smiled warmly at him. “Let me run and use the restroom and I’ll be ready to go.”
He nodded as she left the table, making her way across the room.
Don was silent for a moment, collecting his thoughts before speaking. “I don’t know how to thank you,” he finally said.
“You don’t have to thank me,” Mac said.
“What you said to me,” Don said, pausing again, “it was what I needed to hear.”
Mac nodded. “I’m glad it helped it. I did it for purely selfish reasons.”
“You were worried about Stella,” Don said with a shrug. “I don’t think that’s entirely selfish.”
“Maybe not,” Mac said softly.
“Doesn’t matter why you did it anyway,” Don said. “It just matters that you said it, cause it you hadn’t….I’d probably still be in that hole.”
Mac nodded, standing up. “I’m glad you’re back, Don.”
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Stella saw Don as soon as she ducked under the crime scene tape. He and Jess were huddled together and she slowly made her way over to them. Jess filled her in on the particulars of the case and Stella started working.
She didn’t talk to them again until she was finishing up. She was packing up her case when Don knelt down next to her.
“Find anything?” he asked.
“Not much,” she admitted. “I’ll take it back to the lab, have Adam run some tests, work his magic.”
He nodded.
“It’s good to have you back out here,” she said quietly after a moment. “Your first time back in the field, right?”
He nodded. “Feels good to be back.”
She smiled at him, resting her hand on his arm and he tried to brush off the warmth that spread through his body at her touch.
8888888888
“I think I’m in love with Stella.”
Danny almost dropped the cup of coffee he was holding. “Excuse me?” he asked.
Don sighed. “I think I might be in love with Stella.”
“Wow,” Danny murmured. “That’s big.”
Don nodded. “At first I thought it was just, you know, related to everything she did for me. Like, it was gratitude or something.”
“But you don’t think so any more?”
“I started talking about it in therapy. Exploring my feelings.”
“And that led you to think you’re in love with her?” Danny asked.
“Yeah,” Don answered.
“Wow,” Danny said again.
“Yeah,” Don agreed.
“This’ll make Lindsay happy.”
“That’s why I came to you, Danny, cause I knew you’d help me work this out without thinking about it could possibly benefit you.”
Danny shrugged. “I’m just saying…”
“You’re just saying that me being in love with Stella might be something you can use to get laid.”
Danny shrugged again. “I think you should go for it with Stella. Tell her how you feel.”
“You think so?”
Danny nodded. “Lindsay always knew the two of you would get together some day. Stella might feel the same way. She went through hell when you were…after Jimmy died.”
“Yeah, I know,” Don said softly.
“Listen, just talk to her,” Danny advised.
“I’m scared I’ll lose her.”
“I think you’ll lose her anyway, if you do nothing, you know?”
Don hung his head. “Yeah. I know.”
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Stella had happily agreed when Don asked her to come over for a movie night. She picked up take out from her favorite place and they ate on the couch, watching the first of many movies.
“I made dessert,” he said, standing up and moving into the kitchen. He returned with two plates of chocolate cake.
“Wow,” she said, smiling brightly. “Looks delicious.” She took a bite. “This is so good, Don.”
He gave her a nervous smile. “Well, I figured since you brought dinner, I’d take care of dessert.”
After they finished and stated movie number two he handed her a blanket and she wrapped it around her body, curling up next to him. He tried to fight the nervousness that seemed to grow the closer she got.
“Can I talk to you?” he asked, trying to swallow.
“Of course,” she said, sitting back so she could look at him.
“I, uh, I, Stella, I hope you know how much you mean to me.”
She smiled warmly. “I do.”
He nodded. “It’s more than that, though. I realized, everything that happened, it made me realize that I have feelings for you, Stella. More than just feelings. I love you.”
“Really?” she whispered.
“Yeah,” he sighed. “And I know I’m a mess and you deserve so much more than that, so much more than I might ever be…”
He trailed off when she moved closer, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her lips softly to his.
When she pulled back she held his face in her hands, fingers lightly tracing his skin. “I love you too,” she whispered.
It was his turn to kiss her then, hungrily, pouring all of the passion he’d discovered for her into the kiss. They pulled apart slowly, kissing softly again before finally separating.
He felt like he was breathing for the first time since she got there as she curled up in his arms, resting her head on his chest.
“We should take things slow,” he murmured, resting his chin on the top of her head.
She nodded. “Okay.”
“I want to do this right.”
“Me too.” Her hand rested on his arm, rubbing slow circles over his skin. “I’m in this for the long haul, Don.”
“Me too,” he whispered.
They fell asleep that way, eventually, as the movies played on. She fell asleep first, her breathing slow and even and possibly the sweetest sound he’d ever heard. He finally felt whole again, complete, after everything, with her in his arms. He finally found peace, safety again. And then, he slept.
Author Rory
'Verse CSI:NY
Claim/Characters/Pairing (whatever applies) CSI:NY general
Rating R
Warnings (inc. Spoilers) spoilers for season 2
Disclaimer I don't own them
Summary Stella helps Don through a difficult time
Table/Prompt size matters/epic
“Hey stranger,” Jess said, smiling warmly when she opened the door and ushered Don into the apartment.
“Hi,” he said, hugging her gently. “How are you?”
“Good,” she said.
“Where’s the baby?” he asked.
“Adam’s trying to get her to sleep,” she said, nodding towards the bedrooms. “We’re not getting a lot of sleep around here,” she admitted. “But she’s so perfect, Don. I can’t believe she’s really mine.”
“I guess that means I can’t convince you to come back from your maternity leave early then, huh?” Don asked as he settled on the chair across from her.
“Why?” she asked, her brow creasing in concern.
They both looked up when Adam padded down the hallway.
“Hey Don,” he said tiredly, stifling a yawn as he settled next to Jess on the couch and let his head rest on her shoulder.
“I should go,” Don murmured. “Let you guys get some rest.”
Adam shook his head. “No, stay.”
“Tell me what’s going on at work,” Jess added.
“Nothing,” Don said. “Just the new guy they gave me to partner with until you get back.”
“What’s he like?” Jess pressed.
Don shrugged. “He’s inept.”
Jess laughed. “Well, you couldn’t expect them to find you another me.”
“I’d settle for somebody that could do their damn job,” Don muttered.
“I’m sure he’s not that bad,” Jess said. “Give him a chance. It’s only a couple of months.”
“You only say that because you haven’t met him. He’s a rookie, brand new, overeager to run into anything. Never thinks about what he’s doing.”
“I think we’ve all been there,” Jess said.
“This guy is different,” Don insisted.
“Only cause you’re stuck with him,” Jess countered. “It’s not forever. I’m coming back.”
“It feels like forever,” Don sighed. “I should really go.”
“Stay,” Jess said firmly. “Spend some time with your goddaughter.”
Hannah’s soft cries filled the room through the baby monitor sitting on the coffee table.
