Glee Fic: B-Sides and Bonus Tracks
Title: B-Sides and Bonus Tracks
Characters/Pairings: Blaine, Tina, Mike, Kurt, Rachel, Jesse; Blaine/Kurt, Blaine/Jesse, Rachel/Jesse, Tina/Mike
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers/Warnings: through 3x05; language, a spontaneous, not returned act of infidelity?
Word Count: ~4,700
Disclaimer: All lyrics belong to their respective artists - found HERE.
Summary: Blaine's summer at Asian Camp at age seventeen. Sequel to Soundtracks of Summers!
B-Sides and Bonus Tracks
Prelude
One November day, two boys meet on the east staircase of Dalton Academy. One is wearing bondage shorts as a uniform as the other grips a pocket watch and stares in slight awe before pulling himself together.
It's not the beginning Blaine was expecting at all, but hey, it's kind of like being in a teenage dream.
(Kurt would totally ream him for that cheesiness, but at least Blaine can quip back that Kurt personalized his ringtone to play that song whenever Blaine called.)
---
2011
It's kind of weird - Blaine had never expected to hang out with Tina and Mike as much as he did in between this summer and last summer. He couldn't have possibly imagined that Kurt Hummel would somehow bring his summer and school year lives together.
It's scarier than he'd like to admit, but he's figuring himself out.
Tina and Blaine stare at each other in the parking lot, the space between them inexplicably so, so awkward because it suddenly hits them that they have new perspectives on each other, their views skewed and altered from the past year.
(It doesn't help that Tina walked in on Blaine and Kurt making out in Puck's bathroom two days ago.)
He suddenly laughs at the absurdity of the situation, which prompts Tina to laugh so much that she actually snorts.
---
"So Brittany has been helping me expand my music collection," Tina starts as they plop onto a seat in the front of the bus.
"Oh no, is it anything like what we listened to at those parties?" Blaine asks with a cringe. At the last New Directions party he went to, they played Swedish House Mafia and he swore he felt drunk during those five minutes, even though he wasn't drinking.
Tina grins devilishly, holding out an earphone.
---
Alright, it's pretty awesome - who can deny any song that samples Etta James?
---
Wes is the oldest counselor for the arts section of the camp and on the first day, he twists his ankle trying to teach a group of eight year olds how to turn and side step like a Warbler, so he walks slowly and with a limp for a day or two. Ever since then, Tina, Mike, and Blaine have been teasing him, calling him old man and grandpa.
"You're lucky that I graduated because I'd whack you with my gavel of justice," Wes says to Blaine, who's clutching his stomach and laughing so hard that tears are streaming from his eyes.
It just makes Blaine laugh louder.
"Oh, take it easy, gramps," Mike responds casually, tossing up a football. "You can take your nap while the kids are doing their arts and crafts."
Tina, who was drinking out of her water bottle, promptly spits it out in the most ungraceful manner and cackles.
---
Blaine works at Six Flags when he's not working at Asian Camp, so his time with Kurt is rather limited, especially under Kurt's roof.
(But it's so much better than spending time at his own house because while his parents don't say a word, it feels so awkward and uncomfortable.)
---
The first time Blaine lets Kurt see his mirror with the lyrics scribbled all over it, Kurt doesn't question any of them, except he does mention that he really wants to go to Tokyo and wonders what's in Osaka.
(Although Blaine is paranoid about Kurt noticing wishing to be the friction in your jeans/isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him because there's no way in hell he can explain that.)
---
Kurt only knows Jesse as "this boy from the theater part of the camp who taught me how to harmonize and gave me my first kiss."
---
Blaine is throwing a football around with Mike, who is talking about maybe singing a real song in Glee Club since it's his last year and what's the point of being in a Glee Club if you don't really sing at least once?
"Well, I'd be more than happy to help you out if you really want to sing something," Blaine offers as he adjusts his grip on the football before throwing it.
Mike grins as he catches it. "That would be great! It's too bad we wouldn't be able to do it after school since you go to Dalton."
Yeah, it's just too bad that Blaine goes to Dalton.
---
At first it starts as joke (sort of), but eventually it becomes serious prodding - would you transfer?
Honestly, it sucks being away from Kurt for most of the week and Blaine can't imagine going back to long distance again, but he has friends at Dalton. He has a life there that he likes, enjoys, and is comfortable with.
Why would he give that up and go to McKinley?
(Even though he sometimes daydreams about singing duets with Kurt every week and just being with him everyday, even if it can't be the same as Dalton.)
---
It's funny - during junior prom, Jesse didn't look at Blaine once. It was as if they didn't know each other, which was just fine by Blaine.
---
"I want to see this camp - would you mind taking me?" Kurt asks as they're lounging on his couch. Blaine is half on top of Kurt as he's trapped between him and the back of the couch, exhausted from working at Six Flags.
Blaine opens his eyes wider as he looks up at Kurt's face, thinking.
Kurt can always visit this camp - it's not more than twenty minutes away and he's also friends with Tina and Mike. But the fact that he's asking permission of sorts means a lot to Blaine.
It shows that Kurt understands that this camp is something really personal, that there's history Blaine might not be comfortable sharing.
"Okay."
---
One day Blaine catches Tina and Mike sitting closer together than normal, smiling brighter than they were yesterday or the day before. And after having to interrupt their fourth make out of the day, he pulls Tina aside.
"I really hate to be nosy, but what is going on with you two? We can't expose the children to anything above PG," he says, half-joking. He actually got in trouble a few days ago by an administrator who was passing by and managed to see Blaine in the middle of saying fuck, but managed to twist it into fudge at the last second.
(Hey, a girl somehow snuck pepper spray into her backpack to spray it at a boy who was trying ruin her art project and she missed. By a lot.)
Tina looks around them for a few seconds before whispering, "Mike and I had sex yesterday," and then squealing, grinning from ear to ear. "It was perfect. He was so sweet and kind and it just felt right, you know?"
