SPN Fic: Capax Infiniti, Part I
Title: Capax Infiniti, Part I
Author: missgoalie75
Artist(s): teamabodo
Beta: xsaturated
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~13,700
Characters/Pairings: Jimmy, Amelia, Claire, Castiel, OMCs, OFCs; Jimmy/Amelia
Disclaimer: Lyrics used in this fic and Supernatural and its characters don't belong to me.
Spoilers/Warnings: through 4x22 and minor for 6x20; language, mental illness (OC), mentioned suicide (OC), OC character death (only mentioned, but the character is a child)
Summary: While Castiel takes possession of Jimmy's body, he let's Jimmy live through his happiest memories, but the events happening outside of Jimmy's mind interrupt his peace.
Art Masterpost: HERE
Notes: Thank you to Nikki for being my beta and helping me work out my ideas and thank you to Kira for playing a huge inspiration for an important aspect of this story. Lastly but certainly not least, thank you to my wonderful artist who created the most amazing art to go along with this piece.
Capax Infiniti
Jimmy Novak blinks and he finds himself standing in a garden.
He's no longer wearing a suit, trench coat, and dress shoes. Instead he's wearing his once favorite shirt with Duran Duran's Rio album cover printed on it, worn and comfortable like it was the last time he saw it before it was stolen fifteen years ago. And he's wearing his favorite pair of jeans - soft from too many washes and there's a hole inside the back left pocket.
There's lush grass under his feet and flowers in his peripheral, vibrant and colorful, and it reminds him of the The Secret Garden a little, which makes him wish that Claire was here to see a bedtime story come to life.
He turns around, admiring the quiet and serenity until he sees himself standing a few feet away, wearing the suit and trench coat and dress shoes he was wearing before. Although this version of himself has an unsettling air to him, causing the hair on his arms to stand up, his breath to hitch in his throat.
"Castiel," Jimmy murmurs.
Castiel takes a few steps toward him and Jimmy can see how unnaturally blue his eyes are, almost neon. "Jimmy."
Jimmy swallows thickly. "Where are we?"
"Inside your mind."
Jimmy looks around, the scenery unchanged.
"This is a construct of my creation," Castiel answers without Jimmy having to ask, although he no doubt sensed his confusion and curiosity.
While peaceful and stunning, it may be just a little too fantastical because even though Jimmy hasn't seen very many gardens larger than a backyard, he's sure some of these colors don't exist, that with his human eyes, he wouldn't be able to notice beyond red and purple and blue.
"You are doing a great service for Heaven and Our Father," Castiel continues. "I just have one request that also requires your consent."
Jimmy narrows his eyes at him. "Alright," he says, permitting him to continue.
"If you would like, I can access your memories - your happiest ones - and have you experience them as I go about fulfilling my duties."
"Can't you just - aren't you already in my head? Shouldn't you automatically have access?" Jimmy blurts, bewildered at the concept of an all-powerful angel needing a simple human’s permission to do what must be so easy.
"Yes, but I could simply slip your mind into an unconscious state as well."
Jimmy still finds it strangely kind that he's giving him a choice, although maybe free will is something that cannot ever be taken away from a human being, a rule of Heaven and God's angels.
Maybe being unconscious won't be terrible, although the idea of essentially being asleep without know when he'll be waking up is terrifying. It reminds him of being ten when his grandpa died in his sleep and he was so afraid of the same thing happening to him.
"Yeah - yes. You can…go through my memories," Jimmy says, clearing his throat.
Castiel nods, taking another step closer, power blazing in his eyes as he brings two fingers to his forehead. Jimmy feels a warm pulse bleed through his skin and bones before his eyes shut.
**
Jimmy opens his eyes to Maggie Merlis kissing him in Greg Samson's basement closet on Halloween of 1986. It's his first kiss during a game of Seven Minutes of Heaven and he's dressed as Jason from Friday the 13th since it's the easiest to dress for. He borrowed the mask from Alex across the street, which is now hanging off the back of his neck.
Maggie has white fluffy wings and a golden halo above her head and he hopes her bright pink lipstick isn't all over his mouth. But his breathing is shallow and he's trying to keep his hands from shaking because he kissed a girl.
Although he could've gone without having "Rock Me Amadeus" as a soundtrack because that song is getting annoying.
The door flies open and they blink at the light as their friends catcall and wolf-whistle. Jimmy brings a hand to his mouth and pink shows up on his fingers, but he thinks he can probably get away with it this once. Although he's grateful when his best friend David hands him a tissue all the same.
"So, how was it?" David asks eagerly.
Jimmy remembers Alex telling him that you shouldn't kiss and tell, but this is his best friend, so he says, "It was awesome."
David slaps him on the back. "I'm gonna go back in - I'm crossing my fingers for Lizzie because she's so hot and seriously, who wouldn't want to get with MJ?" he says, throwing his arms off to show off his Michael Jackson ensemble.
Jimmy doesn't bother pointing out that it seems like Michael Jackson is starting to lose it, but he doesn't follow all that too well. It doesn't help that Alex scoffs whenever he comes up on the radio.
He catches Maggie's eye across the room and they smile at each other, her cheeks turning bright pink and he feels on top of the world. He goes to the refreshments table and grabs a Coke, taking a swig and closing his eyes as it goes down his throat.
**
He opens his eyes and gloria, in excelsis Deo is falling from his lips at age six during Christmas Eve mass. His parents are on either side of him, standing so tall and it's so warm in the church, every seat filled and there are people standing in the way back too.
The way everyone is singing together, high voices mixing with low, Jimmy thinks they all sound like a chorus of angels.
His mother puts an arm around his shoulders and he leans into her touch automatically, shutting his eyes briefly to listen.
**
Jimmy suddenly wakes up from dozing off and he can't believe he missed part of Back to the Future, but traveling two hours to Chicago has been exhausting, having gone to mass early in the morning.
He wakes up due to Marty being unable to play the guitar anymore, the notes jarring and loud. He sneaks a glance next to him but Alex hasn't noticed yet.
"Earth Angel" is still playing and his mother loves this song, dancing to it in the kitchen when she pulls out her records.
He unwittingly starts humming along and the theater bursts into applause when George McFly pushes the bully away and kisses Lorraine, Marty's existence saved. Alex whistles, sharp and clear, and Jimmy laughs because Alex has to be the loudest person in the room, always.
Jimmy starts wiggling a little in his seat to the beats of "Johnny B Goode" and Alex shoves his head with a hand and Jimmy turns his head away, shutting his eyes so he doesn't get a finger in the eye.
**
His throat is burning from the shot and his eyes are squeezed shut as he tries not to cough. Kyle from his freshman year Public Relations class is slapping him on the back, laughing.
"Come on Christian Boy, suck it up."
"Hey, at least I took it in one go," Jimmy answers in a hoarse voice. "I feel like I just drank gasoline what the hell did I just take?"
"Wild Turkey, my friend."
Jimmy furrows his brow.
"Bourbon," Kyle further explains with a roll of his eyes. "Jesus, what did you do in high school - did you not even try to sneak any church wine?"
Jimmy rolls his eyes. "It's called the Sacramental wine and no, I told you I went to public school."
"Well you might as well have gone to Catholic school. It's a good thing you met me because I can teach you things so the world doesn't judge you."
"No, you just judge me."
Kyle grins and winks at him before ordering two beers. The bartender Charlie doesn't bother checking their IDs even though they're barely twenty. The rule is tipping is required, a generous one at that, which Jimmy always leaves after Kyle takes their drinks back to their table. Jimmy gives Charlie a rueful smile on his face, but Charlie isn't having any of it.
"He better watch it," Charlie warns. "I'll kick him out next time. Getting sick of his shit."
"I'll talk to him," Jimmy tells him. "Sorry."
Charlie waves him off and Jimmy heads back to the table where Kyle is already chugging his drink. Sighing, Jimmy takes a seat and sips at his beer. "You have to tip next round, Kyle. Charlie's pissed."
"He's always pissed," Kyle snorts. "I'm a loyal customer."
Jimmy shakes his head, rolling his eyes when Kyle slams down his empty beer, satisfied and smug.
Jimmy looks around the bar, almost full of ISU students, some of which are already drunk. There's a guy who seems to be celebrating his twenty-first birthday and he falls off his stool with a crash. Half the bar gets quiet until he yells, "I'm okay!"
Jimmy's about to turn back to Kyle and ask if he invited Jon out with them because he can't stand that guy, but a group of girls walking into the bar catch his attention. Kyle whistles lowly by his ear. "Check the rack on that brunette. Jesus Christ."
Jimmy rolls his eyes, knowing Kyle won't listen to his complaints if he brings up his dislike of using the Lord's name in vain, but it all disappears when he catches the eye of one of them. She's not as voluptuous as the brunette Kyle is eyeing - in fact, there's nothing that really distinguishes her, but her smile is infectious and lovely.
Having it directed at him - even a smaller, shyer one - is enough to make him flush around his neck. He returns it with a smile of his own.
