Glee Fic: Rate Yourself and Rake Yourself
Title: Rate Yourself and Rake Yourself
Characters/Pairings: Blaine, Santana, Cooper, Brittany, Anderson parents, Emma; mentioned Blaine/Kurt, Santana/Brittany
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers/Warnings: through 4x04; issues that were discussed during this episode, language
Word Count: ~7,200
Disclaimer: Title is from "Little Lion Man" by Mumford & Sons.
Summary: Blaine's weekend after the previous one spent in New York.
A/N: Thank you Nikki for reading over some of this and being awesome. And thank you to everyone else for being amazing cheerleaders.
Rate Yourself and Rake Yourself
It's a new record - Blaine has only said three words today: 'hi' and 'thank you.' It's quite remarkable how easy it to coast by with just that.
He hasn't sung in a few days - hasn't felt like it (what's the point?).
He's walking down the hallway, adjusting his collar for the fifth time today because nothing seems to sit right on him when he hears, "Hey, Blaine."
He closes his eyes briefly before gripping his bag tighter and turning to face Santana. "Hi."
She stares at him intently - it's the most scrutiny he's been under lately and he wants to turn around and continue toward the library, to his table in the very back where there's dust on the shelves and the loudness from the front is muffled.
"Where are you heading?" she asks and he can't even begin to read her expression - it's not mean and not kind either. Maybe she's waiting for the right moment to strike.
"The library - free period." Well, there goes his record. He'll have to start again on Monday after the weekend.
Santana nods. "Okay." And they walk there together, much to his confusion.
He tries not to look at her.
**
"I didn't know the library was this big," Santana murmurs, impressed.
Blaine doesn't bother mentioning that this library is pitiful in comparison to Dalton, even to his old high school.
He begins taking out his Calculus work, pleased that he not only has a lot of homework, but he has a test early next week - he's going to study all weekend and boost his grade since it's beginning to slip in the A- range after a B+ on the last test. That won't do.
"Okay, I know what happened, Blaine. You don't have to think I'm going to castrate you every other second. I'm not righteous and I'm the last fucking person to call someone out on any shit thing they do."
"Then why else are you here?" he asks, but his voice is flat and tired.
She stares at him for a few beats before chuckling, but she doesn't sound amused. "Oh man, Anderson, I thought I was a fuck up."
Blaine slams his textbook shut, resting his forearms on it as he leans forward. "Okay, come on. Just lay it on me."
"What?"
"You're Santana Lopez - you always have an offensive insult on the tip of your tongue for everyone, so just say what you want to say. I'm curious on what you can possibly say that I haven't already thought, so please, surprise me."
"I'm not going to do that," she repeats patiently. "I was a much shittier person than you could ever be and I've hurt more people than you will ever in your life."
His hands start to shake, so he hides them under the table. "That's not what I was expecting," he admits, now feeling stupid on top of everything else.
"What can I say, I'm on a maturity streak." She sounds bitter and maybe he would comment on it before, but he won't now.
"Blaine," she says, getting his attention. "You're not the Antichrist for this. You're not the first person to cheat and certainly won't be the last, at least with glee club. Look at Brittany - she cheated on Artie with me. Do you think she's a horrible, unforgivable bitch?"
Blaine shakes his head and looks down at his hands. "I knew better," he mumbles.
Santana slams her hand on the table, scaring him to look up. "Don't you fucking dare," she hisses. "The one thing that Brittany loves about you is that you treat her like a real person and not someone who's mentally disabled. She knew what she was doing. Don't insult her by thinking otherwise."
He inhales shakily and nods. "Okay. Sorry. You're right." Although he's heard that Santana tricked Brittany into thinking it was okay, but maybe that was just as much for Santana for wanting to be with Brittany as it was for Brittany to protect herself from really feeling the painful mess of relationships.
"You weren't being malicious and that makes a difference," she says after a minute.
"Not to me and not to Kurt."
"He'll realize it eventually and so should you."
Blaine looks away and tries to keep his tears at bay - he's been doing well since New York. "He should've just broken up with me before he left, like Mike did with Tina. But I can't think that because - "
Before he realizes it, she's sharply tapped her hand on his cheek - too soft to be a proper slap, but there's still a sting. He stares at her in shock. "Stop it. It's done. What ifs are stupid." Her expression softens. "Let glee club heal you or whatever bullshit Schue is spouting these days. You and Kurt will work it out. Lesser couples have done it."
Blaine rubs his cheek, which doesn't hurt anymore, but it's a bit warm.
Santana checks her watch and curses. "Fuck, I have to go home and finish packing - I have to be back at school tonight for a cheer meeting. But - just take care, okay? And if you can, watch out for Britt."
Whatever he planned on saying before dies on his lips along with everything else. "Of course. I'll always be there for her."
She smiles at him and reaches over to stroke the cheek she hit. He tries not to shudder and simply pulls back, trying to smile at her but he doesn't think he's all that successful.
"I'll see you later," she just says before leaving him alone.
He almost takes out his iPod to listen to while he works, but he hasn't brought it to school lately. There are too many songs that remind him of Kurt and too many songs that make everything that much worse.
So he just opens his textbook and begins working, ignoring the ringing in his ears and focuses on getting all the steps of this problem right.
**
Blaine leaves the school at around five, halfway done with his Calculus homework. Technically, he would be done if he just did the even numbered problems, which is his homework, but it's good practice to do them all so he'll do well on the test.
He heads up the stairs and starts to go towards his room but then remembers he's been sleeping in Cooper's old room for the last few nights.
Except when he walks in, he finds a black duffel bag on the bed.
"Coop?" Blaine mutters, surprised.
"There you are - I was worried, little bro," Cooper exclaims right behind him, causing Blaine to jump back and yell a little before he's pulled into Cooper's chest for a hug.
"Cooper, God," Blaine breathes out in frustration, but relaxes into Cooper's hold. "What are you doing here - I thought you had an audition today."
"I had it in the morning and decided, hey. I can definitely come up to Ohio to visit Blainey for the weekend!"
Blaine steps back, even though he doesn't really want to.
"How are you?" Cooper asks, sounding serious and Blaine wishes he wouldn't - that he'd go back to talking nonstop about himself and LA and all the crazy things he's doing. While infuriating at times, it's incredibly comforting, like diving headfirst into a book, forgetting that the outside world exists.
"How do you think, Coop," Blaine answers, looking down.
"I want to know from you."
"Can we not?" Blaine half-begs before swallowing, trying to compose himself.
Cooper's eyes are sharp as he tries to read Blaine, but eventually he sighs and nods. "Fine. Whatever you want." He then drapes an arm around Blaine's shoulders. "Mom and Dad are gone for the weekend, right? That wedding in Kentucky?"
Blaine rolls his eyes. "Georgia."
"Eh, same thing. So! Want to order pizza? Half white, half Hawaiian?"
"Sure." Blaine almost smiles.
**
"Hah, I win again!"
"Coop, it's not really fair that we're just doing the '80s version of Scene It? since you're the only '80s kid in the room," Blaine points out with a roll of his eyes, tossing his crust into the empty pizza box. "What I know, I know from you."
"Well then you're just going to have to go get the '90s version for next time."
"I will."
Cooper then grins mischievously. "You know I got a bottle of scotch upstairs - I was going to give it to dad, but we should totally just get wasted together. I've always wanted to see you drunk."
Blaine winces. "I'd rather not."
Cooper stares at him blankly. "You'd…rather not," he repeats.
Blaine shrugs. "It's not good when I drink."
"Blaine. We're at home. What's the worst you can do - break a ceramic bowl? I don't think Dad will even give a shit I mean when you broke that statue -"
"I'm pretty sure that was you and you pinned it on me," Blaine says.
"Whatever, he totally smiled, so. Come on, squirt."
Blaine looks down at his hands, remembering Kurt's disappointed, hurt eyes in the haze of intoxication and he's afraid that's all he'll see if he throws back a drink or two.
"Is this a Kurt thing?" Cooper asks, and from the corner of Blaine's eye he can see Cooper's eyes narrowing.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Well maybe you should. Have you talked to anyone about it?"
"Yeah," Blaine answers, thinking about Santana, but now that he really considers it, he didn't really do a lot of talking, did he?
"Yeah, I thought not," Cooper concludes and Blaine hates this, when Cooper is borderline condescending and it's not like Cooper's earned that at all, not being there for half of Blaine's life.
"You don't get to pick and choose when to be a big brother, Cooper," Blaine snaps.
"I know that - that's what I've been trying fix these past few months! I'm doing what I can - you can maybe help me out and tell me how to be there for you."
Blaine crosses his arms over his chest. "This is fine."
"You're sleeping in my room - why are you avoiding yours?"
When Blaine doesn't say anything, Cooper gets up from the couch and runs across the room to the stairs.
