Glee Fic: The Pan-Asian Association
Title: The Pan-Asian Association
Characters/Pairings: Blaine/Kurt, Wes, Mike/Tina, Sunshine + surprise appearances.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: In which Wes finds a group for only those of Asian origin; Kurt finds amusement in Blaine’s misery; and the Asians unite for about five minutes before everything falls apart, due to not-so-Asian people showing up at the meeting anyway.
A/N: Crack idea gone seriously out of hand. Some of this is definitely going to be jossed after the spring hiatus, but whatever, it was fun.
The Pan-Asian Association
Blaine should’ve seen this coming.
Wes almost single-handedly, after all, sanctioned the duet for Regionals, which allowed Blaine to confess to Kurt his new romantic feelings, which now puts Blaine in a very (very) happy place.
And when Blaine is in a very (very) happy place, he tends to be more generous than usual, which means people (i.e. his former friends) like to take advantage of it.
So that’s when Wes finds (corners) Blaine in a relatively empty common room just as Blaine was starting his history essay.
“Blaine, I need your help with something.”
Blaine soundlessly sighs in defeat. He guesses that he’s just not meant to make a dent in this paper today. “What is it?” he inquires genially because he’s close with Wes and he does owe him one (a million, really).
“It has occurred to me during my Current Events class that the Asian-American population is tragically low in the state of Ohio.”
Blaine cocks his head to the side. “You just realized this?”
Wes rolls his eyes in his typical condescending manner. “Of course I knew it, but just seeing the numbers really hit the point home for me. Which is why I’ve decided I’m going to start an organization in which the members would be of Asian origin.”
“You mean an Asian Club.”
“No, it won’t be as juvenile as a high school Asian Club.”
“But that’s essentially what it is. And are you really going to narrow the membership down to just Asians? As you said, the Asian population -”
“This is to create a united front!”
“Against what? You make it sound like we’re going to go to war against the Caucasian population, which is kind of insane. Also, you are aware that I’m half Caucasian, right?”
“Of course I’m aware. I just wanted to bring together all the Asian Americans that we knew so we could talk about issues.”
“What kind of issues?”
“We need a group name though,” Wes states, blatantly ignoring Blaine’s legitimate question.
“Asian Club?”
Wes shakes his head, pinching the space between his eyes, suddenly resembling a middle age man. “Just think of some names. We’ll meet after classes and discuss.” He gets to his feet and straightens out his blazer. “As you were,” he says before turning on his heel and leaving the room.
When Kurt finds Blaine a few minutes later, Blaine is staring at the mahogany table in front of him with an adorably confused expression on his face.
“A penny for your thoughts?” Kurt asks, shaking Blaine out of his reverie as he takes a seat on the chair Wes was in, crossing his legs elegantly. Blaine tries not to stare.
“I don’t think you’d want to give a penny to hear about it.”
Kurt quirks his eyebrow, intrigued.
“I’m not really sure what’s going on, but I’ll let you know when I get a handle on it.”
Kurt’s frown is so minuscule, but Blaine’s rather proud of himself for catching it because that means he’s getting better at noticing things.
“It’s not bad…it’s just. Wes. Crazy Wes shenanigans. Hopefully it’ll blow over by the end of the day and then I can tell you and then we can both be amused.”
Kurt’s eyes flash with amusement before his lips curl into a smile. Blaine kind of loves that. So he lets himself forget about Wes and focuses on Kurt because Kurt is a lot better than Wes’ planning, which will be forgotten by the end of the day.
~**~
Except not.
Wes finds Blaine after his final class and Blaine is forced to send Kurt a text message saying he’ll be running late. He kind of wants to cry because he’s been looking forward to holding Kurt’s hand for the past three periods.
Wes leads him to the room which Blaine and Kurt had their first kiss and Blaine is really starting to resent Wes right now.
Thankfully they don’t sit at the same table because that would just be weird (not to mention borderline sacrilegious), but Blaine has a perfect view of it, making him really wish Wes would just cuddle with his gavel somewhere so he could cuddle with Kurt.
Wes reaches into his satchel and pulls out a piece of flyleaf, Possible Names written neatly at the top.
“Well, do you have any ideas?” Wes asks, neighboring on demanding.
Blaine refrains from rolling his eyes as he reaches into his blazer and pulls out a pen. He quickly goes through synonyms for the word “club” and comes up with four on the spot. Then he writes “club” at the bottom, keeping an innocent expression on his face as Wes flushes angrily.
Wes immediately crosses out “club.”
“Now, I was thinking that it would be called ‘Pan-Asian’ Something.”
“Isn’t Pan-Asianism when you want Asian cultures to unite and fight against imperial -”
“Yes, but it could also mean a unification of all Asian cultures for a common goal.”
“But that’s pretty much what I -”
“Really, Blaine? League?”
Blaine clenches his jaw for a brief moment before following Wes’ gaze to the list of names.
“Yeah! It’ll make us sound like superheroes!” Blaine explains cheerfully.
Wes gets an ugly expression on his face before crossing that out. “This is serious, Blaine.”
Offended, Blaine reads Wes’ suggestions and asks, “Cartel? We’re not selling drugs!”
“Well, we’re not making music,” Wes points out, crossing out “band” as well as “cartel.”
“And we’re not starting a new religion based off our ancestry. Look how well that turned out in the past.”
“Fair point,” Wes concedes, crossing out “congregation.” But then he’s back to his obnoxious self by exclaiming, “Pack? Like we’re a pack of animals?”
“No!” Blaine retorts, not realizing until that moment that the word could be taken that way. “I was thinking of the Rat Pack! Or Brat Pack! You know…classy kids being awesome.”
Wes shoots Blaine an unimpressed look. “I doubt the girl who sprinkles dandruff onto a piece of art is considered classy. Or awesome, for that matter.”
Blaine glares because oh no he didn’t. Luckily, Wes’ suggestion above “pack” gives Blaine an opening to retaliate. “Coterie. Coterie?” Blaine shakes his head. “Asshole.”
“What? Really?” Wes really hates the idea of being a true asshole, even though by definition, he kind of is one (in a lovable way (most of the time, anyway (definitely not now))).
“Oh yeah.” Blaine turns the sheet so he can read it properly. “Okay, so we have ‘association,’ ‘crew,’ -”
“Uh, no we don’t.”
“Don't have what?”
“Crew. We’re not going to buy a boat and become pirates.”
Blaine’s rather impressed that Wes knew exactly what Blaine was thinking when he wrote that down. But he’s also angry because that would’ve been so cool, especially if they made a flag and had a warbler skull on it and -
“Blaine. No. It’s done.”
Blaine tries not to pout as he crosses it out. Just then, his phone chimes with a text; Wes glares as Blaine quickly pulls his phone out of his pocket.
If you’re not at the Lima Bean in seven minutes, I’m throwing away this calorie-bomb of a biscotti in the trash. And it was the last of the chocolate chip. Your choice.
“Sorry, Wes, I have to go. Very urgent business,” Blaine states, standing up and almost whacking Wes in the face as he swings his bag over his head to rest on his shoulder.
“Fine. Then I have full rights to picking the name!”
Blaine lets out a breath. “Fine. Just…” he double-checks the list one more time before crossing out one more. “I don’t want to get shot by a legitimate gang member.”