"Did you just check out a girl? Call the presses!"
Jimmy shoots Kyle a glare, wondering not for the first time why he bothers with him.
(He knows it's because he reminds him of Alex but he doesn't want to think about Alex, not now.)
"Hey, can I have your beer? Too lazy to go up for another. Also I think Charlie is going to throw me out," Kyle says, already taking Jimmy's beer.
"Are you joking?"
"Here, I'll front you the cash, just go! Right now!"
Jimmy narrows his eyes and takes the cash, muttering under his breath as he makes his way around the tables to the counter. Charlie just side eyes him when he makes it.
"He's afraid of me," Charlie states.
Jimmy sighs. "I'll take another beer, please."
"Same here."
Jimmy whips his head to his left and there she is.
Kyle does have his moments after all.
"I got it, don't worry," Jimmy says as she pulls out her wallet.
She smiles. "Thank you." She curls a piece of caramel-colored hair behind her. "I'm Amelia."
"Jimmy. Nice to meet you."
Charlie slides over their drinks and Jimmy hands him the entire bill. "It's on Kyle," Jimmy tells him.
Charlie grins and takes the money with a flourish. "Enjoy."
"Kyle?" Amelia asks, taking a sip of beer. "You mean that guy you were sitting with who was blatantly staring at my friend Sandra's chest?"
Jimmy nearly chokes on his beer. "I'm sorry about him."
Amelia laughs. "We're all used to it. She's taken, though. Boyfriend's in grad school."
"I'll be sure to inform him."
"Come on, Amelia. We said all girls' night!"
Amelia's friend Sandra comes up behind Amelia, nearly scaring her. "Right," Amelia says, flustered. "I'll see you around, I guess," she directs towards Jimmy.
"Have a good night, Amelia."
She gives him a large smile and there's no doubt in his mind that he's a little in love with her.
"Hey, Charlie, I'll take another beer," Jimmy calls out.
Charlie huffs. "Really?"
"Yeah, kinda owe Kyle."
"What, for her?" Charlie says, nodding at the empty space where Amelia was standing.
Jimmy shrugs, smiling.
"Fine. Just because he did a good deed. Next time he better come up to my face and tip me, got it?"
When Jimmy comes back to the table and slides the beer towards Kyle, he says, "Thank you."
Kyle just winks at him and throws back his beer before taking up the next one. "Wait, where the fuck's my change?"
**
Jimmy jolts back to the priest's sermon, guilty, but his head is pounding and next time he plans on going out on a Saturday night, he should go to the Saturday evening mass.
He sighs, pulling on his collar a little and forcing himself to not check his watch. Instead, his eyes wander around the church, which is filled with young families and elderly couples; there aren't a lot of ISU students with him except -
There's Amelia to his right, wearing a yellow sundress and looking so, so pretty.
He's a little ashamed that he stares at her more than the priest for the rest of mass.
**
He blinks at the bright sun when he steps outside, going down the steps and calling out, "Amelia," when he spots her a few feet away.
She turns around and beams at him. "Jimmy? Hi! How are you?"
He gives her a grim smile. "I've been better, admittedly. You?"
She pats his arm sympathetically. "I'm fine, although I've been in your shoes once or twice. Do you always go to Sunday mass?"
"Yeah, when I can. Although I may have to reconsider that if there are more Saturdays like yesterday to come."
"Rough night?" she asks with a raised eyebrow.
"Don't ever get into a chugging contest with Kyle McCarthy - you will lose. Embarrassingly, if I might add."
"Why, did you puke?"
"Close - I spat out half a beer spectacularly. I probably won't go back for a month."
Amelia laughs with her entire body - she throws her head back and is shamelessly loud. "Well that's a shame. I guess I'll just have to see you next mass, then."
When it turns out they both live in East Campus, Jimmy may have skipped back to his room, just a little.
**
Claire's crying immediately wakes him up and he has to gently shake Amelia's shoulder because she's still a heavy sleeper. "Ames," he says.
She groans, but gets up. "Feeding?" she mumbles, eyes still closed as she pushes the comforter off herself.
"If it's a changing you're free to whack me."
"I'll hold you to that."
She picks up Claire from the cot before relaxing in their bed again. A strap from her tank top is already off, so she just guides Claire to her breast. Jimmy carefully brings an arm around her shoulders so she can rest against his side.
"'M gonna fall asleep," Amelia murmurs, resting her head on his shoulder.
He smiles, running a hand up and down her arm as he watches Claire suckle and there's something so miraculous about such a tiny thing just knowing what to do.
Even though Amelia ends up falling asleep ten minutes later, he's still watching.
**
"Are you okay?"
Jimmy opens his eyes, looking down at Amelia with a sleepy expression. She's long lost her witch's hat - he thinks he last saw it on Kyle's head since he's been collecting everyone's hats - and her eye makeup is smudged a bit, but her cheeks are flushed and her smile is wide.
"Yeah, jus comin' down," he slurs a bit, resting his head against the wall of the hallway. "You?"
"Same. So, so tired. I'd go back to my room, but I don' have the key," she pouts.
He goes to grab her wrist, but his sight is a bit off so he ends up actually grabbing her hand instead. Too drunk and too pleased to care, he leads her further down the hallway until they reach the door leading to the staircases, which are thankfully empty. Gently tugging her down, he sits down on the ground and she follows quickly after.
They fall asleep until Kyle rips open the door, screaming for him.
Jimmy bangs his head against the wall and groans, closing his eyes and Amelia drops her head on his shoulder.
(They're still holding hands.)
**
Halloween this year is cold, but Amelia has Claire wearing a sweater and her winter coat underneath her witch's garb. The bright blue scarf Claire is supposed to be wearing is in her trick-or-treat basket because witches don't wear blue, Mom!
Amelia is letting it go because she sort of has a point, but the moment Claire shivers, the scarf is going around her neck.
They go up and down their block and then to the cul-de-sac down the road because the four houses there tend to go all-out during the holidays, their decorations lavish and crazy.
Even though Claire's too old for this, he carries her halfway back to their house. She's still small enough that his back doesn't strain like a lot of his friends' when they attempt to carry their kids. Amelia is carrying Claire's basket, peaking inside to see what she got.
"She's so your daughter, there's a gross amount of Snickers in here," Amelia says with a grimace. "I've failed as a mother."
Jimmy laughs quietly, rubbing a hand up and down his daughter's back. "She got the good taste from me, what can I say."
"Ew, and what is wrong with the Smiths? They're as bland as their name - pretzels? Who gives pretzels on Halloween?"
"At least they're Halloween themed."
She shakes her head. "Terrible."
"The real tragedy would be if she got licorice," Jimmy points out.
"So true."
Once they've made it back to their house, Jimmy lowers Claire to couch, taking off her hat to run a hand through her hair. "Claire, we're home."
She blearily opens her eyes, but is alert in a few moments when she asks, "Did you steal any of my candy?"
"No," he responds with a laugh, "you took too many Snickers for Mom to steal."
"I know, that's why I'm asking you."
He widens his eyes in surprise and laughs again. "No, but I'm not above it."
She stares at him with a hard expression and he has to bite the inside of cheek to keep his face neutral. "I can give you one Snickers. Actually two, since you carried me home."
"That sounds fair. And hey, you know what would make Mom really happy?"
"What?"
"Give her all the licorice you got. And the pretzels."
Claire stares at him as if he's crazy for a few seconds before it clicks, then she grins. "Okay." She jumps off the couch and runs into the kitchen.
He waits a minute until he hears Amelia yell, "Jimmy!" in an exasperated tone before joining them, laughing the whole time.
**
Dargan Park isn't Jimmy's favorite park in Pontiac. It's smaller and it only has a playground, which is great for Claire, but not much else otherwise.
Amelia is by the playground now with Claire, who's on a play date with Emily, a girl in Claire's pre-school. He's currently in the picnic pavilion with a book, trying to catch his breath after running with them for the past half hour.
He's reading The Dirt, the autobiography by the members of Mötley Crüe, a band he tolerated as a kid, but Alex loved them. When Jimmy read about its release in the paper, he decided to take it out of the library to maybe discover what about the band attracted Alex.
(Beyond the fact that their local church would reprimand anyone who expressed an interest in such a satanic band.)
He's heard about their discretions and Alex used to rant about how cool they were during long drives to Chicago, but Jimmy doesn't realize it until he's reading this autobiography that maybe all Alex wanted to do was live, even in extremes since God knows they weren't getting them in their small town.
And there's something strangely thoughtful and beautiful in Tommy Lee's love for his sons; there's pain in Nikki Sixx's traumatic childhood, Mick Mars' bone disease, and Vince Neil's loss of his daughter to cancer, which Jimmy can't even wrap his mind around.
It's just further proof that Alex always saw the truth in people beyond the façades, the good and the bad. That Alex saw something in Jimmy that was bigger than Eureka, Illinois, a town with a population of no more than five-thousand, less than half of Pontiac.
(Capax infiniti.)