"Cooper, what are you -" Blaine starts, running after him, following him down the hallway until Cooper ends up in Blaine's bedroom. Blaine just freezes in the doorway, eyes inevitably drawn towards the bed.
"What's wrong with your room?" Cooper asks, bringing his hands behind his back and walking slowly around, strikingly reminding Blaine of a teacher he had at Dalton, who was overly theatric with the source material. "There's not a bee or anything hiding in here, right?" Cooper suddenly asks, completely breaking character as his eyes dart from one corner to the other.
"No bees. It's October, I'm pretty sure they're all gone," Blaine sighs, suddenly fond.
"Okay, good." Cooper snaps back to his original posture and continues walking. "It's meticulous as always. Nothing seems to be missing." He goes over to the closet and opens it. "No monsters in the closet."
"Fuck off," Blaine blurts and raises his eyebrows at his own retort.
Cooper slowly turns his head to Blaine, mouth open with a scandalized expression. "Zing."
Blaine flushes, but doesn't take back what he said.
Cooper smiles at him with something akin to pride before his eyes fall on the bed. Blaine looks away.
"You said you went to -"
"Not him - Kurt," Blaine cuts Cooper off, flushing even more.
Usually Cooper is so clueless most of the time that Blaine forgets his ability to be scarily perceptive when he's lucid.
"Okay, sit," Cooper says after a minute of silence, walking to the bed and sitting on the edge, patting the empty space next to him.
Feeling like he's four, he immediately follows Cooper's orders, sitting down with about a foot of space between them. Cooper scoffs and wraps an arm around Blaine's shoulders, forcing him closer.
"There," Cooper says, keeping his arm the way it is. They sit together quietly for a few seconds before he adds, "This isn't A Nightmare on Elm Street - the bed's not going to eat you up and spit out all your blood."
"I hope you don't think the human body contains that much blood like in the movie," Blaine mutters.
Cooper rolls his eyes and it makes Blaine smile. "Johnny Depp isn't a real person though. He's a legend. A god."
Blaine shakes his head.
They're quiet again. Blaine had forgotten how much he likes his bed - Cooper's is too soft and sometimes Blaine feels like he's drowning in it when he wakes up in the morning.
"This is your bed, Blaine."
Blaine blinks. "Yes."
"Yours. It's not - just because you and Kurt…it doesn't make it his. It's not like he's going to come in and take it."
"It was basically ours," Blaine says softly, picking at the comforter.
"Then let's change the comforter. Buy something new that's yours. Frankly I hate this comforter - the colors make you seem like you're seventy. Just - you can't keep punishing yourself like this. I mean what you did -" Then Cooper cuts himself off, shaking his head. "I'm afraid to even say anything about it because I know you'll ignore everything else and focus on that. If I say what you did was shitty, you'll assume I'm saying you're shitty, which you're not."
"Of course I'm a shitty person, why else would I have done it?"
"I don't know, Blaine, why don't you tell me."
He told Finn that he didn't know, but Cooper's looking at him expectantly, like he knows without a doubt there are reasons and they're not excusable, they don't make it right, but they make it -
"I just want to understand why my little brother felt so bad that he…" Cooper trails off, squeezing his shoulder.
Blaine squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. "I."
"You…"
"I felt like…" Blaine bit his bottom lip. "It was like that week I got out of the hospital, and you had to go back to LA because you needed to make an audition that your agent scheduled for you and you were behind on rent, even though you didn't tell Mom and Dad. And they had to go to some…function or black tie or something. I don't remember. And it was the first time I had been left alone and you called, excited that you got the Free Credit Rating deal because it was huge and we couldn't talk that long because my concussion was still awful. You had just hung up and - my head was pounding and it was the only thing I could hear. I just -" Blaine takes a shuddering breath. "I realized how alone I actually was - the house felt too big and yet I felt like I couldn't breathe. I could do anything or say anything and nobody would know, care."
Blaine suddenly realizes that Cooper is squeezing him way too tightly.
"Uh, Coop -"
"If anyone…anyone makes you feel that way, you shouldn't be with them," Cooper says in a wavering voice. "And I'm so sorry I made you feel that way."
Blaine inhales and smiles at him. "It was a lot more complicated than that - it wasn't just you, but. Thank you." He pats Cooper's thigh reassuringly before saying, "And it's not that easy. Just. Being with Kurt is like…was like. I felt my best, but also my worst. The worst I've felt lately was because of him - disappointing him, hurting him." Blaine looks up to keep his tears from falling. "I hurt him so badly, Coop," he adds, his voice cracking.
"Worrying about disappointing your boyfriend isn't good, Blaine. That's not healthy," Cooper says, his voice sharp and Blaine has always figured Cooper never loved Kurt.
"Well, it doesn't matter now because the next text I get from Kurt will be his officially dumping me, so. It's not like I deserve another chance I mean why would he want me? I can barely handle being in my own skin, so I don't know why he'd ever touch me again or look at me or -"
"Blaine!" Cooper interrupts, placing his hands on Blaine's shoulders. "You're not Stalin - you didn't murder millions of people, don't talk about yourself like that. You're worth more than that."
Blaine shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut because he doesn't think he can keep it together anymore.
Just as Blaine is about to pull away, Cooper wraps his arms around him and pulls him in into a tight hug, a hand resting on the back of his head, a gesture his mother used to do when Blaine would run to her, crying about Cooper teasing him and Blaine sobs, gripping the back of Cooper's shirt until his knuckles are locked. He hasn't done this in so long, crying with his entire body and the noises coming out of his throat are frightening, even to his own ears and yet Cooper is still holding him, rocking a little from side to side, which just makes him cry harder.
Eventually he quiets and just sniffles, beyond the point of congestion, resting his aching head against Cooper's collarbone.
"You made a mistake, but you're still Blaine Anderson, my little brother who can sing so well that he makes me question my talent - I'm only going to say that once and I will deny it if you bring it up again," Cooper quickly adds, which makes Blaine exhale a laughing breath. "You have the biggest damn heart and you love too much for your own damn good and you may hate yourself right now, but just know that I'll always love you, squirt."
Blaine starts crying again, but he's laughing too. "I can't cry anymore."
"I can make you cry more - you haven't seen my moving rendition of Schindler's 'I Could Have Done More,' speech in Schindler's List since I've been working on really perfecting it, but -"
"That's okay, Coop. I'll wait until you're ready," Blaine says, pulling away. Hopefully Cooper is moving because otherwise it may just be too offensive, even for him. "And it might be best if you showed me it first before you audition with it."
Cooper plops a hand on Blaine's shoulder. "You're my harshest critic," he says, agreeing.
**
Cooper hands Blaine Nyquil and Blaine's not one for using it when he's not sick, but he really can't breathe and it would be nice to just fall asleep without thinking, just once.
He's laying in his own bed, his comforter replaced by Cooper's, eyelids feeling heavy when he hears Cooper murmuring downstairs, probably on the phone. He hopes it's not with their parents because it's late, they go to sleep early, and what's so important at this hour.
Finally he sleeps.
**
Blaine wakes up for the first time in days without feeling nauseous. He also wakes up to Cooper's leg sprawled over Blaine's, his hand almost resting on Blaine's face.
Blaine forgot how much room Cooper takes up when he sleeps.
He sighs, throwing the blankets off him so he can sit up and check his phone.
It's half past eleven and he has a few texts from two people.
From Brittany Pierce:
Santana sed I shud watch out 4 u but I cant do that if I dont no where u live.
From Brittany Pierce:
Nevermind I found it but wut window is urs.
After Blaine notes the time the texts were sent - around seven in the morning - he quickly dials Brittany's number.
"Hello, Brittany S. Pierce's phone, Brittany speaking."
"Brittany! Are you still outside my house?" he asks, getting to his feet and rushing down the stairs.
"Yeah, I've just been patrolling. Lord Tubbington has kept me company - his gang has actually been really helpful, but he had to leave for his Saturday brunch with the cat across the street, Pumpkin."
Blaine slips on worn dockers kept in the foyer and opens the front door. "Brittany?" he calls, sticking his head out, shivering in the cold.
Brittany comes running into his view wearing jeans and a plain white shirt - it's the most casually dressed he's seen her. "Blaine Warbler!" she says happily, heading towards him.
He opens the door for her fully and she immediately hugs him, humming under her breath. He smiles and wraps his arms around her. "Hi, Brittany. You know you don't have to stand guard my house, right?" He puts his hands on her waist and steps back. "Although I do appreciate it."
She beams. "Good."
He peaks over her shoulder and notes that there isn't a car in the driveway. "Um…how did you get here?"
"I walked," she answers as if he was stupid to ask the question in the first place.
"Okay, well. Do you want to come in, have breakfast - or brunch now, I suppose - and then I'll drive you home?"
"That sounds marvelous."
Blaine shuts the door behind her and looks down at himself, sheepish. "Let me change and wake up my brother and then I can start making something - can you wait down here for a few minutes? You can go in the living room and watch TV."