He makes it to the Lima Bean in eight minutes (damn those traffic lights!), but Kurt kept the biscotti anyway.
He really, really likes this boy. A lot.
~**~
The next day, Wes finds Blaine in the same common room as before (Blaine is definitely not clever enough to try to avoid Wes), attempting to start his history paper again.
“Voilà!”
Blaine lifts his gaze from his laptop to stare at horror at the fliers Wes is currently showing off with a beaming smile.
“The Pan-Asian Society? Why didn’t I cross that out…”
Wes drops the flier and rolls his eyes. “Because Dalton is so like Dead Poets Society. It’s perfect.”
“It makes us sound like pretentious wankers, which I know you are, but I’m not. Or, at least I try not to be on purpose, which you definitely do.”
“Exactly.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re like the ambassador between Dalton and the rest of the world.”
Blaine narrows his eyes. “That transition really made no sense. And what are you getting at?”
“You can attract people outside of Dalton!”
“I thought this was supposed to be a Dalton club?”
“For the last time, it’s not a club! It’s an organization. And I don’t want to restrict this by limiting it to just one school when we have access to others.”
“First off, you make it seem like I have social connections with every school in the state of Ohio, which is not true. Secondly, I’m pretty sure if you looked up organization in a thesaurus, club will be right there -”
“Blaine, be quiet. Don’t be a smart-ass. Just recruit other Asians that you know. Like from New Directions - they have two.”
“Oh my god. I can’t believe this,” Blaine laments, his hand twitching, wanting to run it through his hair, but of course that would be impossible. Almost literally - his hair was quite awful this morning and he used a ridiculous amount of gel to tame it.
Wes claps a hand on Blaine’s shoulder, his grip amazingly tight. “I knew you’d understand. You’re the best.” Before he leaves, he calls back, “I’ll change it to Association, alright? Then we’re going to put fliers up everywhere.”
The Pan-Asian Association.
Blaine is going to need serious therapy after this.
~**~
Blaine figures the easiest thing to do is to go on Facebook and just send a private message to all the Asians he knew: Wes, Tina, and Mike.
That’s actually really sad. He feels like he’s missing someone, but he’s tired and he doesn’t feel like thinking too deeply about this.
He writes “Asian Club” in the subject line because how could he not?
Hey everyone!
Wes has decided to act upon his newfound pride for his race and is forming a club for all those of Asian descent. You’re more than welcome to not join - I understand.
Oh, and I suppose if you happen to know any other Asians, then you could spread the word, even though I don’t recommend it.
Regards,
Blaine A.
Later that night, he’s surprised (and a little disappointed) to get a response from Tina, claiming that she and Mike would love join and asked when the first meeting will be.
Wes sends back a grinning face along with the correction that it would be called “The Pan-Asian Association.” Mike sends back “^_^ Awesome!!!” a little afterward. Blaine almost drops his head onto his desk.
Two hours later, he gets another message from Tina, saying she has a friend who may be interested and she’ll start a new message. Two minutes after that, he gets a notification for a message titled, “The Pan-Asian Association.”
The fifth person in the group is a girl named Sunshine Corazon. Deciding to do a little Facebook-stalking to avoid writing that history paper (he’s just going to end up writing it the night before anyway), he clicks on her name and scans through her page. She attends Carmel High and is a member of Vocal Adrenaline, which is definitely intimidating. And the weird this is that they have quite a number of friends in common, most of which are people of New Directions (sans Rachel), but the others are members of Blaine’s family.
That’s just bizarre. Especially when he glances at her wall, most of it’s in Filipino.
Oh sweet baby Jesus. That would just be too out of control.
But when he asks his mother, his fears are confirmed.
Wincing, he sends her a friend request with the message, “Kumusta, second cousin?”
Forget therapy, he’s going to need a lobotomy.
~**~
This time around, Blaine actively tries to avoid Wes (with Kurt’s help) because Wes is not only disrupting, he’s also inadvertently revealing familial drama in Blaine’s life. It’s very unnecessary. And Blaine was in such a good place at the beginning of this week…
He’s currently in the freshman common room, resting his head on Kurt’s shoulder as he complains about Wes and about this stupid Asian Club and discovering a new cousin through Facebook. He’s scarred for life, basically.
Kurt merely pats Blaine’s hand and coos, “Poor baby.”
Then Wes comes barging in, an enraged expression on his face. “There you are, trying to hide from me, are you?”
Kurt tenses under Blaine’s head. “Wow, that was actually scary. And it’s my cue to leave.”
Blaine grips Kurt’s hand. “No, don’t leave me, please,” he whimpers rather pathetically.
“I’m sorry, I’m not Asian. I can’t partake in this conversation.” Kurt quickly gets up and Blaine almost topples over. “Text me when you’re done!”
“You’re so cruel!”
Kurt laughs and it’s kind of beautiful.
Wes takes Kurt’s spot on the couch and Blaine’s face twists into a grimace.
“So I realized last night that we forgot to invite Jackie Chang - I’m mean Chung to our group! I figured, he’d appreciate it. So I go to find him after Physics and what does he do? He loudly declares that he’s an American and runs in the opposite direction of his next class!”
Blaine shrugs. “I don’t blame him for wanting to run away from you. And he’s entitled to do what he wants.”
“He clearly doesn’t have pride for his nationality.”
“Nationalities. His mom is Japanese and his dad is Korean.”
“…Seriously? Then why did they name him -?”
“I think they were going for irony.”
“Well they’re responsible for making him a miserable berk.”
“Hey, that’s not true! Last year, Jackie Cha-Chung and I had a wonderful discussion about Disney films and how they represent the -”
“I don’t really care, Blaine. When it comes down to it, he has no desire to join The Pan-Asian Association, thus, he is practically dead to me.”
“You’ve officially lost your mind. All that power in the council has gotten to your head,” Blaine states, “Jeff so had the right idea by wanting to burn that gavel.”
By saying that, it was equivalent to kicking Wes’ baby puppy. “How dare you.”
“Just…what do you want now? Did you interrupt Kurt and Blaine Time just so you can complain about Jackie Chung-Chang. Wait, FUCK, I was right the first time!” Blaine bemoans.
Wes cackles.
“Anyway, as I was saying,” Blaine continues, frowning, “Is there a point to your coming over to talk to me?”
“Do you really refer to it as Kurt and Blaine Time in your head?”
“Yes.”
Wes raises his eyebrows, making Blaine flush a little.
“Okay. Well yeah, did you interrupt it so you could complain about Jackie Chung being a smart cookie and not participating in this madness?” Blaine asks to bring the conversation back on track.
“Yes. And also to inform you that we’re going to have our first meeting tomorrow after school at the Lima Bean. We were going to do Breadstix, but we figured it would be an awkward time to go to a restaurant.”
“Right, because this isn’t already awkward enough.”
Wes fixes him with a cold stare. “I’ll see you then, Junior Warbler.”
Blaine mimes Wes in a very immature manner when Wes leaves the common room. Once he’s gone, Blaine sends Kurt a text:
GET BACK HERE SO YOU CAN COMFORT ME.
~**~
Blaine and Wes are cradling coffees in a booth at the Lima Bean, waiting for Mike, Tina, and Sunshine to get out of their schools, which are let out later.
