not that kind of girl
That was always the joke. The punchline ended with "And then I told him that I'm 'not that kind of girl.'" And then everyone would laugh.
Because I WAS that kind of girl. The kind of girl that waited around for the phone call after whoever's girlfriend would leave. Then I'd go there. It's disgusting if you really think about it.
So degrading. But at the time I didn't want anything else. So I guess that kind of makes it okay. Because it's not like I was settling. I didn't want anything else. So I was getting exactly what I wanted.
But that's not what I want anymore. And now Jake wants me to be that. And I haven't been that in so long. Since Jake... a year ago.
And I'm with Shane... and all I could think about when I was hanging out with Jake is that I wanted to be back in Dubois with Shane. Because I think he really cares about me. And I really like him. He's a decent guy. And it's not that I haven't been with decent guys... it's just that I usually don't like them very much. Because decent tends to be synonymous with BORING. But he's not boring.
Wait... this was about being that kind of girl....
So anyway... I think that was a phase for me. And I'm done with it. I'm better than that now. But it's hard to think about sometimes. Because I don't know if I've grown or matured or CHANGED that much. I still feel like the same person. So how is it possible that I'm not that person anymore? So does that mean that I AM still "that girl"? And I'm just denying it? Because I hate being that girl.
Because I WAS that kind of girl. The kind of girl that waited around for the phone call after whoever's girlfriend would leave. Then I'd go there. It's disgusting if you really think about it.
So degrading. But at the time I didn't want anything else. So I guess that kind of makes it okay. Because it's not like I was settling. I didn't want anything else. So I was getting exactly what I wanted.
But that's not what I want anymore. And now Jake wants me to be that. And I haven't been that in so long. Since Jake... a year ago.
And I'm with Shane... and all I could think about when I was hanging out with Jake is that I wanted to be back in Dubois with Shane. Because I think he really cares about me. And I really like him. He's a decent guy. And it's not that I haven't been with decent guys... it's just that I usually don't like them very much. Because decent tends to be synonymous with BORING. But he's not boring.
Wait... this was about being that kind of girl....
So anyway... I think that was a phase for me. And I'm done with it. I'm better than that now. But it's hard to think about sometimes. Because I don't know if I've grown or matured or CHANGED that much. I still feel like the same person. So how is it possible that I'm not that person anymore? So does that mean that I AM still "that girl"? And I'm just denying it? Because I hate being that girl.