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Ok...I haven't written in this in like a year. Anyway, Ashley was writing in hers last night, and of course, she asked me why I never wrote anymore, not even when I was upset, so I suppose I'm writing just because.
Today was extremely boring. I stayed up late talking on the phone and didn't go to bed until around 4:30. My mom woke me up at around 12:30 when she left for work. I then got up and did some stuff and then talked to Chris online. Then Ashley called and we talked on the phone some while Chris went to do chores. I played a game sorta with my brothers and then did some other stuff. I got back online and talked to Ashley and Chris, but Ashley wasn't in a good mood, and I guess that's where I am now.
You know how when your'e around someone who's down, you get down too? Well, at least I do. I tried to cheer her up but I don't even know what to say, and I absolutely hate that feeling. It seems like this summer is turning out to be what I thought it would be, and that realization just sucks. It's like last summer was such a heavenly thing, even though it wasn't. I had to babysit all last summer, and my brothers and Tricia and Lexi were here all the time. I thought it sucked but it really was a blessing, and I'd give anything to re-do it. I guess that you don't realize how good things are until they get worse if that makes sense, and this summer seems like it's wasting away.
My mom is hardly ever home and when she is she's either all over me about what I didn't do, or online dead to the real world. I know it's a relaxation thing, but it still gives me chills and tears everytime I see her on it. I can't stand it. It's like I can't breathe when she's home, and I'm suffocating on my own feelings. Ashley and Chris are the only ones who make it better, and even then, she likes to take that away from me whenever she can, only because she knows they help me and make me happy.
I want to leave. But I'm scared. I'm so scared that if I were to try and leave, the pressure, frustration and suffocation of my mother would just be passed on to A.J. He's slowly realizing himself that our mom isn't who she was, and he's seeing the real her shine through bit by bit. It's just so hard to act like she's this wonderful person when they don't know half of what goes on when they're not around.
I've been spending more and more time at dad's and she even gets mad about that. She says I'm not at home to take care of the house and my brothers, and then when I come home, she treats me like I'm the maid or ignores me completely. I can't wait to turn 18. I'm moving out and going somewhere. Anywhere. I need to be taken away from this place, because I can't breathe where I'm at right now. I know a lot of people worry about me, and most of the time when they ask me how I'm doing, I lie. Not because I think they don't care, but because they have their own problems too. It seems like lately I've just been putting my fake smile back on my face, and lying to the world about me being "ok". I feel numb. I'm tired of being treated like a "make-do" daughter. I'm tired of wishing for the past to come back. I'm tired of crying because of hurtful words she doesn't even realize she says. And most of all I'm tired of acting like I'm perfectly normal when everyday I die a little more inside.
Today was extremely boring. I stayed up late talking on the phone and didn't go to bed until around 4:30. My mom woke me up at around 12:30 when she left for work. I then got up and did some stuff and then talked to Chris online. Then Ashley called and we talked on the phone some while Chris went to do chores. I played a game sorta with my brothers and then did some other stuff. I got back online and talked to Ashley and Chris, but Ashley wasn't in a good mood, and I guess that's where I am now.
You know how when your'e around someone who's down, you get down too? Well, at least I do. I tried to cheer her up but I don't even know what to say, and I absolutely hate that feeling. It seems like this summer is turning out to be what I thought it would be, and that realization just sucks. It's like last summer was such a heavenly thing, even though it wasn't. I had to babysit all last summer, and my brothers and Tricia and Lexi were here all the time. I thought it sucked but it really was a blessing, and I'd give anything to re-do it. I guess that you don't realize how good things are until they get worse if that makes sense, and this summer seems like it's wasting away.
My mom is hardly ever home and when she is she's either all over me about what I didn't do, or online dead to the real world. I know it's a relaxation thing, but it still gives me chills and tears everytime I see her on it. I can't stand it. It's like I can't breathe when she's home, and I'm suffocating on my own feelings. Ashley and Chris are the only ones who make it better, and even then, she likes to take that away from me whenever she can, only because she knows they help me and make me happy.
I want to leave. But I'm scared. I'm so scared that if I were to try and leave, the pressure, frustration and suffocation of my mother would just be passed on to A.J. He's slowly realizing himself that our mom isn't who she was, and he's seeing the real her shine through bit by bit. It's just so hard to act like she's this wonderful person when they don't know half of what goes on when they're not around.
I've been spending more and more time at dad's and she even gets mad about that. She says I'm not at home to take care of the house and my brothers, and then when I come home, she treats me like I'm the maid or ignores me completely. I can't wait to turn 18. I'm moving out and going somewhere. Anywhere. I need to be taken away from this place, because I can't breathe where I'm at right now. I know a lot of people worry about me, and most of the time when they ask me how I'm doing, I lie. Not because I think they don't care, but because they have their own problems too. It seems like lately I've just been putting my fake smile back on my face, and lying to the world about me being "ok". I feel numb. I'm tired of being treated like a "make-do" daughter. I'm tired of wishing for the past to come back. I'm tired of crying because of hurtful words she doesn't even realize she says. And most of all I'm tired of acting like I'm perfectly normal when everyday I die a little more inside.