“What are we going to be talking about today?” Blaine groans, taking a sip of his non-fat mocha. It’s not his favorite thing in the world, but it’s one of Kurt’s favorites, so he can maybe pretend during this awful meeting that he tastes Kurt instead.
…That seemed a lot nicer and cuter before he put his feelings into words. Now he’s half-considering buying a new coffee because it’s creeping him out.
“Well, I was thinking we could discuss a fundraiser of sorts. There was the recent tragedy in Japan - it’s our duty as fellow Asians to help each other out.”
“Actually, it’s kind of a world duty to help out your fellow man -”
“Oh, look! Mike and Tina are here!” Wes exclaims, nodding toward the door.
Mike and Tina walk into the coffee shop hand-in-hand, looking blissfully happy. Wes grimaces.
“You see that? That’s what you and Kurt look like in the hallways and it’s kind of sickening,” he explains, his upper lip twitching.
Blaine grins for a moment before realizing something very important Kurt told him before this meeting:
“Please, don’t bring up our being boyfriends - I still have to tell Dad and New Directions is awful when it comes to gossiping.”
“Wes, you can’t say anything about Kurt and me,” Blaine whispers to Wes quickly, “Kurt hasn’t told anyone yet.”
Wes nods curtly, a brief glimpse of the sane man Blaine new he could be, before greeting Tina and Mike with a welcoming smile. “Hello,” he says, getting to his feet and holding out his hand. “I’m Wes, a member of the senior council of the Warblers. It’s a pleasure to formally meet you.”
Tina, with a bemused expression on her face, reaches out an arm covered by a legwarmer (huh?) to shake his hand. “Tina. Nice to meet you.”
Mike, with a pleasant smile on his face, shakes Wes’ hand enthusiastically. “Mike.”
Tina slides into the seat with Blaine, giving him a kind smile as Mike takes the seat next to Wes and across from Tina. They immediately go for each other’s hands on the table, which makes Blaine seethe with jealousy - he should be doing that with Kurt right now!
“Have you seen Sunshine Corazon?” Wes asks Mike and Tina.
Mike shakes his head and Tina responds, “No, but she’ll be here in a minute or so. Something about a Vocal Adrenaline crisis.”
“Okay, great.”
Wes then pulls out his gavel and a wooden coaster and Blaine almost spits his mocha everywhere.
“Please tell me you’re not holding your gavel right now.”
“Oh, Blaine, be quiet. As president of The Pan-Asian Association, it’s good to have a means of keeping order.”
“There’s four of us at the table!”
Wes smacks his gavel on the coaster, causing the four tables around them to glance at them. Blaine’s face heats in embarrassment and shoots them apologetic smiles. Mike looks tempted to bolt and Tina’s eyebrows are so high on her forehead, they might disappear in her hairline before this meeting draws to a close.
“Please calm down, Mr. Anderson.”
Mike laughs, discreetly shifting in his seat so there’s a greater distance between him and Wes. “That’s so cool.”
Wes narrows his eyes at Mike. “What is?”
“Blaine’s name! Mr. Anderson,” he finishes, sounding remarkably like Hugo Weaving. “Like The Matrix! So bad ass.”
Blaine smiles. “Yeah, it’s not a bad thing to be linked to. Except the sequels. Those were terrible.”
“I know, right? How could they’ve failed so epically with such an amazing start?”
Blaine sighs. “A great mystery of life.”
Wes rolls his eyes as Mike nods solemnly.
“Hey guys!”
They whip their heads to find Sunshine plopping a chair at the end of the table, smiling cheerfully. “I only have about an hour or so before I have to go back for rehearsal.”
“Wait, how are you allowed to be here right now? I thought Vocal Adrenaline practiced until midnight.”
Blaine thinks Tina is exaggerating until he notices the pure curiosity on her face; Vocal Adrenaline can’t be that intense, right?
“Yeah, but six people collapsed due to exhaustion, three of which are important dancers, and then someone called 911 so we’re forbidden to rehearse for an hour. Of course, we have to make up for it by staying at the school until two, but,” Sunshine shrugs, “That’s what you pay for perfection.”
Blaine might throw up.
“O…kay. So now that we’re all here…let’s get started!” Wes asserts, reaching into his satchel again, this time pulling out a manila folder filled with a small stack of papers. Mike eyes it warily while Tina shoots Blaine look that demands an explanation. Blaine can only stare back with a, “Trust me, I know it’s crazy, but it’s best to just accept it and keep your mouth closed.”
Blaine catches Sunshin’s eye for a moment and they look away out of pure discomfort.
Tina pats Blaine’s knee with her free hand out of sympathy.
“We can assign ourselves positions within the organization,” Wes continues, “Since I founded this, I will be President of The Pan-Asian Association. And Sunshine, would you like to be Vice President?”
Blaine chokes on his drink. “Excuse me?” Then he stutters a, “No offense to you! Really!” to Sunshine, who brushes it off with a wave of her hand. “Wes!” Blaine hisses, “Are you kidding? You came to me about this ridiculous project!”
“Yeah, but in actuality, you’re a half-member.”
Blaine has never felt so unwelcomed to and so insulted by a group he really never really wanted to be a part of in the first place. “How am I a half-member?”
“Because you’re only half Filipino! The other half of you is not acknowledged at this table.”
Blaine’s jaw drops.
“Hey, is this the Asian Club?”
Everyone at the table glances up to find Brittany standing by Sunshine, her hands stuffed in the pockets of her skirt. Blaine flushes, remembering her as the girl he (and every other member of New Directions) licked salt off of at that party; he’s pretty sure he did it twice.
“Britt…what are you doing here?” Tina asks slowly.
“To join,” Brittany answers, as if Tina just asked the dumbest question, “I’m Asian on Sundays.”
A confused silence envelops the group. “What?” Tina asks, deciding to be the brave soul to venture forth.
Wes looks like he did the one time Thad took his seat at the council table for a laugh. He first looked genuinely confused, then when he realized people were amused, his face contorted into something of disgust and pure anger on his face that caused everyone to freeze for five seconds before Thad nearly fell on his face trying to get out of the chair. Nobody ever tried that again after that look.
“Yeah, my parents and I eat Chinese food on Sundays at my house,” Brittany responds. “Also my eyes are kind of narrow likes yours,” she adds, looking at Tina, who lets go of Mike’s hand in order to bring hers to her eyes in concern.
“Okay, this is borderline offensive.”
“Wes, stop, don’t take it seriously it’s not -” Blaine starts but Tina cuts him off.
“Hey, leave Brittany alone,” she snaps at Wes before smiling kindly at Brittany, “Brittany, just because you eat Chinese food once a week doesn’t mean that you’re Asian. It just means you have good taste in food.”
Brittany frowns. “Oh. Okay.”
“But come to my house later - my parents can make us some banchan - it’s a bunch of Korean side dishes.”
“Wait…can I come?” Mike asks in a small voice and doubled with the puppy expression on his face, Blaine finds him absolutely adorable. Tina melts immediately and nods.
Mike grins and Blaine’s going to have to ask Kurt later why he never crushed on that boy (because although Finn is cute…come on). Besides, Mike has to have abs like a god with the way that he dances.
Oh my god, he does not have a crush on Mike Chang because Blaine Anderson is pretty much in love with Kurt Hummel! But that doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate a good-looking boy, right? Right?
