the biggest loser wins everything
I'm done. I'm done trying to please everyone. I gotta work for me now. I'm tired of hearing "you'd be so pretty". I'm tired of crying over this. I thought that I had support. All I have is money. A form of support, yes. But not the kind I need most. What do they want me to do? Really, tell me and I will try and make it happen. Do they want me to quit eating alltogether? Do they want me to eat and eat and stick a finger down my throat, choking and throwing up all the hatelfulness I've done to myself? I've never been one to be so deppressed, I try and look at the bright things. But honestly, that's a form of self-mutalation. That's like punishing yourself for being fat. But you know what? So is overeating. Binge eating. Eating in itself unless it's to fuel your body. I want to be able to eat something in front of people and not have them stare. I want to walk into a regular store and be able to buy some clothing. I'm tired of asking for only "accesories" or shopping for them myself when I go shopping with friends. I feel like I am judged everywhere I go, and I don't want that anymore. I want peace. I want love. I want to be told that what I'm doing is okay. I'm tired of being treated like a yo-yo. When I am dieting and exercising, the only thing I hear is how "the gym can't be my whole life." And then when I'm not, I hear "the next 6 months are gonna come and go, and you won't be ready". Can't there be a happy medium? I ate pizza and chips last night. I did NOT diet for a good time. But I weighed yesterday too. And I'm at the end of the cycle again. I'm tired of being fat again. I want to diet again. Once I have that motivation, true motivation I know just what to do. So I skipped breakfast. Nooo, not the right thing to do, but I had a final. At 11:30am. I came home instead of going to Mcdonalds, and ate a half of a turkey sandwich from Wal-mart. Low fat mayonnaise, 0 calorie mustard, you know the drill. And then I stopped. Because I was content. So I had a granola bar about 45 minutes later, and a sprite zero(not the healthiest for you but you gotta start somewhere again!) And then I got the comments. The ones that make me defensive in a second from my mother. The day I decide to lose weight again for real, she decides to come on to me and tell me I'm not trying hard enough. That's correct! I wasn't! But I am now! It's super frustrating because I want so badly to prove her wrong. So I think that's what I should do-prove her wrong, I mean. But at the same time I feel like proving her right. I feel like sometimes I hate myself FOR them. Because what if they are right? Was that comment to motivate me? For real? If I walked in and told her that she wasn't trying hard enough on getting the Christmas decorations up, and the house clean, and the gifts wrapped and the tree up. Would that motivate her? No! That would make her feel awful. That would make her want to stop alltogether and sit and feel sorry for herself. Well, I'm doing that now. And then I'm going to get up. And I'm going to the gym. The problem is not that I am not happy. I just "could be happier" so they say. Which is probably true. Who knows? I don't. This summer I thought I had found the secret. Then this winter, I thought I was going to find balance. But what I'm going to find is dedication. What I'm going to find is myself.