He closes his eyes and says a prayer. When the sun shines out from a dark cloud, he smiles.
**
Jimmy and David are on the swings during recess, kicking their legs and swinging higher and higher.
"Let's jump!" David says, his brown eyes alight with mischief and maybe Jimmy can convince Alex to invite him out with them next time because Alex would definitely like David.
"Okay," Jimmy agrees, even though he's nervous.
"One!" David yells.
"Two," Jimmy says, gulping.
"Three!"
Jimmy lets go and for a moment, he flies.
**
Alex's family - the McCarthy O'Heas (they're very Irish) - is wealthy, all things considering. They rent a house on Lake Michigan every summer and Jimmy usually gets to go for a week, despite his mother's hesitations since she never cared for Alex, and her feelings only worsen with time.
Jimmy is fifteen and Alex is seventeen - it's the summer before Jimmy's sophomore year and Alex's senior year, but Alex doesn't want to talk about it, despite Mr. and Mrs. McCarthy O'Hea's insistence on thinking about college.
Jimmy is resting on a towel, wearing a worn out pair of green swim trunks and Alex's pair of Wayfarers that they've been sharing throughout the trip since Jimmy forgot his sunglasses at home. Alex is just coming out of the lake, dripping from head to toe and there's something strange about the way the sun is glinting off her red hair, now practically brown as it wetly sticks to her pale face.
"Come on, Jimmy-Jam!" Alex calls to him, her voice sounding strange. Maybe she inhaled water during her swim since she tends to inhale water whenever she first dives in.
"It's cold," Jimmy complains. "Maybe later."
Alex huffs and stomps over to his towel. Once she's in front of him, she shakes her head so drops of water will fall on him.
"Alex!" he yells, glaring up at her as he rubs his arms, which are covered in goosebumps.
"Come on, you big baby." And with strength that's really too much for her lithe frame, she pulls him up from the towel and leads him to the water.
The water is freezing, but it's a balm for his burned neck and shoulders and he laughs when he dunks Alex into the water, catching her by surprise.
**
Rio is released in May of 1982 and Jimmy is nine and only has the cassette because Alex got it for him. Jimmy hides it in a pair of socks he never wears because his mother wouldn't like knowing he listens to a band that is popular on MTV.
Duran Duran is coming to Chicago in July and Jimmy knows he's never going to see them, which he's okay with, which Alex finds bizarre because even though Duran Duran isn't her favorite, she's still angry on principle that she can't go to concerts whenever she pleases.
Especially since Donnie, her sixteen-year-old cousin from Chicago, gets to go to all the concerts and loves to rub it in Alex's face.
"Not looking forward to them coming today," Alex says, a grimace on her face that doesn't work on her face. "I don't even like Duran Duran that much and he'll still piss me off about it and how cool it was."
Jimmy's not a fan of Donnie either - he's kind of a jerk - but he holds his tongue because he's not supposed to talk about people behind their backs. "You shouldn't curse," he says instead.
Alex huffs. "Sorry," she grumbles before getting to her feet. "I have to go home, but I'll be back, okay? I know it'll be after dark, but just look out for me."
Jimmy's unsure because he really doesn't like disobeying his parents, but she's almost pleading, which she never does, so he nods.
"Okay, good, 'cause you're going to like it, trust me."
A few hours later Alex comes by with a t-shirt with Rio's album cover on it, saying how she had to pay her cousin a lot for him to get it for her. The shirt is way too big and he isn't going to be able to wear it for a while, but he clutches it to his chest before giving Alex a hug.
They never hug, Alex not very comfortable with affection, but he does it anyway, wondering why she feels so frail in his arms. "Thank you," he says.
"No problem. Just make sure your parents don't find it, okay?" Her voice is uncharacteristically soft and it's just wrong.
Suddenly there's a really strange bright light blinding him and he feels himself hurtling forward into nothing and then -
**
Jimmy's holding Amelia's hand too tightly when they walk up the stairs to Alex's room. Mr. and Mrs. McCarthy O'Hea had greeted them with tired smiles and gestured for them to go upstairs. They say Alex is doing well today, but for Jimmy, 'well' isn’t normal, isn't the Alex he grew up with.
Once they're in front of Alex's door, Jimmy squeezes his eyes shut, and takes a deep breath. Amelia remains steady by his side, patient as he readies himself to open the door.
Alex is smoking a cigarette in matching-set pajamas she wouldn't have been caught in before, staring out the window with those dead eyes that have haunted him since freshman year of college. Amelia squeezes his hand and "I love you" is always on the tip of his tongue these days.
"Hey, Alex?" Jimmy says roughly before clearing his throat.
Alex whips her head towards him and smiles. "Jimmy-Jam."
He almost cries and he thinks he smiles way too big. "Hi."
Her eyes drift to Amelia, a slow smile growing on her face. "And who's this?"
"Amelia," Amelia supplies, smiling. "It's nice to finally meet you. Jimmy has told me so much about you."
Alex hums and doesn't say anything.
"Uh, I brought cards," Jimmy stutters to break the silence, reaching into his pocket for the deck he bought a few months ago just for these visits. "I thought we could play Go Fish."
Alex winks at Amelia. "She can my team."
Jimmy winces at the fragmented sentence but lets it go. "Just as a warning, she's terrible," he says.
"Hey!" Amelia gasps, lightly hitting him.
Alex slips from time to time, but she's easy to draw back in today, which Jimmy's eternally grateful for. And when Amelia excuses herself to use the restroom, Alex gives him a knowing look that takes him back to when they were in high school. "I like her," Alex tells him.
Jimmy nods, wiping the corner of his eye quickly to prevent tears from falling. "That's good," he says, grinning.
(He can see a little bit of her tattoo from the opening in her shirt and his grin fades a little.)
As soon as Jimmy and Amelia step out of the house, Jimmy turns to Amelia and says, "I love you."
Her blue eyes widen and he can see Mrs. McCarthy O'Hea's hydrangeas reflected in the corners of her eyes. Then her face breaks into a gorgeous smile as she places her hands on either side of his face, whispering the words back against his mouth before kissing him.
**
There's a sensation of rising from deep waters and he can almost break the surface, so close -
**
Jimmy and Alex are sitting outside Alex's backyard, backs to the large tree that needs to be cut down because it's rotting from the inside out. It's Jimmy's first Thanksgiving break as a college student and he's missed home a lot more than he thought he would, despite his love for ISU.
Alex was happy enough in greeting him, but now she's staring off in the distance, something she's never really done before. He's trying to ignore the fact that her eyes look dead.
"You'd be proud of me," Jimmy says, a grimace on his face, "I made out with a girl whom I've never spoken to before at a Halloween party. Not my finest moment."
It takes a few beats too long for Alex to smile. "Finally, doing something age appropriate, Novak." She turns her head to look at him and her eyes are still dead.
He rubs his arms over his coat sleeves, a chill shuddering through him. "Yeah. My friend Kyle, whom you'd like, he's basically the little brother you never had, actually bought me a cake that read 'Congratulations, you're now a teenager' on it." He shakes his head.
"Something I'd do."
"Yeah, exactly! You should come up for a weekend. I mean my room is really small, but my roommate Jack is never there, so you can even steal his bed."
Finally, finally there's life in her eyes as she smirks. "College girls?"
"Yeah," he says, ignoring how off her laugh sounds, the way her long hair falls down her back and -
This isn't right.
He squeezes his eyes shut for a few seconds and then opens them, Alex's hair now short and shaggy the way it's supposed to be, the way that Jimmy has his hair when he can get away with it under his mother's watchful gaze. But then he blinks and it's long again, her facial features delicate even though he knows Alex has a stronger jaw line, has broader shoulders and a deep voice and is the sibling Jimmy got a second chance of having, the brother he's always wanted.
Jimmy clutches his head and opens his mouth to scream, but he suddenly feels a tugging in his chest and in a blink, he's on his back, staring up at a perfect blue sky.
He takes a deep breath, feeling the plush grass under his hands, gripping it to ground himself. "What the fuck," he breathes out loud.
He hears a rustle by his ear and he propels himself forward to see Castiel standing a few feet away, looking very sad.
"Jimmy," he greets.
Jimmy shakily gets to his feet. "What - why - you did something," he stumbles, running a hand through his hair. "Alex - why the hell was he a girl what -"
"I apologize, that was not my intention," Castiel interrupts Jimmy, his brow furrowed and Jimmy considers how poorly in taste it would be to possibly punch an angel.
Castiel grimaces and Jimmy takes a step back, forgetting that they're inside his head. "It seems I'm subconsciously manipulating your memories, inspired by my experiences on Earth."
Jimmy stares at him blankly. "You…you changed the sex of my friend - who the hell -"
"I apologize," Castiel says again. "She is not of import."
"Not to me but certainly to you," Jimmy snaps without thinking.
Castiel's expression darkens. "No. Not any longer." He walks forward until he's almost toe-to-toe with Jimmy. "You'll be undisturbed." He brings two fingers to Jimmy's forehead and Jimmy involuntarily closes his eyes.
