so tired of this.
Here I am again. I only write in here when I need someone to listen. Basically, I went to the track to walk with my mom again today. I was bitchy because I didn't feel well. She was telling me about a sport she tried in college and how fun it was and I said jokingly "that sounds right up my alley where do i sign up?" and she laughed and I said "thats exactly what I need" and she says "well it would help." I got mad at her...because it hurt my feelings that she said that. I obviously know it would help. I know a lot of things would "help". Thats just it though- help what? Me? The way I look? The way I am? I just feel that sometimes people around me hate the way I look even more than I do. I'm not entirely happy with everything in my life- things could be so much better- but they could also be so much worse. I have great friends who care about me, I have a great guy who really treats me well, I have family that will never abandon me no matter how much they drive me crazy. However- I am overweight. Is it the end of the world though? Sometimes it feels like it...I know deep in my heart she didnt mean to offend me, she meant to encourage me, but it still hurt. She asked me what I would rather hear instead and I told her I didnt know, I just knew that wasnt it. I honestly dont know what I want to hear. I dont know if I want to hear- oh youre fine we dont need to walk today- because I think that would be patronizing...but I dont need to hear "that would help". I know it would help. It's pointing out the obvious and it makes me feel really ugly. I'm tired of feeling this way- I really am. We go into stores and people ask me how old I am, then when they find out- they tell me I'm too pretty and too young to be this overweight. Why do they say this??? What gives the "okay" to feel that this is appropriate. My mom just looks at me like "see? other people see it too" Well I don't. I don't know why they say this. I think its to get me motivated as well...and honestly- if I had a child that looked like me- I wouldnt know where to start to help her. I am really wanting to change this. I really do. I want to try out for American Idol- I want to have things in my life that I dont and cant have now because of the weight...but hearing these kinda things really hurts bad. I know everyone wants to see me happy- but thats just it- I am happy. Maybe not as happy as I could be in a little halter top and shorts...but I am okay with the way I am right now. I am trying to fix the weight that I dont want. I am trying to become more of the person that I want to be. But meanwhile I dont want to feel like I'm some beast until I do. The thing is that everyone is trying to change..not just for themselves- but coming from most of the family I know- theyre trying to change me too. I dont like feeling self-concious as it is...but around my family I feel worse than I do around myself. When I walk into my grandparents house- it consumes me. I watch every step I make, everything I put into my mouth, and even what I say- because I know they do the same, and they talk about it later when I'm gone too. They make me feel so heavy. So ugly. So unhappy. So...worthless. I dont want to go excercise- and am I going to make up every excuse NOT to go with you? Absolutely. But at the end of it all- when I finish that mile...I'm so proud and feel so much better about myself. All I'm saying is that I dont want to be treated like there is something wrong with me because of the way I look. I am trying to fix it...and I know I've been "trying" forever. I've tried and succeeded a few times. I want to change- but its not going to happen overnight. So while the transitions are happening- do me one favor. Just treat me like I'm beautiful. Because at the end of the day- even if I'm not in a halter top and shorts...I know thats exactly what I am- with or without the weight.