too many thoughts, so i stopped at a rest area in virginia and started writing...
3.21.
so i think the question i mainly have for myself right now is: how can i embrace the things i love about myself without letting them take over? how can i be a deep thinker, continue to love so many things and condemn others, keep my soul ripe for understanding and doing and being and loving, keep hate for the world from my heart - without giving myself over to anxiety and fear and the endless second-guessing of every decision that is also so much a part of who I am?
how long til my soul gets it right?
how can i continue to keep my feet traveling (albeit stumbling) in a direction i want them to go? how do i keep myself from falling back into the dark coffee blackness of despair and turmoil that i have seen?
the sin that so easily entangles
there must be a trick to it; a way to be the person you were created to be; a happy medium that is simultaneously the realization that there's no perfection this side of heaven and an acceptance of the fact that we can still strive to get as close as possible.
do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? run in such a way as to get a prize.
i think that before i start seriously considering a move to a new location
someplace far off base
i have to find contentment within myself. i'm still going to be me, whether my surroundings are exotic or just mediocre. i can have as many expectations as there are stars in the heavens, but i can only hope to live a life i love if i can first acheive that in winston - the biggest challenge of all.
it's all right now. i've learned my lesson well. see, you can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself.
it's the same way with friendships. the other week when i was in clover, having another life-conversation with aunt hope
you are the salt of the earth
i was talking about how much i miss having different levels of friends. mostly when i go all philosophical lately, everyone tunes me out - i have good friends, but not deep ones. at leat, they're not deep with me. and i long for that again - but i don't know where to find it. jim and i have lost our connection, probably permanently though i hate to sound so pessimistically final.
looking 'round for the friends that i used to turn to to pull me through.
looking into their eyes, i see them running too
jennie's so far away and sometimes i feel like she wants the fight more than the outcome, that she challenges more for the sake of argument and not for understanding or for salvation.
rock is good but the struggle is better
logan is far away, unaccessible, and even when he's home i think sometimes he tires of my endless struggle for deeper knowledge - i feel like sometimes he wishes i'd take something, anything, at its goddamn face value and stop needing to understand everything. but that's me... i need to know about things. i delve; my dives are not the shallow start of a short race but are instead unfathomable explorations. i may not always choose uncharted waters, but i cannot accept someone else's experience in place of going in on my own. i have this constant thirst for life, for experience, that cannot be quenched. i don't need to know everything, but what i do know, i have to be certain of on my own. i can accept no one else's stories unless i have experienced the same for myself.
can i be this exploratory person, this person i love, with a full-time job that takes so much out of me emotionally? i don't know. what i need is to learn how to turn the job off - to be able to come home and think photography or philosophy or reading or music - and not worry about the kids at work. or else i'm taking away my ability to be myself. i'll become a shell person.
and that would be a tragedy.
so i think the question i mainly have for myself right now is: how can i embrace the things i love about myself without letting them take over? how can i be a deep thinker, continue to love so many things and condemn others, keep my soul ripe for understanding and doing and being and loving, keep hate for the world from my heart - without giving myself over to anxiety and fear and the endless second-guessing of every decision that is also so much a part of who I am?
how long til my soul gets it right?
how can i continue to keep my feet traveling (albeit stumbling) in a direction i want them to go? how do i keep myself from falling back into the dark coffee blackness of despair and turmoil that i have seen?
the sin that so easily entangles
there must be a trick to it; a way to be the person you were created to be; a happy medium that is simultaneously the realization that there's no perfection this side of heaven and an acceptance of the fact that we can still strive to get as close as possible.
do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? run in such a way as to get a prize.
i think that before i start seriously considering a move to a new location
someplace far off base
i have to find contentment within myself. i'm still going to be me, whether my surroundings are exotic or just mediocre. i can have as many expectations as there are stars in the heavens, but i can only hope to live a life i love if i can first acheive that in winston - the biggest challenge of all.
it's all right now. i've learned my lesson well. see, you can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself.
it's the same way with friendships. the other week when i was in clover, having another life-conversation with aunt hope
you are the salt of the earth
i was talking about how much i miss having different levels of friends. mostly when i go all philosophical lately, everyone tunes me out - i have good friends, but not deep ones. at leat, they're not deep with me. and i long for that again - but i don't know where to find it. jim and i have lost our connection, probably permanently though i hate to sound so pessimistically final.
looking 'round for the friends that i used to turn to to pull me through.
looking into their eyes, i see them running too
jennie's so far away and sometimes i feel like she wants the fight more than the outcome, that she challenges more for the sake of argument and not for understanding or for salvation.
rock is good but the struggle is better
logan is far away, unaccessible, and even when he's home i think sometimes he tires of my endless struggle for deeper knowledge - i feel like sometimes he wishes i'd take something, anything, at its goddamn face value and stop needing to understand everything. but that's me... i need to know about things. i delve; my dives are not the shallow start of a short race but are instead unfathomable explorations. i may not always choose uncharted waters, but i cannot accept someone else's experience in place of going in on my own. i have this constant thirst for life, for experience, that cannot be quenched. i don't need to know everything, but what i do know, i have to be certain of on my own. i can accept no one else's stories unless i have experienced the same for myself.
can i be this exploratory person, this person i love, with a full-time job that takes so much out of me emotionally? i don't know. what i need is to learn how to turn the job off - to be able to come home and think photography or philosophy or reading or music - and not worry about the kids at work. or else i'm taking away my ability to be myself. i'll become a shell person.
and that would be a tragedy.