**
In 1980, Jimmy is six, his birthday coming up in a few weeks, and he's watching The Bugs Bunny Show - or maybe it's Looney Tunes or Merrie Melodies - at nine in the morning. His father is reading the paper and sipping his coffee and his mother is doing the crossword puzzle, her eyes red from crying. They've been red from crying for the past few months.
Jimmy doesn't think he's seen this episode - Tweety and Sylvester have been snuck into a hotel that doesn't allow pets and Sylvester has been trying to eat Tweety.
Now Sylvester and Tweety and this bulldog are chasing each other in the hotel room, the mean man who works in the hotel banging on the door, interrupting their chase and forcing them to work together so they won't be thrown out of the hotel.
When the man storms into the room and is scolded by the dog, Sylvester, and Tweety mimicking a person, Tweety's head disproportionately smaller than the rest of the body, Jimmy hears a bark of laughter behind him.
He whips his head to find his mother with a hand to her mouth, her eyes filled with mirth and it's the first time he's seen her happy since Jenny dying.
"Attention everyone: someone has pets in this house, and I want them out of here immediately!"
When a stampede of animals run the man over, including an elephant, Jimmy's father starts chuckling as well.
Jimmy grins for the rest of the hour.
**
In Sunday school, they're supposed to be drawing an event leading up to the birth of Jesus in the spirit of Christmas. He's drawing the Annunciation, which is Gabriel telling the Virgin Mary that she will mother the Son of God.
He's coloring in Mary's clothes a bright blue when his teacher comes up behind him and says, "What is that?" pointing to Gabriel.
"The Archangel Gabriel."
"Oh? Why did you draw him as…a ball of light?"
"Because angels aren't people, ma'am. You said so in class." He turns to look at her and hopes he won't get in trouble.
To his surprise, she smiles at him. "That's very true. You're very creative, Jimmy."
His drawing is voted as the best.
In the late afternoon when his mother picks him up from the church, he looks up at the sky, watching the stars slowly come out and wonders if all the angels are stars, watching over everyone. Or maybe they're souls of people long gone, watching over family and friends.
But then he starts thinking about death and he knows there's Heaven for the good and Hell for the wicked, but what happens if there's…nothing?
He shudders and his mother reaches into the backseat to put a steady hand on his knee, making him feel better.
**
"(Don't Fear) The Reaper" is playing in Alex's car and they're going to be late - Jimmy's curfew is in five minutes and it's going to take them at least another fifteen to make it back to Eureka.
But at the moment, Jimmy doesn't mind too much, watching the tail lights in front of him flash red in the dark, letting the bass sink into his bones, the guitar surging alongside his pulse.
"So you believe in Heaven, right?"
Jimmy turns his head to look at Alex, who's clenching his jaw and his eyes are dark.
"Of course," he answers. "I have to," he adds quietly.
"Jenny."
Jimmy nods, taking a deep breath.
"I want to be sure," Alex admits, "because people like Jenny and you deserve that kind of thing. But I can't help but question it, you know?"
"You deserve it too."
Alex grimaces. "Tell that to my parents."
"Well, they're wrong. And could do with listening to God's Word every once in a while."
Alex throws his head back and laughs. "I think you're the only level-headed religious freak I know."
Jimmy smiles and shakes his head. "Are you still going to my Confirmation? It's in two weeks."
Alex dramatically groans. "Yes, I'll be bored out of my mind, but I'll go. Hopefully I won't blow my brains out."
"Don't joke about that."
Alex reaches across to ruffle Jimmy's hair. "I wouldn't miss it, okay? I'll cheer when your name is called."
"Oh God, please don't."
Alex grins and two weeks later, when Jimmy's full name is called (James Victor Dominic Novak), Alex catcalls and cheers like he just witnessed his team score a touchdown.
Jimmy tries to hold back a grin, but he thinks he does a poor job of it.
**
Amelia is sitting next to him on the ground, staring at the gravestone with "Jennifer Mary Novak, 1976-1979" carved into it. She's clutching the flowers she bought for the occasion and he kisses her temple.
"You were six," she says, disbelieving and so sad.
He nods. "She got the flu and never got better."
"I'm sorry." She places the flowers in front of them.
He closes his eyes and wonders what she would've looked like at eighteen. He remembers her having the same eyes as his, but her hair was a lighter shade of brown, like his mother's. He eventually opens his eyes, not able to really picture it.
"After she died, I kept having this nightmare about her soul being taken by - not an angel, but something out of a horror movie. A reaper with a skull for a face and glowing red eyes and after taking her, he'd take me too. I had it for years. I still get it every once in a while."
Amelia rests her head on his shoulder, bringing a hand to rest on his thigh where she lazily draws hearts with her finger. "Did you ever tell anyone about it?"
"No - why would I do that to my parents, who were already suffering enough?"
"Not even Alex?"
Jimmy closes his eyes again and tries to remember. "I think…" he starts slowly, "I think I only told him I had nightmares in a failed attempt to make him feel better about his own."
They sit in silence for a while until she says, "Please don't keep things like that to yourself - you always have me, okay?" She's pleading more than she's demanding and it's just so nice to have a shoulder to rest on, having been that shoulder for so many people for too long.
He smiles and says a prayer for his sister.
**
Amelia is on a date with one of Kyle's friends - Joshua - and Jimmy is pissed at Kyle for not talking his friend out of it and he knows his other friends are trying to cheer him up (or get him drunk enough to be cheered up). But at this point he just wants to go back to his dorm room for another round of berating because he should've gathered the courage to ask her out sooner and that's his own fault.
The pen that his friend Mike used to sign his bill is in Jimmy's hands and he constantly has to stop himself from chewing on the top, a nasty habit he developed at thirteen before he accidentally broke it and swallowed ink.
Instead he starts mindlessly drawing shapes on a beer-stained napkin, a nicer habit he picked up from Amelia, who constantly scribbles or draws plans for imaginary rooms on any blank surface she can draw on.
He sneaks another glance over to the table Amelia and Joshua are at, sharing a drink, and she's making him laugh about something. Sandra walks by, taps Amelia on the shoulder to say hi, and then leaves.
He considers going over there dramatically claiming his I'm-not-really-sure-but-I-think-this-is-pretty-close-to-love feelings for her, but his cheeks flush at the imminent embarrassment since that doesn't happen in real life.
Suddenly Amelia looks over to him and she beams, the first time he's seen her do it since she walked in with Joshua. He smiles and waves. Then she frowns dramatically, cocking her head to the side, nonverbally asking what's wrong.
He brings his palms together, tilts his head, and closes his eyes in a sleepy gesture. She furrows her brow and he can't do this; he simply waves goodbye before tapping Mike on the shoulder to let him know he's leaving.
Once he steps outside, he takes a deep breath and starts walking back to his dorm, ignoring the taxis. But as soon as he's a block away and a particularly cold gust of April wind hits him, he realizes he left his jacket in the bar.
He bites back a fuck, figuring someone will hopefully pick it up or Charlie will find it at the end of the night.
As he's crossing the street to make a left, he hears, "Jimmy!"
He turns around and tries not to gape at Amelia running over to him with his jacket draped over an arm. "Ames, you didn't have to -"
"It probably would've gotten stolen, it's no problem at all," she waves him off.
He takes the jacket and puts it on. "Thank you."
"No problem." Then she smiles a tad awkwardly, clapping her hands together. "So, uh, I should go -"
"I really like you."
She freezes, her lips parted mid-sentence and he's quickly trying to figure out if he can do a college transfer mid-junior year - that's totally possible, right?
"Sorry!" he says, mortified and he can feel his face growing hot, "I - that was dumb and rude. And awful. You're in the middle of a date I am - just ignore that -"
"I like you too," she cuts him off, turning pink.
They stare at each other blankly for a few seconds.
"I just agreed to go on the date because I was tired of waiting for you and I didn't - and Joshua apparently - Kyle put him to it because he figured maybe you would - I don't know -"
Goddamn it, Kyle. "Could I kiss you now? I kind of want to and I figured I should really ask before I just - so, uh?" He feels like his tongue is too big for his mouth and he should shut up because he's pretty sure this is the most awkward confession to have happened on this planet.
"Yeah - yes. Please. I mean," she squeezes her eyes shut for a second, "You're allowed." Then she shakes her head. "Actually you know what, please do so because we both sound like morons right now, so -"
He cuts her off with a kiss, cupping her face as she sighs. He closes his eyes and finds heaven in the warmth of her mouth, lips, breath, feeling his heart lighten and flutter that he can't help but smile against her.
He pulls away just enough so she's still close, sharing the air between them and just as he's about to say something, a pair of headlights flash and he realizes they're still in the middle of the road.
He takes her hand and leads her to the sidewalk and she's laughing, lips too gloriously pink and her cheeks are flushed so he kisses her again, just once, before going back to her dorm.
(He asks her out officially and they make out for a bit before he goes to sleep elated for the first time in so long.)