“Okay. I’ll see you later,” Brittany says with a smile, waving at everyone before walking away.
Wes stares after her for a few seconds before clearing his throat. “Before we got distracted by a clearly confused girl, whom the Lima school system utterly failed, I was going to suggest that as an organization focused on the issues of those of the Asian race, we should be hard at work in the relief efforts in Japan.”
They nod, urging Wes to continue, not that he needs any prompting.
“We could start out small, maybe host a bake sale or perhaps we can throw a benefit concert, combining the talents of the Warblers and New Dir -”
“Oh my god, is that Coach Tanaka?” Mike blurts, pointing at the window.
Blaine follows Mike’s finger, even though he has no idea whom Mike is referring to. All Blaine can find is a rather chubby fellow dressed in very short shorts, despite the cold weather and a sweatshirt with the hood up. In fact, this individual looks kind of sketchy, especially since he seems to be staring at them. Once the man realizes that the table is staring at him, he scurries off.
“Wait…did you say his name was Tanaka? He’s Japanese?” Wes asks, starting to sound high-strung. Or just overexcited. “He would complete the set! We already have the Philippines, China, and Korea!” He looks about ready to bolt from the table to run after him.
“The set?” Sunshine asks, her brow furrowing in confusion, “Is this a sort of English slang I’m unfamiliar with?”
“No, it’s exactly what you think it is,” Tina says, looking somewhat frightened.
“I told you not to join,” Blaine whispers.
“I thought it was a joke,” Mike retorts, gripping Tina’s hand. “I’m leaving. This is scaring me.” He gets to his feet, turning to Wes to come up with a bullshit excuse before they hear:
“Alright, time to break up this androgynous group of wannabe pop stars.”
Wes stares at Sue Sylvester in confusion. Tina looks around the table once before grinning, probably imagining everyone dressed like a Korean pop star. Blaine wonders how the hell Sue Sylvester would know about that, but decides not to linger on it.
“Excuse me, but what makes you think you have the power to shut down this organization?” Wes asks.
Blaine kicks Wes in the shins, but the guy has nerves of steel and doesn’t even grace Blaine with a glare.
“Because I don’t like the idea of so many short people congregating in one place,” Sue answers, narrowing her eyes at Wes, probably planning his imminent demise.
“But I’m not that short…” Mike points out.
With Mike standing up, it’s obvious that he and Sue Sylvester are about the same height. But then she takes a step forward and suddenly jerks her head into his personal space, as if she’s about to head-butt him, causing him to fall back into his seat out of shock.
“You always are in the presence of Sue Sylvester.”
Kurt was certainly not exaggerating in his warnings about the Coach of the Cheerios. Why didn’t Blaine listen?
“Weren’t you the director for Aural Intensity? You punched the lieutenant governor’s wife!” Wes exclaims suddenly.
Tina tries to kick Wes in the shins, but ends up kicking Blaine as well.
“Ouch,” Blaine mutters, reaching underneath the table to rub his calf.
His quiet exclamation catches Sue’s interest and she zeroes in on him. “You. You’re that overexcited leprechaun who leads the Swallows -”
“Warblers,” Wess corrects her.
“I’m sorry, you’ve mistaken me for an individual who cares about your insipid group of Communists-in-training.” Her attention is brought back to Blaine, which he doesn’t really like. “How’s my sweet Porcelain? You were smart enough to give him a solo.”
“Actually, Blaine has no control over the decisions -”
“Well?” Sue demands, ignoring Wes.
“Oh, well, Kurt is doing well,” Blaine starts, trying to keep his nerves together, “And, um…”
“Well? I expect better of Porcelain’s new boy toy.”
Blaine’s eyes widen and he blushes (way to give it away, Blaine!), which Tina catches right away. Her jaw drops.
“No way.”
He groans in response.
“Now you listen to me, Fine China -”
“Wait, is that supposed to be a nickname? I’m not even Chinese, I’m half Fil -”
“You will accept this nickname without complaint. Unless you’d prefer Hairy Hobbit or Gremlin.”
“Holy cow, I think I’m in love.”
“Wes, come on!” Blaine whines.
Sue points a finger at Blaine. “You treat Porcelain right. Or you’ll have to deal with me, and I will force-feed you the hair products you so liberally apply to your disturbing head of hair. It’s demonic, almost in the same league as one Will Schuester.”
“New Directions’ director?”
Tina and Mike are now staring openly at Blaine. “She’s right,” Tina breathes, “You could be his son.”
“Creepy,” Mike adds unnecessarily.
Blaine’s kind of on the verge of tears at this point. His second cousin is staring at this display with a mixture of fear, amusement, and confusion and New Directions is going to know about his dating Kurt within five minutes if Tina texting under the table means anything. And not only that, he was just compared to a man well into his thirties who wears vests.
“Do I make myself perfectly clear, Fine China?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Blaine responds on autopilot, debating whether he could crack his own school with Wes’ gavel.
“I have to go, anyway,” Sunshine says slowly, getting her feet. “Have to prepare for Nationals.” She barely mutters a farewell before skittering out of the coffee shop.
“The rest of you - scatter!” Sue demands.
Tina and Mike don’t need to be told twice - they slide out of their seats, breaking hold on each other’s hands to get past Sue before joining again. “Bye guys!” Tina calls back before exiting.
Sue shoots Blaine and Wes withering glares before leaving them alone.
When she’s gone, Blaine realizes that his nickname matches with Kurt’s, so that must mean she kind of approves, right? That thought perks him up a lot, even though she’s definitely psychotic and flat-out insulted him.
Wes sighs wearily. “Well, I guess that was a bust.”
Blaine’s phone vibrates in his pocket and he closes his eyes, knowing who it is.
BRITTANY JUST TOLD ME THAT WE’RE DATING.
Oh wow, Brittany is very…special.
He winces as he types out: It was that Cheerios Coach!!!! She cornered me!!!! She called me FINE CHINA! I’ve never been so insulted and yet flattered IN MY LIFE.
Kurt sends: I told you to be frightened/not trust her, and did you listen, Mr. Let’s-Get-Sexified? No. You’ve brought it upon yourself.
Blaine writes: D: Hold me. I’m traumatized.
Kurt sends back: Courage :P
Blaine's so very tempted to tell his boyfriend to go fuck himself, but he tries to avoid using that kind of language.
“Stop texting your boyfriend! We have to mourn.”
Blaine really doesn't need this right now. “You know what, you’re right.”
“Of course I am!”
Blaine nods slowly. “I’m going to stop texting my boyfriend because I’m going to see my boyfriend right now. And we’re going to hold hands and cuddle and make out because you’ve been depriving me of it. So, I’m going to leave and do all those wonderful things.” Blaine gets to his feet and pulls down his blazer, adjusting his tie before sliding out of the booth. “I’ll see you in school tomorrow!” he finishes cheerfully before walking out.
Just as he’s walking to his car, thinking he’s finally home free, his phone buzzes in his pocket.
The dream isn’t dead! I’m going to find a faculty advisor and we’ll bring The Pan-Asian Association to Dalton like you first suggested - one day, a small, single-gender, prestigious academic school, the next, the ENTIRE
Blaine stops reading at this point because he’s had enough of Wes’ grandiose schemes for one lifetime. Or at least he’s reached his quota for the week.
