Even Peppermint Oreos aren't helping
I cry. A lot. I cry and I miss him and it's stupid. He just walked away from me like I meant nothing. I should be angry, not sad. ANGRY. He was supposed to love me. I guess that's why I'm trying so hard to love Ryan. He loves me and isn't afraid to show people he does. I'm trying to make it enough. I'm trying really hard. He just isn't A. He doesn't have the heart that I saw in *A* or the empathy. He can kick my cat and throw a purse at Delia's head and think nothing of it. It bothers me. I loved *A*'s sensitivity, his love for his children and his gentle nature. Maybe that was the problem. I love *A* because he is like me. Being like me isn't a good thing. We are neurotic and hermits and we can't deal with loss or disappointment. I know that's why he left. He didn't want to make things worse. The understanding doesn't lessen the pain, though.
I wonder if he misses me, if he thinks of me at all. 2 weeks has seemed like 2 years. I didn't realize how used to him I was. Random texts about guys in sportscars and crazy exes...I miss all of it. *A* makes me smile. His "love u"s meant something because it was so out of character for him to even say it(even if his choice of spelling made me cringe). He understood me. I never had to explain why I felt the way I felt. I don't think I'll ever have that with anyone else.
So, I sing and I cry during the day, then put on a happy face for Ryan. He has never suspected that anything was wrong with me. I suppose I should be grateful for his inattention to my moods. He doesn't notice when I am heartbroken. But I'm trying to love him. I really am. I'm trying to want Ryan and leave the memory of *A* behind. I swear I'm trying.
I wonder if he misses me, if he thinks of me at all. 2 weeks has seemed like 2 years. I didn't realize how used to him I was. Random texts about guys in sportscars and crazy exes...I miss all of it. *A* makes me smile. His "love u"s meant something because it was so out of character for him to even say it(even if his choice of spelling made me cringe). He understood me. I never had to explain why I felt the way I felt. I don't think I'll ever have that with anyone else.
So, I sing and I cry during the day, then put on a happy face for Ryan. He has never suspected that anything was wrong with me. I suppose I should be grateful for his inattention to my moods. He doesn't notice when I am heartbroken. But I'm trying to love him. I really am. I'm trying to want Ryan and leave the memory of *A* behind. I swear I'm trying.