Brittany nods and flounces to the couch. He smiles at her for a moment before going up the stairs.
When he reaches his room, he runs and jumps onto the bed on top of Cooper. "Rise and shine!"
Cooper flails and then tries to shove Blaine onto the floor. "Blaine! You asshole!" Cooper yells and Blaine just laughs, eventually rolling off the bed.
"Get up - Brittany's downstairs -"
Cooper furrows his brow.
"Brittany. Pierce. She's in glee club? You met her a few months ago?"
Nothing.
"Tall, blonde?"
Cooper shakes his head. "No, I don't know who that is," he says slowly.
Blaine rolls his eyes. "Well I said I'd make her brunch and if you're lucky, you can have chocolate chip pancakes."
Cooper sits up and pins him with a glare. "Evil."
Blaine beams at him but then remembers, and his face falls.
"Fuck," Cooper curses, flatting backwards onto the bed.
"No, don't, you didn't do anything wrong, I'm - I'll be fine. Really."
Cooper sits up again and looks at him. "You will be fine."
Blaine nods, taking a breath. "I'm going to change and do my hair, so. Get out. Her name's Brittany and if she says anything -" Blaine pauses and then says, "you know what, it won't be too weird for you. Just be nice."
Cooper sighs dramatically and swings his legs out to stand up. "Alright. I'll get ready myself. Can't depress the fans."
"Brittany. One person. Singular. And she's - well. She was in a relationship with Santana, so. Please be a bit sensitive." Blaine winces as soon as the request leaves his mouth.
"Relax, little bro, I'm a pro at this."
Blaine rolls his eyes to the ceiling before going to his closet to find something to wear.
**
Blaine comes down twenty minutes later in pegged jeans, Henley, and a cardigan to find Cooper and Brittany sitting on the couch together, watching cartoons.
"It always drives me nuts how the cartoons' mouths don't match what they say. I mean really, you think the animators would get that right," Cooper rants.
"Sometimes I watch cartoons without sound and guess what they say. I'm pretty sure that's how the government sends secret messages," Brittany says.
"Huh."
"Hey guys," Blaine says, pushing up his cardigan sleeves. "What would you like to have, Britt?" He goes towards the refrigerator to get out what he needs. "I can make you chocolate chip, blueberry, or strawberry - wait, no, scratch that, these strawberries aren't good anymore," he takes the container of strawberries and slides them across the counter towards where the garbage is. "So, blueberry or chocolate chip pancakes. Or plain. Or I can make you scrambled eggs. That's pretty much my culinary capabilities for breakfast foods."
"Can I have chocolate chip pancakes, but can I put the chocolate chips on them?" Brittany asks, bouncing up and down on the couch. "I want to make a face."
"Sure. I'll call you over in a few minutes."
"Awesome."
Later, after Blaine calls Brittany over to put in her chocolate chips (she's attempting to make a Picasso-like face - at least he hopes she is because the face is distorted and a bit frightening), he remembers that he had another text to look at.
From Tina Cohen-Chang:
Hey if you ever want to talk I'm here
From Blaine Anderson:
Really?
He winces as soon as he sends the text because why would he question it, although he did just assume she would never want to look at him again, being Kurt's friend for longer; he hasn't talked to her in a week.
From Tina Cohen-Chang:
You and Kurt are both my friends and I'm sorry I didn't notice you were unhappy. It makes me a big hypocrite after last year, bitching about how no one noticed me.
From Blaine Anderson:
It's really okay - don't feel bad. Thank you, I really appreciate it.
From Tina Cohen-Chang:
=)
Blaine smiles as he pockets his phone. "Are you done, Britt?"
**
Cooper and Brittany seem to get along well - she eats up whatever he has to say, and it's the same vice versa, which is somewhat concerning and he's going to have to talk to Brittany later about Cooper's advice on how to properly make clothes seem worn since she shouldn't be using tools like that, and talk Cooper out of buying a cat since he can barely take care of himself.
Blaine and Cooper drop Brittany off at her house and they watch her skip inside before pulling out of her driveway and heading toward the mall.
"Time to get you a new comforter that is age-appropriate."
"The fact that you used 'appropriate' in a sentence astounds me."
Cooper punches Blaine in the arm and almost causes Blaine to serve into the next lane.
"Do you want to crash and burn? You're not nearly famous enough to be compared to the likes of James Dean to make it worthwhile."
Cooper gapes at him. "You are a sassy little bitch. I'm impressed."
Blaine can't help but preen a little and Cooper takes over the stereo while Blaine's distracted. As soon as Blaine hears the beginning of the song, he says, "NO, we're not listening to Kajagoogoo, nobody likes that band!"
"'Too Shy' is a classic, Blaine. Respect it."
"It gets stuck in my head at the worst possible moments. It will never die."
Cooper cackles the rest of the way to the mall.
**
They end up picking out a blue and green comforter that's plaid like his old one, but the pattern is smaller.
"Ah, much better," Cooper says after they've packed away the old comforter (maybe Blaine will drop it off to Good Will eventually, if he can) and put the new one on the bed.
"I like it," Blaine admits, even though it hurts.
Cooper claps a hand on Blaine's shoulder. "We should get drunk now."
Blaine rolls his eyes. "You really want to see me drunk, don't you."
"I've been going back and forth about what kind of drunk you would be for the past twelve years and I want to know if I'm right."
"Aright, fine. But I'm not going to get drunk."
"Whatever you say, Blainey."
**
Blaine gets drunk and sings for the first time in a week and everything just feels so much better.
At least until he stumbles into his bed and sees a picture of Kurt and him on his shelf and ends up crying himself to sleep.
**
He wakes up with a hangover, but he thinks it'll pass with ibuprofen and food.
Cooper, however, is way worse and complains the entire time Blaine makes scrambled eggs.
"It's your fault," Blaine says, scooping eggs onto Cooper's plate and pushing the ketchup towards him.
"I guess it's worth it," Cooper mumbles, uncapping the ketchup and squirting zigzags over the eggs. "You're a fun drunk. I was right. Victory."
Blaine smiles as he pours orange juice for them.
**
Cooper begs Blaine to drive him to the airport and while Blaine's suspicious about his insistence, he agrees since he wants to spend just a little more time with him, selfishly extend this bubble of good times.
"Brittany tells me you're going to do Grease this year," Cooper says halfway to the airport.
"When did she tell you that?"
"Oh we've been texting. I'm going to look into some contacts in LA because I think she'll really thrive there."
Blaine blinks and tries to clear his head of that for now. "Okay. Yeah. We're doing Grease. I think the AV club is going to tape it, so I'll send you a copy since I know that's your favorite movie."
Cooper grins at him. "So you're auditioning for Danny, right? I think you should sing -"
"I don't know if I want to do the play this year."
"What?"
Blaine shrugs. "I'm not really -"
"No, stop it right there. Doing the play will be good for you. Even if you don't want to lead it, which I think is dumb to not want it, but. Singing on stage makes you happy, right? Do what makes you happy."
Blaine can hear the stop punishing yourself in between the lines and it's hard since he doesn't deserve to have and experience nice things when he always ends up screwing them up, but.
"Just audition, okay? If anything it's good practice for the future."
"Okay, okay."
Cooper beams. "Good because I don't think I'd ever forgive you if you passed up the opportunity to be a T-Bird. You would be no brother of mine."
Then Blaine has to listen to Cooper lamenting for fifteen minutes about how his high school did Grease the year after he graduated and it was a crime because Cooper was born to play Danny Zuko and some girl he always wanted to hook up with would've been a great Sandy ("I totally ended up sleeping with her a year later though," Cooper adds, a pleased smile on his face).
When they reach the gate and Blaine puts the car in park, Cooper says, "Call me whenever you want, okay? I'll drop everything to talk to you, I swear it."
Blaine smiles grimly. "I'd rather you not make that promise."
"I'm being serious - do you know how well I can fake an emergency? I single-handedly got an entire building to evacuate because I claimed there was a fire, even though the fire alarms didn't go off the entire time. So nothing can be more important."
Blaine laughs and shakes his head.
"I'll try to be home for Thanksgiving, I can't say for sure yet, but Christmas is definite."
Blaine nods, feeling like he's eight again and begging Cooper to come home every weekend because LA isn't that far from Ohio, right?
Cooper pulls him in for a tight hug. "I love you, little bro. Take care of yourself."
Blaine squeezes him and shuts his eyes. "I will." I'll try.
Cooper then pulls away and exits the car with his bag. But before he shuts the door he says, "By the way, Mom and Dad's plan lands in five minutes, so you better get around to their gate it's E5. Bye!"
"Wait what - Coop!"
But Cooper is strutting away, leaving Blaine to gape after him.
"Sneaky jerk," Blaine mutters, looking at the signs ahead to figure out how to get to the right gate.
