this is gonna be ugly.
i'm feeling like i wanna PUNCH life in the everything.
this past week has been wayyyy more than i can handle on my own.
screwed over for $ by work, busted my ass last month so i'd have a good xmas and now, not a penny until "???"
didnt even get to buy my mom a bottle of wine.
emotionally raped by just about complete lack of social interaction/human contact due to everyone in hamilton apparently either going home or having stopped giving a fuck about me about 2 months ago when i moved on my own
emotionally raped by yesterday being my dad's would-have-been 58th b-day if he didn't kick it in '05
also hurting because dec 22 was also the day my mother chose to leave my father when i was in grade 12
merry fucking christmas
lining myself up for disappointment after disappointment
why don't i just decide to expect everyone and everything around me to fuck up and hurt me, and if on the off-chance they don't, i'll be able to enjoy a glimmering moment of appreciation instead of wading through neck-deep garbage, tripe, and unmendable chaos.
i've always prided myself on my genuine, natural and seemingly unwavering positivity.
but there are about 5 people on this earth who seem to give a shit about how i'm feeling and to learn that isn't really a particularly comforting thing. certainly doesn't make a girl want to be very friendly to a LOT of people she once considered friends.
to those i haven't spoken to in a long time, but left on good terms, you are entirely excluded from that as i couldn't possibly speak for you.
but there are masses upon masses of people who i'd see on a daily/weekly/monthly basis who since i moved into my own place haven't made a single attempt at contacting me or replying to my contacts.
and to me, that says one of two things.
either i am so heinously repellant an individual that i drive away all variations of friendships, including acquaintances, pals, buddies, and hetero lifemaates.
or.
i'm correct to conclude that several dozen people in this universe who claimed to, do not in fact remotely care for my well-being, regardless of my constant support and encouragement toward them.
am i a curmudgeonly harpie at age 21?
this past week has been wayyyy more than i can handle on my own.
screwed over for $ by work, busted my ass last month so i'd have a good xmas and now, not a penny until "???"
didnt even get to buy my mom a bottle of wine.
emotionally raped by just about complete lack of social interaction/human contact due to everyone in hamilton apparently either going home or having stopped giving a fuck about me about 2 months ago when i moved on my own
emotionally raped by yesterday being my dad's would-have-been 58th b-day if he didn't kick it in '05
also hurting because dec 22 was also the day my mother chose to leave my father when i was in grade 12
merry fucking christmas
lining myself up for disappointment after disappointment
why don't i just decide to expect everyone and everything around me to fuck up and hurt me, and if on the off-chance they don't, i'll be able to enjoy a glimmering moment of appreciation instead of wading through neck-deep garbage, tripe, and unmendable chaos.
i've always prided myself on my genuine, natural and seemingly unwavering positivity.
but there are about 5 people on this earth who seem to give a shit about how i'm feeling and to learn that isn't really a particularly comforting thing. certainly doesn't make a girl want to be very friendly to a LOT of people she once considered friends.
to those i haven't spoken to in a long time, but left on good terms, you are entirely excluded from that as i couldn't possibly speak for you.
but there are masses upon masses of people who i'd see on a daily/weekly/monthly basis who since i moved into my own place haven't made a single attempt at contacting me or replying to my contacts.
and to me, that says one of two things.
either i am so heinously repellant an individual that i drive away all variations of friendships, including acquaintances, pals, buddies, and hetero lifemaates.
or.
i'm correct to conclude that several dozen people in this universe who claimed to, do not in fact remotely care for my well-being, regardless of my constant support and encouragement toward them.
am i a curmudgeonly harpie at age 21?