“I got her,” Adam murmured, standing up.
“I really need to go,” Don said after he left the room, standing up and moving towards the door. “I gotta get to work early and keep the new guy from accidentally shooting himself.”
Jess followed him to the door. “I’ll be back at work soon,” she reminded him.
“Yeah, what am I gonna do until then?”
“You’ll barely even have time to miss me,” she said.
“That’s not true,” he sighed. He leaned into kiss her on the cheek. “Congratulations again, to you and Adam. Take care of yourself.”
She nodded. “You too.”
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“Detective Bonasera.”
Stella tried to hide her smile as the young officer’s eagerness as he stood to greet her. “I told you to call me Stella, Officer Baker,” she murmured.
“Yes ma’am,” he said. “And you can call me Jimmy.”
Stella smiled warmly at him. “Good morning Jimmy. Is Don around?”
“Hey Stell,” Don said, walking up behind them.
“Hi,” she said, turning around to face him and holding up the cup of coffee she was carrying. “Thought maybe you could use a treat.”
“Thanks,” he said, taking the cup out of her hands. “Want to take a walk?”
“Sure,” she said, waving at Jimmy as Flack ushered her to the elevator.
“I needed a break,” he admitted after the doors closed behind them.
“He’s harmless.”
“Would you want him watching your back?” Don countered.
“I wasn’t that different from him when I started,” Stella said as the doors opened and they stepped out of the elevator.
“I doubt it.”
She smiled at him. “Everyone has to start somewhere.”
“Yeah, well, I wish he was starting somewhere else.”
“That’s just mean,” Stella scolded. “He’s new, he needs to learn, he needs you to teach him.”
“I didn’t sign up to be the kid’s baby-sitter.” Don sighed. “But you’re right, it was mean.”
“If you keep this attitude up I’m not bringing you any more coffee.”
Don shook his head. “I promise I’ll try to be good.”
Stella smiled at him. “That’s better.”
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Don glanced up when he saw Jimmy hang up the phone and stand suddenly.
“I have to go,” the younger man said quietly.
“Is everything alright?” Don asked, studying his partner’s face.
“That was my mother. I have to go to the hospital, my brother, he was in some kind of an accident.”
Don frowned. “Is he okay?’
“I hope so.”
Don stood, grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair. “I’ll drive you.”
Jimmy shook his head. “You don’t have to do that.”
“We’re partners,” Don murmured.
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“What’s your brother like?” Don asked as he sat next to Jimmy in the hospital’s waiting room.
“His name’s Michael. We call him Mikey. He hates it.”
Don chuckled softly.
“He’s going to the academy too,” Jimmy continued.
“Yeah?” Don asked. “What made you both want to be cops?”
Jimmy shrugged. “You know how every kid wants to be a cop? It was sort of like we never grew out of that stage. What about you?”
“My dad was a cop,” Don answered quietly.
“You have a sister, right?”
Don nodded. “Her name’s Sam.”
“Older or younger?”
“She’s younger,” Don answered.
“You two close?”
“Yeah,” Don said slowly. “Yeah we are. She’s been through some tough things, but she’s handling them. She’s strong.”
“She’s lucky to have you.”
Don stared at his shoes. “I don’t know if that’s true.”
Jimmy was silent for a long moment, staring at the clock on the wall. “I just want to say I appreciate everything you’re doing for me, showing me the ropes.”
Jimmy stood up while Don was trying to formulate a response and crossed the room to talk to a middle aged woman standing in the doorway.
“Mikey’s awake,” she said. “He wants to see you.”
“Go,” Don said when Jimmy turned back to him. “I gotta get back to the station anyway. I hope your brother’s fine.”
Jimmy nodded, raising his hand to wave as Don moved the entrance.
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“Ready to admit you’re wrong?” Stella asked when Don settled into the seat across from her desk.
He sighed, staring out the window. “Jimmy’s not a bad guy,” he admitted. “But he’s still a bad cop.”
“He’s not a bad cop,” Stella argued. “He’s an inexperienced cop. He could turn into a great cop.”
“Could,” Don emphasized. “His metamorphosis is a little slow for my taste.”
“I don’t get it,” Stella said, leaning back in her chair. “What is your problem with this guy?”
Don rubbed his temples, hesitating before answering. “I’m responsible for him. This kid, he can’t take care of himself, he’s hopeless and I have to take care of him, and it pisses me off. I didn’t sign up to be this kid’s baby sitter and I can’t do my job if I’m constantly doing his too.”
“You’re worried,” she said softly.
He shook his head.
“No,” she protested, “hear me out, Don. You’re used to Jess, she can hold her own, she doesn’t depend on you. You know, no matter what situation you get into, no matter what you’re facing, she can take care of herself. She can do her job as well as you can do yours. This kid, he’s not like that. You’re not angry at him, Don, you’re worried about him.”
“Maybe you’re right,” Don said slowly. “I still don’t like him though. I don’t want to be partnered with him.”
Stella laughed softly. “You will survive.”
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It was routine, following up on a lead from some trace Lindsay had found. Jimmy had even almost done a good job with it. They were headed back to the car when they heard the crash in the alleyway. It was all a blur after that, chasing after Jimmy into the alley, shots flying past them as soon as they turned the corner. Don felt a burning pain and then everything went black.
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When Don woke up he could barely swallow. He tried and failed to open his eyes, move his hands, anything.
The room was silent except for a soft beeping that sounded somehow far away from him. There was a clean sterile smell in the room and also, when he breathed more deeply, something sweet and floral.
The shots in the alleyway came back to him suddenly, the sound filling his ears like he was still there. He forced his eyes open this time, slowly, blinking against the bright lights.
“Don?” the voice was soft and warm, familiar.
“Stell,” he said, the word coming out in a rasp.
“Hi,” she breathed and then her soft hands were on his face, stroking it softly and combing through his hair and her face was above his.
He blinked until he could focus on her, the worried expression on her face as she studied him.
“Stella,” he repeated, reaching for her.
She sniffed and hugged him hesitantly like she was afraid of hurting him. “Do you want something to drink?” she asked when she pulled away, wiping her eyes.
He nodded and she lifted a glass up, pressing the straw to his lips. He swallowed slowly, the cool water slightly soothing his burning throat.
“Your sister is here,” Stella murmured, smoothing down his hair. “She’s been here all night, Mac and Danny and Lindsay just took her to get something to eat.”
“What happened?” he asked, trying to shift in the bed.
“What do you remember?” Stella asked, still watching him carefully.
“We were in an alley. Somebody was shooting.” He shook his head. “What the hell happened, Stella? And why do you keep looking at me like that?”
“Don,” she said softly.
“Jimmy,” he whispered, shaking his head, knowing the answer when he saw the pained expression on her face. “No,” he said.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“No,” he repeated. “No, not on my watch.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” she said.