**
"Thank you for getting us," his mother says after Blaine and his father load the car with the suitcases.
"Of course," Blaine responds, sliding into the driver's seat as his father enters the passenger side and his mother the back.
Things are quiet for the first ten minutes, his father only murmuring, "You can go above the speed limit, I want to be home already," and Blaine tries hard not to smile as he accelerates to his usual speed.
"How was the wedding?" Blaine asks politely as he merges onto the highway.
"It was very nice - thankfully the weather held up. They were afraid that a storm from the Caribbean would travel up, but thankfully it bypassed us," his mother answers.
"That's good."
Silence.
"And how was your weekend with Cooper?" his mother asks after a moment too long.
"It was fun. It was good seeing him. He said he's going to try to come for Thanksgiving."
"Yes, he told us that. I hope he does."
"Don't guilt him into coming if he can't make it. The boy has to earn a living," his father says and Blaine flinches a bit.
"I think he can afford to spend the holiday with us," his mother says calmly.
Blaine doesn't say anything else, but maybe he and his mother can work something out to bring Cooper home in November.
**
They order in Asian food for dinner and since it's Sunday, they watch 60 Minutes in relative quiet. This segment is about ghost towns, which Blaine finds pretty fascinating. He wonders how many ghost towns there are in Ohio, if his parents have ever been to one, but he doesn't ask.
**
He's studying for his Calculus test when his mother pushes open his door later that night.
"Oh," his mother says, surprised when she takes note of his bed. "New comforter? When did that happen?"
"Yeah, Cooper and I got it at the mall on Saturday. I needed a change. I still have the old one in my closet."
She nods. "It's nice."
He's surprised when she walks over and sits down on the bed, looking at him searchingly. "Are you doing okay?"
He swallows and answers, "Yeah, I'm fine."
She looks sad as she reaches out to cup his cheek and he automatically closes his eyes for a few moments. "My strong boy."
"I'm not that strong," he says in a quiet, strangled voice.
"You are." And it's so calm and she speaks like it's a natural law of nature - the grass is green, the sky is blue, Blaine is strong.
He hopes she doesn't notice the tears in his eyes but she's alarmingly perceptive.
"Goodnight, Blaine. Don't stay up too late." She kisses him on the cheek. "I love you."
"Love you too," he says and his heart is in his throat as he watches her leave and close the door behind her.
**
Not long after, there are two knocks on the door, then, "Goodnight, Blaine."
"'Night, Dad."
It's how it always is - his father very rarely comes inside.
Except tonight his father opens the door halfway and looks inside. He blinks. "New bedding?"
"Yeah."
His father nods.
They stare at each other and Blaine would love to talk with him - it seems like such a nice idea - but he got his inability to express himself verbally from somewhere (someone) and it's too much for them.
His father smiles and there's some regret there that takes Blaine by surprise. "Remember to tell your school to send out your transcripts."
Blaine knows that's not what he wants to say, knows it with unwavering certainty and it lifts something off his shoulders that's been there for a long, long time. "I will - I'll do it tomorrow."
"Good." His father narrows his eyes as he tries to see what Blaine's studying. "Is that Calculus?"
"Yeah, I have a test."
His father grimaces. "I almost failed that class in college, so hopefully you don't have my talents in that area."
Blaine grins. "I don't think I need to worry about doing as terribly as you, then."
His father grins and it's such a rare, yet unsettling sight because he can see Cooper and himself there. "Good luck on your test."
"Thanks."
Then his father leaves and Blaine lunges for his phone to text Cooper, accuse him of saying something to their parents because they don't act like this - it's almost too loving, even if it's still cold and distant compared to Burt (Mr. Hummel to him now, Blaine supposes).
But he can't tell him off for that, not when he actually feels like they're a family unit for the first time since Cooper walked out without looking back, so he just tosses his phone to the end of his bed with a sigh and continues studying.
**
Blaine wakes up an hour before his alarm from a hazy nightmare, guilt and hatred and regret gripping his insides and he rushes to the bathroom to throw up, but there's nothing in his stomach but bile.
This isn't the first time it's happened and he's sure it won't be the last, although he appreciated the reprieve of the past two days.
**
During passing time, Artie gives him a grim smile and Sam nods his head before looking down. Tina isn't in school today but Brittany grins from ear to ear and invites him over for Keebler cookies after school.
"They're going to be freshly baked, I smelled them from the tree in my backyard this morning."
(Blaine sincerely hopes that her parents are actually behind this.)
**
(He never gets a call or a text.)
**
Blaine walks into Ms. Pillsbury's office at the beginning of his free period. She's sitting at her desk, reading, and he makes out A Counselor's Guide to, but not the rest of the title.
She smiles up at him and closes the book when he shuts the door. "Hi, Blaine! What can I do for you?"
"Hi, Ms. Pillsbury," he says, his voice still rough from this morning so he coughs to clear it as best he can. "I just have a list of the schools I'm going to be applying to, so I need my transcripts sent out to them, if you could," he continues, handing over the list.
She takes it and begins reading. "Wow, you're applying to some hard schools."
He smiles and shrugs, flushing a little. "A few of them are reaches, but -"
"Oh! I didn't mean - you're so bright, I mean your GPA says it all. All of these schools would be lucky to have you."
Now he properly blushes. "Thank you."
She frowns worriedly. "You sound sick - are you catching something?"
He can detect a bit of fear in her voice and he suddenly remembers her aversions to any and all germs, so he's quick to counter with, "Not all." He pauses. "It's just allergies," he adds, hoping the lie will ease her.
She sighs a little in relief, but the frown is still there. "It is that time of year again. Well. Feel better, and just let me know if there are problems with the schools receiving your transcripts."
Blaine nods and smiles. "I will. Thank you so much." He heads towards the door, already planning on what he can get done with the rest of his free period, when -
"Wait, Blaine?"
Blaine pauses for a moment with his hand on the door before turning towards her, surprised. "Yes?"
She's nervous, fiddling with her hands on her desk and she's biting her bottom lip before she finally asks, "Are you okay?"
He almost asks her to repeat herself, but his tongue isn't working properly.
"I'm -" he starts, fine, okay, well at the tip of his tongue, but then "No, not really," comes out of his mouth instead.
He feels like sinking into the floor for a few awful, long seconds until she asks, "Do you want to sit down?"
He's still gripping the door handle and he can easily say he has work to do, that he should really study for this Calculus test that he has tomorrow, but Cooper's words from the weekend echo in his mind and he drops his hand and walks over to the chair across from Ms. Pillsbury.
She smiles at him kindly and it's a rarity these days, or maybe he's kidding himself into thinking that and it's been even longer than that.
"I keep vomiting every morning after I wake up," he blurts after a minute of silence that began to grow awkward.
"Well…thankfully you're not a girl, so that rules out a possible pregnancy," she jokes.
He smiles and laughs a little.
"Are you stressed?" she inquires. "Senior year is very stressful with keeping up grades and applying."
He shakes his head.
She pauses and tilts her head a bit, pursing her lips. "How -" But she stops herself, her gaze boring into his and maybe he should open up more, say that he knows why it's happening, what he's going through, but it's so unbelievably personal that he could barely get the words out to Cooper; there's no way he's going to tell her.
"You know," she starts, "I used to get unbelievably nervous before exams. I couldn't eat all day and even the smell of food made me sick. Before the SATs, I think I threw up at least twice a day for a week. It was terrible. Not to mention very disgusting."
He nods along, not sure where she's going with this.
"Eventually, I was sent to the guidance office because they were concerned I had an eating disorder. I told my counselor that I was just nervous before tests and it's always manifested into nausea, but. What also made me sick was my fear of failing, not just the test, but life, school. Ultimately my family. Disappointing them. Trying to make up for my OCD, which my parents always treated as a laughing matter," she continues, frowning again. "And I had to learn to take it one step at a time. To not think about failing anyone else. I had to focus on myself and not try to prove something to my parents."
"I don't think having nerves for a test is really comparable to what I did," Blaine says quietly.
She furrows her brow and replies, "Perhaps. Perhaps not. But I think the lesson may end up being the same: you are your harshest judge and harshest punisher."
He looks down at his hands on his lap for a few moments before glancing up to see her smiling at him. "I can't imagine not always feeling like this."
Her smile grows. "My counselor, who was also very much into eastern philosophy and actually ended up getting fired for doing drugs in her office, also told me 'this too shall pass.' Sooner or later the feelings will fade."
He's not sure if he wants that, deserves it, but there's Cooper in the back of his mind again, telling him to stop punishing himself, and maybe this is part of the it, to stop smothering himself with guilt and regret and self-hate and just focus on getting better before he does anything else. One step at a time.
He smiles at her. "Thank you, Ms. Pillsbury."
She beams. "You're welcome. I'm always here if you want to talk. Or not talk. Whatever you want," she rambles, out of breath but so happy.
