Dreaming With My Eyes Wide Open
I'm so afraid to close my eyes;
Afraid that I'll find
That this lovely thrill
Is just a silly illusion
“Hey Monte have you seen Adam?” asked Tommy as he was passing Monte in the hall.
“Hey Tommy, I haven’t seen him since we got here” replied Monte, “damn stupid protestors. I swear one day I’m going to hurt them and I won’t be held responsible for my actions”
Tommy smirked. Monte’s protectiveness over Adam was cute. He could definitely see how they had stayed friends all of these years. Just then Allison walked over to them.
“I saw Adam go into that room over there, maybe 20 minutes ago”, said Allison pointing to a room at the end of the hall. The door was closed.
“Thanks baby girl”, said Tommy kissing her on the forehead, “I’m going to go and see if he’s okay”
“Good luck” said Allison as her and Monte watched Tommy walk down the hall.
Hey Adam, are you okay” said Tommy softly as he slowly walked into the room. He spotted Adam sitting by himself in the back corner. Hunched over and knees pulled up to his chest. He looked so much younger like that, more vulnerable. It sent Tommy’s protective streak into overdrive. He hated this. That someone had broken Adam’s optimistic, happy-go-lucky spirit and replaced it with an insecure boy.
Tommy went over and sat down beside Adam. Adam lifted his head up momentarily, his bloodshot eyes acknowledging Tommy’s presence, before quickly casting his eyes back to the ground.
“Leave me alone” said Adam, his voice wavering a little as he spoke, “I’m fine”
“You know that would be a whole lot more believable if you didn’t have streaks of mascara on your cheeks” quipped Tommy.
“Damn it”, exclaimed Adam, “it’s supposed to be waterproof!”
Tommy gave a short laugh before turning back to the situation at hand.
“Talk to me babyboy” he said, pulling Adam into a comforting embrace.
“I can’t” said Adam
“Why not?” said Tommy, “tell me how your feeling?”
“That’s just it” exclaimed Adam moving away from Tommy, “I don’t know how I’m feeling!”
“Well your obviously upset” said Tommy, “start with that”
“I’m upset, I’m frustrated, I’m angry, I’m tired” exclaimed Adam his voice rising with each word. “God Tommy, those people outside don’t even know me and they hate me. I’m just so over it. I’m over having to constantly prove to people that I’m a good person. I’m tired of people who don’t even know me judging me and I hate that there’s more to me than my sexuality and yet people don’t see that. I want to be Adam Lambert singing superstar not Adam Lambert Gay Messiah!”
Adam stopped his rant, feeling the overwhelming weight of all the emotions at once. The dam broke and released a fresh wave of tears. Tommy quickly scooted over to Adam and wrapped him in a tight embrace. “shh, just let it out” he soothed as he rocked Adam back and forth.
Tommy was surprised by these turn of events. He had never seen Adam this upset. Adam had a way of bottling up his emotions and channelling them into his music instead. Perhaps, thought Tommy, that this is a good thing. He’s dealing with his feelings instead of projecting them onto another situation. They stayed like that for a few minutes before Tommy tilted Adam’s face towards him. Adam averted his eyes, ashamed of losing control like that.
“Hey, look at me”, said Tommy in a soft but stern voice. He waited until he had Adam’s attention. “There are like 2000 people out there Adam. 2000 people who love you, who have travelled all over the country, even the world, for you. They love your voice, your music, your personality, your fashion, even your twats” Adam let out a small giggle at the last one causing Tommy to grin. He could tell he was getting through to Adam. “They’re the people that you should be worried about. Just being yourself is good enough for them. They’re the ones who stood by you throughout the idol experience, they are the people who stood up for you after the AMA’s controversy, they are the ones who are on twitter right now sending you tweets of support, hoping that you’re okay. Those people matter, Adam. Those ignorant bastards outside don’t. Those protesters, they are scared Adam. Your sexuality scares them because it goes against everything they believe in. Its not right, and I know it hurts, but you can’t change their attitude Adam. You can’t always please everyone. There is always going to be someone there ready to tear you down, but for every person like that, there are 1000 people who love you and everything your represent. Focus on that. Go out on that stage and show these people that Love is stronger than Hate. Show them that it’s okay to be yourself even when people tell you that who you are is wrong.”
“I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that Tommy” whispered Adam in a defeated tone.
“You are the strongest person I know” said Tommy, “You’re also the bravest, most talented, sweetest person I know too.”
Adam gave Tommy a shy smile. Something that should look out of place on Adam’s face but Tommy knew that this was the real Adam’s smile. That underneath his confident exterior and all the clothes and makeup, there still existed this insecure, shy, awkward man. It made Tommy love Adam even more.
“Thanks Tommy” said Adam, “I needed that”
“You’re welcome baby boy” said Tommy, “now come on lets go get that makeup fixed so you can go out there and kill it on stage!”
Adam laughed, wiping the leftover tears away from his eyes. “I don’t know what I would do without a friend like you” said Adam as the two of them began walking out of the room.