Blaine blinks in surprise before grinning. "I'm so happy for you guys! Can I say congratulations, or is that really odd?"
She laughs. "It works, I guess. Even if it doesn't, I'm too happy to care."
He chuckles and drapes an arm around her shoulders. "Well, you better watch your back - administration has been spying on us lately."
"I heard - sailor."
Blaine gasps in mock affront. "Miss, I'll have you know that I am a goddamn, fucking gentleman, through and through."
"Shit, I fucking know you are, Mr. Anderson."
---
"Hey, Blaine?"
"Yeah?"
"…Does Kurt know about Jesse?"
Blaine looks away from Mike to stare at the sky. Even with his sunglasses, it hurts to look at the sun's rays directly.
(It's like that with so many things in Blaine's life.)
"Not by name," he admits.
He wants to thank Mike and Tina for keeping silent for so long, despite how careless everyone in New Directions is about keeping secrets, but he can't bring the words past his throat. He hates keeping this from Kurt, but he still can't talk about it without experiencing something that resembles a panic attack.
"It's your call, even though he kind of needs to know at one point."
Blaine sighs. "I know."
He knows - he sometimes lies awake at night for hours, trying to figure out ways to tell Kurt, but all of them end with Kurt walking away and that scares him into silence.
---
Sometimes he considers breaking his bathroom mirror when he catches his reflection because he hates what an absolute coward he is.
---
Kurt doesn't visit until almost a month after first expressing interest - conflicting schedules made it almost impossible, which Blaine was kind of grateful for. He had time to come to terms with letting Kurt see into this side of him that he's never shared with anyone willingly.
For the sake of authenticity, Blaine forces Kurt to take the bus.
"I hate riding on buses," Kurt mutters as they exit Blaine's car.
"I know you do."
"They always smell like BO and there's always something sticky on the floor."
Blaine tries not to laugh at Kurt's horrified expression as they pass by a boy picking up spilt M&Ms from the ground and popping them in his mouth.
---
Kurt isn't introduced as Blaine's boyfriend - it's just, "Guys, this is Kurt, Kurt, this is…"
It's a lot easier this way.
Thankfully, Kurt doesn't seem to mind and tries to sneak handholding behind the group of kids in between each activity.
(Even though Blaine would rather be skinned alive than admit it, he gets a twisted feeling of vindication whenever they pass a place where he and Jesse once talked. The resulting guilt ruins his appetite.)
---
At one point when Tina, Mike, and Wes offer to take over and let Kurt and Blaine spend time alone, Kurt stands center stage, a thoughtful expression on his face.
"This isn't what I expected," Kurt finally admits.
Blaine shrugs, lifting himself onto the stage to sit over the edge. His feet still can't touch the ground, even though the stage is shorter than most. "Well what did you expect? It's not like you've been to camp," he teases, even though a small part of him is confused - what could Kurt have possibly expected? What does that mean?
Maybe he's just reading into things that aren't there.
"I know you've explained what you did here, I just…find it odd that it's limited to Asians."
"I think it's the most normal of all the crazy shenanigans you've dealt with in your school." Blaine slides back and stands up, walking over so he's in front of Kurt.
"True."
Blaine looks around and when he's satisfied no one is coming into the auditorium, he tilts his head up to kiss Kurt, relishing in the old mixing with the new.
Maybe Blaine can get away with this - so what if Blaine never tells Kurt about Jesse? Kurt knows what he's done to, for, and with Blaine - what's the difference if he doesn't know the guy's name?
"You might want to be careful about doing that - who knows what impressionable boys may catch you?"
Kurt jumps back and puts a hand to his mouth, but Blaine hasn't been able to inhale once.
Of course this happens to Blaine, of-fucking-course.
---
Blaine hates himself for stilling feeling something when he looks at Jesse, all lazy smirks, tousled hair, caressing drawl.
"What are you doing here?" Blaine asks in a low voice.
Jesse quirks his head to the side with an innocent expression on his face, even though Blaine knows it's such a joke. "I can't visit my old stomping ground while paying my family a visit?" Then his gaze focuses on Kurt. "How amusing that the only two openly gay kids I know managed to find each other. It almost makes me want to take credit."
The nerves Blaine are experiencing right now is making him thisclose to vomiting.
"You wish, St. James. Now kindly leave before one of my perfect high-kicks manages to hit you in the face."
Jesse raises an eyebrow in amusement. "The kitty has sharpened his claws, I see." Then he stares at Blaine. "It seems Blaine here has a type."
"Stop it."
"Granted, Hummel can never be as fabulous as I am - nobody can - but it's admirable."
"What do you want?" Blaine demands, desperate and embarrassed and this is what he was afraid of with bringing Kurt here.
It's too revealing of a past he half-needs to forget in order to properly function.
Jesse stuffs his hands into his pockets and walks to the side steps up the stage, not stopping until he's a few feet away from Blaine.
(Blaine sneaks a glance over to Kurt, whose face remains seemingly passive. He knows Kurt's feeling something, a lot of somethings, but Blaine can't read him now.)
"You were good at prom. Your facial expressions left much to be desired, but your moves almost made up for it," Jesse says.
"I'm surprised you noticed as you were failing to impress Rachel." Now he sounds like a jealous ex and that's not okay. "Why are you here?"
"Well, I was hoping to have a proper duet with you, now that you've gone through the competition circuit. I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't mind, would he?"
Blaine looks over at Kurt again, hoping to be saved, taken away from the supermassive black hole that is Jesse St James. If he gets close enough, Jesse will rip him apart.
"I'll never say no to watching Blaine perform."
Blaine's eyes widen - no.
But Jesse smirks. "Excellent."
---
Trust Jesse St. James to pick a duet that includes not only Queen, but can be sexualized to the point of being offensive.
So should Blaine have expected anything different when they finish the song, faces an inch apart, out of breath, and Jesse gives him a firm, spine-tingling kiss that Blaine should absolutely hate, but can't?