Maybe he'll take her up on that.
Characters/Pairings: Blaine, Santana, Cooper, Brittany, Anderson parents, Emma; mentioned Blaine/Kurt, Santana/Brittany
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers/Warnings: through 4x04; issues that were discussed during this episode, language
Word Count: ~7,200
Disclaimer: Title is from "Little Lion Man" by Mumford & Sons.
Summary: Blaine's weekend after the previous one spent in New York.
A/N: Thank you Nikki for reading over some of this and being awesome. And thank you to everyone else for being amazing cheerleaders.
Rate Yourself and Rake Yourself
It's a new record - Blaine has only said three words today: 'hi' and 'thank you.' It's quite remarkable how easy it to coast by with just that.
He hasn't sung in a few days - hasn't felt like it (what's the point?).
He's walking down the hallway, adjusting his collar for the fifth time today because nothing seems to sit right on him when he hears, "Hey, Blaine."
He closes his eyes briefly before gripping his bag tighter and turning to face Santana. "Hi."
She stares at him intently - it's the most scrutiny he's been under lately and he wants to turn around and continue toward the library, to his table in the very back where there's dust on the shelves and the loudness from the front is muffled.
"Where are you heading?" she asks and he can't even begin to read her expression - it's not mean and not kind either. Maybe she's waiting for the right moment to strike.
"The library - free period." Well, there goes his record. He'll have to start again on Monday after the weekend.
Santana nods. "Okay." And they walk there together, much to his confusion.
He tries not to look at her.
**
"I didn't know the library was this big," Santana murmurs, impressed.
Blaine doesn't bother mentioning that this library is pitiful in comparison to Dalton, even to his old high school.
He begins taking out his Calculus work, pleased that he not only has a lot of homework, but he has a test early next week - he's going to study all weekend and boost his grade since it's beginning to slip in the A- range after a B+ on the last test. That won't do.
"Okay, I know what happened, Blaine. You don't have to think I'm going to castrate you every other second. I'm not righteous and I'm the last fucking person to call someone out on any shit thing they do."
"Then why else are you here?" he asks, but his voice is flat and tired.
She stares at him for a few beats before chuckling, but she doesn't sound amused. "Oh man, Anderson, I thought I was a fuck up."
Blaine slams his textbook shut, resting his forearms on it as he leans forward. "Okay, come on. Just lay it on me."
"What?"
"You're Santana Lopez - you always have an offensive insult on the tip of your tongue for everyone, so just say what you want to say. I'm curious on what you can possibly say that I haven't already thought, so please, surprise me."
"I'm not going to do that," she repeats patiently. "I was a much shittier person than you could ever be and I've hurt more people than you will ever in your life."
His hands start to shake, so he hides them under the table. "That's not what I was expecting," he admits, now feeling stupid on top of everything else.
"What can I say, I'm on a maturity streak." She sounds bitter and maybe he would comment on it before, but he won't now.
"Blaine," she says, getting his attention. "You're not the Antichrist for this. You're not the first person to cheat and certainly won't be the last, at least with glee club. Look at Brittany - she cheated on Artie with me. Do you think she's a horrible, unforgivable bitch?"
Blaine shakes his head and looks down at his hands. "I knew better," he mumbles.
Santana slams her hand on the table, scaring him to look up. "Don't you fucking dare," she hisses. "The one thing that Brittany loves about you is that you treat her like a real person and not someone who's mentally disabled. She knew what she was doing. Don't insult her by thinking otherwise."
He inhales shakily and nods. "Okay. Sorry. You're right." Although he's heard that Santana tricked Brittany into thinking it was okay, but maybe that was just as much for Santana for wanting to be with Brittany as it was for Brittany to protect herself from really feeling the painful mess of relationships.
"You weren't being malicious and that makes a difference," she says after a minute.
"Not to me and not to Kurt."
"He'll realize it eventually and so should you."
Blaine looks away and tries to keep his tears at bay - he's been doing well since New York. "He should've just broken up with me before he left, like Mike did with Tina. But I can't think that because - "
Before he realizes it, she's sharply tapped her hand on his cheek - too soft to be a proper slap, but there's still a sting. He stares at her in shock. "Stop it. It's done. What ifs are stupid." Her expression softens. "Let glee club heal you or whatever bullshit Schue is spouting these days. You and Kurt will work it out. Lesser couples have done it."
Blaine rubs his cheek, which doesn't hurt anymore, but it's a bit warm.
Santana checks her watch and curses. "Fuck, I have to go home and finish packing - I have to be back at school tonight for a cheer meeting. But - just take care, okay? And if you can, watch out for Britt."
Whatever he planned on saying before dies on his lips along with everything else. "Of course. I'll always be there for her."
She smiles at him and reaches over to stroke the cheek she hit. He tries not to shudder and simply pulls back, trying to smile at her but he doesn't think he's all that successful.
"I'll see you later," she just says before leaving him alone.
He almost takes out his iPod to listen to while he works, but he hasn't brought it to school lately. There are too many songs that remind him of Kurt and too many songs that make everything that much worse.
So he just opens his textbook and begins working, ignoring the ringing in his ears and focuses on getting all the steps of this problem right.
**
Blaine leaves the school at around five, halfway done with his Calculus homework. Technically, he would be done if he just did the even numbered problems, which is his homework, but it's good practice to do them all so he'll do well on the test.
He heads up the stairs and starts to go towards his room but then remembers he's been sleeping in Cooper's old room for the last few nights.
Except when he walks in, he finds a black duffel bag on the bed.
"Coop?" Blaine mutters, surprised.
"There you are - I was worried, little bro," Cooper exclaims right behind him, causing Blaine to jump back and yell a little before he's pulled into Cooper's chest for a hug.
"Cooper, God," Blaine breathes out in frustration, but relaxes into Cooper's hold. "What are you doing here - I thought you had an audition today."
"I had it in the morning and decided, hey. I can definitely come up to Ohio to visit Blainey for the weekend!"
Blaine steps back, even though he doesn't really want to.
"How are you?" Cooper asks, sounding serious and Blaine wishes he wouldn't - that he'd go back to talking nonstop about himself and LA and all the crazy things he's doing. While infuriating at times, it's incredibly comforting, like diving headfirst into a book, forgetting that the outside world exists.
"How do you think, Coop," Blaine answers, looking down.
"I want to know from you."
"Can we not?" Blaine half-begs before swallowing, trying to compose himself.
Cooper's eyes are sharp as he tries to read Blaine, but eventually he sighs and nods. "Fine. Whatever you want." He then drapes an arm around Blaine's shoulders. "Mom and Dad are gone for the weekend, right? That wedding in Kentucky?"
Blaine rolls his eyes. "Georgia."
"Eh, same thing. So! Want to order pizza? Half white, half Hawaiian?"
"Sure." Blaine almost smiles.
**
"Hah, I win again!"
"Coop, it's not really fair that we're just doing the '80s version of Scene It? since you're the only '80s kid in the room," Blaine points out with a roll of his eyes, tossing his crust into the empty pizza box. "What I know, I know from you."
"Well then you're just going to have to go get the '90s version for next time."
"I will."
Cooper then grins mischievously. "You know I got a bottle of scotch upstairs - I was going to give it to dad, but we should totally just get wasted together. I've always wanted to see you drunk."
Blaine winces. "I'd rather not."
Cooper stares at him blankly. "You'd…rather not," he repeats.
Blaine shrugs. "It's not good when I drink."
"Blaine. We're at home. What's the worst you can do - break a ceramic bowl? I don't think Dad will even give a shit I mean when you broke that statue -"
"I'm pretty sure that was you and you pinned it on me," Blaine says.
"Whatever, he totally smiled, so. Come on, squirt."
Blaine looks down at his hands, remembering Kurt's disappointed, hurt eyes in the haze of intoxication and he's afraid that's all he'll see if he throws back a drink or two.
"Is this a Kurt thing?" Cooper asks, and from the corner of Blaine's eye he can see Cooper's eyes narrowing.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Well maybe you should. Have you talked to anyone about it?"
"Yeah," Blaine answers, thinking about Santana, but now that he really considers it, he didn't really do a lot of talking, did he?
"Yeah, I thought not," Cooper concludes and Blaine hates this, when Cooper is borderline condescending and it's not like Cooper's earned that at all, not being there for half of Blaine's life.
"You don't get to pick and choose when to be a big brother, Cooper," Blaine snaps.
"I know that - that's what I've been trying fix these past few months! I'm doing what I can - you can maybe help me out and tell me how to be there for you."
Blaine crosses his arms over his chest. "This is fine."
"You're sleeping in my room - why are you avoiding yours?"
When Blaine doesn't say anything, Cooper gets up from the couch and runs across the room to the stairs.
"Cooper, what are you -" Blaine starts, running after him, following him down the hallway until Cooper ends up in Blaine's bedroom. Blaine just freezes in the doorway, eyes inevitably drawn towards the bed.