Part II
Author: missgoalie75
Artist(s): teamabodo
Beta: xsaturated
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~13,700
Characters/Pairings: Jimmy, Amelia, Claire, Castiel, OMCs, OFCs; Jimmy/Amelia
Disclaimer: Lyrics used in this fic and Supernatural and its characters don't belong to me.
Spoilers/Warnings: through 4x22 and minor for 6x20; language, mental illness (OC), mentioned suicide (OC), OC character death (only mentioned, but the character is a child)
Summary: While Castiel takes possession of Jimmy's body, he let's Jimmy live through his happiest memories, but the events happening outside of Jimmy's mind interrupt his peace.
Art Masterpost: HERE
Notes: Thank you to Nikki for being my beta and helping me work out my ideas and thank you to Kira for playing a huge inspiration for an important aspect of this story. Lastly but certainly not least, thank you to my wonderful artist who created the most amazing art to go along with this piece.
Capax Infiniti
Jimmy Novak blinks and he finds himself standing in a garden.
He's no longer wearing a suit, trench coat, and dress shoes. Instead he's wearing his once favorite shirt with Duran Duran's Rio album cover printed on it, worn and comfortable like it was the last time he saw it before it was stolen fifteen years ago. And he's wearing his favorite pair of jeans - soft from too many washes and there's a hole inside the back left pocket.
There's lush grass under his feet and flowers in his peripheral, vibrant and colorful, and it reminds him of the The Secret Garden a little, which makes him wish that Claire was here to see a bedtime story come to life.
He turns around, admiring the quiet and serenity until he sees himself standing a few feet away, wearing the suit and trench coat and dress shoes he was wearing before. Although this version of himself has an unsettling air to him, causing the hair on his arms to stand up, his breath to hitch in his throat.
"Castiel," Jimmy murmurs.
Castiel takes a few steps toward him and Jimmy can see how unnaturally blue his eyes are, almost neon. "Jimmy."
Jimmy swallows thickly. "Where are we?"
"Inside your mind."
Jimmy looks around, the scenery unchanged.
"This is a construct of my creation," Castiel answers without Jimmy having to ask, although he no doubt sensed his confusion and curiosity.
While peaceful and stunning, it may be just a little too fantastical because even though Jimmy hasn't seen very many gardens larger than a backyard, he's sure some of these colors don't exist, that with his human eyes, he wouldn't be able to notice beyond red and purple and blue.
"You are doing a great service for Heaven and Our Father," Castiel continues. "I just have one request that also requires your consent."
Jimmy narrows his eyes at him. "Alright," he says, permitting him to continue.
"If you would like, I can access your memories - your happiest ones - and have you experience them as I go about fulfilling my duties."
"Can't you just - aren't you already in my head? Shouldn't you automatically have access?" Jimmy blurts, bewildered at the concept of an all-powerful angel needing a simple human’s permission to do what must be so easy.
"Yes, but I could simply slip your mind into an unconscious state as well."
Jimmy still finds it strangely kind that he's giving him a choice, although maybe free will is something that cannot ever be taken away from a human being, a rule of Heaven and God's angels.
Maybe being unconscious won't be terrible, although the idea of essentially being asleep without know when he'll be waking up is terrifying. It reminds him of being ten when his grandpa died in his sleep and he was so afraid of the same thing happening to him.
"Yeah - yes. You can…go through my memories," Jimmy says, clearing his throat.
Castiel nods, taking another step closer, power blazing in his eyes as he brings two fingers to his forehead. Jimmy feels a warm pulse bleed through his skin and bones before his eyes shut.
**
Jimmy opens his eyes to Maggie Merlis kissing him in Greg Samson's basement closet on Halloween of 1986. It's his first kiss during a game of Seven Minutes of Heaven and he's dressed as Jason from Friday the 13th since it's the easiest to dress for. He borrowed the mask from Alex across the street, which is now hanging off the back of his neck.
Maggie has white fluffy wings and a golden halo above her head and he hopes her bright pink lipstick isn't all over his mouth. But his breathing is shallow and he's trying to keep his hands from shaking because he kissed a girl.
Although he could've gone without having "Rock Me Amadeus" as a soundtrack because that song is getting annoying.
The door flies open and they blink at the light as their friends catcall and wolf-whistle. Jimmy brings a hand to his mouth and pink shows up on his fingers, but he thinks he can probably get away with it this once. Although he's grateful when his best friend David hands him a tissue all the same.
"So, how was it?" David asks eagerly.
Jimmy remembers Alex telling him that you shouldn't kiss and tell, but this is his best friend, so he says, "It was awesome."
David slaps him on the back. "I'm gonna go back in - I'm crossing my fingers for Lizzie because she's so hot and seriously, who wouldn't want to get with MJ?" he says, throwing his arms off to show off his Michael Jackson ensemble.
Jimmy doesn't bother pointing out that it seems like Michael Jackson is starting to lose it, but he doesn't follow all that too well. It doesn't help that Alex scoffs whenever he comes up on the radio.
He catches Maggie's eye across the room and they smile at each other, her cheeks turning bright pink and he feels on top of the world. He goes to the refreshments table and grabs a Coke, taking a swig and closing his eyes as it goes down his throat.
**
He opens his eyes and gloria, in excelsis Deo is falling from his lips at age six during Christmas Eve mass. His parents are on either side of him, standing so tall and it's so warm in the church, every seat filled and there are people standing in the way back too.
The way everyone is singing together, high voices mixing with low, Jimmy thinks they all sound like a chorus of angels.
His mother puts an arm around his shoulders and he leans into her touch automatically, shutting his eyes briefly to listen.
**
Jimmy suddenly wakes up from dozing off and he can't believe he missed part of Back to the Future, but traveling two hours to Chicago has been exhausting, having gone to mass early in the morning.
He wakes up due to Marty being unable to play the guitar anymore, the notes jarring and loud. He sneaks a glance next to him but Alex hasn't noticed yet.
"Earth Angel" is still playing and his mother loves this song, dancing to it in the kitchen when she pulls out her records.
He unwittingly starts humming along and the theater bursts into applause when George McFly pushes the bully away and kisses Lorraine, Marty's existence saved. Alex whistles, sharp and clear, and Jimmy laughs because Alex has to be the loudest person in the room, always.
Jimmy starts wiggling a little in his seat to the beats of "Johnny B Goode" and Alex shoves his head with a hand and Jimmy turns his head away, shutting his eyes so he doesn't get a finger in the eye.
**
His throat is burning from the shot and his eyes are squeezed shut as he tries not to cough. Kyle from his freshman year Public Relations class is slapping him on the back, laughing.
"Come on Christian Boy, suck it up."
"Hey, at least I took it in one go," Jimmy answers in a hoarse voice. "I feel like I just drank gasoline what the hell did I just take?"
"Wild Turkey, my friend."
Jimmy furrows his brow.
"Bourbon," Kyle further explains with a roll of his eyes. "Jesus, what did you do in high school - did you not even try to sneak any church wine?"
Jimmy rolls his eyes. "It's called the Sacramental wine and no, I told you I went to public school."
"Well you might as well have gone to Catholic school. It's a good thing you met me because I can teach you things so the world doesn't judge you."
"No, you just judge me."
Kyle grins and winks at him before ordering two beers. The bartender Charlie doesn't bother checking their IDs even though they're barely twenty. The rule is tipping is required, a generous one at that, which Jimmy always leaves after Kyle takes their drinks back to their table. Jimmy gives Charlie a rueful smile on his face, but Charlie isn't having any of it.
"He better watch it," Charlie warns. "I'll kick him out next time. Getting sick of his shit."
"I'll talk to him," Jimmy tells him. "Sorry."
Charlie waves him off and Jimmy heads back to the table where Kyle is already chugging his drink. Sighing, Jimmy takes a seat and sips at his beer. "You have to tip next round, Kyle. Charlie's pissed."
"He's always pissed," Kyle snorts. "I'm a loyal customer."
Jimmy shakes his head, rolling his eyes when Kyle slams down his empty beer, satisfied and smug.
Jimmy looks around the bar, almost full of ISU students, some of which are already drunk. There's a guy who seems to be celebrating his twenty-first birthday and he falls off his stool with a crash. Half the bar gets quiet until he yells, "I'm okay!"
Jimmy's about to turn back to Kyle and ask if he invited Jon out with them because he can't stand that guy, but a group of girls walking into the bar catch his attention. Kyle whistles lowly by his ear. "Check the rack on that brunette. Jesus Christ."
Jimmy rolls his eyes, knowing Kyle won't listen to his complaints if he brings up his dislike of using the Lord's name in vain, but it all disappears when he catches the eye of one of them. She's not as voluptuous as the brunette Kyle is eyeing - in fact, there's nothing that really distinguishes her, but her smile is infectious and lovely.
Having it directed at him - even a smaller, shyer one - is enough to make him flush around his neck. He returns it with a smile of his own.
"Did you just check out a girl? Call the presses!"