(One night and one more time…)
When Jesse finally lets him go (since when did he lace his fingers through his hair?), Blaine stumbles backwards with a hand clapped to his mouth, eyes wide and tearing.
Used.
(Will someone other than Kurt see him as a person?)
---
Thanks for the memories,
Even though they weren't so great.
(It's on Blaine's mind and it's definitely, totally on Jesse's tongue as he leaves the wreckage he caused.)
And then he's gone.
Blaine closes his eyes and waits for Kurt snap.
---
By the time Kurt's done chewing Blaine and spitting him back out, Blaine is sitting in the back of the bus, shell shocked and terrified out of his mind because even though Kurt hasn't broken up with him, he left things decidedly open, fractured.
Mike nods his head grimly from the front and Tina doesn't even look as they take a seat with Kurt.
Blaine doesn't know whether to feel relieved that they're leaving him alone, or absolutely betrayed - didn't they know Blaine first? Years longer than Kurt? Shouldn't they -
Whatever.
He should know better by now.
---
The night is spent with his phone off because he kept getting texts and calls from the furious members of New Directions. Blaine doesn't know what they know, but it's not like he's going to listen to them yell at him for being a shitty person.
Do they honestly believe he doesn't know that?
---
Surprisingly, Rachel is the one to come over to his house, a hesitant smile on her face, which sends him over the edge.
"I get it, trust me," is the only intelligible thing she says as he cries in her arms.
---
"There you are. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were avoiding me."
Those words, that intonation sends him back to being fifteen, sitting on that wooden bench as Jesse probed his mouth with his too-skilled tongue.
Blaine just wants to tell Jesse to fuck off.
Wait…why doesn't he? This guy kissed him even though he knew he was with Kurt!
(Why the hell didn't he quit the damn camp again?)
"Fuck off," Blaine says, the words strange on his tongue because he doesn't curse like that, at least not out loud and not without Kurt doing wonderful things to him and with him.
"God, I love it when you curse," Jesse sighs in appreciation.
"What are you doing, Jesse?" Blaine demands, his voice harsh and he can't cry about this again, especially not in front of him. He quickly looks out towards the manmade lake, hoping that his eyes will dry.
It seems like an hour has passed until Jesse speaks:
"I'm sorry, Blaine."
Blaine whips his head back to look at Jesse, whose face seems almost impassive, but his eyes are pained.
He's never seen that before on his face, ever.
"I guess I got a little more heartless this year, huh."
Blaine doesn't say anything as he watches Jesse make a line in the sand with his finger.
"Kurt told me that."
Blaine furrows his brows. "Told you what?"
"To fuck off - he hacked onto Rachel's Facebook and sent a very colorful message to me. I was quite impressed."
Blaine automatically smiles before frowning, pulling his knees in closer to his chest.
"He's angry at me, not you," Jesse adds in a kinder tone.
But he is angry with Blaine - angry with him for not talking about Jesse more in depth and how much of an impact he actually had, that he went way beyond the nondescript older guy from the theater camp across the street.
"I thought you loved Rachel," Blaine says bitterly after a minute.
The corner of Jesse's mouth twitches. Blaine doesn't know if it's a bitter or sad or wistful smile. Maybe it's a combination of all three. "You and Rachel are quite similar, you know."
Blaine does know - he's been told that by almost everyone in New Directions, usually with a but you're not as annoying or obnoxious as she is tacked on.
"Well that makes me feel a lot better, being a twisted replacement for her."
Jesse laughs and Blaine considers punching him in the face, finishing what Finn started at prom, but Blaine is a gentleman not nearly as physically intimidating as Finn is.
(It's also an unfortunate case of I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself.)
"Fuck, you both have this annoying tendency to get under my skin," Jesse blurts, rubbing the back of his neck, looking so frustrated with himself. "I never gave a flying fuck about anyone but myself until I met you and then she just… Hell, I still don't care about anything except you guys."
"And yourself," Blaine supplies in a whisper.
"I'm not sure about that last one."
Blaine smiles wryly. "That's bull."
Jesse doesn't deny it as they both stare at the lake.
"You really do love her, don't you," Blaine states more than questions.
To Blaine's extreme surprise, Jesse mimics Blaine's position and continues to stare ahead of him, his blue eyes impossibly shiny, warped with emotions that Blaine's quite scared of.
---
Blaine is lazily beading a necklace together with random colors when Wes takes a seat next to him.
They don't say anything to each other, but after a few minutes, Blaine is sitting so close to Wes, tempted to rest his head on his shoulder despite Wes' arm around his shoulders.
"You'll get through this," Wes mutters, squeezing Blaine's shoulder once before pulling away as they get ready to round up the kids to go to the next activity.
Blaine appreciates the first show of true, knowledgeable support so much that he's holding back tears for the next half hour.
---
Kurt doesn't call. Blaine doesn't blame him one bit.
---
"Hey, Blaine. How are you doing today?" Rachel asks, sounding a lot like a therapist. He guesses she was serious about having her therapist living in her house after she met her biological mother.
Blaine doesn't want to answer fine because he's not, not by a long shot, but he doesn't want to explain when he barely understands it himself.
"I was hoping you could sing something with me," he finally says, staring at a music sheet, trying to figure out the harmonies.
She's silent for a few seconds, knowing. "Yes."
---
Kurt's there.
Blaine and Rachel planned it so they'd have the stage for the hour to perform for Jesse, but Kurt is sitting a few rows behind Jesse without an expression on his face.
(Blaine doesn't know how he could've not realized that Rachel would totally do something like this.)
Maybe "Bringin' on the Heartbreak" wasn't the best choice, especially the Mariah Carey version since everyone is so sensitive about covers of staple songs, and the fact that Blaine and Rachel roughly converted it into a duet. But there's something raw in this: it's just Rachel and Blaine standing on a stage - no accompanying music, no bedazzled microphones, barely a few hours of practice - with just their emotions stripped and vulnerable.