“I was his partner. It’s my job…” he grimaced. “It was my job to have his back.”
“You got ambushed.”
“I should have kept him from ever going down that damn alley.”
“Don,” Stella said, reaching for him. He pushed her hands away and sat up, grimacing at the pain that shot through his body.
“Don?”
They both turned towards the doorway and found Sam standing there with Mac, staring at them.
“Give him a minute,” Mac said softly, steering her out of the room. “Everything okay?” he asked, turning back to Stella.
“Everything’s fine,” she said, wiping her eyes. She turned back to Don. “You can’t blame yourself. Jimmy wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.”
“Doesn’t really matter what he’d want now, does it?” He sighed when he saw the pained look on her face. “You should go, Stella. There’s nothing you can do here.”
She leaned closer to him, staring into his eyes before softly brushing her lips to his cheek. “Don’t do this,” she repeated in his ear. “Even if you do, I won’t give up on you.”
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“What are you doing here?”
“Visiting my partner,” Jess answered, slipping into the chair next to Don’s bed.
“You should be at home with the baby,” he muttered.
“Her father’s taking care of her,” Jess explained. “Adam’s as good with her as I am. Maybe better. She’s fine. You’re the one I’m worried about.”
He shook his head. “Stella call you?”
“You got shot,” she sighed. “You really think I’m not going to come and see you? I was here yesterday, too, you just hadn’t woken up yet.”
“You know when the funeral is?” he asked, turning away from her.
“Saturday,” she said quietly, twisting her wedding ring around her finger. “I got the address for the church at home, I’ll give it to you.”
He nodded. “You going?”
“Of course.”
“Are you coming back?” he asked.
“Coming back where?” she asked, looking up at him in confusion.
“To the force.”
“Of course, Don, as soon as my maternity leave is over. I’ll be on a desk for awhile, but I’ll be back.”
“I don’t think I can be your partner any more.”
“What?” she asked, leaning forward in her chair. “What are you talking about?”
“I got my partner killed. He’s dead because of me.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” she argued.
“I can’t take that risk with you. You got a kid, she needs her mother to come home to her. I can’t be the reason she doesn’t have that.”
“It’s not your job to protect me.”
“I’m your partner,” he muttered. “It’s my job. It was my job.”
“Listen, let’s just talk about this later, okay?” She glanced at her watch. “I have to go soon. Try to get some, rest, okay?”
He shrugged.
She stood up, hugging him gently. “Take care of yourself, Don. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, but you have a lot of people who care about you, a lot of people who want to help you through this. You’re not alone.”
“Thanks for coming,” he said, his voice flat.
She nodded. “Come by the house when you’re released spend some time with the baby, okay?” She rested her hand on his arm. “Let us help you.”
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After the funeral they headed to Jimmy’s mother’s house in Queens and Lindsay made her way through the crowd, taking a seat in the corner next to Adam.
“How are you doing?” she asked softly.
“I’m okay,” he answered. “How are you?”
She gave him a soft smile. “Awful day, huh?”
“Yeah,” he answered, looking across the room to where Jess was standing talking to some of the other detectives. “I know I shouldn’t but I can’t stop thinking about how it could have been her.”
Lindsay squeezed his hand. “I think that’s probably natural.”
“How do you do it?” he asked. “Go out every day and know that you or Danny might not come home, might not see your kids again? I don’t know how to do it.”
“I guess I just learned a long time ago,” she answered slowly, “that violence, it can find you anywhere.” She shrugged. “All of us have a limited amount of time, Adam, it’s what we do with it that matters.”
He nodded.
They sat in silence until Jess joined them. Lindsay stood and gave her a quick hug. “Hey,” she said softly.
“Hey,” Jess said, taking the seat next to Adam that Lindsay offered her. “I didn’t realize how much harder this would be after having a baby.”
Lindsay nodded. “Makes you feel everything more.”
“Yeah,” Jess agreed.
“Hey guys,” Stella said, stepping up next to them. “Have you seen Don?”
“Not for awhile,” Lindsay answered, glancing around the room.
Stella frowned. “I kind of worried about him,” she admitted.
“We’ll help you look,” Jess said, standing up with Adam.
“Yeah, I’ll go find Danny,” Lindsay added. “He might know where he is.”
“Thanks,” Stella said softly.
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Stella finally found Don outside on the corner, staring into space.
“What are you doing out here?” she asked.
“I needed some air,” he said with a shrug.
“I’ve got the whole team looking for you,” she said. “We were worried.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Don, you’re scaring me. If you won’t talk to me, if I can’t help you, please, let somebody in.”
He shook his head. “I don’t think I can do this any more.”
“Do what?” she asked.
“All of this,” he answered vaguely, gesturing around.
“Let me take you home,” she said, resting her hand on his arm.
“I drove.”
“Danny and Lindsay will bring your car back.”
“It’s not like I’m drunk, Stell. I can drive.”
She closed her eyes. “I don’t want you to be by yourself.”
“I’ll be fine.” He gently took her hand from his arm and stepped away. “I’ll see you soon,” he added as he started to walk down the street.
Stella was still standing there, staring after him when Jess found her.
“I’m worried about him too,” Jess said softly.
Stella closed her eyes. “He’ll be okay.”
“Yeah,” Jess nodded. “I hope so anyway.”
“Me too.”
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Stella stepped off the elevator, moving through the lab towards her office. She glanced absently towards the office Danny and Lindsay shared, freezing in her tracks when she saw them. Lindsay was hunched over her desk, her head in her hands. Danny was next to her, rubbing her back slowly as he stared blankly out the windows.
Stella forced herself to move forward, pushing open the door. “What happened?” she asked, the words almost stuck in her throat. “What’s wrong?”
The couple turned towards her and she saw that Lindsay’s eyes were red.
“Don turned in his shield,” Danny answered quietly.
“What?” Stella asked, leaning unsteadily against the wall.
“I guess he walked in downstairs and just….quit,” Danny answered with a shrug.
“When?” Stella asked, struggling to swallow.
“Twenty minutes ago,” he murmured.
She pushed herself away from them, not hearing the rest of what Danny was saying as she moved back down the hall.
“You have to do something,” she said as soon as she pushed open the door to Mac’s office.
“I’ll have to call you back,” Mac said softly into the phone before hanging it up. “Have a seat.”
“Mac,” she protested.
“I know you’re upset, Stella, we’re all upset. You’re shaking. Sit down.”
She sat slowly in the chair across from his desk and he walked around it. He poured her a glass of water and pressed it into her hands before sitting on the chair next to her.
“You have to help Don,” she said quietly.
“He quit.” Mac shook his head. “I don’t know how much I can.”
“Please,” Stella whispered. “You know he’s upset. He’s not himself, Mac, I think maybe he has some kind of post traumatic stress or something. You have to help him. Explain things. There must be something you can do to fix this.”
