Home again
Coming home to Boston is always such a journey down memory lane. When I look at my room, it's as if time stopped. On my desk are the acting trophies I got at age 13; the picture of my high school field hockey team after our pumpkin-carving party; a picture of me and Ali at prom. If you dig a little deeper in some of the stacks of paper, some issues of Seventeen Magazine, the bible of my preteen self. And I'm just now looking at a "book" I authored in first grade - complete with illustrations - called "My Grandma." (Or more accurately, "My Grama"). Under the "About the Author" section is says: "I like pizza. My name is Emily and I am seven." I remember my parents laughing at me for that at the time, and I didn't understand why.
And how could I forget my diary...
I started keeping a diary when I was in third grade and wrote in it every day. The entries were things like:
"I'm THIS close to beating Super Mario 3. Just have to figure out how to get through the maze level in World 8."
OR
"Camp was AWESOME today. I did wood-working and soccer."
I started updating it more and more sporadically over the next few years, and by the time I got to seventh grade, there was only one entry:
"I want to f*** Adam so hard. Seriously, I want to f*** his brains out."
Wow.
Anyway, I'm home this weekend for a business trip on Monday, which I've coupled with a wedding-planning weekend. So last night I was going to bed and started reading through my high school yearbook. We all look so young. It was hard to believe that the high schooler I was looking at is engaged and has a career. And even weirder when I looked at the picture of my mother holding me as a baby. "That baby girl is engaged," I kept repeating to myself in marvel. But anyway, I started reading the things people wrote when they signed my yearbook. Here are some of them:
Dear Emily,
I am so happy I've gotten to know you over these past two years. I remember walking into Ms. K-J's class and talking to you. I thought you were beautiful. I'm so glad I've gotten to know that you're so much more than that! You've got so much love in your heart that I know will change things. Know that I support you and I will always support you and that I consider you one of my best friends. I wish you the best at "Wash Jew." I hope you find a Jewish boy that will fulfill your dreams.
Love,
Katherine Glickler
Dear Emily,
Well, I think we have said what needed to be said. We have certainly been through everything together. Still, through all our trials and tribulations (excuse the cliche!) we have endured. You know how much I love you. (You better keep in touch or I will kick your tuchas!) Words really cannot express truly how I feel, but whenever you read through this, wind back to the recesses of your mind and take the memories with you.
:-)
Love always,
Dana
Ben Roberts (written in Hebrew)
At times, I remember. Of what, I know not? The random darkness of fond memories assault me. Though I cannot decipher my own thoughts, I can remember a sweet personality and a deep set kindness that surrounds your image.
The future looks at
You with fondness and kindness
Emily is luck
-Ben Roberts
My Dearest EmKatz,
I love you dearly! We've been through so much this year, so many trials, and survived. I'm better for having known you. I'll remember your thong thong thong thong thong thong thong (editor's note: picture of ass with thong drawn). Eating at Ground Round and Friendly's, rides in Rebecca and Ben's cars, you falling asleep during movies, meeting Danny, James, and David S., your family who I loved, your house, and your strangely colored bedroom, that vacation where I saw you almost every day, etc etc. But anyway, I know we'll stay friends, I wouldn't dare lose a friend like you. You mean a lot to me, you've been kind and understanding when I was in pain, and I appreciate that so much. So anyway, we'll see each other over the summer, and visit each other at school. I love you!
Love, Dara
XOXOXOXO
So I started thinking, and a few themes popped out once I finished reading everything that everyone wrote.
The first is that it seems almost everyone - or at least everyone I was friends with - viewed high school as something of a survival test. There was this feeling of relief at the end that we really made it through - and a feeling of deep camaraderie that comes from surviving a difficult experience together. When I talk now to my friends, there's still that level of love and friendship, but usually the heaviness is absent.
Another thing I started thinking about was what my high school self could learn from my current self - and vice versa. Could I learn anything from this person who I now see as a good-hearted girl who was struggling with depression and self esteem and family troubles? I noticed that the word most often used to describe me among those who signed my yearbook was "kind."
Kind is still the most important value in my book. It runs deeper than being nice. Nice is just polite. Kind is loving; understanding; compassionate; and forgiving. I also think it has a connotation of being humble - maybe bordering on naive. My friend Stephen Carson talked about how he thinks we have a tendency to view kind people in this way - as naive, as wanting to see the good in people so much that they fail to see the harsh reality of the world. He said this in the context of Christ...how Christ was deeply kind, and yet KNEW, in the deepest sense, man's sinful nature.
So I wondered, would people still use that word to describe me? I think I'd still use it to describe myself - but something has changed a little that it's hard to put my finger on. I'm still sort of naive - albeit less so. I'm still a plain person not terribly into material possessions - well, at least compared with other people of my upbringing. I'm still caring. It's just that now...if a friend is having a problem, I listen to them and try to offer counsel....but we're not lying on my bed until 2am crying and hugging.
