[Amavia] If It's a Broken Part Replace It
Dear Journal, De Book Fuck it.
Why does it matter how I address a book? It’s an inanimate object that hasn’t feelings or regards for mine. Without a polite greeting will its pages shrivel in depression?
I’d like to see that.
I’d like to see a lot of things.
One of them is Raoul behaving. The Archmage told me when he “gifted” me with Raoul’s hand (after implications that if I said no he’d marry him to someone else) that I had to see to it that he stopped acting out. I managed to get him to agree to settle down and stop hassling Archmage Worthington. And I thought it would be puuuuuppies and rainbows after that.
After last night’s dramatic display of teenage angst I anticipate getting another lecture about my inability to keep him behaving in a seemly manner. Scrawling hateful messages on Professor Aurelis’ door - I got him to stop halfway through and tried to scrub it of anything that would prove it was him through divination - and walking around campus drunk and flipping off your successful classmates is not seemly. I know he’s upset, I’d be pissed too, but sometimes it’s like he doesn’t even think.
I don’t have to wonder. I’m so going to get bitched out and probably not from some Worthington crony this time.
Light she was a bitch. Are they all icy hearted bastards?
Jeffrey was a bastard and he wasn’t even blood relation. George isn’t a bastard and he is. How the fuck does that work?
Jeffrey Sangrey may have been part of why he was acting out last night too. He had to deal with me, with the fact that I am losing my mind, because of what Sangrey did to me. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could smile and pretend that’s nothing wrong and he didn’t tie me down and shatter me in a fit of spite. There’s only so much smiling will mend.
How does Raoul pretend that Valerie didn’t hurt him? I know that bitchcorpse did. He’s either so much better at pretending than I or he’s a much stronger person.
I think he’s a better actor.
I wish I could pretend that things don’t hurt. That I’m not in my head one minute and out of it the next. That what he stole from me didn’t leave gaping holes that THINGS I DO NOT WANT rush in to fill.
But how do I ignore them when sometimes they spell life or death? If I had ignored it yesterday Percy would have suffered much more than he did.
He could have died.
I already lost my friend, my “pet”. I couldn’t bear to let him die because I didn’t want to scare Raoul with another episode.
I wish he’d let me talk to him about it. I wish I wasn’t afraid to bring it up. I don’t want to be something he’s ashamed of.
That’s stupid. He isn’t ashamed of me.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I need help. It stings my pride to admit it but I do. I was told I’d have to pray or meditate to try and bring what he left me to some sort of balance. But when I try either I fail. I was really angry before my mother died and now since she has I can’t seem to manage anything that even resembles a prayer. There’s too much anger and loathing to mutter anything remotely nice. I don’t feel like I should be in the Cathedral either. I feel too dirty to be there.
When I try and meditate I just get too caught up in my own thoughts and realize I’ve just wasted time in pondering stupid things like sewing patterns.
I don’t know who to ask. I’m too afraid that once I tell them they’ll think I’m as crazy as Raoul does. I know I’m crazy. I know it and it’s scary. I never asked for this, for any of this. I just wanted to be a great mage and help people out.
But I’m a FAILURE because I can’t even help myself. I can’t help my friends. And I couldn’t help my family.
I just want to curl up next to Raoul and bask in the safety of his arms. I don’t feel like such damaged goods when I’m with him. But if I don’t fix this he’s going to run away. I’m going to be more trouble than I’m worth.
And I don’t feel like I’m worth much.
Stop being a stupid whiner, Amy. You’re being an idiot.
Stop talking to yourself too. That is a sign that you really are crazy.
Just smile and laugh and act like the person outside that you wish you were within.
If it’s a broken part replace it, babygirl.
Fuck.
Why does it matter how I address a book? It’s an inanimate object that hasn’t feelings or regards for mine. Without a polite greeting will its pages shrivel in depression?
I’d like to see that.
I’d like to see a lot of things.
One of them is Raoul behaving. The Archmage told me when he “gifted” me with Raoul’s hand (after implications that if I said no he’d marry him to someone else) that I had to see to it that he stopped acting out. I managed to get him to agree to settle down and stop hassling Archmage Worthington. And I thought it would be puuuuuppies and rainbows after that.
After last night’s dramatic display of teenage angst I anticipate getting another lecture about my inability to keep him behaving in a seemly manner. Scrawling hateful messages on Professor Aurelis’ door - I got him to stop halfway through and tried to scrub it of anything that would prove it was him through divination - and walking around campus drunk and flipping off your successful classmates is not seemly. I know he’s upset, I’d be pissed too, but sometimes it’s like he doesn’t even think.
I don’t have to wonder. I’m so going to get bitched out and probably not from some Worthington crony this time.
Light she was a bitch. Are they all icy hearted bastards?
Jeffrey was a bastard and he wasn’t even blood relation. George isn’t a bastard and he is. How the fuck does that work?
Jeffrey Sangrey may have been part of why he was acting out last night too. He had to deal with me, with the fact that I am losing my mind, because of what Sangrey did to me. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could smile and pretend that’s nothing wrong and he didn’t tie me down and shatter me in a fit of spite. There’s only so much smiling will mend.
How does Raoul pretend that Valerie didn’t hurt him? I know that bitchcorpse did. He’s either so much better at pretending than I or he’s a much stronger person.
I think he’s a better actor.
I wish I could pretend that things don’t hurt. That I’m not in my head one minute and out of it the next. That what he stole from me didn’t leave gaping holes that THINGS I DO NOT WANT rush in to fill.
But how do I ignore them when sometimes they spell life or death? If I had ignored it yesterday Percy would have suffered much more than he did.
He could have died.
I already lost my friend, my “pet”. I couldn’t bear to let him die because I didn’t want to scare Raoul with another episode.
I wish he’d let me talk to him about it. I wish I wasn’t afraid to bring it up. I don’t want to be something he’s ashamed of.
That’s stupid. He isn’t ashamed of me.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I need help. It stings my pride to admit it but I do. I was told I’d have to pray or meditate to try and bring what he left me to some sort of balance. But when I try either I fail. I was really angry before my mother died and now since she has I can’t seem to manage anything that even resembles a prayer. There’s too much anger and loathing to mutter anything remotely nice. I don’t feel like I should be in the Cathedral either. I feel too dirty to be there.
When I try and meditate I just get too caught up in my own thoughts and realize I’ve just wasted time in pondering stupid things like sewing patterns.
I don’t know who to ask. I’m too afraid that once I tell them they’ll think I’m as crazy as Raoul does. I know I’m crazy. I know it and it’s scary. I never asked for this, for any of this. I just wanted to be a great mage and help people out.
But I’m a FAILURE because I can’t even help myself. I can’t help my friends. And I couldn’t help my family.
I just want to curl up next to Raoul and bask in the safety of his arms. I don’t feel like such damaged goods when I’m with him. But if I don’t fix this he’s going to run away. I’m going to be more trouble than I’m worth.
And I don’t feel like I’m worth much.
Stop being a stupid whiner, Amy. You’re being an idiot.
Stop talking to yourself too. That is a sign that you really are crazy.
Just smile and laugh and act like the person outside that you wish you were within.
If it’s a broken part replace it, babygirl.
Fuck.