I've thrown up twice today... what three more going to hurt??
I hung out with Joel late lastnight. Which was kickass. I love hanging with that guy. I can tell him just about anything. He saved my life lastnight though. My sister still hates me or something, I dunno. But, she enlisted in my help for cleaning her classroom. Which being the nice person that I am, I went to help. Well, Joel has timing! He came to the rescue!! Thank god. I don't think I would've been the same person if I stayed there much longer. I probably would've became meaner, more agressive, or something.
There's so many things I wanna say to ppl, but I'm so scared they won't understand. Especially arts kids. Rumors went around, and none... NONE of them were close to the truth. I want to go back and correct everything. Or atleast correct the rumors. Or DO SOMETHING!!!!! Jesus. I don't even remember if Joel knows the whole truth. There's SO MANY things I want to tell him. I just can't fine the right time to tell him.And/or I don't want to cry either. I'm not really worried about him seeing me cry. He's seen me cry before. The day Lee came to Arts to say goodbye, and my photographs of him came out beautiful. I went to Humanities BAWLING!!! Well, not really, but damn close. I don''t know if he'd know what to do. There's nothing you really can do, I guess. But, I don't like crying. Especially infront of someone, and especially infront of someone I care about... a lot. And, not in that way folks. Joely is too much of a older, much wiser brother, than anything. He's only a year older than me but still, he's wise beyond his years. God, I think I'm going to be sick. This has to come out ... soon. But, I'm so scared that he won't understand. And, I don't want to sound like I'm completly falling apart on him. Because I'm not. And, about the whole understanding thing. He's never had to deal with this addiction shit. And, he'll try his damndest ( I know that, that's not a word but I don't give a fuck) to try to understand. But, is that going to be enough? Maybe I should write him a letter, or email or something. I DON'T KNOW BUT I HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!!!! It's really starting to get to me. I don't know. What I do know is, that I have to tell him. I don't know when, where or how. I just don't want to cry. And, it's things like this that make me think twice. Do I risk it all?? For what exactly? His somewhat understanding? See.... SEE?? See what I mean? I'm sooooo confused! I hate it!! Why does life have to throw these semi curve balls? It makes me think... hardcore. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'll figure it out, I guess. I still think I'm going to be sick!!
There's so many things I wanna say to ppl, but I'm so scared they won't understand. Especially arts kids. Rumors went around, and none... NONE of them were close to the truth. I want to go back and correct everything. Or atleast correct the rumors. Or DO SOMETHING!!!!! Jesus. I don't even remember if Joel knows the whole truth. There's SO MANY things I want to tell him. I just can't fine the right time to tell him.And/or I don't want to cry either. I'm not really worried about him seeing me cry. He's seen me cry before. The day Lee came to Arts to say goodbye, and my photographs of him came out beautiful. I went to Humanities BAWLING!!! Well, not really, but damn close. I don''t know if he'd know what to do. There's nothing you really can do, I guess. But, I don't like crying. Especially infront of someone, and especially infront of someone I care about... a lot. And, not in that way folks. Joely is too much of a older, much wiser brother, than anything. He's only a year older than me but still, he's wise beyond his years. God, I think I'm going to be sick. This has to come out ... soon. But, I'm so scared that he won't understand. And, I don't want to sound like I'm completly falling apart on him. Because I'm not. And, about the whole understanding thing. He's never had to deal with this addiction shit. And, he'll try his damndest ( I know that, that's not a word but I don't give a fuck) to try to understand. But, is that going to be enough? Maybe I should write him a letter, or email or something. I DON'T KNOW BUT I HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!!!! It's really starting to get to me. I don't know. What I do know is, that I have to tell him. I don't know when, where or how. I just don't want to cry. And, it's things like this that make me think twice. Do I risk it all?? For what exactly? His somewhat understanding? See.... SEE?? See what I mean? I'm sooooo confused! I hate it!! Why does life have to throw these semi curve balls? It makes me think... hardcore. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'll figure it out, I guess. I still think I'm going to be sick!!