(no subject)
i've been trying to keep my inner life free of hostilities. as a result, i might be seeming in fact more hostile.
when i was younger i had the ability to recycle life's pain into placidity. most everything that happened was out of my control, so i reasoned, most everything HAD TO BE cool w/me.
now i realize my power, and my rights, but i have the tendency not to utilize them, instead letting little problems assail me, and inhabit me, nesting, festering...
so i'm trying to be aware of this particular weakness-i know it's hurting me. i also know it has a name-repression, w/all the psychosis and forthcoming drama implied-and that it's a common affliction in our culture. i see it, or think i do, all the time. an omission of a sad story from conversation, or in embarassment of their tears, someone claiming "i'm ok."
so to counter this weird, socialized disease, i've been trying to be as honest as i can get away with. it feels like i'm experimenting, almost-cause the offenses i seek justice for are totally innocuous. like, med student tim is being a jackass, and makes some obnoxious comments that i feel are mean, and pointless. so i tell him so.
i guess it's practice for bigger conflict.
about work: i've decided to diversify my spare time, so mod isn't the main source of my energy, motivation, etc., etc. i divided my life into broad categories last night, and tried to decide, in percentages, how much of my time/focus is devoted to each interest. i actually made a pie chart. i decided 20% percent is sucked up by the pillars of eating, sleeping, internet, and movies. 20% to all things chris (romance, sex, etc.)-sad. 30% to mod, and mod related issues (including job dissatisfaction). 15% to friends (and cheek), 15% to me. so if i could just beef up the importance of those other interests, and quiet the looming importance of mod, i'll probably find myself un-burned out.
in the sassy wisdom of dolly parton:
"What a way to make a livin'
Barely gettin' by
It's all takin'
And no givin'
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you
Crazy if you let it"
i'm not opposed to keeping my eyes/ears open for other employment options, however.
when i was younger i had the ability to recycle life's pain into placidity. most everything that happened was out of my control, so i reasoned, most everything HAD TO BE cool w/me.
now i realize my power, and my rights, but i have the tendency not to utilize them, instead letting little problems assail me, and inhabit me, nesting, festering...
so i'm trying to be aware of this particular weakness-i know it's hurting me. i also know it has a name-repression, w/all the psychosis and forthcoming drama implied-and that it's a common affliction in our culture. i see it, or think i do, all the time. an omission of a sad story from conversation, or in embarassment of their tears, someone claiming "i'm ok."
so to counter this weird, socialized disease, i've been trying to be as honest as i can get away with. it feels like i'm experimenting, almost-cause the offenses i seek justice for are totally innocuous. like, med student tim is being a jackass, and makes some obnoxious comments that i feel are mean, and pointless. so i tell him so.
i guess it's practice for bigger conflict.
about work: i've decided to diversify my spare time, so mod isn't the main source of my energy, motivation, etc., etc. i divided my life into broad categories last night, and tried to decide, in percentages, how much of my time/focus is devoted to each interest. i actually made a pie chart. i decided 20% percent is sucked up by the pillars of eating, sleeping, internet, and movies. 20% to all things chris (romance, sex, etc.)-sad. 30% to mod, and mod related issues (including job dissatisfaction). 15% to friends (and cheek), 15% to me. so if i could just beef up the importance of those other interests, and quiet the looming importance of mod, i'll probably find myself un-burned out.
in the sassy wisdom of dolly parton:
"What a way to make a livin'
Barely gettin' by
It's all takin'
And no givin'
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you
Crazy if you let it"
i'm not opposed to keeping my eyes/ears open for other employment options, however.