"What's wrong with your room?" Cooper asks, bringing his hands behind his back and walking slowly around, strikingly reminding Blaine of a teacher he had at Dalton, who was overly theatric with the source material. "There's not a bee or anything hiding in here, right?" Cooper suddenly asks, completely breaking character as his eyes dart from one corner to the other.
"No bees. It's October, I'm pretty sure they're all gone," Blaine sighs, suddenly fond.
"Okay, good." Cooper snaps back to his original posture and continues walking. "It's meticulous as always. Nothing seems to be missing." He goes over to the closet and opens it. "No monsters in the closet."
"Fuck off," Blaine blurts and raises his eyebrows at his own retort.
Cooper slowly turns his head to Blaine, mouth open with a scandalized expression. "Zing."
Blaine flushes, but doesn't take back what he said.
Cooper smiles at him with something akin to pride before his eyes fall on the bed. Blaine looks away.
"You said you went to -"
"Not him - Kurt," Blaine cuts Cooper off, flushing even more.
Usually Cooper is so clueless most of the time that Blaine forgets his ability to be scarily perceptive when he's lucid.
"Okay, sit," Cooper says after a minute of silence, walking to the bed and sitting on the edge, patting the empty space next to him.
Feeling like he's four, he immediately follows Cooper's orders, sitting down with about a foot of space between them. Cooper scoffs and wraps an arm around Blaine's shoulders, forcing him closer.
"There," Cooper says, keeping his arm the way it is. They sit together quietly for a few seconds before he adds, "This isn't A Nightmare on Elm Street - the bed's not going to eat you up and spit out all your blood."
"I hope you don't think the human body contains that much blood like in the movie," Blaine mutters.
Cooper rolls his eyes and it makes Blaine smile. "Johnny Depp isn't a real person though. He's a legend. A god."
Blaine shakes his head.
They're quiet again. Blaine had forgotten how much he likes his bed - Cooper's is too soft and sometimes Blaine feels like he's drowning in it when he wakes up in the morning.
"This is your bed, Blaine."
Blaine blinks. "Yes."
"Yours. It's not - just because you and Kurt…it doesn't make it his. It's not like he's going to come in and take it."
"It was basically ours," Blaine says softly, picking at the comforter.
"Then let's change the comforter. Buy something new that's yours. Frankly I hate this comforter - the colors make you seem like you're seventy. Just - you can't keep punishing yourself like this. I mean what you did -" Then Cooper cuts himself off, shaking his head. "I'm afraid to even say anything about it because I know you'll ignore everything else and focus on that. If I say what you did was shitty, you'll assume I'm saying you're shitty, which you're not."
"Of course I'm a shitty person, why else would I have done it?"
"I don't know, Blaine, why don't you tell me."
He told Finn that he didn't know, but Cooper's looking at him expectantly, like he knows without a doubt there are reasons and they're not excusable, they don't make it right, but they make it -
"I just want to understand why my little brother felt so bad that he…" Cooper trails off, squeezing his shoulder.
Blaine squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. "I."
"You…"
"I felt like…" Blaine bit his bottom lip. "It was like that week I got out of the hospital, and you had to go back to LA because you needed to make an audition that your agent scheduled for you and you were behind on rent, even though you didn't tell Mom and Dad. And they had to go to some…function or black tie or something. I don't remember. And it was the first time I had been left alone and you called, excited that you got the Free Credit Rating deal because it was huge and we couldn't talk that long because my concussion was still awful. You had just hung up and - my head was pounding and it was the only thing I could hear. I just -" Blaine takes a shuddering breath. "I realized how alone I actually was - the house felt too big and yet I felt like I couldn't breathe. I could do anything or say anything and nobody would know, care."
Blaine suddenly realizes that Cooper is squeezing him way too tightly.
"Uh, Coop -"
"If anyone…anyone makes you feel that way, you shouldn't be with them," Cooper says in a wavering voice. "And I'm so sorry I made you feel that way."
Blaine inhales and smiles at him. "It was a lot more complicated than that - it wasn't just you, but. Thank you." He pats Cooper's thigh reassuringly before saying, "And it's not that easy. Just. Being with Kurt is like…was like. I felt my best, but also my worst. The worst I've felt lately was because of him - disappointing him, hurting him." Blaine looks up to keep his tears from falling. "I hurt him so badly, Coop," he adds, his voice cracking.
"Worrying about disappointing your boyfriend isn't good, Blaine. That's not healthy," Cooper says, his voice sharp and Blaine has always figured Cooper never loved Kurt.
"Well, it doesn't matter now because the next text I get from Kurt will be his officially dumping me, so. It's not like I deserve another chance I mean why would he want me? I can barely handle being in my own skin, so I don't know why he'd ever touch me again or look at me or -"
"Blaine!" Cooper interrupts, placing his hands on Blaine's shoulders. "You're not Stalin - you didn't murder millions of people, don't talk about yourself like that. You're worth more than that."
Blaine shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut because he doesn't think he can keep it together anymore.
Just as Blaine is about to pull away, Cooper wraps his arms around him and pulls him in into a tight hug, a hand resting on the back of his head, a gesture his mother used to do when Blaine would run to her, crying about Cooper teasing him and Blaine sobs, gripping the back of Cooper's shirt until his knuckles are locked. He hasn't done this in so long, crying with his entire body and the noises coming out of his throat are frightening, even to his own ears and yet Cooper is still holding him, rocking a little from side to side, which just makes him cry harder.
Eventually he quiets and just sniffles, beyond the point of congestion, resting his aching head against Cooper's collarbone.
"You made a mistake, but you're still Blaine Anderson, my little brother who can sing so well that he makes me question my talent - I'm only going to say that once and I will deny it if you bring it up again," Cooper quickly adds, which makes Blaine exhale a laughing breath. "You have the biggest damn heart and you love too much for your own damn good and you may hate yourself right now, but just know that I'll always love you, squirt."
Blaine starts crying again, but he's laughing too. "I can't cry anymore."
"I can make you cry more - you haven't seen my moving rendition of Schindler's 'I Could Have Done More,' speech in Schindler's List since I've been working on really perfecting it, but -"
"That's okay, Coop. I'll wait until you're ready," Blaine says, pulling away. Hopefully Cooper is moving because otherwise it may just be too offensive, even for him. "And it might be best if you showed me it first before you audition with it."
Cooper plops a hand on Blaine's shoulder. "You're my harshest critic," he says, agreeing.
**
Cooper hands Blaine Nyquil and Blaine's not one for using it when he's not sick, but he really can't breathe and it would be nice to just fall asleep without thinking, just once.
He's laying in his own bed, his comforter replaced by Cooper's, eyelids feeling heavy when he hears Cooper murmuring downstairs, probably on the phone. He hopes it's not with their parents because it's late, they go to sleep early, and what's so important at this hour.
Finally he sleeps.
**
Blaine wakes up for the first time in days without feeling nauseous. He also wakes up to Cooper's leg sprawled over Blaine's, his hand almost resting on Blaine's face.
Blaine forgot how much room Cooper takes up when he sleeps.
He sighs, throwing the blankets off him so he can sit up and check his phone.
It's half past eleven and he has a few texts from two people.
From Brittany Pierce:
Santana sed I shud watch out 4 u but I cant do that if I dont no where u live.
From Brittany Pierce:
Nevermind I found it but wut window is urs.
After Blaine notes the time the texts were sent - around seven in the morning - he quickly dials Brittany's number.
"Hello, Brittany S. Pierce's phone, Brittany speaking."
"Brittany! Are you still outside my house?" he asks, getting to his feet and rushing down the stairs.
"Yeah, I've just been patrolling. Lord Tubbington has kept me company - his gang has actually been really helpful, but he had to leave for his Saturday brunch with the cat across the street, Pumpkin."
Blaine slips on worn dockers kept in the foyer and opens the front door. "Brittany?" he calls, sticking his head out, shivering in the cold.
Brittany comes running into his view wearing jeans and a plain white shirt - it's the most casually dressed he's seen her. "Blaine Warbler!" she says happily, heading towards him.
He opens the door for her fully and she immediately hugs him, humming under her breath. He smiles and wraps his arms around her. "Hi, Brittany. You know you don't have to stand guard my house, right?" He puts his hands on her waist and steps back. "Although I do appreciate it."
She beams. "Good."
He peaks over her shoulder and notes that there isn't a car in the driveway. "Um…how did you get here?"
"I walked," she answers as if he was stupid to ask the question in the first place.
"Okay, well. Do you want to come in, have breakfast - or brunch now, I suppose - and then I'll drive you home?"
"That sounds marvelous."
Blaine shuts the door behind her and looks down at himself, sheepish. "Let me change and wake up my brother and then I can start making something - can you wait down here for a few minutes? You can go in the living room and watch TV."
