I Think Too Much: Respect and Growth
It's always nice to have a cozy cuddle, especially when it's really cold and several layers of blankets don't help. But, even then, when I'm sleeping by myself, when I can move around as much as I can in bed during the night, when I wake up in the middle of the night and read on my laptop, and when I wake up alone in the morning... I'm okay with that. I think that this is the first step in being okay with being alone, in respecting myself enough to be alone and to spend time with myself, to respect myself to deal with myself (we all know I love to do that, right?), and respecting - and most importantly, loving- myself enough to be okay with not having a significant other for support on anything.
I've grown to like being alone, to have time for myself, and to think that this is good... this is what I needed. My relationship with my mom, my friends, and myself has grown exponentially, and that's exactly what I needed. I know what to look for, I know what I want in life, and even though it seems like the light at the end of the tunnel (because I am seeing it now) seems like it's hundred's of miles away, the light is still there and I've grown to trust that it's not going away... it's going to wait for me to travel all of those miles. And I have to travel those miles on my own.
Grant it, company is appreciated, but the journey is mine.
If I get to the point where I want to be in a relationship again, and I find myself saying that I need my significant other to do this journey with me, I have to realize that I have to put my big girl undies on and walk away from that relationship. Sooner rather than later. This cannot happen again and I will not let it happen. I've learned, I've grown, and god damn, I deserve the best that I can get.
...but no one but me will give me that.
Why am I so happy? Is it a fake happy? Am I making myself feel this happy because I'm still sad about a (although good) loss? I feel happy. Don't get me wrong, I get cranky and have bad days and I'm extremely stressed, but I'm happy. I can do what I want, whenever I want without judgement. My house stays clean all of the time. I wake up to my own moods and don't get affected by someone else's crappy mood in the morning. I have the energy to train, go to school, and work overtime because I'm not always emotionally drained... The only thing I lost was an extra body in the house, and for that I have a dog.
So far, there has been no relapses on anything, no bouts of horrible depression/anxiety, or anything like that. There has been a lot of training, schooling, work, self-reflection, and growth. A lot of people were suggesting 12-step programs for my alcohol use... I cut those steps to one, and that one step was to get rid of a bad relationship.
Hey, living by myself isn't as bad as I thought it was. It's quite... liberating...
I've grown to like being alone, to have time for myself, and to think that this is good... this is what I needed. My relationship with my mom, my friends, and myself has grown exponentially, and that's exactly what I needed. I know what to look for, I know what I want in life, and even though it seems like the light at the end of the tunnel (because I am seeing it now) seems like it's hundred's of miles away, the light is still there and I've grown to trust that it's not going away... it's going to wait for me to travel all of those miles. And I have to travel those miles on my own.
Grant it, company is appreciated, but the journey is mine.
If I get to the point where I want to be in a relationship again, and I find myself saying that I need my significant other to do this journey with me, I have to realize that I have to put my big girl undies on and walk away from that relationship. Sooner rather than later. This cannot happen again and I will not let it happen. I've learned, I've grown, and god damn, I deserve the best that I can get.
...but no one but me will give me that.
Why am I so happy? Is it a fake happy? Am I making myself feel this happy because I'm still sad about a (although good) loss? I feel happy. Don't get me wrong, I get cranky and have bad days and I'm extremely stressed, but I'm happy. I can do what I want, whenever I want without judgement. My house stays clean all of the time. I wake up to my own moods and don't get affected by someone else's crappy mood in the morning. I have the energy to train, go to school, and work overtime because I'm not always emotionally drained... The only thing I lost was an extra body in the house, and for that I have a dog.
So far, there has been no relapses on anything, no bouts of horrible depression/anxiety, or anything like that. There has been a lot of training, schooling, work, self-reflection, and growth. A lot of people were suggesting 12-step programs for my alcohol use... I cut those steps to one, and that one step was to get rid of a bad relationship.
Hey, living by myself isn't as bad as I thought it was. It's quite... liberating...