Re: Even if you tell the world to fuck off, I'll wait up for you.missedelricFebruary 17 2006, 17:28:13 UTC
Don't worry, I didn't tune you out, and I read this all the way through. My problem IS that I can't bring up things. Like I don't want people to be mind readers or anything..it's hard to describe (but then again since when did my brain make since, honestly now, it even drives me insane!) and I guess I do want people to care or I'd have made it a private entry. It's like...I guess it could be attention whoring I'm not really sure...
I can't bring things up because I guess I want people to ask. It's dumb, I know. It's childish, yes. But it's seemed like besides Keith I've always had to actuvely seek people out and they don't care even then (I KNOW it's not true, you for instance, but I can't seem to get past it). It's one of those weird things where sometimes I wish people would actively ask..don't ask me why...God I feel like a weird attention whore just typing like this but yea there it is, I guess it makes me feel sad because I always expect no one to care and so when I get online I already have that expectation and am already grumpy and then it just goes down moodwise from there. Does that make any sense? Er @_@ I suck at trying to clarify myself because I don't exactly really try to do it often. But anyway to make it short I guess I pre-harden myself so when I come online I don't even try to tell people how I feel cept in LJ because I don't think it will do any good, or people will just be replying in text and really be thinking "gaw whatever shuttap."
Honestly I do believe maybe I need therapy or something because friends don't help that..much..I mean I've improved since some years ago (very very low suididal point though briefly) due to you and a couple of other people but it seems like I hit my limit of improvment for now.
And I do NOT tune you out, so don't worry. I may get less responsive....but it doesn't mean I'm spacing out or not paying active attention, I usually just cannot think of something great to say. I know you are there and I thank you for it. I'm also sorry that I don't tell you enough, I know it is bad, believe me,I just...can't get past my own issues sometimes and it is really damaging.
I hope I conveyed myself well...I'm still not very awake after that stupid test (which actually I think went well ._. )
I can't bring things up because I guess I want people to ask. It's dumb, I know. It's childish, yes. But it's seemed like besides Keith I've always had to actuvely seek people out and they don't care even then (I KNOW it's not true, you for instance, but I can't seem to get past it). It's one of those weird things where sometimes I wish people would actively ask..don't ask me why...God I feel like a weird attention whore just typing like this but yea there it is, I guess it makes me feel sad because I always expect no one to care and so when I get online I already have that expectation and am already grumpy and then it just goes down moodwise from there. Does that make any sense? Er @_@ I suck at trying to clarify myself because I don't exactly really try to do it often. But anyway to make it short I guess I pre-harden myself so when I come online I don't even try to tell people how I feel cept in LJ because I don't think it will do any good, or people will just be replying in text and really be thinking "gaw whatever shuttap."
Honestly I do believe maybe I need therapy or something because friends don't help that..much..I mean I've improved since some years ago (very very low suididal point though briefly) due to you and a couple of other people but it seems like I hit my limit of improvment for now.
And I do NOT tune you out, so don't worry. I may get less responsive....but it doesn't mean I'm spacing out or not paying active attention, I usually just cannot think of something great to say. I know you are there and I thank you for it. I'm also sorry that I don't tell you enough, I know it is bad, believe me,I just...can't get past my own issues sometimes and it is really damaging.
I hope I conveyed myself well...I'm still not very awake after that stupid test (which actually I think went well ._. )
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