Jimmy shoots Kyle a glare, wondering not for the first time why he bothers with him.
(He knows it's because he reminds him of Alex but he doesn't want to think about Alex, not now.)
"Hey, can I have your beer? Too lazy to go up for another. Also I think Charlie is going to throw me out," Kyle says, already taking Jimmy's beer.
"Are you joking?"
"Here, I'll front you the cash, just go! Right now!"
Jimmy narrows his eyes and takes the cash, muttering under his breath as he makes his way around the tables to the counter. Charlie just side eyes him when he makes it.
"He's afraid of me," Charlie states.
Jimmy sighs. "I'll take another beer, please."
"Same here."
Jimmy whips his head to his left and there she is.
Kyle does have his moments after all.
"I got it, don't worry," Jimmy says as she pulls out her wallet.
She smiles. "Thank you." She curls a piece of caramel-colored hair behind her. "I'm Amelia."
"Jimmy. Nice to meet you."
Charlie slides over their drinks and Jimmy hands him the entire bill. "It's on Kyle," Jimmy tells him.
Charlie grins and takes the money with a flourish. "Enjoy."
"Kyle?" Amelia asks, taking a sip of beer. "You mean that guy you were sitting with who was blatantly staring at my friend Sandra's chest?"
Jimmy nearly chokes on his beer. "I'm sorry about him."
Amelia laughs. "We're all used to it. She's taken, though. Boyfriend's in grad school."
"I'll be sure to inform him."
"Come on, Amelia. We said all girls' night!"
Amelia's friend Sandra comes up behind Amelia, nearly scaring her. "Right," Amelia says, flustered. "I'll see you around, I guess," she directs towards Jimmy.
"Have a good night, Amelia."
She gives him a large smile and there's no doubt in his mind that he's a little in love with her.
"Hey, Charlie, I'll take another beer," Jimmy calls out.
Charlie huffs. "Really?"
"Yeah, kinda owe Kyle."
"What, for her?" Charlie says, nodding at the empty space where Amelia was standing.
Jimmy shrugs, smiling.
"Fine. Just because he did a good deed. Next time he better come up to my face and tip me, got it?"
When Jimmy comes back to the table and slides the beer towards Kyle, he says, "Thank you."
Kyle just winks at him and throws back his beer before taking up the next one. "Wait, where the fuck's my change?"
**
Jimmy jolts back to the priest's sermon, guilty, but his head is pounding and next time he plans on going out on a Saturday night, he should go to the Saturday evening mass.
He sighs, pulling on his collar a little and forcing himself to not check his watch. Instead, his eyes wander around the church, which is filled with young families and elderly couples; there aren't a lot of ISU students with him except -
There's Amelia to his right, wearing a yellow sundress and looking so, so pretty.
He's a little ashamed that he stares at her more than the priest for the rest of mass.
**
He blinks at the bright sun when he steps outside, going down the steps and calling out, "Amelia," when he spots her a few feet away.
She turns around and beams at him. "Jimmy? Hi! How are you?"
He gives her a grim smile. "I've been better, admittedly. You?"
She pats his arm sympathetically. "I'm fine, although I've been in your shoes once or twice. Do you always go to Sunday mass?"
"Yeah, when I can. Although I may have to reconsider that if there are more Saturdays like yesterday to come."
"Rough night?" she asks with a raised eyebrow.
"Don't ever get into a chugging contest with Kyle McCarthy - you will lose. Embarrassingly, if I might add."
"Why, did you puke?"
"Close - I spat out half a beer spectacularly. I probably won't go back for a month."
Amelia laughs with her entire body - she throws her head back and is shamelessly loud. "Well that's a shame. I guess I'll just have to see you next mass, then."
When it turns out they both live in East Campus, Jimmy may have skipped back to his room, just a little.
**
Claire's crying immediately wakes him up and he has to gently shake Amelia's shoulder because she's still a heavy sleeper. "Ames," he says.
She groans, but gets up. "Feeding?" she mumbles, eyes still closed as she pushes the comforter off herself.
"If it's a changing you're free to whack me."
"I'll hold you to that."
She picks up Claire from the cot before relaxing in their bed again. A strap from her tank top is already off, so she just guides Claire to her breast. Jimmy carefully brings an arm around her shoulders so she can rest against his side.
"'M gonna fall asleep," Amelia murmurs, resting her head on his shoulder.
He smiles, running a hand up and down her arm as he watches Claire suckle and there's something so miraculous about such a tiny thing just knowing what to do.
Even though Amelia ends up falling asleep ten minutes later, he's still watching.
**
"Are you okay?"
Jimmy opens his eyes, looking down at Amelia with a sleepy expression. She's long lost her witch's hat - he thinks he last saw it on Kyle's head since he's been collecting everyone's hats - and her eye makeup is smudged a bit, but her cheeks are flushed and her smile is wide.
"Yeah, jus comin' down," he slurs a bit, resting his head against the wall of the hallway. "You?"
"Same. So, so tired. I'd go back to my room, but I don' have the key," she pouts.
He goes to grab her wrist, but his sight is a bit off so he ends up actually grabbing her hand instead. Too drunk and too pleased to care, he leads her further down the hallway until they reach the door leading to the staircases, which are thankfully empty. Gently tugging her down, he sits down on the ground and she follows quickly after.
They fall asleep until Kyle rips open the door, screaming for him.
Jimmy bangs his head against the wall and groans, closing his eyes and Amelia drops her head on his shoulder.
(They're still holding hands.)
**
Halloween this year is cold, but Amelia has Claire wearing a sweater and her winter coat underneath her witch's garb. The bright blue scarf Claire is supposed to be wearing is in her trick-or-treat basket because witches don't wear blue, Mom!
Amelia is letting it go because she sort of has a point, but the moment Claire shivers, the scarf is going around her neck.
They go up and down their block and then to the cul-de-sac down the road because the four houses there tend to go all-out during the holidays, their decorations lavish and crazy.
Even though Claire's too old for this, he carries her halfway back to their house. She's still small enough that his back doesn't strain like a lot of his friends' when they attempt to carry their kids. Amelia is carrying Claire's basket, peaking inside to see what she got.
"She's so your daughter, there's a gross amount of Snickers in here," Amelia says with a grimace. "I've failed as a mother."
Jimmy laughs quietly, rubbing a hand up and down his daughter's back. "She got the good taste from me, what can I say."
"Ew, and what is wrong with the Smiths? They're as bland as their name - pretzels? Who gives pretzels on Halloween?"
"At least they're Halloween themed."
She shakes her head. "Terrible."
"The real tragedy would be if she got licorice," Jimmy points out.
"So true."
Once they've made it back to their house, Jimmy lowers Claire to couch, taking off her hat to run a hand through her hair. "Claire, we're home."
She blearily opens her eyes, but is alert in a few moments when she asks, "Did you steal any of my candy?"
"No," he responds with a laugh, "you took too many Snickers for Mom to steal."
"I know, that's why I'm asking you."
He widens his eyes in surprise and laughs again. "No, but I'm not above it."
She stares at him with a hard expression and he has to bite the inside of cheek to keep his face neutral. "I can give you one Snickers. Actually two, since you carried me home."
"That sounds fair. And hey, you know what would make Mom really happy?"
"What?"
"Give her all the licorice you got. And the pretzels."
Claire stares at him as if he's crazy for a few seconds before it clicks, then she grins. "Okay." She jumps off the couch and runs into the kitchen.
He waits a minute until he hears Amelia yell, "Jimmy!" in an exasperated tone before joining them, laughing the whole time.
**
Dargan Park isn't Jimmy's favorite park in Pontiac. It's smaller and it only has a playground, which is great for Claire, but not much else otherwise.
Amelia is by the playground now with Claire, who's on a play date with Emily, a girl in Claire's pre-school. He's currently in the picnic pavilion with a book, trying to catch his breath after running with them for the past half hour.
He's reading The Dirt, the autobiography by the members of Mötley Crüe, a band he tolerated as a kid, but Alex loved them. When Jimmy read about its release in the paper, he decided to take it out of the library to maybe discover what about the band attracted Alex.
(Beyond the fact that their local church would reprimand anyone who expressed an interest in such a satanic band.)
He's heard about their discretions and Alex used to rant about how cool they were during long drives to Chicago, but Jimmy doesn't realize it until he's reading this autobiography that maybe all Alex wanted to do was live, even in extremes since God knows they weren't getting them in their small town.
And there's something strangely thoughtful and beautiful in Tommy Lee's love for his sons; there's pain in Nikki Sixx's traumatic childhood, Mick Mars' bone disease, and Vince Neil's loss of his daughter to cancer, which Jimmy can't even wrap his mind around.
It's just further proof that Alex always saw the truth in people beyond the façades, the good and the bad. That Alex saw something in Jimmy that was bigger than Eureka, Illinois, a town with a population of no more than five-thousand, less than half of Pontiac.
(Capax infiniti.)