Blaine wouldn't have been able to do it without Rachel and that kind of leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.
(One of these days he will sing what he feels without the Warblers behind him, without Kurt or anyone else by his side, but today isn't that day.)
---
Rachel kisses Jesse's cheek and says, "See you in New York."
Jesse smiles at her and wow, now Blaine knows what the Warblers mean when they tell him that he has a specific smile reserved for Kurt.
Then Jesse's gaze is fixed on Blaine, who holds his breath. After a few seconds, Jesse nods at Blaine, looking as if he's in a film but he pulls it off so well that Blaine can only nod back.
Then Jesse turns on his heel and saunters out the door. Well, not until after he stops, his hands on either side of the doorframe, the muscles in his back clenched and no, Blaine is not thinking like that now of all times.
"Hey, Hummel. Blaine's actually a good one, so don't be stupid."
"If you thought I didn't know that, then you're even more inept than I thought," Kurt snaps, quick as ever.
Even though Kurt technically got the last word in, it still feels like Jesse did by the way he laughs on his way out.
---
"I don't think you're going to be able to sing with the Warblers again after that," Wes admits as they wait for all the kids and Kurt to finish using the bathroom before hopping on the bus.
Blaine doesn't know who told him about the song (probably Rachel), but he can't say anything in response.
(The thought of only singing meaningless pop songs this coming year makes him want to scream.)
---
Blaine can't hold back the tears that stream down his face as he rides the bus home, his eyes glued to the dirty window.
But he feels Kurt sitting beside him, his hand places on top of Blaine's to comfort him.
Blaine almost wants to rip his hand away because he doesn't deserve it, but at the same time, he just feels like Kurt doesn't get it. And that's Blaine's fault, for not explaining it properly, he understands that.
But even so.
(Jesus, he's such a mess.)
---
Fall Out Boy hasn't been in his stereo in so long, but summer always makes him nostalgic for it.
From Under the Cork Tree is on repeat like it was when he was eleven. Eventually he starts listening to "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, a Little More 'Touch Me'" more often than not and he gets an idea.
---
(I confess, I'm messed up, dropping "I'm sorry" like you're still around.)
He probably looks like an idiot, jumping and running around the stage to no music as he sings (sometimes screams) I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it, his mind jumping from Jesse to Kurt to Jesse again, unable to make his mind up.
He's given up on expecting his feelings for Jesse to ever go away; some stubborn part is always going to have these twisted feelings of love, admiration, and obsession for him. One day he'll have to explain to Kurt that he's so much more fucked up than he lets on, that he lets himself believe and really consider.
But who the hell knows when Kurt will ever forgive him. Or at least forget about his damn pride and realize that Blaine isn't spoiled, damaged property.
He's pretty sure your boyfriend isn't supposed to make you feel that way.
---
You can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights, get all the sighs and the moans just right.
That's definitely Jesse. There were way too many fantasies during hot summers nights that involved heated hands, sweat on exposed collarbones, and arching backs.
---
He stares at the transfer papers on his desk, debating.
---
Finally, finally, finally, Kurt texts Blaine and asks to meet at the Lima Bean to talk.
There are accusations, held back tears, confessions, reassurances, hidden, clenched fists and desires to walk away and not look back.
Blaine ends up leaving with his hands in his pockets, fifteen dollars shorter, and wondering if they should've just broken up; it'll never be the same and it was just so wonderful before.
But then he laughs as he drives home, realizing that this is the first time in his relationship with Kurt that actually felt real and not something out of a dream.
---
He stares at the transfer papers on his desk, still debating.
---
Blaine hugs Wes for almost five minutes on Wes' last day of camp. He's getting ready to fly out to school and start freshman orientation.
"You take care of yourself, Blaine Anderson. You're going to do great with New Directions."
Blaine finally pulls away, a puzzled expression on his face. "But I haven't decided -"
"I'm Wesley Lee - I'm always right."
Blaine snorts and shakes his head. "Call me when you have a free moment, okay?" His voice breaks and he feels like he's twelve, holding back tears on the last day of camp as he says goodbye to the only friends he has.
Wes nods and Blaine feels a little better when he notices the tears in Wes' eyes.
Blaine's able to hold back his crying until he gets home, doing better than his twelve-year-old self ever did.
---
"Are you…sure?" Tina asks as they sit cross-legged on the doc, making sure to keep an eye on the children swimming around them.
Blaine nods. "Yeah, I'm sure."
"But…have you and Kurt…?"
"We're working on it."
Silence.
"Well, you have Mike and me," she says, nudging him with her shoulder. "You always have."
He doesn't point out that it doesn't feel that way sometimes, but maybe this is her way of apologizing.
He forces himself to stop thinking about it and just admire the weather and his surroundings.
(Better soak it all in - it's the last week of summer and then he'll have to face the same demons with new faces.)
---
It's really creepy, but right as he's boarding the bus to go home on the last day of camp, his phone buzzes with a text from a number he doesn't recognize:
Go forth and conquer, my protégé.
He snorts, pocketing his phone so he and Tina can do a final head count.
---
Good luck, Jesse.
(Maybe it's too short and simple, especially after everything Jesse's done to Blaine. Still, there's no point in pretending to hold a grudge against him, especially since Jesse gave him something that probably saved him more than Blaine would ever admit.)
---
Tina must have picked a song to listen to on the ride home, but Blaine can't remember for the life of him what it was. It's probably fitting, that he can barely catalogue this summer with more than a few songs, some of which he'll probably never be able to listen to without grimacing or feeling sick.
But time will rectify that; soon it won't be so sharp and painful - it'll transform and settle into a distant ache in his bones, hazy like a heat wave.
For now it'll be pushed into the back of his mind as he drives himself home, the setting sun reflected in his side-view mirror as he scratches his head where there's still sand resting on his scalp; he listens to a song that's been covered too many times, the guitar and voice quiet that can barely be heard over the wind coming through his open windows.