He took one of her hands in his. “You know I’ll do everything in my power to help him.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m worried about him too, Stella.”
She nodded. “He’ll be okay, right? Eventually?”
Mac gave her a weak, uncertain smile. “I certainly hope so.”
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Don was sitting in the dark, a half empty bottle of whiskey on the table in front of him when Sam let herself into his apartment.
“You know there’s only room in this family for one screw up,” she muttered, sinking into the chair across from him. “And believe me, big brother, you’re starting way too late to ever catch up with me.”
“What are you doing here?” he muttered.
She shrugged. “When I needed you, you kept showing up no matter what I said to you, no matter how many times I threw you out. I figured it was my turn to pay you back.”
He shook his head. “Get out of here.”
“I think I’ll stay,” she said, smiling at him. “This is a pretty comfortable chair.”
He closed his eyes. “I’m not joking, Sam. I don’t want you here.”
“Pretty annoying isn’t, it?” she asked. “Having somebody around who cares so damn much about you that they ignore what you want so they can do what’s best for you.”
“This isn’t the same. I’m not you.”
“No. Your hair isn’t pretty enough.”
“You think this is a joke?” he asked, pouring himself another drink.
“No,” she said softly. “I don’t think there’s anything funny about it. I’ve never seen you like this, not even when mom…” she trailed off, closing her eyes for a long moment. Her voice was shaky when she continued. “Not even when mom died. And it scares me, Don, this really scares me. I need you.”
“I can’t be who you need right now, Sam. Find somebody else.”
“You’re my brother,” she murmured. “I’m always gonna need you around.”
“Don’t you have somewhere you need to be or something?” he asked, staring past her out the window.
“No,” she answered, propping her feet up on the coffee table. “And unless you’re going to pick me up and actually throw me out I’m not leaving. You’re stuck with me.”
They sat in silence as the city continued to darken around them.
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“You’re sure that he’s coming?” Stella asked for what seemed like the thousandth time.
“He said he would be here,” Lindsay answered. “He promised to meet us here at seven. Danny even talked to him this morning.”
Danny nodded. “I’m sure he’ll be here any minute.”
Stella bit her lip, pacing the street in front of the restaurant. “Then where is he?”
“Maybe he’s stuck in traffic,” Lindsay suggested.
“Maybe he’s running late,” Danny said with a shrug.
“Aren’t you worried?” Stella demanded.
“Of course we are,” Danny said with a sigh. “We’re all worried about him, Stell.”
“Did you try to call him?” Lindsay suggested.
“He’s not answering,” Stella explained.
“So go over there,” Danny said.
Stella nodded slowly. “Maybe I should.” She looked back at the restaurant. “You already got a babysitter; you should go inside and have dinner.”
Danny shook his head. “And spend all our time worrying about him? We can do that at home.” He stepped into the street, flagging down a cab for Stella. “Call us, let us know he’s okay, alright?”
She nodded, slipping into the cab and giving the driver Flack’s address. Danny stepped back onto the sidewalk, wrapping his arms around Lindsay and kissing the top of her head.
“He’ll be okay,” he murmured.
She nodded. “He better be.”
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Don poured himself another drink, swallowing it as quickly as if it were water and putting the glass back on the table. His phone vibrated next to the bottle on the table and he ignored it, taking another drink instead.
His thoughts drifted as they always did to Jimmy, to the hazy mess of days between the shooting and the funeral. He could still hear the shots; see the look on Jimmy’s mother’s face during the funeral. He remembered her thanking him, actually thanking him for everything he’d done for her son.
It made him want to scream, some kind of awful joke. All he’d ever done for Jimmy was get him killed.
The phone started to vibrate again, this time falling off the table. Don kicked it across the room, not bothering to look at where it ended up.
His eyes were starting to close when he heard the knock on the door. He ignored it, hoping it would go away. He knew it wasn’t Sam, he couldn’t remember the last time she knocked, instead she just let herself in. It was too late for Jess, she’d be at home with Adam and the kid and Lindsay and Danny were waiting for him at dinner.
He hated lying to them but it was easier than seeing the pain and worry in their eyes. Easier than admitting how much he missed all of them, easier than admitting that he couldn’t stand to lose them.
“Don? Please let me in. I just want to see that you’re okay. Please,” Stella repeated.
He’d somehow known it would be her.
She knocked again, her tone pleading and he sighed. He didn’t want to cause her that pain, he wished she would just go away.
Finally he slowly moved to the door, opening it. He had to close his eyes against the relief in her eyes when she saw him. She resisted the urge to throw her arms around his neck, afraid of making things worse, and instead shifted from foot to foot in a rare show of nervousness.
“Can I come inside?” she asked quietly.
“Now really isn’t a good time,” he answered, still avoiding looking her in the eyes.
“You were supposed to come to dinner,” she said.
“Yeah,” he said, staring at his feet and absently kicking at the floor. “Sorry.”
“We were worried,” she continued.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
“Let me come in.”
He sighed. “I just want a drink, Stella, I want to be able to sit here and get drunk without a babysitter. Sam’s bad enough, I don’t need you too.”
“So pour me a drink,” she said.
“This isn’t what you want.”
“I don’t want to get in another cab and leave and go home and not sleep for another night because I’m so damn worried about you,” she said, her voice breaking.
He finally stepped back slowly, letting her into the apartment. He closed the door behind her, following her through the small space. She picked up a glass and poured herself a drink, swallowing slowly as he watched her.
He took a seat next to her after a minute, picking up his own glass.
They drank in silence, the darkness from outside seeping in around them.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered after they finished their third drinks.
“Me too,” she said softly, resting her head against the back of the couch and closing her eyes. “I’m so sorry that you’re in so much pain,” she said, her voice wavering. “I’m sorry that I can’t help you. I feel like I failed you so much, Don.”
“No,” he said, his voice harsh. “This is my bullshit, Stella. It’s not on you.”
She reached out for him then, finally closing the space that had been between them since he opened the door. It was a simple touch, just her soft fingers reaching out to stroke his cheek but it was almost comforting, for a minute. He closed his eyes, wishing he could sink into her touch and just stay there until everything faded away around him.
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Stella stopped by again the next night, this time with her arms full of groceries. Don stood in the doorway and stared at her with a questioning expression in his eyes.
She shrugged. “We have to eat, right?” she asked, pushing slowly past him on her way into the kitchen.
He followed her, watching her put groceries away in his almost empty kitchen. She cleaned things up as she went, throwing out milk that had gone bad. He fought the urge to actually join her in the kitchen, the small room suddenly seemed so warm and comfortable and alive. He stood on the other side of the doorway, watching, vaguely remembering a time not that long ago when she sat perched on one of the countertops while he cooked.
He shook his head, forcing his mind back to the present. Once she was done putting everything away she started wiping down the counters, tugging her hair back quickly and fastening it in a bun on top of her hair with a rubber band. She smiled at him nervously when she found him staring.