He closes his eyes and says a prayer. When the sun shines out from a dark cloud, he smiles.
**
Jimmy and David are on the swings during recess, kicking their legs and swinging higher and higher.
"Let's jump!" David says, his brown eyes alight with mischief and maybe Jimmy can convince Alex to invite him out with them next time because Alex would definitely like David.
"Okay," Jimmy agrees, even though he's nervous.
"One!" David yells.
"Two," Jimmy says, gulping.
"Three!"
Jimmy lets go and for a moment, he flies.
**
Alex's family - the McCarthy O'Heas (they're very Irish) - is wealthy, all things considering. They rent a house on Lake Michigan every summer and Jimmy usually gets to go for a week, despite his mother's hesitations since she never cared for Alex, and her feelings only worsen with time.
Jimmy is fifteen and Alex is seventeen - it's the summer before Jimmy's sophomore year and Alex's senior year, but Alex doesn't want to talk about it, despite Mr. and Mrs. McCarthy O'Hea's insistence on thinking about college.
Jimmy is resting on a towel, wearing a worn out pair of green swim trunks and Alex's pair of Wayfarers that they've been sharing throughout the trip since Jimmy forgot his sunglasses at home. Alex is just coming out of the lake, dripping from head to toe and there's something strange about the way the sun is glinting off her red hair, now practically brown as it wetly sticks to her pale face.
"Come on, Jimmy-Jam!" Alex calls to him, her voice sounding strange. Maybe she inhaled water during her swim since she tends to inhale water whenever she first dives in.
"It's cold," Jimmy complains. "Maybe later."
Alex huffs and stomps over to his towel. Once she's in front of him, she shakes her head so drops of water will fall on him.
"Alex!" he yells, glaring up at her as he rubs his arms, which are covered in goosebumps.
"Come on, you big baby." And with strength that's really too much for her lithe frame, she pulls him up from the towel and leads him to the water.
The water is freezing, but it's a balm for his burned neck and shoulders and he laughs when he dunks Alex into the water, catching her by surprise.
**
Rio is released in May of 1982 and Jimmy is nine and only has the cassette because Alex got it for him. Jimmy hides it in a pair of socks he never wears because his mother wouldn't like knowing he listens to a band that is popular on MTV.
Duran Duran is coming to Chicago in July and Jimmy knows he's never going to see them, which he's okay with, which Alex finds bizarre because even though Duran Duran isn't her favorite, she's still angry on principle that she can't go to concerts whenever she pleases.
Especially since Donnie, her sixteen-year-old cousin from Chicago, gets to go to all the concerts and loves to rub it in Alex's face.
"Not looking forward to them coming today," Alex says, a grimace on her face that doesn't work on her face. "I don't even like Duran Duran that much and he'll still piss me off about it and how cool it was."
Jimmy's not a fan of Donnie either - he's kind of a jerk - but he holds his tongue because he's not supposed to talk about people behind their backs. "You shouldn't curse," he says instead.
Alex huffs. "Sorry," she grumbles before getting to her feet. "I have to go home, but I'll be back, okay? I know it'll be after dark, but just look out for me."
Jimmy's unsure because he really doesn't like disobeying his parents, but she's almost pleading, which she never does, so he nods.
"Okay, good, 'cause you're going to like it, trust me."
A few hours later Alex comes by with a t-shirt with Rio's album cover on it, saying how she had to pay her cousin a lot for him to get it for her. The shirt is way too big and he isn't going to be able to wear it for a while, but he clutches it to his chest before giving Alex a hug.
They never hug, Alex not very comfortable with affection, but he does it anyway, wondering why she feels so frail in his arms. "Thank you," he says.
"No problem. Just make sure your parents don't find it, okay?" Her voice is uncharacteristically soft and it's just wrong.
Suddenly there's a really strange bright light blinding him and he feels himself hurtling forward into nothing and then -
**
Jimmy's holding Amelia's hand too tightly when they walk up the stairs to Alex's room. Mr. and Mrs. McCarthy O'Hea had greeted them with tired smiles and gestured for them to go upstairs. They say Alex is doing well today, but for Jimmy, 'well' isn’t normal, isn't the Alex he grew up with.
Once they're in front of Alex's door, Jimmy squeezes his eyes shut, and takes a deep breath. Amelia remains steady by his side, patient as he readies himself to open the door.
Alex is smoking a cigarette in matching-set pajamas she wouldn't have been caught in before, staring out the window with those dead eyes that have haunted him since freshman year of college. Amelia squeezes his hand and "I love you" is always on the tip of his tongue these days.
"Hey, Alex?" Jimmy says roughly before clearing his throat.
Alex whips her head towards him and smiles. "Jimmy-Jam."
He almost cries and he thinks he smiles way too big. "Hi."
Her eyes drift to Amelia, a slow smile growing on her face. "And who's this?"
"Amelia," Amelia supplies, smiling. "It's nice to finally meet you. Jimmy has told me so much about you."
Alex hums and doesn't say anything.
"Uh, I brought cards," Jimmy stutters to break the silence, reaching into his pocket for the deck he bought a few months ago just for these visits. "I thought we could play Go Fish."
Alex winks at Amelia. "She can my team."
Jimmy winces at the fragmented sentence but lets it go. "Just as a warning, she's terrible," he says.
"Hey!" Amelia gasps, lightly hitting him.
Alex slips from time to time, but she's easy to draw back in today, which Jimmy's eternally grateful for. And when Amelia excuses herself to use the restroom, Alex gives him a knowing look that takes him back to when they were in high school. "I like her," Alex tells him.
Jimmy nods, wiping the corner of his eye quickly to prevent tears from falling. "That's good," he says, grinning.
(He can see a little bit of her tattoo from the opening in her shirt and his grin fades a little.)
As soon as Jimmy and Amelia step out of the house, Jimmy turns to Amelia and says, "I love you."
Her blue eyes widen and he can see Mrs. McCarthy O'Hea's hydrangeas reflected in the corners of her eyes. Then her face breaks into a gorgeous smile as she places her hands on either side of his face, whispering the words back against his mouth before kissing him.
**
There's a sensation of rising from deep waters and he can almost break the surface, so close -
**
Jimmy and Alex are sitting outside Alex's backyard, backs to the large tree that needs to be cut down because it's rotting from the inside out. It's Jimmy's first Thanksgiving break as a college student and he's missed home a lot more than he thought he would, despite his love for ISU.
Alex was happy enough in greeting him, but now she's staring off in the distance, something she's never really done before. He's trying to ignore the fact that her eyes look dead.
"You'd be proud of me," Jimmy says, a grimace on his face, "I made out with a girl whom I've never spoken to before at a Halloween party. Not my finest moment."
It takes a few beats too long for Alex to smile. "Finally, doing something age appropriate, Novak." She turns her head to look at him and her eyes are still dead.
He rubs his arms over his coat sleeves, a chill shuddering through him. "Yeah. My friend Kyle, whom you'd like, he's basically the little brother you never had, actually bought me a cake that read 'Congratulations, you're now a teenager' on it." He shakes his head.
"Something I'd do."
"Yeah, exactly! You should come up for a weekend. I mean my room is really small, but my roommate Jack is never there, so you can even steal his bed."
Finally, finally there's life in her eyes as she smirks. "College girls?"
"Yeah," he says, ignoring how off her laugh sounds, the way her long hair falls down her back and -
This isn't right.
He squeezes his eyes shut for a few seconds and then opens them, Alex's hair now short and shaggy the way it's supposed to be, the way that Jimmy has his hair when he can get away with it under his mother's watchful gaze. But then he blinks and it's long again, her facial features delicate even though he knows Alex has a stronger jaw line, has broader shoulders and a deep voice and is the sibling Jimmy got a second chance of having, the brother he's always wanted.
Jimmy clutches his head and opens his mouth to scream, but he suddenly feels a tugging in his chest and in a blink, he's on his back, staring up at a perfect blue sky.
He takes a deep breath, feeling the plush grass under his hands, gripping it to ground himself. "What the fuck," he breathes out loud.
He hears a rustle by his ear and he propels himself forward to see Castiel standing a few feet away, looking very sad.
"Jimmy," he greets.
Jimmy shakily gets to his feet. "What - why - you did something," he stumbles, running a hand through his hair. "Alex - why the hell was he a girl what -"
"I apologize, that was not my intention," Castiel interrupts Jimmy, his brow furrowed and Jimmy considers how poorly in taste it would be to possibly punch an angel.
Castiel grimaces and Jimmy takes a step back, forgetting that they're inside his head. "It seems I'm subconsciously manipulating your memories, inspired by my experiences on Earth."
Jimmy stares at him blankly. "You…you changed the sex of my friend - who the hell -"
"I apologize," Castiel says again. "She is not of import."
"Not to me but certainly to you," Jimmy snaps without thinking.
Castiel's expression darkens. "No. Not any longer." He walks forward until he's almost toe-to-toe with Jimmy. "You'll be undisturbed." He brings two fingers to Jimmy's forehead and Jimmy involuntarily closes his eyes.