Maybe it's just that we're adults now, and we're happier than we were then. But if I am in any way less kind than I was back then, I need to sit and rethink my priorities.
And how could I forget my diary...
I started keeping a diary when I was in third grade and wrote in it every day. The entries were things like:
"I'm THIS close to beating Super Mario 3. Just have to figure out how to get through the maze level in World 8."
OR
"Camp was AWESOME today. I did wood-working and soccer."
I started updating it more and more sporadically over the next few years, and by the time I got to seventh grade, there was only one entry:
"I want to f*** Adam so hard. Seriously, I want to f*** his brains out."
Wow.
Anyway, I'm home this weekend for a business trip on Monday, which I've coupled with a wedding-planning weekend. So last night I was going to bed and started reading through my high school yearbook. We all look so young. It was hard to believe that the high schooler I was looking at is engaged and has a career. And even weirder when I looked at the picture of my mother holding me as a baby. "That baby girl is engaged," I kept repeating to myself in marvel. But anyway, I started reading the things people wrote when they signed my yearbook. Here are some of them:
Dear Emily,
I am so happy I've gotten to know you over these past two years. I remember walking into Ms. K-J's class and talking to you. I thought you were beautiful. I'm so glad I've gotten to know that you're so much more than that! You've got so much love in your heart that I know will change things. Know that I support you and I will always support you and that I consider you one of my best friends. I wish you the best at "Wash Jew." I hope you find a Jewish boy that will fulfill your dreams.
Love,
Katherine Glickler
Dear Emily,
Well, I think we have said what needed to be said. We have certainly been through everything together. Still, through all our trials and tribulations (excuse the cliche!) we have endured. You know how much I love you. (You better keep in touch or I will kick your tuchas!) Words really cannot express truly how I feel, but whenever you read through this, wind back to the recesses of your mind and take the memories with you.
:-)
Love always,
Dana
Ben Roberts (written in Hebrew)
At times, I remember. Of what, I know not? The random darkness of fond memories assault me. Though I cannot decipher my own thoughts, I can remember a sweet personality and a deep set kindness that surrounds your image.
The future looks at
You with fondness and kindness
Emily is luck
-Ben Roberts
My Dearest EmKatz,
I love you dearly! We've been through so much this year, so many trials, and survived. I'm better for having known you. I'll remember your thong thong thong thong thong thong thong (editor's note: picture of ass with thong drawn). Eating at Ground Round and Friendly's, rides in Rebecca and Ben's cars, you falling asleep during movies, meeting Danny, James, and David S., your family who I loved, your house, and your strangely colored bedroom, that vacation where I saw you almost every day, etc etc. But anyway, I know we'll stay friends, I wouldn't dare lose a friend like you. You mean a lot to me, you've been kind and understanding when I was in pain, and I appreciate that so much. So anyway, we'll see each other over the summer, and visit each other at school. I love you!
Love, Dara
XOXOXOXO
So I started thinking, and a few themes popped out once I finished reading everything that everyone wrote.
The first is that it seems almost everyone - or at least everyone I was friends with - viewed high school as something of a survival test. There was this feeling of relief at the end that we really made it through - and a feeling of deep camaraderie that comes from surviving a difficult experience together. When I talk now to my friends, there's still that level of love and friendship, but usually the heaviness is absent.
Another thing I started thinking about was what my high school self could learn from my current self - and vice versa. Could I learn anything from this person who I now see as a good-hearted girl who was struggling with depression and self esteem and family troubles? I noticed that the word most often used to describe me among those who signed my yearbook was "kind."
Kind is still the most important value in my book. It runs deeper than being nice. Nice is just polite. Kind is loving; understanding; compassionate; and forgiving. I also think it has a connotation of being humble - maybe bordering on naive. My friend Stephen Carson talked about how he thinks we have a tendency to view kind people in this way - as naive, as wanting to see the good in people so much that they fail to see the harsh reality of the world. He said this in the context of Christ...how Christ was deeply kind, and yet KNEW, in the deepest sense, man's sinful nature.
So I wondered, would people still use that word to describe me? I think I'd still use it to describe myself - but something has changed a little that it's hard to put my finger on. I'm still sort of naive - albeit less so. I'm still a plain person not terribly into material possessions - well, at least compared with other people of my upbringing. I'm still caring. It's just that now...if a friend is having a problem, I listen to them and try to offer counsel....but we're not lying on my bed until 2am crying and hugging.
Maybe it's just that we're adults now, and we're happier than we were then. But if I am in any way less kind than I was back then, I need to sit and rethink my priorities.