Characters/Pairings: Blaine/Kurt, Wes, Mike/Tina, Sunshine + surprise appearances.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: In which Wes finds a group for only those of Asian origin; Kurt finds amusement in Blaine’s misery; and the Asians unite for about five minutes before everything falls apart, due to not-so-Asian people showing up at the meeting anyway.
A/N: Crack idea gone seriously out of hand. Some of this is definitely going to be jossed after the spring hiatus, but whatever, it was fun.
The Pan-Asian Association
Blaine should’ve seen this coming.
Wes almost single-handedly, after all, sanctioned the duet for Regionals, which allowed Blaine to confess to Kurt his new romantic feelings, which now puts Blaine in a very (very) happy place.
And when Blaine is in a very (very) happy place, he tends to be more generous than usual, which means people (i.e. his former friends) like to take advantage of it.
So that’s when Wes finds (corners) Blaine in a relatively empty common room just as Blaine was starting his history essay.
“Blaine, I need your help with something.”
Blaine soundlessly sighs in defeat. He guesses that he’s just not meant to make a dent in this paper today. “What is it?” he inquires genially because he’s close with Wes and he does owe him one (a million, really).
“It has occurred to me during my Current Events class that the Asian-American population is tragically low in the state of Ohio.”
Blaine cocks his head to the side. “You just realized this?”
Wes rolls his eyes in his typical condescending manner. “Of course I knew it, but just seeing the numbers really hit the point home for me. Which is why I’ve decided I’m going to start an organization in which the members would be of Asian origin.”
“You mean an Asian Club.”
“No, it won’t be as juvenile as a high school Asian Club.”
“But that’s essentially what it is. And are you really going to narrow the membership down to just Asians? As you said, the Asian population -”
“This is to create a united front!”
“Against what? You make it sound like we’re going to go to war against the Caucasian population, which is kind of insane. Also, you are aware that I’m half Caucasian, right?”
“Of course I’m aware. I just wanted to bring together all the Asian Americans that we knew so we could talk about issues.”
“What kind of issues?”
“We need a group name though,” Wes states, blatantly ignoring Blaine’s legitimate question.
“Asian Club?”
Wes shakes his head, pinching the space between his eyes, suddenly resembling a middle age man. “Just think of some names. We’ll meet after classes and discuss.” He gets to his feet and straightens out his blazer. “As you were,” he says before turning on his heel and leaving the room.
When Kurt finds Blaine a few minutes later, Blaine is staring at the mahogany table in front of him with an adorably confused expression on his face.
“A penny for your thoughts?” Kurt asks, shaking Blaine out of his reverie as he takes a seat on the chair Wes was in, crossing his legs elegantly. Blaine tries not to stare.
“I don’t think you’d want to give a penny to hear about it.”
Kurt quirks his eyebrow, intrigued.
“I’m not really sure what’s going on, but I’ll let you know when I get a handle on it.”
Kurt’s frown is so minuscule, but Blaine’s rather proud of himself for catching it because that means he’s getting better at noticing things.
“It’s not bad…it’s just. Wes. Crazy Wes shenanigans. Hopefully it’ll blow over by the end of the day and then I can tell you and then we can both be amused.”
Kurt’s eyes flash with amusement before his lips curl into a smile. Blaine kind of loves that. So he lets himself forget about Wes and focuses on Kurt because Kurt is a lot better than Wes’ planning, which will be forgotten by the end of the day.
~**~
Except not.
Wes finds Blaine after his final class and Blaine is forced to send Kurt a text message saying he’ll be running late. He kind of wants to cry because he’s been looking forward to holding Kurt’s hand for the past three periods.
Wes leads him to the room which Blaine and Kurt had their first kiss and Blaine is really starting to resent Wes right now.
Thankfully they don’t sit at the same table because that would just be weird (not to mention borderline sacrilegious), but Blaine has a perfect view of it, making him really wish Wes would just cuddle with his gavel somewhere so he could cuddle with Kurt.
Wes reaches into his satchel and pulls out a piece of flyleaf, Possible Names written neatly at the top.
“Well, do you have any ideas?” Wes asks, neighboring on demanding.
Blaine refrains from rolling his eyes as he reaches into his blazer and pulls out a pen. He quickly goes through synonyms for the word “club” and comes up with four on the spot. Then he writes “club” at the bottom, keeping an innocent expression on his face as Wes flushes angrily.
Wes immediately crosses out “club.”
“Now, I was thinking that it would be called ‘Pan-Asian’ Something.”
“Isn’t Pan-Asianism when you want Asian cultures to unite and fight against imperial -”
“Yes, but it could also mean a unification of all Asian cultures for a common goal.”
“But that’s pretty much what I -”
“Really, Blaine? League?”
Blaine clenches his jaw for a brief moment before following Wes’ gaze to the list of names.
“Yeah! It’ll make us sound like superheroes!” Blaine explains cheerfully.
Wes gets an ugly expression on his face before crossing that out. “This is serious, Blaine.”
Offended, Blaine reads Wes’ suggestions and asks, “Cartel? We’re not selling drugs!”
“Well, we’re not making music,” Wes points out, crossing out “band” as well as “cartel.”
“And we’re not starting a new religion based off our ancestry. Look how well that turned out in the past.”
“Fair point,” Wes concedes, crossing out “congregation.” But then he’s back to his obnoxious self by exclaiming, “Pack? Like we’re a pack of animals?”
“No!” Blaine retorts, not realizing until that moment that the word could be taken that way. “I was thinking of the Rat Pack! Or Brat Pack! You know…classy kids being awesome.”
Wes shoots Blaine an unimpressed look. “I doubt the girl who sprinkles dandruff onto a piece of art is considered classy. Or awesome, for that matter.”
Blaine glares because oh no he didn’t. Luckily, Wes’ suggestion above “pack” gives Blaine an opening to retaliate. “Coterie. Coterie?” Blaine shakes his head. “Asshole.”
“What? Really?” Wes really hates the idea of being a true asshole, even though by definition, he kind of is one (in a lovable way (most of the time, anyway (definitely not now))).
“Oh yeah.” Blaine turns the sheet so he can read it properly. “Okay, so we have ‘association,’ ‘crew,’ -”
“Uh, no we don’t.”
“Don't have what?”
“Crew. We’re not going to buy a boat and become pirates.”
Blaine’s rather impressed that Wes knew exactly what Blaine was thinking when he wrote that down. But he’s also angry because that would’ve been so cool, especially if they made a flag and had a warbler skull on it and -
“Blaine. No. It’s done.”
Blaine tries not to pout as he crosses it out. Just then, his phone chimes with a text; Wes glares as Blaine quickly pulls his phone out of his pocket.
If you’re not at the Lima Bean in seven minutes, I’m throwing away this calorie-bomb of a biscotti in the trash. And it was the last of the chocolate chip. Your choice.
“Sorry, Wes, I have to go. Very urgent business,” Blaine states, standing up and almost whacking Wes in the face as he swings his bag over his head to rest on his shoulder.
“Fine. Then I have full rights to picking the name!”
Blaine lets out a breath. “Fine. Just…” he double-checks the list one more time before crossing out one more. “I don’t want to get shot by a legitimate gang member.”
