[Amavia] In My Place
Dear Journal,
I don’t mean to seem so up and down in writing in you. Honestly, I don’t. But you miss out on so much! How are you to know every moment of my life when you’re just a book!
Last I wrote I was upset with myself and not truly with Raoul but more afraid. We met at Madame Marjorie’s shortly after that entry and despite having a nice lunch date (That boy can pack away food! I think he inhaled the fried potatoes!) where we talked about our new case (Some theft one. I think we got a lame case as punishment for not ‘excelling’ as the Archmage demands.) I was a stupid girl and let some of my anxieties slip.
Light, was he pissed. He dragged me out of there so fast I was glad I’d already paid the bill and tipped our server. Literally dragged me by the hand. All the way down the street and back to his dorm. He lifted me up over some ick on the street and was considerate of not harming me but it was really apparent I was In Trouble.
I was ashamed that I had upset him and he yelled at me for apologizing. He said to just stop doing it then. But all throughout the trip back I was scared. And I’m not sure of what. Raoul was just so intense. He told me I made him crazy and though he preceded it with an ‘I love you, baby’ I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.
But we kissed and made up. And though it wasn’t cheerful or happy the discussions we had were good ones and well worth some butterflies in my stomach. He swore a lot and reminded me that we are the most important person in each other’s lives. That he had expected me to put him before my mother and still does with aunt and he will do the same with his father. I don’t want it to be a competition but I understand what he means. As I said though, he was just so intense. It was frightening then because he pinned me in the corner of his bed and held my hair so I couldn’t look away as he spoke. Frightening and reassuring at the same time.
Which scares me because of other reasons. Sangrey reasons. I let him do things I wouldn’t trust anyone else to do. I know that despite his manner during that he loves me and as soon as I was ‘put in my place’ we went back to cuddling and being sweet. Our conversation drifted to why he’s been more strict. More firm? More dominant? I’m not sure how to describe what he’s been with me lately besides a little strange. He tells me he’s been rough with me because being in control and knowing he could hurt me but doesn’t proves to him each time that he isn’t a bad fellow.
I know what he means but it breaks my heart that he needs these reminders. That someone did this to him. That someone tied him down and cut him up and did experiments on him. You don’t do that to someone you supposedly love. Light, you don’t do that to anyone. Heart for love, my ass Valerie Starlet. You don’t even possess one in your rotting dead chest.
I hope your tits fall off soon with decay. Then your ugly exterior will reflect the monster you are inside.
We will get these parts of him back. I promised him we would reclaim every scrap they took from us and so help me we will. If what we’re doing has helped him in that I’d only have it so for however long it takes.
And well, it doesn’t hurt that I enjoy it. It’s a good fear. The fear that he could hurt me but he won’t. He doesn’t have that hateful look in his eyes or a malicious gleam. That intensity that’s becoming more common, yes but nothing hurtful or worrisome. He loves me and I love him and at the end of the day he’s always my White Knight. At the end of it all we love each other so very much.
I’m going to murder Valerie Starlet still. And I’m going to do it slowly so she has to watch each undead inch of her burn away.
I don’t mean to seem so up and down in writing in you. Honestly, I don’t. But you miss out on so much! How are you to know every moment of my life when you’re just a book!
Last I wrote I was upset with myself and not truly with Raoul but more afraid. We met at Madame Marjorie’s shortly after that entry and despite having a nice lunch date (That boy can pack away food! I think he inhaled the fried potatoes!) where we talked about our new case (Some theft one. I think we got a lame case as punishment for not ‘excelling’ as the Archmage demands.) I was a stupid girl and let some of my anxieties slip.
Light, was he pissed. He dragged me out of there so fast I was glad I’d already paid the bill and tipped our server. Literally dragged me by the hand. All the way down the street and back to his dorm. He lifted me up over some ick on the street and was considerate of not harming me but it was really apparent I was In Trouble.
I was ashamed that I had upset him and he yelled at me for apologizing. He said to just stop doing it then. But all throughout the trip back I was scared. And I’m not sure of what. Raoul was just so intense. He told me I made him crazy and though he preceded it with an ‘I love you, baby’ I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.
But we kissed and made up. And though it wasn’t cheerful or happy the discussions we had were good ones and well worth some butterflies in my stomach. He swore a lot and reminded me that we are the most important person in each other’s lives. That he had expected me to put him before my mother and still does with aunt and he will do the same with his father. I don’t want it to be a competition but I understand what he means. As I said though, he was just so intense. It was frightening then because he pinned me in the corner of his bed and held my hair so I couldn’t look away as he spoke. Frightening and reassuring at the same time.
Which scares me because of other reasons. Sangrey reasons. I let him do things I wouldn’t trust anyone else to do. I know that despite his manner during that he loves me and as soon as I was ‘put in my place’ we went back to cuddling and being sweet. Our conversation drifted to why he’s been more strict. More firm? More dominant? I’m not sure how to describe what he’s been with me lately besides a little strange. He tells me he’s been rough with me because being in control and knowing he could hurt me but doesn’t proves to him each time that he isn’t a bad fellow.
I know what he means but it breaks my heart that he needs these reminders. That someone did this to him. That someone tied him down and cut him up and did experiments on him. You don’t do that to someone you supposedly love. Light, you don’t do that to anyone. Heart for love, my ass Valerie Starlet. You don’t even possess one in your rotting dead chest.
I hope your tits fall off soon with decay. Then your ugly exterior will reflect the monster you are inside.
We will get these parts of him back. I promised him we would reclaim every scrap they took from us and so help me we will. If what we’re doing has helped him in that I’d only have it so for however long it takes.
And well, it doesn’t hurt that I enjoy it. It’s a good fear. The fear that he could hurt me but he won’t. He doesn’t have that hateful look in his eyes or a malicious gleam. That intensity that’s becoming more common, yes but nothing hurtful or worrisome. He loves me and I love him and at the end of the day he’s always my White Knight. At the end of it all we love each other so very much.
I’m going to murder Valerie Starlet still. And I’m going to do it slowly so she has to watch each undead inch of her burn away.