on being awesome... and other variables to existence
i feel really alive for about four days a week on average. the other three i just feel like i'm going through the motions. i assume that other people go through the same things (the motions and whatnot). i guess that i don't want to just be living for those four days. see, there's this philosopher, john rawls, that says that everybody will live for the middle ground, meaning that we'll aim for whatever results in the most pleasure while experiencing the least amount of pain. maybe i'm going wrong because i'm living for the middle ground - but i guess i don't feel like i'm living for the middle ground and that's what's getting me in all this trouble (mostly unnecessary pain). see, it's so easy for me to get overly emotional and start to create fantasies that become my reality. i imagine that all of my relationships should go this certain fantastic way. i make up crazy romantic plans to court girls that i don't even know. i get caught up thinking in french and not paying any attention to how my class is going. i drift off and daydream about being in haiti or hiking through the upper peninsula. i write a poem that sucks me in. see, that's the problem is that i'm so passionate about everything that i do. maybe it just doesn't come off that way, but i'm passionate about it all.
i really wanted to sing last night - sing some awesome harmonies. kris, sarah, john and i did some sweet harmonies during church while we played during worship and it inspired me... or rather made me want to do more. later, we watched sarah and john's other band tear it up at magdalena's. it was pretty tight and choice. finally, kris and i decided to just chill and talk to vicky about how he and i are snugglewhores and that guys are lame when it comes to picking up girls. but vicky reminded me of how much i don't trust girls. see, girls get caught up in their power. once they realize that they can get a guy, they'll play around with him and then break his heart. and, anyhow, when they can't get a guy, they make it into a game to try and get him. girls are clearly shady. that's why i advocate being straight up. just tell people how you feel, get it over with and then you both can move on in some direction.
i called emily on random intuition last night. she was already getting high at 10ish. she's supposed to call me for coffee this weekend, though. ok, i know that dating her was a mistake but there's something about somebody that's willing to go to haiti and live that makes me what to date them. especially when they're as fun as emily can be when she's not smoking down. i'm going to try to make coffee fun - it should be no matter what.
finally, i'm 21 and i don't feel like i'm totally secure with myself. maybe it's just my latent perfectionism looming, but i feel like i'm not who i want to be. nonetheless, there have been these pure moments of fun. those are what i love... and they've been coming often. it's weird... but i like it.
i really wanted to sing last night - sing some awesome harmonies. kris, sarah, john and i did some sweet harmonies during church while we played during worship and it inspired me... or rather made me want to do more. later, we watched sarah and john's other band tear it up at magdalena's. it was pretty tight and choice. finally, kris and i decided to just chill and talk to vicky about how he and i are snugglewhores and that guys are lame when it comes to picking up girls. but vicky reminded me of how much i don't trust girls. see, girls get caught up in their power. once they realize that they can get a guy, they'll play around with him and then break his heart. and, anyhow, when they can't get a guy, they make it into a game to try and get him. girls are clearly shady. that's why i advocate being straight up. just tell people how you feel, get it over with and then you both can move on in some direction.
i called emily on random intuition last night. she was already getting high at 10ish. she's supposed to call me for coffee this weekend, though. ok, i know that dating her was a mistake but there's something about somebody that's willing to go to haiti and live that makes me what to date them. especially when they're as fun as emily can be when she's not smoking down. i'm going to try to make coffee fun - it should be no matter what.
finally, i'm 21 and i don't feel like i'm totally secure with myself. maybe it's just my latent perfectionism looming, but i feel like i'm not who i want to be. nonetheless, there have been these pure moments of fun. those are what i love... and they've been coming often. it's weird... but i like it.