He makes it to the Lima Bean in eight minutes (damn those traffic lights!), but Kurt kept the biscotti anyway.
He really, really likes this boy. A lot.
~**~
The next day, Wes finds Blaine in the same common room as before (Blaine is definitely not clever enough to try to avoid Wes), attempting to start his history paper again.
“Voilà!”
Blaine lifts his gaze from his laptop to stare at horror at the fliers Wes is currently showing off with a beaming smile.
“The Pan-Asian Society? Why didn’t I cross that out…”
Wes drops the flier and rolls his eyes. “Because Dalton is so like Dead Poets Society. It’s perfect.”
“It makes us sound like pretentious wankers, which I know you are, but I’m not. Or, at least I try not to be on purpose, which you definitely do.”
“Exactly.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re like the ambassador between Dalton and the rest of the world.”
Blaine narrows his eyes. “That transition really made no sense. And what are you getting at?”
“You can attract people outside of Dalton!”
“I thought this was supposed to be a Dalton club?”
“For the last time, it’s not a club! It’s an organization. And I don’t want to restrict this by limiting it to just one school when we have access to others.”
“First off, you make it seem like I have social connections with every school in the state of Ohio, which is not true. Secondly, I’m pretty sure if you looked up organization in a thesaurus, club will be right there -”
“Blaine, be quiet. Don’t be a smart-ass. Just recruit other Asians that you know. Like from New Directions - they have two.”
“Oh my god. I can’t believe this,” Blaine laments, his hand twitching, wanting to run it through his hair, but of course that would be impossible. Almost literally - his hair was quite awful this morning and he used a ridiculous amount of gel to tame it.
Wes claps a hand on Blaine’s shoulder, his grip amazingly tight. “I knew you’d understand. You’re the best.” Before he leaves, he calls back, “I’ll change it to Association, alright? Then we’re going to put fliers up everywhere.”
The Pan-Asian Association.
Blaine is going to need serious therapy after this.
~**~
Blaine figures the easiest thing to do is to go on Facebook and just send a private message to all the Asians he knew: Wes, Tina, and Mike.
That’s actually really sad. He feels like he’s missing someone, but he’s tired and he doesn’t feel like thinking too deeply about this.
He writes “Asian Club” in the subject line because how could he not?
Hey everyone!
Wes has decided to act upon his newfound pride for his race and is forming a club for all those of Asian descent. You’re more than welcome to not join - I understand.
Oh, and I suppose if you happen to know any other Asians, then you could spread the word, even though I don’t recommend it.
Regards,
Blaine A.
Later that night, he’s surprised (and a little disappointed) to get a response from Tina, claiming that she and Mike would love join and asked when the first meeting will be.
Wes sends back a grinning face along with the correction that it would be called “The Pan-Asian Association.” Mike sends back “^_^ Awesome!!!” a little afterward. Blaine almost drops his head onto his desk.
Two hours later, he gets another message from Tina, saying she has a friend who may be interested and she’ll start a new message. Two minutes after that, he gets a notification for a message titled, “The Pan-Asian Association.”
The fifth person in the group is a girl named Sunshine Corazon. Deciding to do a little Facebook-stalking to avoid writing that history paper (he’s just going to end up writing it the night before anyway), he clicks on her name and scans through her page. She attends Carmel High and is a member of Vocal Adrenaline, which is definitely intimidating. And the weird this is that they have quite a number of friends in common, most of which are people of New Directions (sans Rachel), but the others are members of Blaine’s family.
That’s just bizarre. Especially when he glances at her wall, most of it’s in Filipino.
Oh sweet baby Jesus. That would just be too out of control.
But when he asks his mother, his fears are confirmed.
Wincing, he sends her a friend request with the message, “Kumusta, second cousin?”
Forget therapy, he’s going to need a lobotomy.
~**~
This time around, Blaine actively tries to avoid Wes (with Kurt’s help) because Wes is not only disrupting, he’s also inadvertently revealing familial drama in Blaine’s life. It’s very unnecessary. And Blaine was in such a good place at the beginning of this week…
He’s currently in the freshman common room, resting his head on Kurt’s shoulder as he complains about Wes and about this stupid Asian Club and discovering a new cousin through Facebook. He’s scarred for life, basically.
Kurt merely pats Blaine’s hand and coos, “Poor baby.”
Then Wes comes barging in, an enraged expression on his face. “There you are, trying to hide from me, are you?”
Kurt tenses under Blaine’s head. “Wow, that was actually scary. And it’s my cue to leave.”
Blaine grips Kurt’s hand. “No, don’t leave me, please,” he whimpers rather pathetically.
“I’m sorry, I’m not Asian. I can’t partake in this conversation.” Kurt quickly gets up and Blaine almost topples over. “Text me when you’re done!”
“You’re so cruel!”
Kurt laughs and it’s kind of beautiful.
Wes takes Kurt’s spot on the couch and Blaine’s face twists into a grimace.
“So I realized last night that we forgot to invite Jackie Chang - I’m mean Chung to our group! I figured, he’d appreciate it. So I go to find him after Physics and what does he do? He loudly declares that he’s an American and runs in the opposite direction of his next class!”
Blaine shrugs. “I don’t blame him for wanting to run away from you. And he’s entitled to do what he wants.”
“He clearly doesn’t have pride for his nationality.”
“Nationalities. His mom is Japanese and his dad is Korean.”
“…Seriously? Then why did they name him -?”
“I think they were going for irony.”
“Well they’re responsible for making him a miserable berk.”
“Hey, that’s not true! Last year, Jackie Cha-Chung and I had a wonderful discussion about Disney films and how they represent the -”
“I don’t really care, Blaine. When it comes down to it, he has no desire to join The Pan-Asian Association, thus, he is practically dead to me.”
“You’ve officially lost your mind. All that power in the council has gotten to your head,” Blaine states, “Jeff so had the right idea by wanting to burn that gavel.”
By saying that, it was equivalent to kicking Wes’ baby puppy. “How dare you.”
“Just…what do you want now? Did you interrupt Kurt and Blaine Time just so you can complain about Jackie Chung-Chang. Wait, FUCK, I was right the first time!” Blaine bemoans.
Wes cackles.
“Anyway, as I was saying,” Blaine continues, frowning, “Is there a point to your coming over to talk to me?”
“Do you really refer to it as Kurt and Blaine Time in your head?”
“Yes.”
Wes raises his eyebrows, making Blaine flush a little.
“Okay. Well yeah, did you interrupt it so you could complain about Jackie Chung being a smart cookie and not participating in this madness?” Blaine asks to bring the conversation back on track.
“Yes. And also to inform you that we’re going to have our first meeting tomorrow after school at the Lima Bean. We were going to do Breadstix, but we figured it would be an awkward time to go to a restaurant.”
“Right, because this isn’t already awkward enough.”
Wes fixes him with a cold stare. “I’ll see you then, Junior Warbler.”
Blaine mimes Wes in a very immature manner when Wes leaves the common room. Once he’s gone, Blaine sends Kurt a text:
GET BACK HERE SO YOU CAN COMFORT ME.
~**~
Blaine and Wes are cradling coffees in a booth at the Lima Bean, waiting for Mike, Tina, and Sunshine to get out of their schools, which are let out later.
