(no subject)
i feel so awful....im so empty and lost right now...theres soooo much going on i dont know how to handle it all at once...school is so stressful, especailly because i am so behind on work and making it harder for myself by not doing my work....i dunno...i feel like things go from super high to super low...i feel like things are always fucked up in some part of my life...i wish my parents would love eachother and love us...i wish home wasnt all yelling, crying, and arguing...i want home to be what i see at my friend's house....i want the relationship my friends have with their parents...i went to paris's house and her mom hugged her and laughed with her...i cant remember the last time my mom hugged me....its been more than two years thats for sure...i see parents hug and talked nicely to eachother...not once in my life have i seen my parents kiss, hug, or hold hands...im sure they do....but i never see it...all i see is the bad...i talked to my therapist and she says my parents put too much presure on me...that my home is a place i am scared of...that is why i shut people out...i realize she is right...i relate my home to a place where i am scared...i come home, take my dog, and i go upstairs...i stay in my room all the time i am home...not once do i come down...i turn up my music to avoid the shouting and avoid the tears....i dont want to :(....i guess were moving?....maybe that will make things better...i dunno...i feel like i dont really have any place where i feel safe...except...when things are good with you....i have a place to go when were together...or when things are ok....i have a place to run, to sleep, to cry, to smile....but of course, i dont have that right now.... im not sure whats going on...i never really write in this thing....i dunno why all the sudden i am...maybe its because im hopeless? i am about to shut down and give up?....i dont want to...i just want to be ok...for real, not fake...i dont want to pretend im ok anymore...i dont want to smile for others....i want to truely be ok....i want the home i had when i was 4...i want to be safe again....maybe its because of u marshall, u had to fucking leave and now...look? ur big brother cant even look at his children anymore...hes too depressed....you were more like a dad to me than anything.... imiss u...i miss u so much...i miss going to dads work and running to ur store around the corner because u were the best uncle who always brought a smile to my face...i have a memory of u....i came out of my dads store...and u were outside...u were gonna take me to lunch..( it was take ur daughter to work day, but i just wanted to spend time with u, my uncle)....i was about 6 and i was wearing my black and white checkered dress...i ran so fast into your arms and u picked me up and spun me around...i laughed so hard, u smiled and took me to get a burger at clown ally....i miss you....u left behind not only ur wife and daughter, but us too...everyone...what u did was selfish...now the only time i see u is when i look into the sky and picture u....why did u do that?...i dont want to blame u....but i feel like my dad changed when u died....he lost his little brother...and a part of himself...with that....we all lost a dad....a uncle...a friend...