Characters/Pairings: Blaine, Tina, Mike, Kurt, Rachel, Jesse; Blaine/Kurt, Blaine/Jesse, Rachel/Jesse, Tina/Mike
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers/Warnings: through 3x05; language, a spontaneous, not returned act of infidelity?
Word Count: ~4,700
Disclaimer: All lyrics belong to their respective artists - found HERE.
Summary: Blaine's summer at Asian Camp at age seventeen. Sequel to Soundtracks of Summers!
B-Sides and Bonus Tracks
Prelude
One November day, two boys meet on the east staircase of Dalton Academy. One is wearing bondage shorts as a uniform as the other grips a pocket watch and stares in slight awe before pulling himself together.
It's not the beginning Blaine was expecting at all, but hey, it's kind of like being in a teenage dream.
(Kurt would totally ream him for that cheesiness, but at least Blaine can quip back that Kurt personalized his ringtone to play that song whenever Blaine called.)
---
2011
It's kind of weird - Blaine had never expected to hang out with Tina and Mike as much as he did in between this summer and last summer. He couldn't have possibly imagined that Kurt Hummel would somehow bring his summer and school year lives together.
It's scarier than he'd like to admit, but he's figuring himself out.
Tina and Blaine stare at each other in the parking lot, the space between them inexplicably so, so awkward because it suddenly hits them that they have new perspectives on each other, their views skewed and altered from the past year.
(It doesn't help that Tina walked in on Blaine and Kurt making out in Puck's bathroom two days ago.)
He suddenly laughs at the absurdity of the situation, which prompts Tina to laugh so much that she actually snorts.
---
"So Brittany has been helping me expand my music collection," Tina starts as they plop onto a seat in the front of the bus.
"Oh no, is it anything like what we listened to at those parties?" Blaine asks with a cringe. At the last New Directions party he went to, they played Swedish House Mafia and he swore he felt drunk during those five minutes, even though he wasn't drinking.
Tina grins devilishly, holding out an earphone.
---
Alright, it's pretty awesome - who can deny any song that samples Etta James?
---
Wes is the oldest counselor for the arts section of the camp and on the first day, he twists his ankle trying to teach a group of eight year olds how to turn and side step like a Warbler, so he walks slowly and with a limp for a day or two. Ever since then, Tina, Mike, and Blaine have been teasing him, calling him old man and grandpa.
"You're lucky that I graduated because I'd whack you with my gavel of justice," Wes says to Blaine, who's clutching his stomach and laughing so hard that tears are streaming from his eyes.
It just makes Blaine laugh louder.
"Oh, take it easy, gramps," Mike responds casually, tossing up a football. "You can take your nap while the kids are doing their arts and crafts."
Tina, who was drinking out of her water bottle, promptly spits it out in the most ungraceful manner and cackles.
---
Blaine works at Six Flags when he's not working at Asian Camp, so his time with Kurt is rather limited, especially under Kurt's roof.
(But it's so much better than spending time at his own house because while his parents don't say a word, it feels so awkward and uncomfortable.)
---
The first time Blaine lets Kurt see his mirror with the lyrics scribbled all over it, Kurt doesn't question any of them, except he does mention that he really wants to go to Tokyo and wonders what's in Osaka.
(Although Blaine is paranoid about Kurt noticing wishing to be the friction in your jeans/isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him because there's no way in hell he can explain that.)
---
Kurt only knows Jesse as "this boy from the theater part of the camp who taught me how to harmonize and gave me my first kiss."
---
Blaine is throwing a football around with Mike, who is talking about maybe singing a real song in Glee Club since it's his last year and what's the point of being in a Glee Club if you don't really sing at least once?
"Well, I'd be more than happy to help you out if you really want to sing something," Blaine offers as he adjusts his grip on the football before throwing it.
Mike grins as he catches it. "That would be great! It's too bad we wouldn't be able to do it after school since you go to Dalton."
Yeah, it's just too bad that Blaine goes to Dalton.
---
At first it starts as joke (sort of), but eventually it becomes serious prodding - would you transfer?
Honestly, it sucks being away from Kurt for most of the week and Blaine can't imagine going back to long distance again, but he has friends at Dalton. He has a life there that he likes, enjoys, and is comfortable with.
Why would he give that up and go to McKinley?
(Even though he sometimes daydreams about singing duets with Kurt every week and just being with him everyday, even if it can't be the same as Dalton.)
---
It's funny - during junior prom, Jesse didn't look at Blaine once. It was as if they didn't know each other, which was just fine by Blaine.
---
"I want to see this camp - would you mind taking me?" Kurt asks as they're lounging on his couch. Blaine is half on top of Kurt as he's trapped between him and the back of the couch, exhausted from working at Six Flags.
Blaine opens his eyes wider as he looks up at Kurt's face, thinking.
Kurt can always visit this camp - it's not more than twenty minutes away and he's also friends with Tina and Mike. But the fact that he's asking permission of sorts means a lot to Blaine.
It shows that Kurt understands that this camp is something really personal, that there's history Blaine might not be comfortable sharing.
"Okay."
---
One day Blaine catches Tina and Mike sitting closer together than normal, smiling brighter than they were yesterday or the day before. And after having to interrupt their fourth make out of the day, he pulls Tina aside.
"I really hate to be nosy, but what is going on with you two? We can't expose the children to anything above PG," he says, half-joking. He actually got in trouble a few days ago by an administrator who was passing by and managed to see Blaine in the middle of saying fuck, but managed to twist it into fudge at the last second.
(Hey, a girl somehow snuck pepper spray into her backpack to spray it at a boy who was trying ruin her art project and she missed. By a lot.)
Tina looks around them for a few seconds before whispering, "Mike and I had sex yesterday," and then squealing, grinning from ear to ear. "It was perfect. He was so sweet and kind and it just felt right, you know?"