“What are we going to be talking about today?” Blaine groans, taking a sip of his non-fat mocha. It’s not his favorite thing in the world, but it’s one of Kurt’s favorites, so he can maybe pretend during this awful meeting that he tastes Kurt instead.
…That seemed a lot nicer and cuter before he put his feelings into words. Now he’s half-considering buying a new coffee because it’s creeping him out.
“Well, I was thinking we could discuss a fundraiser of sorts. There was the recent tragedy in Japan - it’s our duty as fellow Asians to help each other out.”
“Actually, it’s kind of a world duty to help out your fellow man -”
“Oh, look! Mike and Tina are here!” Wes exclaims, nodding toward the door.
Mike and Tina walk into the coffee shop hand-in-hand, looking blissfully happy. Wes grimaces.
“You see that? That’s what you and Kurt look like in the hallways and it’s kind of sickening,” he explains, his upper lip twitching.
Blaine grins for a moment before realizing something very important Kurt told him before this meeting:
“Please, don’t bring up our being boyfriends - I still have to tell Dad and New Directions is awful when it comes to gossiping.”
“Wes, you can’t say anything about Kurt and me,” Blaine whispers to Wes quickly, “Kurt hasn’t told anyone yet.”
Wes nods curtly, a brief glimpse of the sane man Blaine new he could be, before greeting Tina and Mike with a welcoming smile. “Hello,” he says, getting to his feet and holding out his hand. “I’m Wes, a member of the senior council of the Warblers. It’s a pleasure to formally meet you.”
Tina, with a bemused expression on her face, reaches out an arm covered by a legwarmer (huh?) to shake his hand. “Tina. Nice to meet you.”
Mike, with a pleasant smile on his face, shakes Wes’ hand enthusiastically. “Mike.”
Tina slides into the seat with Blaine, giving him a kind smile as Mike takes the seat next to Wes and across from Tina. They immediately go for each other’s hands on the table, which makes Blaine seethe with jealousy - he should be doing that with Kurt right now!
“Have you seen Sunshine Corazon?” Wes asks Mike and Tina.
Mike shakes his head and Tina responds, “No, but she’ll be here in a minute or so. Something about a Vocal Adrenaline crisis.”
“Okay, great.”
Wes then pulls out his gavel and a wooden coaster and Blaine almost spits his mocha everywhere.
“Please tell me you’re not holding your gavel right now.”
“Oh, Blaine, be quiet. As president of The Pan-Asian Association, it’s good to have a means of keeping order.”
“There’s four of us at the table!”
Wes smacks his gavel on the coaster, causing the four tables around them to glance at them. Blaine’s face heats in embarrassment and shoots them apologetic smiles. Mike looks tempted to bolt and Tina’s eyebrows are so high on her forehead, they might disappear in her hairline before this meeting draws to a close.
“Please calm down, Mr. Anderson.”
Mike laughs, discreetly shifting in his seat so there’s a greater distance between him and Wes. “That’s so cool.”
Wes narrows his eyes at Mike. “What is?”
“Blaine’s name! Mr. Anderson,” he finishes, sounding remarkably like Hugo Weaving. “Like The Matrix! So bad ass.”
Blaine smiles. “Yeah, it’s not a bad thing to be linked to. Except the sequels. Those were terrible.”
“I know, right? How could they’ve failed so epically with such an amazing start?”
Blaine sighs. “A great mystery of life.”
Wes rolls his eyes as Mike nods solemnly.
“Hey guys!”
They whip their heads to find Sunshine plopping a chair at the end of the table, smiling cheerfully. “I only have about an hour or so before I have to go back for rehearsal.”
“Wait, how are you allowed to be here right now? I thought Vocal Adrenaline practiced until midnight.”
Blaine thinks Tina is exaggerating until he notices the pure curiosity on her face; Vocal Adrenaline can’t be that intense, right?
“Yeah, but six people collapsed due to exhaustion, three of which are important dancers, and then someone called 911 so we’re forbidden to rehearse for an hour. Of course, we have to make up for it by staying at the school until two, but,” Sunshine shrugs, “That’s what you pay for perfection.”
Blaine might throw up.
“O…kay. So now that we’re all here…let’s get started!” Wes asserts, reaching into his satchel again, this time pulling out a manila folder filled with a small stack of papers. Mike eyes it warily while Tina shoots Blaine look that demands an explanation. Blaine can only stare back with a, “Trust me, I know it’s crazy, but it’s best to just accept it and keep your mouth closed.”
Blaine catches Sunshin’s eye for a moment and they look away out of pure discomfort.
Tina pats Blaine’s knee with her free hand out of sympathy.
“We can assign ourselves positions within the organization,” Wes continues, “Since I founded this, I will be President of The Pan-Asian Association. And Sunshine, would you like to be Vice President?”
Blaine chokes on his drink. “Excuse me?” Then he stutters a, “No offense to you! Really!” to Sunshine, who brushes it off with a wave of her hand. “Wes!” Blaine hisses, “Are you kidding? You came to me about this ridiculous project!”
“Yeah, but in actuality, you’re a half-member.”
Blaine has never felt so unwelcomed to and so insulted by a group he really never really wanted to be a part of in the first place. “How am I a half-member?”
“Because you’re only half Filipino! The other half of you is not acknowledged at this table.”
Blaine’s jaw drops.
“Hey, is this the Asian Club?”
Everyone at the table glances up to find Brittany standing by Sunshine, her hands stuffed in the pockets of her skirt. Blaine flushes, remembering her as the girl he (and every other member of New Directions) licked salt off of at that party; he’s pretty sure he did it twice.
“Britt…what are you doing here?” Tina asks slowly.
“To join,” Brittany answers, as if Tina just asked the dumbest question, “I’m Asian on Sundays.”
A confused silence envelops the group. “What?” Tina asks, deciding to be the brave soul to venture forth.
Wes looks like he did the one time Thad took his seat at the council table for a laugh. He first looked genuinely confused, then when he realized people were amused, his face contorted into something of disgust and pure anger on his face that caused everyone to freeze for five seconds before Thad nearly fell on his face trying to get out of the chair. Nobody ever tried that again after that look.
“Yeah, my parents and I eat Chinese food on Sundays at my house,” Brittany responds. “Also my eyes are kind of narrow likes yours,” she adds, looking at Tina, who lets go of Mike’s hand in order to bring hers to her eyes in concern.
“Okay, this is borderline offensive.”
“Wes, stop, don’t take it seriously it’s not -” Blaine starts but Tina cuts him off.
“Hey, leave Brittany alone,” she snaps at Wes before smiling kindly at Brittany, “Brittany, just because you eat Chinese food once a week doesn’t mean that you’re Asian. It just means you have good taste in food.”
Brittany frowns. “Oh. Okay.”
“But come to my house later - my parents can make us some banchan - it’s a bunch of Korean side dishes.”
“Wait…can I come?” Mike asks in a small voice and doubled with the puppy expression on his face, Blaine finds him absolutely adorable. Tina melts immediately and nods.
Mike grins and Blaine’s going to have to ask Kurt later why he never crushed on that boy (because although Finn is cute…come on). Besides, Mike has to have abs like a god with the way that he dances.
Oh my god, he does not have a crush on Mike Chang because Blaine Anderson is pretty much in love with Kurt Hummel! But that doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate a good-looking boy, right? Right?