Tommy flinched. There was the friend word. Lately he hated that word. Friend didn’t describe the connection between him and Adam. Tommy wasn’t sure how it happened but lately he’d been thinking about Adam in a non-platonic way. Tommy didn’t know what that meant. That he was dreaming about kissing Adam and making love to him. He wasn’t even sure if he was gay. He loved women and he found them attractive. Adam was the first guy to ever make him feel like this. To stir up all these feelings inside of him. Tommy wasn’t sure what to do about these feelings. Adam thought Tommy was straight. Sure they flirted and shared kisses on stage, but Adam would never cross the line in their friendship. If only Adam knew how much Tommy wanted him to cross it.
“Hey Tommy, you okay?” asked Adam, “you zoned out on me for a minute there”
Tommy shook himself out of his trance and turned to Adam smiling softly. “I’m fine” he assured Adam. Adam gave him a questioning look but left it alone. They arrived outside Adam’s dressing room.
“Okay well this is me” said Adam, “you should probably start getting ready too” He gave Tommy a quick peck on the cheek before disappearing into the room.
Tommy stood outside the door and raised his hand to cheek, fingers stroking the spot where Adam’s lips just touched. He had to let Adam know how he felt. He just hoped it didn’t screw things up between them. Tommy sighed and headed off to get ready for the concert.
A few hours later, they were up on stage. Adam was giving the performance of his life, his sweaty body shimmering under the hot stage lights. Tommy watched him, completely enamoured by the sheer beauty of the man in front of him. He loved seeing Adam like this. Completely in his element. Covered head to toe in glitter and leather, strutting up and down the stage. Tommy didn’t think Adam was even aware of the effect he had on those who watched him perform. He was the perfect combination of playful, sensual and sexy. Tommy and the rest of the band fed off Adam’s energy which seemed, at times, limitless. It was a natural high performing with Adam. Fever, Tommy’s favourite song, was on fire tonight. Tommy loved the connection between himself and Adam in that song; thankful for the small moments he could share with Adam.
After they finished the second encore and the last remaining note of Whole Lotta Love sounded. Adam and the band rushed of stage, soaking in the thunderous applause and cheers that accompanied their performance. Adam was grinning ear to ear. He grabbed Tommy and exclaimed loudly “OMG that was the best rush ever. Did you see that crowd? They were insane!”
Tommy couldn’t help but match Adam’s level of excitement, he too caught up in the energy of the crowd. “You were amazing baby boy. You were on fire tonight” he exclaimed.
“You weren’t so bad yourself Glitterbaby” said Adam. They looked at each, feeling the connection between their two bodies. Gosh Adam’s eyes are intense, thought Tommy. He could feel himself becoming aroused and before he knew what was happening, he was grabbing Adam and kissing him on the mouth. It was everything Tommy expected it to be. Sure, he had kissed Adam before, but those kisses were nothing compared to this. Tommy was aware of a few people staring at them, but he didn’t care.
When they finally pulled apart, albeit a bit reluctantly, Adam looked at Tommy with a shocked look on his face. “What was that?” he asked.
“Me kissing you” said Tommy with a smirk on his face
“No shit, Glitterbaby” said Adam, “but..but..i thought you were straight”
“Well maybe I’m a little bendy”, said Tommy. Adam let out a nervous laugh.
Tommy grabbed his hands and looked him in the eyes. “Look Adam, I don’t know what this means. All I know is that I wanted to kiss you. It’s all I can think about. I don’t know whether this makes me gay or bi, but I figure that we can work it out along the way. I want to be with you Adam but I need to know if you feel the same way”
Adam stared at him trying to comprehend what he was saying. “Am I dreaming?” asked Adam, “I have to be dreaming right?”
“I’m real and you’re awake” assured Tommy, “I meant everything I just said”
“Oh Tommy, you don’t know how much this means to me” said Adam, “I’ve wanted you since the moment I laid eyes on you, but I never in a million years thought that you would feel the same way”
“Either did I, to be honest” said Tommy, “before I met you, I never thought twice about being with a guy. I don’t know how it happened, but I’m glad it did. I love you Adam. I’m in love with you”
“I...I love you too glitterbaby” stammered Adam, “always and forever”.
That was all Tommy needed to hear. He closed the space between their two bodies and kissed Adam passionately. They stood there making out, not caring who was watching it. Both of them were vaguely aware of the camera flashes that were going off, but neither man could bring themselves to break the kiss. ‘This gorgeous man in front of me is mine’ thought Tommy as the kiss deepened.
As the band stood there and watched Adam and Tommy declare their love for each other, Allison’s turned to Monte and said ‘you owe me 20 bucks’, causing everyone to laugh. The day may have started out bad, filled with hate and negativity but it became a day to remember. A day where love triumphed over everything.
With my eyes wide open, I'm dreaming...
Darling, do I deserve such a break?
Pinch me to prove I'm awake
I can't believe that you're really mine