**
In 1980, Jimmy is six, his birthday coming up in a few weeks, and he's watching The Bugs Bunny Show - or maybe it's Looney Tunes or Merrie Melodies - at nine in the morning. His father is reading the paper and sipping his coffee and his mother is doing the crossword puzzle, her eyes red from crying. They've been red from crying for the past few months.
Jimmy doesn't think he's seen this episode - Tweety and Sylvester have been snuck into a hotel that doesn't allow pets and Sylvester has been trying to eat Tweety.
Now Sylvester and Tweety and this bulldog are chasing each other in the hotel room, the mean man who works in the hotel banging on the door, interrupting their chase and forcing them to work together so they won't be thrown out of the hotel.
When the man storms into the room and is scolded by the dog, Sylvester, and Tweety mimicking a person, Tweety's head disproportionately smaller than the rest of the body, Jimmy hears a bark of laughter behind him.
He whips his head to find his mother with a hand to her mouth, her eyes filled with mirth and it's the first time he's seen her happy since Jenny dying.
"Attention everyone: someone has pets in this house, and I want them out of here immediately!"
When a stampede of animals run the man over, including an elephant, Jimmy's father starts chuckling as well.
Jimmy grins for the rest of the hour.
**
In Sunday school, they're supposed to be drawing an event leading up to the birth of Jesus in the spirit of Christmas. He's drawing the Annunciation, which is Gabriel telling the Virgin Mary that she will mother the Son of God.
He's coloring in Mary's clothes a bright blue when his teacher comes up behind him and says, "What is that?" pointing to Gabriel.
"The Archangel Gabriel."
"Oh? Why did you draw him as…a ball of light?"
"Because angels aren't people, ma'am. You said so in class." He turns to look at her and hopes he won't get in trouble.
To his surprise, she smiles at him. "That's very true. You're very creative, Jimmy."
His drawing is voted as the best.
In the late afternoon when his mother picks him up from the church, he looks up at the sky, watching the stars slowly come out and wonders if all the angels are stars, watching over everyone. Or maybe they're souls of people long gone, watching over family and friends.
But then he starts thinking about death and he knows there's Heaven for the good and Hell for the wicked, but what happens if there's…nothing?
He shudders and his mother reaches into the backseat to put a steady hand on his knee, making him feel better.
**
"(Don't Fear) The Reaper" is playing in Alex's car and they're going to be late - Jimmy's curfew is in five minutes and it's going to take them at least another fifteen to make it back to Eureka.
But at the moment, Jimmy doesn't mind too much, watching the tail lights in front of him flash red in the dark, letting the bass sink into his bones, the guitar surging alongside his pulse.
"So you believe in Heaven, right?"
Jimmy turns his head to look at Alex, who's clenching his jaw and his eyes are dark.
"Of course," he answers. "I have to," he adds quietly.
"Jenny."
Jimmy nods, taking a deep breath.
"I want to be sure," Alex admits, "because people like Jenny and you deserve that kind of thing. But I can't help but question it, you know?"
"You deserve it too."
Alex grimaces. "Tell that to my parents."
"Well, they're wrong. And could do with listening to God's Word every once in a while."
Alex throws his head back and laughs. "I think you're the only level-headed religious freak I know."
Jimmy smiles and shakes his head. "Are you still going to my Confirmation? It's in two weeks."
Alex dramatically groans. "Yes, I'll be bored out of my mind, but I'll go. Hopefully I won't blow my brains out."
"Don't joke about that."
Alex reaches across to ruffle Jimmy's hair. "I wouldn't miss it, okay? I'll cheer when your name is called."
"Oh God, please don't."
Alex grins and two weeks later, when Jimmy's full name is called (James Victor Dominic Novak), Alex catcalls and cheers like he just witnessed his team score a touchdown.
Jimmy tries to hold back a grin, but he thinks he does a poor job of it.
**
Amelia is sitting next to him on the ground, staring at the gravestone with "Jennifer Mary Novak, 1976-1979" carved into it. She's clutching the flowers she bought for the occasion and he kisses her temple.
"You were six," she says, disbelieving and so sad.
He nods. "She got the flu and never got better."
"I'm sorry." She places the flowers in front of them.
He closes his eyes and wonders what she would've looked like at eighteen. He remembers her having the same eyes as his, but her hair was a lighter shade of brown, like his mother's. He eventually opens his eyes, not able to really picture it.
"After she died, I kept having this nightmare about her soul being taken by - not an angel, but something out of a horror movie. A reaper with a skull for a face and glowing red eyes and after taking her, he'd take me too. I had it for years. I still get it every once in a while."
Amelia rests her head on his shoulder, bringing a hand to rest on his thigh where she lazily draws hearts with her finger. "Did you ever tell anyone about it?"
"No - why would I do that to my parents, who were already suffering enough?"
"Not even Alex?"
Jimmy closes his eyes again and tries to remember. "I think…" he starts slowly, "I think I only told him I had nightmares in a failed attempt to make him feel better about his own."
They sit in silence for a while until she says, "Please don't keep things like that to yourself - you always have me, okay?" She's pleading more than she's demanding and it's just so nice to have a shoulder to rest on, having been that shoulder for so many people for too long.
He smiles and says a prayer for his sister.
**
Amelia is on a date with one of Kyle's friends - Joshua - and Jimmy is pissed at Kyle for not talking his friend out of it and he knows his other friends are trying to cheer him up (or get him drunk enough to be cheered up). But at this point he just wants to go back to his dorm room for another round of berating because he should've gathered the courage to ask her out sooner and that's his own fault.
The pen that his friend Mike used to sign his bill is in Jimmy's hands and he constantly has to stop himself from chewing on the top, a nasty habit he developed at thirteen before he accidentally broke it and swallowed ink.
Instead he starts mindlessly drawing shapes on a beer-stained napkin, a nicer habit he picked up from Amelia, who constantly scribbles or draws plans for imaginary rooms on any blank surface she can draw on.
He sneaks another glance over to the table Amelia and Joshua are at, sharing a drink, and she's making him laugh about something. Sandra walks by, taps Amelia on the shoulder to say hi, and then leaves.
He considers going over there dramatically claiming his I'm-not-really-sure-but-I-think-this-is-pretty-close-to-love feelings for her, but his cheeks flush at the imminent embarrassment since that doesn't happen in real life.
Suddenly Amelia looks over to him and she beams, the first time he's seen her do it since she walked in with Joshua. He smiles and waves. Then she frowns dramatically, cocking her head to the side, nonverbally asking what's wrong.
He brings his palms together, tilts his head, and closes his eyes in a sleepy gesture. She furrows her brow and he can't do this; he simply waves goodbye before tapping Mike on the shoulder to let him know he's leaving.
Once he steps outside, he takes a deep breath and starts walking back to his dorm, ignoring the taxis. But as soon as he's a block away and a particularly cold gust of April wind hits him, he realizes he left his jacket in the bar.
He bites back a fuck, figuring someone will hopefully pick it up or Charlie will find it at the end of the night.
As he's crossing the street to make a left, he hears, "Jimmy!"
He turns around and tries not to gape at Amelia running over to him with his jacket draped over an arm. "Ames, you didn't have to -"
"It probably would've gotten stolen, it's no problem at all," she waves him off.
He takes the jacket and puts it on. "Thank you."
"No problem." Then she smiles a tad awkwardly, clapping her hands together. "So, uh, I should go -"
"I really like you."
She freezes, her lips parted mid-sentence and he's quickly trying to figure out if he can do a college transfer mid-junior year - that's totally possible, right?
"Sorry!" he says, mortified and he can feel his face growing hot, "I - that was dumb and rude. And awful. You're in the middle of a date I am - just ignore that -"
"I like you too," she cuts him off, turning pink.
They stare at each other blankly for a few seconds.
"I just agreed to go on the date because I was tired of waiting for you and I didn't - and Joshua apparently - Kyle put him to it because he figured maybe you would - I don't know -"
Goddamn it, Kyle. "Could I kiss you now? I kind of want to and I figured I should really ask before I just - so, uh?" He feels like his tongue is too big for his mouth and he should shut up because he's pretty sure this is the most awkward confession to have happened on this planet.
"Yeah - yes. Please. I mean," she squeezes her eyes shut for a second, "You're allowed." Then she shakes her head. "Actually you know what, please do so because we both sound like morons right now, so -"
He cuts her off with a kiss, cupping her face as she sighs. He closes his eyes and finds heaven in the warmth of her mouth, lips, breath, feeling his heart lighten and flutter that he can't help but smile against her.
He pulls away just enough so she's still close, sharing the air between them and just as he's about to say something, a pair of headlights flash and he realizes they're still in the middle of the road.
He takes her hand and leads her to the sidewalk and she's laughing, lips too gloriously pink and her cheeks are flushed so he kisses her again, just once, before going back to her dorm.
(He asks her out officially and they make out for a bit before he goes to sleep elated for the first time in so long.)
Part II