“Why don’t you get me a drink?” she asked, afraid that he would make her leave at any moment.
He moved through the apartment, filling two glasses and carrying them back. He sat hers down on the countertop nearest the door and leaned against the wall, swallowing his own drink quickly as Stella continued to work.
An hour later she was finished and the kitchen practically sparkled. She had paused occasionally to take small sips of her drink, watching Don out of the corner of her eyes as he moved around in the shadows of the doorway.
She stepped back and surveyed her work for a long moment, finishing her drink before moving back to the refrigerator.
“Do you want a sandwich?” she asked while she was rummaging around.
He shrugged and she continued to move around the kitchen, fixing them both a plate. She carried them over to the couch, setting his on the table in front of him as he refilled their glasses. She sank back into the cushions of the couch as she ate and sipped on her drink.
After awhile he picked up his sandwich and started slowly eating it. It was good, but then, Stella made it. She wasn’t neither the best nor most experienced cook, but it seemed like anything she did she did fantastically.
He caught her watching him finish the sandwich but she disappeared back into the kitchen with the plates.
“Why are you doing this?” he asked when she returned to the couch.
She looked at him for several moments before speaking. “Because I can’t do nothing,” she finally answered, her voice shaky and barely audible. “I figured this isn’t much, but it’s better than nothing.” She paused. “Are you going to make me leave now?”
He studied her and then pressed her empty glass back into her hands. “You want another drink?”
“Sure,” she said uncertainly, holding the glass out when he picked up the bottle.
“Then you should stay,” he said decisively as he filled the glass and sat back next to her.
“For how long?” she asked moments later, no longer worried about pushing too much.
“You want me to make you leave?” he asked, still studying her.
“No,” she whispered. “Don, please.”
“Why?” he pressed. “Tell me why you’re really here.”
“And you’ll let me stay?”
“Maybe,” he answered.
“After Frankie, after he died…after I killed him,” she corrected, “you didn’t leave me. Remember? No matter what, you wouldn’t leave, you were with me through the whole awful thing.”
“You don’t owe me for that,” he said, avoiding her eyes.
“Yes I do,” she said simply. “So I won’t leave you, just like you never left me.”
“It’s not the same.”
“I don’t think it’s all that different,” she said with a slight shrug. “And maybe you don’t want me here, or think that you need me here, but even if you throw me out, I’m going to keep coming back.”
He felt his eyes filling with tears and pushing himself unsteadily to his feet. “I’ll go find something for you to sleep in,” he said, quickly leaving the room.
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“I’ll get it,” Danny murmured when the door started to buzz in the middle of the movie he and Lindsay were watching.
“Sam,” he said with surprise when he opened the door. “Hi.”
“Hi,” she said, giving him a nervous smile. “Sorry for just showing up.”
“It’s fine,” he said. “What’s going on?”
She sighed. “Have you talked to my brother lately?” she asked, kicking at the floor with her toes
“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded. “I’ve been keeping in touch. Stella’s spending a lot of time with him too, she gives us little reports.”
Sam nodded. “Yeah, I know. It makes me worry a little less, you know? I know she’ll take care of him.” She sighed. “God, that sounds awful.”
He shook his head. “I know what you mean. I had a brother.”
“Right,” she said. “Listen, I’m like, the last person who should be doing this after everything, I know how fucked up it is, but I’ve…I’ve been giving him money to, you know, to live on and I’m know it’s enabling or whatever but I can’t just abandon him.” The words came out a rush and she didn’t breathe until after she was finished speaking.
“Hey, hey, calm down,” Danny said. “He’s your brother, it’s only natural. I would have done the same thing for my brother.”
She nodded. “I go and see him and he’s just there, you know? Like it almost doesn’t even feel like it’s him any more, like he’s not really there.” She shrugged. “And I guess I’m just scared that he’s never going to really be Don again. I just want my brother back.”
Danny sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I wish I could stand here and tell you that he’s gonna be fine, but honestly,” he shrugged. “I don’t know, Sam. I hope he is. Anything I tell you, though, about how strong he is, it’s just going to sound patronizing. All I can tell is that we’re all pulling for him, that any of us would do, will do, anything we can to help him.”
Sam nodded. “I guess that’s really the best I could hope for. I don’t know what I expected you to say.” She turned to the door. “I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t ruin your night.”
“You didn’t,” Danny said quickly. “And Sam, listen, this is just my opinion, no promises, no guarantees, nothing to back it up, but I really do think he’ll be okay. I’ve seen people so much weaker than your brother, with so much less than he has come back from worse than this.”
She gave him a weak smile. “Me too. Hell, I’ve been that person before.”
“Me too,” Danny murmured.
“And we turned out okay, didn’t we?”
Danny glanced back into the apartment where Lindsay was waiting for him. “Better than okay, I think.”
“So my brother will be fine then. He just needs to get over this.”
“I really believe that.”
She gave him a small wave as she stepped into the hallway. “Thanks Danny.”
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“Headed to Don’s again?” Mac asked when he ran into Stella in the hallway of her apartment building.
“Yeah,” she answered softly.
“I was hoping you’d have time for dinner with an old friend.”
Her smile was tired and sad. “Sometime soon,” she promised. “I’m sorry, I really need to go.”
“We miss you, you know,” he murmured. “I understand what you’re doing, Stella, and why you’re doing it, and I respect it.” He paused. “Just remember to take care of yourself, too, okay?”
She nodded. “Of course. Thank you.”
He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly to him.
“You’ll let me know if there’s anything I can do?” he asked.
She nodded.
“And you can tell Don that if he ever wants it back, he still has a job,” Mac added.
“How?” she whispered.
“It took some time, I had to call in some favors and it doesn’t come without strings. There are certain things he’ll have to prove.”
She nodded. “Thank you.”
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They fell into a sort of routine. Stella showed up every night after work, usually bringing some kind of carryout to try to get him to eat. They sat and drank together. Sometimes she got to talk to her in bits and pieces about the shooting and everything that came after. Most of the time they sat in silence next to each other.
She spent more nights in his bed than she did her own while he slept on the couch. She kept extra clothes in his closet and a bottle of her favorite shampoo in the shower.
“Here,” Don said, picking up a key ring off the table and handing it to her.
“What is it?” she asked, staring at the key.
He didn’t answer at first, finishing his drink and pouring himself another. “A key,” he finally said.
She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, unsure how he would take. “A key to what?”
“Here,” he answered. “A key to my apartment.”
She stared, first at the key and then at him. “Are you sure?” she breathed.
He shrugged. “I figure it just makes sense. This way I don’t have to wake up and let you in.”
She nodded. “Okay then.”
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“Mac,” Don said, surprised when he opened his door and found the older man standing there.
“Don,” Mac said with a nod. “Can I come in?”