Blaine blinks in surprise before grinning. "I'm so happy for you guys! Can I say congratulations, or is that really odd?"
She laughs. "It works, I guess. Even if it doesn't, I'm too happy to care."
He chuckles and drapes an arm around her shoulders. "Well, you better watch your back - administration has been spying on us lately."
"I heard - sailor."
Blaine gasps in mock affront. "Miss, I'll have you know that I am a goddamn, fucking gentleman, through and through."
"Shit, I fucking know you are, Mr. Anderson."
---
"Hey, Blaine?"
"Yeah?"
"…Does Kurt know about Jesse?"
Blaine looks away from Mike to stare at the sky. Even with his sunglasses, it hurts to look at the sun's rays directly.
(It's like that with so many things in Blaine's life.)
"Not by name," he admits.
He wants to thank Mike and Tina for keeping silent for so long, despite how careless everyone in New Directions is about keeping secrets, but he can't bring the words past his throat. He hates keeping this from Kurt, but he still can't talk about it without experiencing something that resembles a panic attack.
"It's your call, even though he kind of needs to know at one point."
Blaine sighs. "I know."
He knows - he sometimes lies awake at night for hours, trying to figure out ways to tell Kurt, but all of them end with Kurt walking away and that scares him into silence.
---
Sometimes he considers breaking his bathroom mirror when he catches his reflection because he hates what an absolute coward he is.
---
Kurt doesn't visit until almost a month after first expressing interest - conflicting schedules made it almost impossible, which Blaine was kind of grateful for. He had time to come to terms with letting Kurt see into this side of him that he's never shared with anyone willingly.
For the sake of authenticity, Blaine forces Kurt to take the bus.
"I hate riding on buses," Kurt mutters as they exit Blaine's car.
"I know you do."
"They always smell like BO and there's always something sticky on the floor."
Blaine tries not to laugh at Kurt's horrified expression as they pass by a boy picking up spilt M&Ms from the ground and popping them in his mouth.
---
Kurt isn't introduced as Blaine's boyfriend - it's just, "Guys, this is Kurt, Kurt, this is…"
It's a lot easier this way.
Thankfully, Kurt doesn't seem to mind and tries to sneak handholding behind the group of kids in between each activity.
(Even though Blaine would rather be skinned alive than admit it, he gets a twisted feeling of vindication whenever they pass a place where he and Jesse once talked. The resulting guilt ruins his appetite.)
---
At one point when Tina, Mike, and Wes offer to take over and let Kurt and Blaine spend time alone, Kurt stands center stage, a thoughtful expression on his face.
"This isn't what I expected," Kurt finally admits.
Blaine shrugs, lifting himself onto the stage to sit over the edge. His feet still can't touch the ground, even though the stage is shorter than most. "Well what did you expect? It's not like you've been to camp," he teases, even though a small part of him is confused - what could Kurt have possibly expected? What does that mean?
Maybe he's just reading into things that aren't there.
"I know you've explained what you did here, I just…find it odd that it's limited to Asians."
"I think it's the most normal of all the crazy shenanigans you've dealt with in your school." Blaine slides back and stands up, walking over so he's in front of Kurt.
"True."
Blaine looks around and when he's satisfied no one is coming into the auditorium, he tilts his head up to kiss Kurt, relishing in the old mixing with the new.
Maybe Blaine can get away with this - so what if Blaine never tells Kurt about Jesse? Kurt knows what he's done to, for, and with Blaine - what's the difference if he doesn't know the guy's name?
"You might want to be careful about doing that - who knows what impressionable boys may catch you?"
Kurt jumps back and puts a hand to his mouth, but Blaine hasn't been able to inhale once.
Of course this happens to Blaine, of-fucking-course.
---
Blaine hates himself for stilling feeling something when he looks at Jesse, all lazy smirks, tousled hair, caressing drawl.
"What are you doing here?" Blaine asks in a low voice.
Jesse quirks his head to the side with an innocent expression on his face, even though Blaine knows it's such a joke. "I can't visit my old stomping ground while paying my family a visit?" Then his gaze focuses on Kurt. "How amusing that the only two openly gay kids I know managed to find each other. It almost makes me want to take credit."
The nerves Blaine are experiencing right now is making him thisclose to vomiting.
"You wish, St. James. Now kindly leave before one of my perfect high-kicks manages to hit you in the face."
Jesse raises an eyebrow in amusement. "The kitty has sharpened his claws, I see." Then he stares at Blaine. "It seems Blaine here has a type."
"Stop it."
"Granted, Hummel can never be as fabulous as I am - nobody can - but it's admirable."
"What do you want?" Blaine demands, desperate and embarrassed and this is what he was afraid of with bringing Kurt here.
It's too revealing of a past he half-needs to forget in order to properly function.
Jesse stuffs his hands into his pockets and walks to the side steps up the stage, not stopping until he's a few feet away from Blaine.
(Blaine sneaks a glance over to Kurt, whose face remains seemingly passive. He knows Kurt's feeling something, a lot of somethings, but Blaine can't read him now.)
"You were good at prom. Your facial expressions left much to be desired, but your moves almost made up for it," Jesse says.
"I'm surprised you noticed as you were failing to impress Rachel." Now he sounds like a jealous ex and that's not okay. "Why are you here?"
"Well, I was hoping to have a proper duet with you, now that you've gone through the competition circuit. I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't mind, would he?"
Blaine looks over at Kurt again, hoping to be saved, taken away from the supermassive black hole that is Jesse St James. If he gets close enough, Jesse will rip him apart.
"I'll never say no to watching Blaine perform."
Blaine's eyes widen - no.
But Jesse smirks. "Excellent."
---
Trust Jesse St. James to pick a duet that includes not only Queen, but can be sexualized to the point of being offensive.
So should Blaine have expected anything different when they finish the song, faces an inch apart, out of breath, and Jesse gives him a firm, spine-tingling kiss that Blaine should absolutely hate, but can't?