“Okay. I’ll see you later,” Brittany says with a smile, waving at everyone before walking away.
Wes stares after her for a few seconds before clearing his throat. “Before we got distracted by a clearly confused girl, whom the Lima school system utterly failed, I was going to suggest that as an organization focused on the issues of those of the Asian race, we should be hard at work in the relief efforts in Japan.”
They nod, urging Wes to continue, not that he needs any prompting.
“We could start out small, maybe host a bake sale or perhaps we can throw a benefit concert, combining the talents of the Warblers and New Dir -”
“Oh my god, is that Coach Tanaka?” Mike blurts, pointing at the window.
Blaine follows Mike’s finger, even though he has no idea whom Mike is referring to. All Blaine can find is a rather chubby fellow dressed in very short shorts, despite the cold weather and a sweatshirt with the hood up. In fact, this individual looks kind of sketchy, especially since he seems to be staring at them. Once the man realizes that the table is staring at him, he scurries off.
“Wait…did you say his name was Tanaka? He’s Japanese?” Wes asks, starting to sound high-strung. Or just overexcited. “He would complete the set! We already have the Philippines, China, and Korea!” He looks about ready to bolt from the table to run after him.
“The set?” Sunshine asks, her brow furrowing in confusion, “Is this a sort of English slang I’m unfamiliar with?”
“No, it’s exactly what you think it is,” Tina says, looking somewhat frightened.
“I told you not to join,” Blaine whispers.
“I thought it was a joke,” Mike retorts, gripping Tina’s hand. “I’m leaving. This is scaring me.” He gets to his feet, turning to Wes to come up with a bullshit excuse before they hear:
“Alright, time to break up this androgynous group of wannabe pop stars.”
Wes stares at Sue Sylvester in confusion. Tina looks around the table once before grinning, probably imagining everyone dressed like a Korean pop star. Blaine wonders how the hell Sue Sylvester would know about that, but decides not to linger on it.
“Excuse me, but what makes you think you have the power to shut down this organization?” Wes asks.
Blaine kicks Wes in the shins, but the guy has nerves of steel and doesn’t even grace Blaine with a glare.
“Because I don’t like the idea of so many short people congregating in one place,” Sue answers, narrowing her eyes at Wes, probably planning his imminent demise.
“But I’m not that short…” Mike points out.
With Mike standing up, it’s obvious that he and Sue Sylvester are about the same height. But then she takes a step forward and suddenly jerks her head into his personal space, as if she’s about to head-butt him, causing him to fall back into his seat out of shock.
“You always are in the presence of Sue Sylvester.”
Kurt was certainly not exaggerating in his warnings about the Coach of the Cheerios. Why didn’t Blaine listen?
“Weren’t you the director for Aural Intensity? You punched the lieutenant governor’s wife!” Wes exclaims suddenly.
Tina tries to kick Wes in the shins, but ends up kicking Blaine as well.
“Ouch,” Blaine mutters, reaching underneath the table to rub his calf.
His quiet exclamation catches Sue’s interest and she zeroes in on him. “You. You’re that overexcited leprechaun who leads the Swallows -”
“Warblers,” Wess corrects her.
“I’m sorry, you’ve mistaken me for an individual who cares about your insipid group of Communists-in-training.” Her attention is brought back to Blaine, which he doesn’t really like. “How’s my sweet Porcelain? You were smart enough to give him a solo.”
“Actually, Blaine has no control over the decisions -”
“Well?” Sue demands, ignoring Wes.
“Oh, well, Kurt is doing well,” Blaine starts, trying to keep his nerves together, “And, um…”
“Well? I expect better of Porcelain’s new boy toy.”
Blaine’s eyes widen and he blushes (way to give it away, Blaine!), which Tina catches right away. Her jaw drops.
“No way.”
He groans in response.
“Now you listen to me, Fine China -”
“Wait, is that supposed to be a nickname? I’m not even Chinese, I’m half Fil -”
“You will accept this nickname without complaint. Unless you’d prefer Hairy Hobbit or Gremlin.”
“Holy cow, I think I’m in love.”
“Wes, come on!” Blaine whines.
Sue points a finger at Blaine. “You treat Porcelain right. Or you’ll have to deal with me, and I will force-feed you the hair products you so liberally apply to your disturbing head of hair. It’s demonic, almost in the same league as one Will Schuester.”
“New Directions’ director?”
Tina and Mike are now staring openly at Blaine. “She’s right,” Tina breathes, “You could be his son.”
“Creepy,” Mike adds unnecessarily.
Blaine’s kind of on the verge of tears at this point. His second cousin is staring at this display with a mixture of fear, amusement, and confusion and New Directions is going to know about his dating Kurt within five minutes if Tina texting under the table means anything. And not only that, he was just compared to a man well into his thirties who wears vests.
“Do I make myself perfectly clear, Fine China?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Blaine responds on autopilot, debating whether he could crack his own school with Wes’ gavel.
“I have to go, anyway,” Sunshine says slowly, getting her feet. “Have to prepare for Nationals.” She barely mutters a farewell before skittering out of the coffee shop.
“The rest of you - scatter!” Sue demands.
Tina and Mike don’t need to be told twice - they slide out of their seats, breaking hold on each other’s hands to get past Sue before joining again. “Bye guys!” Tina calls back before exiting.
Sue shoots Blaine and Wes withering glares before leaving them alone.
When she’s gone, Blaine realizes that his nickname matches with Kurt’s, so that must mean she kind of approves, right? That thought perks him up a lot, even though she’s definitely psychotic and flat-out insulted him.
Wes sighs wearily. “Well, I guess that was a bust.”
Blaine’s phone vibrates in his pocket and he closes his eyes, knowing who it is.
BRITTANY JUST TOLD ME THAT WE’RE DATING.
Oh wow, Brittany is very…special.
He winces as he types out: It was that Cheerios Coach!!!! She cornered me!!!! She called me FINE CHINA! I’ve never been so insulted and yet flattered IN MY LIFE.
Kurt sends: I told you to be frightened/not trust her, and did you listen, Mr. Let’s-Get-Sexified? No. You’ve brought it upon yourself.
Blaine writes: D: Hold me. I’m traumatized.
Kurt sends back: Courage :P
Blaine's so very tempted to tell his boyfriend to go fuck himself, but he tries to avoid using that kind of language.
“Stop texting your boyfriend! We have to mourn.”
Blaine really doesn't need this right now. “You know what, you’re right.”
“Of course I am!”
Blaine nods slowly. “I’m going to stop texting my boyfriend because I’m going to see my boyfriend right now. And we’re going to hold hands and cuddle and make out because you’ve been depriving me of it. So, I’m going to leave and do all those wonderful things.” Blaine gets to his feet and pulls down his blazer, adjusting his tie before sliding out of the booth. “I’ll see you in school tomorrow!” he finishes cheerfully before walking out.
Just as he’s walking to his car, thinking he’s finally home free, his phone buzzes in his pocket.
The dream isn’t dead! I’m going to find a faculty advisor and we’ll bring The Pan-Asian Association to Dalton like you first suggested - one day, a small, single-gender, prestigious academic school, the next, the ENTIRE
Blaine stops reading at this point because he’s had enough of Wes’ grandiose schemes for one lifetime. Or at least he’s reached his quota for the week.