“Uh, it’s not really a great time,” Don lied.
“It’s important. I need to talk to you.”
Don sighed. “About what?”
“About Stella.”
Don stopped cold at her name. “Did something happen to her?” he asked, his voice shaky.
“No,” Mac answered. “Not yet.”
“Not yet?” Don repeated. “What’s going on?”
“She’s not eating, not sleeping. She’s not herself anymore, just like you haven’t been yourself. She’s so worried about you that she’s not taking care of herself. Ever since I’ve known her, Stella’s always been special, she’s always had this spark that set her apart from everybody else and now that she’s spending all her time here with you, it’s gone. You took that from her.”
Don let out a breath he hadn’t even known he was holding. “Then I’ll make her leave. Problem solved.”
“It’s not that simple,” Mac sighed.
“Then what do you want from me?” Don demanded.
“Do you really want to help her?”
Don hesitated before answering. “I’m not sure I can.”
“If you really want to help her,” Mac explained, “you need to let her in. Let her help you. Not sit here and get drunk with you every night, let her help you, actually help you. It’s the only way she’ll stop. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter what you do or say. She’ll keep showing up here every night, even if you never let her inside again.”
Don was silent, the words slowly sinking in. “I never meant to hurt her.”
“I know. But that’s the thing about Stella. She’ll hold onto you, never let you go, even if you fall and pull her down with you. She’ll hold on until you drown her.”
“Don’t let that happen,” Don whispered.
Mac gave him a defeated smile. “It’s not up to me.”
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“We have to talk.”
Stella tensed at the words, spoken as soon as she let herself into Don’s apartment. “I got pasta tonight,” she said, holding up the containers of take out and ignoring him.
“Stella,” he said firmly.
“Don’t make me leave,” she said, a pleading tone in her voice, her face crumpling when she spoke. “Don, please.”
He shook his head. “I’m not good for you.”
“Don,” she repeated.
“I screwed up,” he said, his voice soft.
“What?” she asked, dropping the take out by the door and stepping fully into the room.
“With Jimmy. I screwed up, Stell.”
“Don, what happened that day, it wasn’t your fault. I know you blame yourself, but there wasn’t anything you could have done differently.”
“Not just that day,” he sighed, shaking his head. “I never gave him a chance.” He stared at his hands. “It’s not just that he died on my watch, Stella. The whole time he was alive, I spent all my time resenting him. I never got to know him.”
“That’s not true,” she protested.
“I should have been teaching him. I should have been helping him become a better cop. Maybe it would have made a difference, and maybe it wouldn’t have, but at least I would have been doing my job.” Tears slowly started to roll down his cheeks. “I owed him that much,” he said as he started to cry.
Stella pulled him into her arms, rubbing his back as he buried his face against her neck, tears warm against her skin. She carefully lowered both of their bodies onto the couch, stretching out underneath him and holding onto him tightly.
“Oh Don,” she murmured, her voice thick with pain. “Shhh.”
He gripped her tightly, holding on to her and clinging desperately. He cried more than he thought he’d ever cried in his life, crying until he was completely exhausted and fell asleep in her arms.
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“Wow,” Sam said, stopping in the middle of the room and staring around the apartment after letting herself into Don’s. “You…cleaned.”
“Stella cleaned,” he explained. “I guess she needed a project.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” she said as she hung her coat up, “but I was kind of under the impression that you were her project.”
“Yeah,” he said with a sad smile. “I guess I have been. Listen, Sam, that’s kind of why I called you.”
She nodded, moving to the chair and perching on the edge of it, watching him nervously. “Figured you had a reason.”
“I know I haven’t been a great brother lately,” he sighed. “Or even a good brother. I’m lucky you even still answer when I call.”
She gave him a rueful look. “Let’s be honest here, Don. I’ve done a lot worse than you ever even dreamed of.”
He shook his head. “Don’t sell yourself short like that.”
She smiled, hopeful this time. “You almost sound like the brother I know again.”
He nodded. “I know it’s gonna take some time, but I hope I’ll be that guy again eventually. I’m gonna start therapy, Sam, I’m gonna try to go back to my job.” He took a deep breath. “I know it won’t be easy but I don’t know, I guess I’m just hoping I can put my life back together.”
“I’m glad,” she said softly.
“I know that it isn’t anything like what you had to face, Sam, but I gotta tell you, I have so much respect for you right now, for everything you’ve come through. I’m so proud of you.”
She grinned at him. “You’re getting all soft on me Donnie.”
He shrugged. “I’m your big brother. I’m allowed a moment from time to time.” He pulled her into a tight hug and when he pulled back she had tears in her eyes.
“Sorry,” she whispered, wiping them quickly. “I was just really scared, Don. I don’t know what would happen to me if I ever lost you.”
“I don’t ever want you to feel that way again,” he murmured. “I hope I don’t ever give you a reason to.”
“You better not,” she said sternly.
He glanced around the apartment. “I really owe Stella so much for all of this. Not just this,” he said, gesturing around the space. “I don’t know where I would be without her. How do I ever pay her back?”
“I think she probably just wants you to get better. That’s all any of us want.”
He reached out and squeezed her hand. “I’m trying.”
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“Hey,” Stella said, feeling suddenly awkward and nervous when Don opened the door and ushered her inside of the apartment.
“Hey,” he murmured. “Thanks for coming.”
She smiled at him. “How are you? How’s uh, how’s the therapy going?”
He shrugged. “It’s tough. I think it’s helping though. That’s why I called, it’s why I wanted to see you.”
“Oh?” she asked, trying to mask her nervousness.
“I was hoping you’d stay for dinner,” he explained. “Let me cook for you. It’s really the least I can do after everything you did for me.”
“You don’t have to do anything for me, Don. I was just being your friend.”
“I know,” he nodded. “I really want to show you how much I appreciate it though, Stella. It’s important to me.”
She hugged him tenderly but held on to him tightly for an extended moment. “I’m just glad you’re feeling better.”
“I am, thanks to you. And if I don’t get started on that dinner, we’ll never get to eat.”
She laughed, following him into the kitchen.
“You want to get us a couple of glasses?” he asked, nodding to one of the cabinets as he started moving around the kitchen.
She opened the cabinet, the same space that had only weeks ago held bottles of whiskey and was now filled with sparkling clean dishes. She smiled to herself, breathing another sigh of relief as she pulled down two glasses for them and turned back to him.
“What are you making me?” she asked.
“Chicken parm,” he murmured. “I make the best one you’ve ever had.”
“Is that a guarantee?” she asked.
“It is,” he answered. “There’s wine if you want some,” he added, nodding behind him. “Unless it makes you uncomfortable after…everything that happened.”
“No,” she said. “It doesn’t. Unless it would make you uncomfortable.”