(One night and one more time…)
When Jesse finally lets him go (since when did he lace his fingers through his hair?), Blaine stumbles backwards with a hand clapped to his mouth, eyes wide and tearing.
Used.
(Will someone other than Kurt see him as a person?)
---
Thanks for the memories,
Even though they weren't so great.
(It's on Blaine's mind and it's definitely, totally on Jesse's tongue as he leaves the wreckage he caused.)
And then he's gone.
Blaine closes his eyes and waits for Kurt snap.
---
By the time Kurt's done chewing Blaine and spitting him back out, Blaine is sitting in the back of the bus, shell shocked and terrified out of his mind because even though Kurt hasn't broken up with him, he left things decidedly open, fractured.
Mike nods his head grimly from the front and Tina doesn't even look as they take a seat with Kurt.
Blaine doesn't know whether to feel relieved that they're leaving him alone, or absolutely betrayed - didn't they know Blaine first? Years longer than Kurt? Shouldn't they -
Whatever.
He should know better by now.
---
The night is spent with his phone off because he kept getting texts and calls from the furious members of New Directions. Blaine doesn't know what they know, but it's not like he's going to listen to them yell at him for being a shitty person.
Do they honestly believe he doesn't know that?
---
Surprisingly, Rachel is the one to come over to his house, a hesitant smile on her face, which sends him over the edge.
"I get it, trust me," is the only intelligible thing she says as he cries in her arms.
---
"There you are. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were avoiding me."
Those words, that intonation sends him back to being fifteen, sitting on that wooden bench as Jesse probed his mouth with his too-skilled tongue.
Blaine just wants to tell Jesse to fuck off.
Wait…why doesn't he? This guy kissed him even though he knew he was with Kurt!
(Why the hell didn't he quit the damn camp again?)
"Fuck off," Blaine says, the words strange on his tongue because he doesn't curse like that, at least not out loud and not without Kurt doing wonderful things to him and with him.
"God, I love it when you curse," Jesse sighs in appreciation.
"What are you doing, Jesse?" Blaine demands, his voice harsh and he can't cry about this again, especially not in front of him. He quickly looks out towards the manmade lake, hoping that his eyes will dry.
It seems like an hour has passed until Jesse speaks:
"I'm sorry, Blaine."
Blaine whips his head back to look at Jesse, whose face seems almost impassive, but his eyes are pained.
He's never seen that before on his face, ever.
"I guess I got a little more heartless this year, huh."
Blaine doesn't say anything as he watches Jesse make a line in the sand with his finger.
"Kurt told me that."
Blaine furrows his brows. "Told you what?"
"To fuck off - he hacked onto Rachel's Facebook and sent a very colorful message to me. I was quite impressed."
Blaine automatically smiles before frowning, pulling his knees in closer to his chest.
"He's angry at me, not you," Jesse adds in a kinder tone.
But he is angry with Blaine - angry with him for not talking about Jesse more in depth and how much of an impact he actually had, that he went way beyond the nondescript older guy from the theater camp across the street.
"I thought you loved Rachel," Blaine says bitterly after a minute.
The corner of Jesse's mouth twitches. Blaine doesn't know if it's a bitter or sad or wistful smile. Maybe it's a combination of all three. "You and Rachel are quite similar, you know."
Blaine does know - he's been told that by almost everyone in New Directions, usually with a but you're not as annoying or obnoxious as she is tacked on.
"Well that makes me feel a lot better, being a twisted replacement for her."
Jesse laughs and Blaine considers punching him in the face, finishing what Finn started at prom, but Blaine is a gentleman not nearly as physically intimidating as Finn is.
(It's also an unfortunate case of I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself.)
"Fuck, you both have this annoying tendency to get under my skin," Jesse blurts, rubbing the back of his neck, looking so frustrated with himself. "I never gave a flying fuck about anyone but myself until I met you and then she just… Hell, I still don't care about anything except you guys."
"And yourself," Blaine supplies in a whisper.
"I'm not sure about that last one."
Blaine smiles wryly. "That's bull."
Jesse doesn't deny it as they both stare at the lake.
"You really do love her, don't you," Blaine states more than questions.
To Blaine's extreme surprise, Jesse mimics Blaine's position and continues to stare ahead of him, his blue eyes impossibly shiny, warped with emotions that Blaine's quite scared of.
---
Blaine is lazily beading a necklace together with random colors when Wes takes a seat next to him.
They don't say anything to each other, but after a few minutes, Blaine is sitting so close to Wes, tempted to rest his head on his shoulder despite Wes' arm around his shoulders.
"You'll get through this," Wes mutters, squeezing Blaine's shoulder once before pulling away as they get ready to round up the kids to go to the next activity.
Blaine appreciates the first show of true, knowledgeable support so much that he's holding back tears for the next half hour.
---
Kurt doesn't call. Blaine doesn't blame him one bit.
---
"Hey, Blaine. How are you doing today?" Rachel asks, sounding a lot like a therapist. He guesses she was serious about having her therapist living in her house after she met her biological mother.
Blaine doesn't want to answer fine because he's not, not by a long shot, but he doesn't want to explain when he barely understands it himself.
"I was hoping you could sing something with me," he finally says, staring at a music sheet, trying to figure out the harmonies.
She's silent for a few seconds, knowing. "Yes."
---
Kurt's there.
Blaine and Rachel planned it so they'd have the stage for the hour to perform for Jesse, but Kurt is sitting a few rows behind Jesse without an expression on his face.
(Blaine doesn't know how he could've not realized that Rachel would totally do something like this.)
Maybe "Bringin' on the Heartbreak" wasn't the best choice, especially the Mariah Carey version since everyone is so sensitive about covers of staple songs, and the fact that Blaine and Rachel roughly converted it into a duet. But there's something raw in this: it's just Rachel and Blaine standing on a stage - no accompanying music, no bedazzled microphones, barely a few hours of practice - with just their emotions stripped and vulnerable.