Brittany nods and flounces to the couch. He smiles at her for a moment before going up the stairs.
When he reaches his room, he runs and jumps onto the bed on top of Cooper. "Rise and shine!"
Cooper flails and then tries to shove Blaine onto the floor. "Blaine! You asshole!" Cooper yells and Blaine just laughs, eventually rolling off the bed.
"Get up - Brittany's downstairs -"
Cooper furrows his brow.
"Brittany. Pierce. She's in glee club? You met her a few months ago?"
Nothing.
"Tall, blonde?"
Cooper shakes his head. "No, I don't know who that is," he says slowly.
Blaine rolls his eyes. "Well I said I'd make her brunch and if you're lucky, you can have chocolate chip pancakes."
Cooper sits up and pins him with a glare. "Evil."
Blaine beams at him but then remembers, and his face falls.
"Fuck," Cooper curses, flatting backwards onto the bed.
"No, don't, you didn't do anything wrong, I'm - I'll be fine. Really."
Cooper sits up again and looks at him. "You will be fine."
Blaine nods, taking a breath. "I'm going to change and do my hair, so. Get out. Her name's Brittany and if she says anything -" Blaine pauses and then says, "you know what, it won't be too weird for you. Just be nice."
Cooper sighs dramatically and swings his legs out to stand up. "Alright. I'll get ready myself. Can't depress the fans."
"Brittany. One person. Singular. And she's - well. She was in a relationship with Santana, so. Please be a bit sensitive." Blaine winces as soon as the request leaves his mouth.
"Relax, little bro, I'm a pro at this."
Blaine rolls his eyes to the ceiling before going to his closet to find something to wear.
**
Blaine comes down twenty minutes later in pegged jeans, Henley, and a cardigan to find Cooper and Brittany sitting on the couch together, watching cartoons.
"It always drives me nuts how the cartoons' mouths don't match what they say. I mean really, you think the animators would get that right," Cooper rants.
"Sometimes I watch cartoons without sound and guess what they say. I'm pretty sure that's how the government sends secret messages," Brittany says.
"Huh."
"Hey guys," Blaine says, pushing up his cardigan sleeves. "What would you like to have, Britt?" He goes towards the refrigerator to get out what he needs. "I can make you chocolate chip, blueberry, or strawberry - wait, no, scratch that, these strawberries aren't good anymore," he takes the container of strawberries and slides them across the counter towards where the garbage is. "So, blueberry or chocolate chip pancakes. Or plain. Or I can make you scrambled eggs. That's pretty much my culinary capabilities for breakfast foods."
"Can I have chocolate chip pancakes, but can I put the chocolate chips on them?" Brittany asks, bouncing up and down on the couch. "I want to make a face."
"Sure. I'll call you over in a few minutes."
"Awesome."
Later, after Blaine calls Brittany over to put in her chocolate chips (she's attempting to make a Picasso-like face - at least he hopes she is because the face is distorted and a bit frightening), he remembers that he had another text to look at.
From Tina Cohen-Chang:
Hey if you ever want to talk I'm here
From Blaine Anderson:
Really?
He winces as soon as he sends the text because why would he question it, although he did just assume she would never want to look at him again, being Kurt's friend for longer; he hasn't talked to her in a week.
From Tina Cohen-Chang:
You and Kurt are both my friends and I'm sorry I didn't notice you were unhappy. It makes me a big hypocrite after last year, bitching about how no one noticed me.
From Blaine Anderson:
It's really okay - don't feel bad. Thank you, I really appreciate it.
From Tina Cohen-Chang:
=)
Blaine smiles as he pockets his phone. "Are you done, Britt?"
**
Cooper and Brittany seem to get along well - she eats up whatever he has to say, and it's the same vice versa, which is somewhat concerning and he's going to have to talk to Brittany later about Cooper's advice on how to properly make clothes seem worn since she shouldn't be using tools like that, and talk Cooper out of buying a cat since he can barely take care of himself.
Blaine and Cooper drop Brittany off at her house and they watch her skip inside before pulling out of her driveway and heading toward the mall.
"Time to get you a new comforter that is age-appropriate."
"The fact that you used 'appropriate' in a sentence astounds me."
Cooper punches Blaine in the arm and almost causes Blaine to serve into the next lane.
"Do you want to crash and burn? You're not nearly famous enough to be compared to the likes of James Dean to make it worthwhile."
Cooper gapes at him. "You are a sassy little bitch. I'm impressed."
Blaine can't help but preen a little and Cooper takes over the stereo while Blaine's distracted. As soon as Blaine hears the beginning of the song, he says, "NO, we're not listening to Kajagoogoo, nobody likes that band!"
"'Too Shy' is a classic, Blaine. Respect it."
"It gets stuck in my head at the worst possible moments. It will never die."
Cooper cackles the rest of the way to the mall.
**
They end up picking out a blue and green comforter that's plaid like his old one, but the pattern is smaller.
"Ah, much better," Cooper says after they've packed away the old comforter (maybe Blaine will drop it off to Good Will eventually, if he can) and put the new one on the bed.
"I like it," Blaine admits, even though it hurts.
Cooper claps a hand on Blaine's shoulder. "We should get drunk now."
Blaine rolls his eyes. "You really want to see me drunk, don't you."
"I've been going back and forth about what kind of drunk you would be for the past twelve years and I want to know if I'm right."
"Aright, fine. But I'm not going to get drunk."
"Whatever you say, Blainey."
**
Blaine gets drunk and sings for the first time in a week and everything just feels so much better.
At least until he stumbles into his bed and sees a picture of Kurt and him on his shelf and ends up crying himself to sleep.
**
He wakes up with a hangover, but he thinks it'll pass with ibuprofen and food.
Cooper, however, is way worse and complains the entire time Blaine makes scrambled eggs.
"It's your fault," Blaine says, scooping eggs onto Cooper's plate and pushing the ketchup towards him.
"I guess it's worth it," Cooper mumbles, uncapping the ketchup and squirting zigzags over the eggs. "You're a fun drunk. I was right. Victory."
Blaine smiles as he pours orange juice for them.
**
Cooper begs Blaine to drive him to the airport and while Blaine's suspicious about his insistence, he agrees since he wants to spend just a little more time with him, selfishly extend this bubble of good times.
"Brittany tells me you're going to do Grease this year," Cooper says halfway to the airport.
"When did she tell you that?"
"Oh we've been texting. I'm going to look into some contacts in LA because I think she'll really thrive there."
Blaine blinks and tries to clear his head of that for now. "Okay. Yeah. We're doing Grease. I think the AV club is going to tape it, so I'll send you a copy since I know that's your favorite movie."
Cooper grins at him. "So you're auditioning for Danny, right? I think you should sing -"
"I don't know if I want to do the play this year."
"What?"
Blaine shrugs. "I'm not really -"
"No, stop it right there. Doing the play will be good for you. Even if you don't want to lead it, which I think is dumb to not want it, but. Singing on stage makes you happy, right? Do what makes you happy."
Blaine can hear the stop punishing yourself in between the lines and it's hard since he doesn't deserve to have and experience nice things when he always ends up screwing them up, but.
"Just audition, okay? If anything it's good practice for the future."
"Okay, okay."
Cooper beams. "Good because I don't think I'd ever forgive you if you passed up the opportunity to be a T-Bird. You would be no brother of mine."
Then Blaine has to listen to Cooper lamenting for fifteen minutes about how his high school did Grease the year after he graduated and it was a crime because Cooper was born to play Danny Zuko and some girl he always wanted to hook up with would've been a great Sandy ("I totally ended up sleeping with her a year later though," Cooper adds, a pleased smile on his face).
When they reach the gate and Blaine puts the car in park, Cooper says, "Call me whenever you want, okay? I'll drop everything to talk to you, I swear it."
Blaine smiles grimly. "I'd rather you not make that promise."
"I'm being serious - do you know how well I can fake an emergency? I single-handedly got an entire building to evacuate because I claimed there was a fire, even though the fire alarms didn't go off the entire time. So nothing can be more important."
Blaine laughs and shakes his head.
"I'll try to be home for Thanksgiving, I can't say for sure yet, but Christmas is definite."
Blaine nods, feeling like he's eight again and begging Cooper to come home every weekend because LA isn't that far from Ohio, right?
Cooper pulls him in for a tight hug. "I love you, little bro. Take care of yourself."
Blaine squeezes him and shuts his eyes. "I will." I'll try.
Cooper then pulls away and exits the car with his bag. But before he shuts the door he says, "By the way, Mom and Dad's plan lands in five minutes, so you better get around to their gate it's E5. Bye!"
"Wait what - Coop!"
But Cooper is strutting away, leaving Blaine to gape after him.
"Sneaky jerk," Blaine mutters, looking at the signs ahead to figure out how to get to the right gate.