“It’s actually something we’ve talked a lot about in my therapy.” He shrugged. “I’m laying off anything hard for the time being. I thought maybe after Sam, everything she went through, I thought about going to rehab but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be an issue. But I understand if it makes you nervous.” He shook his head. “It was a stupid suggestion. Forget about it.”
She walked over the rack of wine bottles, studying the labels. She pulled one down, inspecting it before holding it up. “How does this look?” she asked.
“I trust your judgment,” he said with a small smile.
She picked up their glasses, filling them both halfway and handing one to him. “So how is therapy going?” she asked. “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to,” she added quickly.
“It’s tough,” he admitted. “I think it’s helping though. No,” he corrected. “I know it’s helping.”
She reached out to squeeze his hand. “I’m glad,” she said softly.
“I’m going to try to go back to work soon.”
“Yeah?” she asked.
“Yeah. I’ll be working a desk for awhile, but I think that will be good. I hope. I really hope I can do it, Stella.”
She nodded. “Me too. And remember, you don’t have to do any of this alone.”
“I know. Thank you Stella. For everything. I can never thank you enough.”
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“You know you don’t have to do this,” Don said. “Really, Stella, you’ve done so much for me, I’m supposed to be paying you back, remember?”
“I thought we decided we were even,” she murmured.
“So that means clearly you should be stopping by to make me breakfast,” he said.
“Exactly,” she said with a smile. “Listen, I know how big today is for you. I just want to help.”
He nodded. “I feel a little bit like a kindergartener you’re sending off to school for the first day,” he said as she handed him a glass of juice and put the plate in front of him.
“If you’re implying that I’m old enough to be your mother then you’re not getting any more pancakes,” she said, pointing the spatula at him.
“Trust me, Stell, you are definitely not my mother.”
She smiled to herself, silently cleaning up the kitchen as he ate. “Are you nervous?”
He shrugged. “Figure I will be when I get there.”
She nodded. “You can do this Don.”
“I hope so.”
She reached out to rest her hand on his arm. “We’re all gonna be there for you, you know that, right?”
“Yeah,” he said, covering her hand with his own hand, holding it there. “I’m trying to just take it one step at a time. Get there, get through today, then focus on tomorrow.”
She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. “You want me to call Mac, tell him I’ll be late? We could go together.”
He shook his head. “No, go ahead. I’ll see you there, right?”
“Yeah,” she said. “Come up to the lab when you get a chance, and I’ll come down to see you. We’ll have lunch together.”
He nodded. “Sounds good.”
She pulled away slowly, reaching up to cup his face. “If you need anything, call me. Promise, Don.”
“I promise,” he murmured.
“Okay,” she said quietly, stepping back and picking up her jacket. “So I’ll see you in a few hours.”
“Yeah,” he said, his eyes on hers. “I’ll see you there.”
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Jess slowed her walk towards the building when she saw Don standing at the corner.
“I gotta let you go Adam,” she murmured into the phone. “I’ll find you at lunch.” She dropped the phone into her bag and stepped up next to Don.
“Hey partner,” she said.
“Hi,” he said, giving her a tight smile.
“Feels weird, doesn’t it, coming back?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he nodded.
“I know it’s not the same, I’m not trying to say it is, I just, I remember how weird it felt the first time I came back. Adam had to come out and get me and walk me in and then I spent two hours crying in the bathroom. Stupid hormones,” she muttered. “I’m really glad you’re back, by the way. Adam is too. He feels better, knowing you’re gonna be watching my back.”
Don swallowed. “Not for awhile.”
She shrugged. “Trust me, the desk isn’t so bad.”
“What if I can’t do it?” he asked, his mouth dry. “This, what if I can’t do it?”
“How do you know until you try?”
“You sound like a mom.”
She smiled. “I am a mom.”
He nodded. “You’re gonna be a really great one, Jess.”
“I hope so. Now are you ready to go inside and be my partner again?”
He took a deep breath. “Yeah. I think I am.”
He walked slowly forward, Jess at his side the entire time, her strides slowed to match his. He hesitated at the doors, taking a deep breath before opening them and stepping inside.
Jess gave him an encouraging smile as they made their way through the building and he tried to tell himself that he was imagining every one staring at him as they walked.
“You okay?” Jess asked softly when they stepped into the squad room.
He swallowed slowly. “Yeah,” he nodded, taking it all in. The place seemed unchanged by his absence. He wasn’t sure what he thought would be different, exactly, but it felt like something should be.
He followed Jess across the room to their desks. He stared at his, each and every object almost achingly familiar and untouched.
Jess watched him nervously, standing next to her own desk. “The guy they stuck with me to partner while you were gone, I wouldn’t let him touch anything, I told him that my partner was coming back.”
Don nodded.
“You want some coffee or something?” Jess asked, still studying his face.
“No,” he said, shaking his head, slowly sinking into his chair.
When he looked up Jess was still watching him, perched awkwardly between his desk and her own.
“I just need a minute, you know?”
She nodded. “Yeah. I’m hovering. Sorry.”
“It’s kind of understandable after everything.”
“Still,” she said, taking a seat at her desk, “I’ll try to avoid it.”
He nodded absently. “Thanks.”
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He waited downstairs for an hour, trying to get comfortable at his desk before heading upstairs to the lab. He saw Lindsay as soon as he stepped off the elevator, her face lighting up when she saw him.
“Hi,” she said, throwing her arms around him. “It’s so good to have you back.”
“Thanks,” he murmured, hugging her gently.
“You have to come by the house soon, Emma’s so big now, you wouldn’t believe it.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, Lindsay, I promise I will.” He glanced through the lab. “Is Stella here?”
Lindsay nodded. “She’s in DNA with Adam.”
“Maybe I should come back later.”
“No,” Lindsay insisted. “She’ll be mad at both of us if she finds out you were up here and she didn’t see you.”
“True,” he admitted.
“You want me to go with you?”
“Nah,” he said, shaking his head. “I gotta get to used to doing things on my own again, you know?”
“Yeah,” she said softly. “I’ll see you later then?”
He nodded, walking down the hall. He paused outside the lab, watching Stella, the way she frowned as she stared at the evidence she and Adam were studying.
He knocked lightly on the door as he entered the room and they both turned to face him. Stella’s eyes lit up when she saw him and Adam smiled.
“Hey,” she said softly.
“Hey,” Don murmured. “Hi Adam,” he added.
“Hi,” Adam said. He glanced between the two of them. “Good to have you back, man. Jessie and I….” he trailed off, “I relax a little more, knowing that whatever she’s walking into, you’re going in there with her.”
Don nodded. “I’ll do my best to keep her safe.”
“I know,” Adam said simply. “I’ll go finish up those tests,” he said to Stella. “Find me later?”
She nodded, smiling nervously. “Thanks Adam.”
Don and Stella were silent as he left, exchanging uncertain glances.
“How is it so far?” she asked when they were alone.