Blaine wouldn't have been able to do it without Rachel and that kind of leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.
(One of these days he will sing what he feels without the Warblers behind him, without Kurt or anyone else by his side, but today isn't that day.)
---
Rachel kisses Jesse's cheek and says, "See you in New York."
Jesse smiles at her and wow, now Blaine knows what the Warblers mean when they tell him that he has a specific smile reserved for Kurt.
Then Jesse's gaze is fixed on Blaine, who holds his breath. After a few seconds, Jesse nods at Blaine, looking as if he's in a film but he pulls it off so well that Blaine can only nod back.
Then Jesse turns on his heel and saunters out the door. Well, not until after he stops, his hands on either side of the doorframe, the muscles in his back clenched and no, Blaine is not thinking like that now of all times.
"Hey, Hummel. Blaine's actually a good one, so don't be stupid."
"If you thought I didn't know that, then you're even more inept than I thought," Kurt snaps, quick as ever.
Even though Kurt technically got the last word in, it still feels like Jesse did by the way he laughs on his way out.
---
"I don't think you're going to be able to sing with the Warblers again after that," Wes admits as they wait for all the kids and Kurt to finish using the bathroom before hopping on the bus.
Blaine doesn't know who told him about the song (probably Rachel), but he can't say anything in response.
(The thought of only singing meaningless pop songs this coming year makes him want to scream.)
---
Blaine can't hold back the tears that stream down his face as he rides the bus home, his eyes glued to the dirty window.
But he feels Kurt sitting beside him, his hand places on top of Blaine's to comfort him.
Blaine almost wants to rip his hand away because he doesn't deserve it, but at the same time, he just feels like Kurt doesn't get it. And that's Blaine's fault, for not explaining it properly, he understands that.
But even so.
(Jesus, he's such a mess.)
---
Fall Out Boy hasn't been in his stereo in so long, but summer always makes him nostalgic for it.
From Under the Cork Tree is on repeat like it was when he was eleven. Eventually he starts listening to "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, a Little More 'Touch Me'" more often than not and he gets an idea.
---
(I confess, I'm messed up, dropping "I'm sorry" like you're still around.)
He probably looks like an idiot, jumping and running around the stage to no music as he sings (sometimes screams) I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it, his mind jumping from Jesse to Kurt to Jesse again, unable to make his mind up.
He's given up on expecting his feelings for Jesse to ever go away; some stubborn part is always going to have these twisted feelings of love, admiration, and obsession for him. One day he'll have to explain to Kurt that he's so much more fucked up than he lets on, that he lets himself believe and really consider.
But who the hell knows when Kurt will ever forgive him. Or at least forget about his damn pride and realize that Blaine isn't spoiled, damaged property.
He's pretty sure your boyfriend isn't supposed to make you feel that way.
---
You can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights, get all the sighs and the moans just right.
That's definitely Jesse. There were way too many fantasies during hot summers nights that involved heated hands, sweat on exposed collarbones, and arching backs.
---
He stares at the transfer papers on his desk, debating.
---
Finally, finally, finally, Kurt texts Blaine and asks to meet at the Lima Bean to talk.
There are accusations, held back tears, confessions, reassurances, hidden, clenched fists and desires to walk away and not look back.
Blaine ends up leaving with his hands in his pockets, fifteen dollars shorter, and wondering if they should've just broken up; it'll never be the same and it was just so wonderful before.
But then he laughs as he drives home, realizing that this is the first time in his relationship with Kurt that actually felt real and not something out of a dream.
---
He stares at the transfer papers on his desk, still debating.
---
Blaine hugs Wes for almost five minutes on Wes' last day of camp. He's getting ready to fly out to school and start freshman orientation.
"You take care of yourself, Blaine Anderson. You're going to do great with New Directions."
Blaine finally pulls away, a puzzled expression on his face. "But I haven't decided -"
"I'm Wesley Lee - I'm always right."
Blaine snorts and shakes his head. "Call me when you have a free moment, okay?" His voice breaks and he feels like he's twelve, holding back tears on the last day of camp as he says goodbye to the only friends he has.
Wes nods and Blaine feels a little better when he notices the tears in Wes' eyes.
Blaine's able to hold back his crying until he gets home, doing better than his twelve-year-old self ever did.
---
"Are you…sure?" Tina asks as they sit cross-legged on the doc, making sure to keep an eye on the children swimming around them.
Blaine nods. "Yeah, I'm sure."
"But…have you and Kurt…?"
"We're working on it."
Silence.
"Well, you have Mike and me," she says, nudging him with her shoulder. "You always have."
He doesn't point out that it doesn't feel that way sometimes, but maybe this is her way of apologizing.
He forces himself to stop thinking about it and just admire the weather and his surroundings.
(Better soak it all in - it's the last week of summer and then he'll have to face the same demons with new faces.)
---
It's really creepy, but right as he's boarding the bus to go home on the last day of camp, his phone buzzes with a text from a number he doesn't recognize:
Go forth and conquer, my protégé.
He snorts, pocketing his phone so he and Tina can do a final head count.
---
Good luck, Jesse.
(Maybe it's too short and simple, especially after everything Jesse's done to Blaine. Still, there's no point in pretending to hold a grudge against him, especially since Jesse gave him something that probably saved him more than Blaine would ever admit.)
---
Tina must have picked a song to listen to on the ride home, but Blaine can't remember for the life of him what it was. It's probably fitting, that he can barely catalogue this summer with more than a few songs, some of which he'll probably never be able to listen to without grimacing or feeling sick.
But time will rectify that; soon it won't be so sharp and painful - it'll transform and settle into a distant ache in his bones, hazy like a heat wave.
For now it'll be pushed into the back of his mind as he drives himself home, the setting sun reflected in his side-view mirror as he scratches his head where there's still sand resting on his scalp; he listens to a song that's been covered too many times, the guitar and voice quiet that can barely be heard over the wind coming through his open windows.