**
"Thank you for getting us," his mother says after Blaine and his father load the car with the suitcases.
"Of course," Blaine responds, sliding into the driver's seat as his father enters the passenger side and his mother the back.
Things are quiet for the first ten minutes, his father only murmuring, "You can go above the speed limit, I want to be home already," and Blaine tries hard not to smile as he accelerates to his usual speed.
"How was the wedding?" Blaine asks politely as he merges onto the highway.
"It was very nice - thankfully the weather held up. They were afraid that a storm from the Caribbean would travel up, but thankfully it bypassed us," his mother answers.
"That's good."
Silence.
"And how was your weekend with Cooper?" his mother asks after a moment too long.
"It was fun. It was good seeing him. He said he's going to try to come for Thanksgiving."
"Yes, he told us that. I hope he does."
"Don't guilt him into coming if he can't make it. The boy has to earn a living," his father says and Blaine flinches a bit.
"I think he can afford to spend the holiday with us," his mother says calmly.
Blaine doesn't say anything else, but maybe he and his mother can work something out to bring Cooper home in November.
**
They order in Asian food for dinner and since it's Sunday, they watch 60 Minutes in relative quiet. This segment is about ghost towns, which Blaine finds pretty fascinating. He wonders how many ghost towns there are in Ohio, if his parents have ever been to one, but he doesn't ask.
**
He's studying for his Calculus test when his mother pushes open his door later that night.
"Oh," his mother says, surprised when she takes note of his bed. "New comforter? When did that happen?"
"Yeah, Cooper and I got it at the mall on Saturday. I needed a change. I still have the old one in my closet."
She nods. "It's nice."
He's surprised when she walks over and sits down on the bed, looking at him searchingly. "Are you doing okay?"
He swallows and answers, "Yeah, I'm fine."
She looks sad as she reaches out to cup his cheek and he automatically closes his eyes for a few moments. "My strong boy."
"I'm not that strong," he says in a quiet, strangled voice.
"You are." And it's so calm and she speaks like it's a natural law of nature - the grass is green, the sky is blue, Blaine is strong.
He hopes she doesn't notice the tears in his eyes but she's alarmingly perceptive.
"Goodnight, Blaine. Don't stay up too late." She kisses him on the cheek. "I love you."
"Love you too," he says and his heart is in his throat as he watches her leave and close the door behind her.
**
Not long after, there are two knocks on the door, then, "Goodnight, Blaine."
"'Night, Dad."
It's how it always is - his father very rarely comes inside.
Except tonight his father opens the door halfway and looks inside. He blinks. "New bedding?"
"Yeah."
His father nods.
They stare at each other and Blaine would love to talk with him - it seems like such a nice idea - but he got his inability to express himself verbally from somewhere (someone) and it's too much for them.
His father smiles and there's some regret there that takes Blaine by surprise. "Remember to tell your school to send out your transcripts."
Blaine knows that's not what he wants to say, knows it with unwavering certainty and it lifts something off his shoulders that's been there for a long, long time. "I will - I'll do it tomorrow."
"Good." His father narrows his eyes as he tries to see what Blaine's studying. "Is that Calculus?"
"Yeah, I have a test."
His father grimaces. "I almost failed that class in college, so hopefully you don't have my talents in that area."
Blaine grins. "I don't think I need to worry about doing as terribly as you, then."
His father grins and it's such a rare, yet unsettling sight because he can see Cooper and himself there. "Good luck on your test."
"Thanks."
Then his father leaves and Blaine lunges for his phone to text Cooper, accuse him of saying something to their parents because they don't act like this - it's almost too loving, even if it's still cold and distant compared to Burt (Mr. Hummel to him now, Blaine supposes).
But he can't tell him off for that, not when he actually feels like they're a family unit for the first time since Cooper walked out without looking back, so he just tosses his phone to the end of his bed with a sigh and continues studying.
**
Blaine wakes up an hour before his alarm from a hazy nightmare, guilt and hatred and regret gripping his insides and he rushes to the bathroom to throw up, but there's nothing in his stomach but bile.
This isn't the first time it's happened and he's sure it won't be the last, although he appreciated the reprieve of the past two days.
**
During passing time, Artie gives him a grim smile and Sam nods his head before looking down. Tina isn't in school today but Brittany grins from ear to ear and invites him over for Keebler cookies after school.
"They're going to be freshly baked, I smelled them from the tree in my backyard this morning."
(Blaine sincerely hopes that her parents are actually behind this.)
**
(He never gets a call or a text.)
**
Blaine walks into Ms. Pillsbury's office at the beginning of his free period. She's sitting at her desk, reading, and he makes out A Counselor's Guide to, but not the rest of the title.
She smiles up at him and closes the book when he shuts the door. "Hi, Blaine! What can I do for you?"
"Hi, Ms. Pillsbury," he says, his voice still rough from this morning so he coughs to clear it as best he can. "I just have a list of the schools I'm going to be applying to, so I need my transcripts sent out to them, if you could," he continues, handing over the list.
She takes it and begins reading. "Wow, you're applying to some hard schools."
He smiles and shrugs, flushing a little. "A few of them are reaches, but -"
"Oh! I didn't mean - you're so bright, I mean your GPA says it all. All of these schools would be lucky to have you."
Now he properly blushes. "Thank you."
She frowns worriedly. "You sound sick - are you catching something?"
He can detect a bit of fear in her voice and he suddenly remembers her aversions to any and all germs, so he's quick to counter with, "Not all." He pauses. "It's just allergies," he adds, hoping the lie will ease her.
She sighs a little in relief, but the frown is still there. "It is that time of year again. Well. Feel better, and just let me know if there are problems with the schools receiving your transcripts."
Blaine nods and smiles. "I will. Thank you so much." He heads towards the door, already planning on what he can get done with the rest of his free period, when -
"Wait, Blaine?"
Blaine pauses for a moment with his hand on the door before turning towards her, surprised. "Yes?"
She's nervous, fiddling with her hands on her desk and she's biting her bottom lip before she finally asks, "Are you okay?"
He almost asks her to repeat herself, but his tongue isn't working properly.
"I'm -" he starts, fine, okay, well at the tip of his tongue, but then "No, not really," comes out of his mouth instead.
He feels like sinking into the floor for a few awful, long seconds until she asks, "Do you want to sit down?"
He's still gripping the door handle and he can easily say he has work to do, that he should really study for this Calculus test that he has tomorrow, but Cooper's words from the weekend echo in his mind and he drops his hand and walks over to the chair across from Ms. Pillsbury.
She smiles at him kindly and it's a rarity these days, or maybe he's kidding himself into thinking that and it's been even longer than that.
"I keep vomiting every morning after I wake up," he blurts after a minute of silence that began to grow awkward.
"Well…thankfully you're not a girl, so that rules out a possible pregnancy," she jokes.
He smiles and laughs a little.
"Are you stressed?" she inquires. "Senior year is very stressful with keeping up grades and applying."
He shakes his head.
She pauses and tilts her head a bit, pursing her lips. "How -" But she stops herself, her gaze boring into his and maybe he should open up more, say that he knows why it's happening, what he's going through, but it's so unbelievably personal that he could barely get the words out to Cooper; there's no way he's going to tell her.
"You know," she starts, "I used to get unbelievably nervous before exams. I couldn't eat all day and even the smell of food made me sick. Before the SATs, I think I threw up at least twice a day for a week. It was terrible. Not to mention very disgusting."
He nods along, not sure where she's going with this.
"Eventually, I was sent to the guidance office because they were concerned I had an eating disorder. I told my counselor that I was just nervous before tests and it's always manifested into nausea, but. What also made me sick was my fear of failing, not just the test, but life, school. Ultimately my family. Disappointing them. Trying to make up for my OCD, which my parents always treated as a laughing matter," she continues, frowning again. "And I had to learn to take it one step at a time. To not think about failing anyone else. I had to focus on myself and not try to prove something to my parents."
"I don't think having nerves for a test is really comparable to what I did," Blaine says quietly.
She furrows her brow and replies, "Perhaps. Perhaps not. But I think the lesson may end up being the same: you are your harshest judge and harshest punisher."
He looks down at his hands on his lap for a few moments before glancing up to see her smiling at him. "I can't imagine not always feeling like this."
Her smile grows. "My counselor, who was also very much into eastern philosophy and actually ended up getting fired for doing drugs in her office, also told me 'this too shall pass.' Sooner or later the feelings will fade."
He's not sure if he wants that, deserves it, but there's Cooper in the back of his mind again, telling him to stop punishing himself, and maybe this is part of the it, to stop smothering himself with guilt and regret and self-hate and just focus on getting better before he does anything else. One step at a time.
He smiles at her. "Thank you, Ms. Pillsbury."
She beams. "You're welcome. I'm always here if you want to talk. Or not talk. Whatever you want," she rambles, out of breath but so happy.
Maybe he'll take her up on that.