Bah
So I just thought I'd let you in on how amazing I am.
Which is, not at all. I don't talk to anyone.
Dyanne proposed to me, I said yes, we planned a date and everything. Then I shut down. The thought of not being on my own killed me. I don't know what's wrong with me. She sends me texts, I don't respond.
My friend Lisa, at work, she tries talking to me all the time. I sit at my desk, ignoring her while reading books. I have been on book binges lately. All I want to do is read. I read in between phone calls at work, I get home, I read. This is the first time I have touched my keyboard in about a week.
I haven't used my messengers at all. They're getting cobwebs. Lauren even sent me a text today (which I didn't respond to) saying we needed to go to Busch Gardens again.
I feel like the only time I want to speak (and even then I don't really WANT to speak) is when I am at work and I get a call. Any other time, my mouth is closed as if someone super-glued it shut.
Saw the neurologist. His name was Dong Park. Yeah, I was worried, too, that he was the craigslist guy, but he wasn't. Anyway, I have no neurological problems. That's good, I guess, but we still don't know what's wrong with me.
All I want is to be by myself. I want to live by myself. With cats, of course. And my fish. But no other humans (aside from my son if that's possible) should be there.
I don't drink anymore because of the medicine I am on. But I have to say that this silence I am yearning for (and enjoying while it lasts) has given me some nice, bloody daydreams. For some reason I just want to slice my arms and watch the cold blood run down to my fingertips before dripping to the floor.
Of course, I don't want to die. I just want to bleed. I've never been suicidal, even in my most down of times. And this time here is not "down" per say, just odd.
But still, somewhere deep in my subconscious mind, I yearn for someone. I had a dream the other night. I don't remember exactly what was going on, but I remember there was a feeling of falling in love. There was a guy I admired from a distance and right before I woke up, it was him comforting me. All I can remember about him was one arm around me from behind and me, feeling lighter, put my hands on his arm and closed my eyes, hugging his lone arm with my hands.
Even though I want to be alone, my subconscious yearns for a comforting body. Someone to hold me. Someone who, without words, can tell me how much they care; that everything is going to be okay; that they love me from the deepest crevasse of their being.
That's love.
Anyway, I'm done rambling now.
Oyasumi.
Which is, not at all. I don't talk to anyone.
Dyanne proposed to me, I said yes, we planned a date and everything. Then I shut down. The thought of not being on my own killed me. I don't know what's wrong with me. She sends me texts, I don't respond.
My friend Lisa, at work, she tries talking to me all the time. I sit at my desk, ignoring her while reading books. I have been on book binges lately. All I want to do is read. I read in between phone calls at work, I get home, I read. This is the first time I have touched my keyboard in about a week.
I haven't used my messengers at all. They're getting cobwebs. Lauren even sent me a text today (which I didn't respond to) saying we needed to go to Busch Gardens again.
I feel like the only time I want to speak (and even then I don't really WANT to speak) is when I am at work and I get a call. Any other time, my mouth is closed as if someone super-glued it shut.
Saw the neurologist. His name was Dong Park. Yeah, I was worried, too, that he was the craigslist guy, but he wasn't. Anyway, I have no neurological problems. That's good, I guess, but we still don't know what's wrong with me.
All I want is to be by myself. I want to live by myself. With cats, of course. And my fish. But no other humans (aside from my son if that's possible) should be there.
I don't drink anymore because of the medicine I am on. But I have to say that this silence I am yearning for (and enjoying while it lasts) has given me some nice, bloody daydreams. For some reason I just want to slice my arms and watch the cold blood run down to my fingertips before dripping to the floor.
Of course, I don't want to die. I just want to bleed. I've never been suicidal, even in my most down of times. And this time here is not "down" per say, just odd.
But still, somewhere deep in my subconscious mind, I yearn for someone. I had a dream the other night. I don't remember exactly what was going on, but I remember there was a feeling of falling in love. There was a guy I admired from a distance and right before I woke up, it was him comforting me. All I can remember about him was one arm around me from behind and me, feeling lighter, put my hands on his arm and closed my eyes, hugging his lone arm with my hands.
Even though I want to be alone, my subconscious yearns for a comforting body. Someone to hold me. Someone who, without words, can tell me how much they care; that everything is going to be okay; that they love me from the deepest crevasse of their being.
That's love.
Anyway, I'm done rambling now.
Oyasumi.