“Strange,” he admitted. “I’m not sure if it’s bad, or good, but it’s strange.” He shrugged. “Feels weird just being here and I feel like I’m so different but everything’s the same.” He shrugged again. “I sound like someone who’s been in therapy for way too long.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Just don’t push yourself too hard, okay?”
“Yeah, I don’t really think there’s much danger of that happening. Jess is watching me like a hawk.”
“Good,” she said. “Not that you need someone watching you,” she added, blushing. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“No,” he said. “I do. You more than anyone should know that.”
“Just give yourself a break, Don. Let it feel strange for awhile. It won’t always be like this.”
He nodded. “That’s what I keep telling myself.” He gave her a small smile. “At least being back here, being with all of you, it feels better than sitting around my apartment.”
“Good,” she said. “I’m glad.”
“I should get back downstairs,” he said. “Let you get back to work.”
She hugged him before he could move towards the door. “I know you’ve heard it a million times today, but I’m ready glad you’re back.”
He resisted the urge to bury his face in her hair and hesitated before speaking. “Me too.”
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“Thanks for coming with me,” Don said softly when he and Stella got out of the cab in front of the restaurant.
She smiled. “Really, it’s no problem. It’s not like we weren’t both going to the same place.”
“Right,” he said.
“Listen,” she said quickly, “it was your first day back, if you’re not up to this, everybody’s going to understand.”
He shook his head. “I want to go. I want to try to have a nice normal dinner with friends.”
She reached out, taking his hand in hers and squeezing reassuringly. “Then let’s have dinner.”
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Don was surprised by how relaxed he felt during dinner. Surrounded by all his friends, with Stella’s hand resting reassuringly on the back of his chair, he laughed for the first time in months.
Danny, Lindsay, Adam and Jess had to go first, explaining the need to get home and relieve babysitters.
“I missed you man,” Danny said softly to him as they embraced. “Don’t ever pull a stunt like that again.”
Eventually it was just Don, Mac, and Stella sitting around the mostly empty table and Don found that he was reluctant to leave.
“We should probably go,” Don murmured. “Nobody wants to stay too late at their own party, right?”
Stella smiled warmly at him. “Let me run and use the restroom and I’ll be ready to go.”
He nodded as she left the table, making her way across the room.
Don was silent for a moment, collecting his thoughts before speaking. “I don’t know how to thank you,” he finally said.
“You don’t have to thank me,” Mac said.
“What you said to me,” Don said, pausing again, “it was what I needed to hear.”
Mac nodded. “I’m glad it helped it. I did it for purely selfish reasons.”
“You were worried about Stella,” Don said with a shrug. “I don’t think that’s entirely selfish.”
“Maybe not,” Mac said softly.
“Doesn’t matter why you did it anyway,” Don said. “It just matters that you said it, cause it you hadn’t….I’d probably still be in that hole.”
Mac nodded, standing up. “I’m glad you’re back, Don.”
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Stella saw Don as soon as she ducked under the crime scene tape. He and Jess were huddled together and she slowly made her way over to them. Jess filled her in on the particulars of the case and Stella started working.
She didn’t talk to them again until she was finishing up. She was packing up her case when Don knelt down next to her.
“Find anything?” he asked.
“Not much,” she admitted. “I’ll take it back to the lab, have Adam run some tests, work his magic.”
He nodded.
“It’s good to have you back out here,” she said quietly after a moment. “Your first time back in the field, right?”
He nodded. “Feels good to be back.”
She smiled at him, resting her hand on his arm and he tried to brush off the warmth that spread through his body at her touch.
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“I think I’m in love with Stella.”
Danny almost dropped the cup of coffee he was holding. “Excuse me?” he asked.
Don sighed. “I think I might be in love with Stella.”
“Wow,” Danny murmured. “That’s big.”
Don nodded. “At first I thought it was just, you know, related to everything she did for me. Like, it was gratitude or something.”
“But you don’t think so any more?”
“I started talking about it in therapy. Exploring my feelings.”
“And that led you to think you’re in love with her?” Danny asked.
“Yeah,” Don answered.
“Wow,” Danny said again.
“Yeah,” Don agreed.
“This’ll make Lindsay happy.”
“That’s why I came to you, Danny, cause I knew you’d help me work this out without thinking about it could possibly benefit you.”
Danny shrugged. “I’m just saying…”
“You’re just saying that me being in love with Stella might be something you can use to get laid.”
Danny shrugged again. “I think you should go for it with Stella. Tell her how you feel.”
“You think so?”
Danny nodded. “Lindsay always knew the two of you would get together some day. Stella might feel the same way. She went through hell when you were…after Jimmy died.”
“Yeah, I know,” Don said softly.
“Listen, just talk to her,” Danny advised.
“I’m scared I’ll lose her.”
“I think you’ll lose her anyway, if you do nothing, you know?”
Don hung his head. “Yeah. I know.”
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Stella had happily agreed when Don asked her to come over for a movie night. She picked up take out from her favorite place and they ate on the couch, watching the first of many movies.
“I made dessert,” he said, standing up and moving into the kitchen. He returned with two plates of chocolate cake.
“Wow,” she said, smiling brightly. “Looks delicious.” She took a bite. “This is so good, Don.”
He gave her a nervous smile. “Well, I figured since you brought dinner, I’d take care of dessert.”
After they finished and stated movie number two he handed her a blanket and she wrapped it around her body, curling up next to him. He tried to fight the nervousness that seemed to grow the closer she got.
“Can I talk to you?” he asked, trying to swallow.
“Of course,” she said, sitting back so she could look at him.
“I, uh, I, Stella, I hope you know how much you mean to me.”
She smiled warmly. “I do.”
He nodded. “It’s more than that, though. I realized, everything that happened, it made me realize that I have feelings for you, Stella. More than just feelings. I love you.”
“Really?” she whispered.
“Yeah,” he sighed. “And I know I’m a mess and you deserve so much more than that, so much more than I might ever be…”
He trailed off when she moved closer, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her lips softly to his.
When she pulled back she held his face in her hands, fingers lightly tracing his skin. “I love you too,” she whispered.
It was his turn to kiss her then, hungrily, pouring all of the passion he’d discovered for her into the kiss. They pulled apart slowly, kissing softly again before finally separating.
He felt like he was breathing for the first time since she got there as she curled up in his arms, resting her head on his chest.
“We should take things slow,” he murmured, resting his chin on the top of her head.
She nodded. “Okay.”
“I want to do this right.”
“Me too.” Her hand rested on his arm, rubbing slow circles over his skin. “I’m in this for the long haul, Don.”
“Me too,” he whispered.
They fell asleep that way, eventually, as the movies played on. She fell asleep first, her breathing slow and even and possibly the sweetest sound he’d ever heard. He finally felt whole again, complete, after everything, with her in his arms. He finally found peace, safety again. And then, he slept.