and I'm not ok.
I'm so weak these days. Crying a lot. It seems I can't breathe anywhere. I'm so suffocated with all these problems all the time. Constant pressure everywhere. I used to be able to escape by writing or something, but nothing helps anymore. I'm so numb sometimes. It affects me all the time. I just feel like screaming out for help. If I were to talk to someone they would listen for a slight time and forget again. It's human nature, you know? To go about your daily lives and just kind of let everything go after a while. But that's whats tearing me up inside. And it's not even alone times. It's if I hear a song, it's if i look at something, it's anytime, anywhere. I think there is really something wrong with me. I can't focus. I can't. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I'm seriously crazy because other people don't have these problems like I do. I hate that I can give everyone else advice, care for them to no end and then expect it back. Because I get let down. My best friend is not here. She's wrapped up in happiness. I'm so worried. God, I'm so worried. Why can't I just be happy for her? She isn't like this with me. This isn't like Ryan though. I don't know. I don't know much of anything anymore. She just isn't the same. I know she's changing and I can't do a damn thing about it. I can't make it anymore like this though. She doesn't listen to me or what I have to say. She's so blinded. Oh god, and my mom is a whole other story. We can't communicate if I have an opinion. I couldn't breathe the other night. I think I had an anxiety attack. I told Chris, but he didn't think it was a big thing. I don't know. I wish I could just get a hold of myself. Maybe then I'd know what to do. I get nauscious all the time. I'm just really not ok and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? I went to church today and the sermon was about problems and dealing with them. He said that God is like an engineer and that he made us like a big, strong building to have the strength to make it through it all. But God is really testing me right now. It seems that I've poured every bit of me into everything around me and there is nothing left. I'm so scared of life. Is that weird? I don't know. The only thing I know is I can't go on like this day to day and keep acting. I'm sooooo tired of acting. Pretending to be so happy. I can't do it. I just can't do it.